How to say sorry after a long absence?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks for all replies in advance and sorry for the long post.

I am a man who has not spoken to an ex (Ms J) of mine for about two years. We broke up in horrible circumstances. I was going through some major issues in my life and it seemed as if my life had cracked up while I was with her.

She dumped me when I was at my lowest. She is human and was not perfect either, and she had her flaws as I had. I felt humiliated and due my horrible circumstances and a probable mental illness, I said some stuff that I really shouldn't have said. I was horrible. A mean and pathetic creature I had become.

Fast forward two years, and I have beaten my issues, am mentally fit and in a great place. I eat right, dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, or take drugs, and exercise. I am doing well.

However, a friend just informed me that he was deleted from Ms J's facebook friends after he put a profile picture of me and him up. I felt horrible over how I conducted myself two years ago and would like to say sorry to heal her hurt and my past.

What should I do? Should I do anything?

Abi

makeitright wrote: »

Hi all,

Thanks for all replies in advance and sorry for the long post.

I am a man who has not spoken to an ex (Ms J) of mine for about two years. We broke up in horrible circumstances. I was going through some major issues in my life and it seemed as if my life had cracked up while I was with her.

She dumped me when I was at my lowest. She is human and was not perfect either, and she had her flaws as I had. I felt humiliated and due my horrible circumstances and a probable mental illness, I said some stuff that I really shouldn't have said. I was horrible. A mean and pathetic creature I had become.

Fast forward two years, and I have beaten my issues, am mentally fit and in a great place. I eat right, dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, or take drugs, and exercise. I am doing well.

However, a friend just informed me that he was deleted from Ms J's facebook friends after he put a profile picture of me and him up. I felt horrible over how I conducted myself two years ago and would like to say sorry to heal her hurt and my past.

What should I do? Should I do anything?

If she deleted that person off her friends list over you, it tells me the extent of hurt she felt.

It's a difficult one, because she'll have had some time to repair since then. By contacting her it could mess her up or give her closure, depending on how you go about it. I think you should start with a short letter, just tell her how sorry you are for what you've said and done. I'd leave some contact details if she felt like contacting you, the ball would be in her court then. If she replies, fine, if not then just leave her be and get on with your life OP, at least you can say you tried to put things right.

Payton

Firstly well done in sorting your life out and getting back on track.
Personally I'd leave things as they are, what happened happened. You both have moved on and for a good reason. Your in a better place now, as maybe she is.
By her deleting your friend for putting a picture of you up speaks volumes.
Sorry but it happened for a reason why your no longer together.
Move on and enjoy your life and let her enjoy hers.

IrishEyes19

I actually dont agree. If you really hurt this woman, make amends, but leave it there. Send her message, explaining how sorry you are and perhaps dont go overboard on any self pity things either, its her you have to make feel better, not yourself.

Also if you intend to do this, make sure its daytime, nothing reeks of drunk messages like a message sent at night-time or quite late on a saturday night.

After you send the message, let it be, if she chooses not to respond, its over and you tried. But dont try anymore. Some things arent meant to be all rosy in the end. Best of luck.

therealdeal

Dear Op

Well done on beating your demons. I am currently experiencing depression and it is a very lonely place to be and difficult to get out of once you slip in.

I agree that perhaps you should apologise: I think it would make you feel better. I think you are being too hard on yourself, you didnt ask to suffer from a mental illness episode and its clear that you regret the things you say.

I also find it a bit petty that she deleted your friend from FB because you were in the picture... that was quite a drastic thing to do

Hope you find some peace
xx

sam34

the woman CLEARLY does not want contact from/with you.

leave her alone.

I am a friend

Op what's your motivation for getting back in touch?

LegacyUser

i think it depends on your true motives for wanting to contact her.

If you're doing it to make yourself feel less guilty than definitely do not contact her.

If you really want to apologise to her and explain why you did the things you did for her sake than do send her a letter saying so- but don't expect anything in return.

Be prepared for no response or an angry, hurt response. No response will drive you crazy if you're hoping to feel better about yourself as it's seeking validation for your actions from others.

Danniboo

As someone who has been on the receiving end of what you describe, I know it would bring me some peace if I got an apology or some sort of acknowledgement for my exes behaviour. Though i'd imagine this isn't the case for a lot of people.

LegacyUser

I went through something like this with my ex boyfriend, I would be pleased to receive an apology for everything he put me through, it would be like he finally understood what he put me through as he was to stoned / drunk to realise it at the time. An apology would mean closure

Idle Passerby

I agree with the previous poster. I recently received an apology from a person I hadn't spoken to in about six years. I no longer held any anger or hurt over what was done but I didnt think of that person in a favorable light. However, knowing that they felt remorse over something that happened so long ago and took the time to make contact with me in order to apologist was really was something I really appreciated. I havnt kept in touch with that person since the apology, our relationship was well in the past, but it ment alot to hear "I'm sorry".

Having said that, only contact her if its a genuine apology with no ulterior motives. Dont expect her to want to be friends.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't know that she deleted him because he put up the picture. It could be just coincidence. I often do a clear out of friends and may delete someone who I don't have any contact with after they posted something that appeared in my news feed and reminded me they are on my friends list!!

Did your friend have very regular Facebook contact with her? Were they in touch through it, or were they just in each other's list?

Contact her if you wish to let her know you are sorry... she may accept your apology or she may not. As others have said, be honest with yourself about your reason for contacting her again.

LegacyUser

I had someone that was liked how you acted. I cut out all the contact then after we finished.

And I definitely don't wanna hear anything or any apology from that person. It would just stir my emotions. I forgave him already and I dont need his apology to make me feel better, but I don't want to hear from him either. I wish him happy but I want to let the past to be in the past.

ihsb

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I actually dont agree. If you really hurt this woman, make amends, but leave it there. Send her message, explaining how sorry you are and perhaps dont go overboard on any self pity things either, its her you have to make feel better, not yourself.

Also if you intend to do this, make sure its daytime, nothing reeks of drunk messages like a message sent at night-time or quite late on a saturday night.

After you send the message, let it be, if she chooses not to respond, its over and you tried. But dont try anymore. Some things arent meant to be all rosy in the end. Best of luck.

Totally agree. Explain that you have mended yourself and you want to make amends. Explain that it isn't that you want her back, you just want to clean the slate.

bubbaloo

I would definitely agree with those who say you should write to her and apologise for your actions. I believe from your post that you have the right intentions - you simply recognise the error of your ways and want her to see that you have acknowledged the pain you caused to her and you are sorry. I think that is quite honourable and I think she may appreciate the element of closure.

I lost a friendship some years ago with a very good friend over the hurt she caused. I have moved on and barely spare her a thought, but I must admit I would appreciate an apology from her - as long as that is all it is, an apology with no expectation of contact afterwards.
Good luck and congrats on moving forward with your life in a positive way - it's a difficult thing to do.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone OP here,

Thanks for all replies.

I think I will write a short apology explaining that I was wrong, I apologise, and that I do not expect any contact forthcoming from her. I have already forgiven myself for it, so my intentions are to give her some closure, and to somewhat remedy some negativity from the past.

I hope that she can find some closure, and move on with her life.

Danniboo

makeitright wrote: »

Hi everyone OP here,

Thanks for all replies.

I think I will write a short apology explaining that I was wrong, I apologise, and that I do not expect any contact forthcoming from her. I have already forgiven myself for it, so my intentions are to give her some closure, and to somewhat remedy some negativity from the past.

I hope that she can find some closure, and move on with her life.

Good for you, for what it's worth I wouldn't put on the bit about her moving on with her life. It might look like you think she's still not over you or something.

username123

I think you should let sleeping dogs lie.

You wont be doing this for her no matter how much you try to fool yourself that you will, you'll be doing it to massage your own ego.

Its very arrogant to assume that this person somehow needs your closure - it sounds like you need closure on your own behaviour.

Why would this girl need your apology two years later? What do you really hope to achieve by this?

I had a person come back to me years after treating me appallingly and apologise. It was through Facebook. I accepted the apology, but inwardly I was thinking that it meant nothing so long after the events, Id long moved on, Id zero interest in having this person in my life again (quite simply Id seen what they were capable of and id never trust them again), I didnt care for the breezy catch up that they seemed to want to engage in following the apology, it was insulting tbh that they thought they could slip back into their old role as friend with associated in jokes etc after all that had happened. Im not saying I was still angry with them or actively disliked them, they simply meant nothing to me now except a bad memory that Id no interest in revisiting.

Sometimes when youre enough of an a-hole to someone there is no apology that can bridge it and you have to accept the consequences of your own behaviour, that is, that the person may genuinely never want to see or hear from you again.

LovelyLottie

makeitright wrote: »

Hi everyone OP here,

Thanks for all replies.

I think I will write a short apology explaining that I was wrong, I apologise, and that I do not expect any contact forthcoming from her. I have already forgiven myself for it, so my intentions are to give her some closure, and to somewhat remedy some negativity from the past.

I hope that she can find some closure, and move on with her life.

I agree with username123. After 2 years, i don't think you're doing this for her, you're doing this for you.

If it had happened in the recent past, then i'd say sure send an apology and then let her move on.

But you sending an apology after 2 years is not because you want her to move on. She's already moved on. Leave her alone.

LegacyUser

I received an apology from a boyfriend who hurt we a lot and it was really healing. It helped a lot of the hurt and confusion to dissolve.

Since then (years later) there has been someone else who caused me a lot of hurt. Like you, we broke up two years ago, I'm still making sense of it. He was very cruel and after the break up I struggled to forgive him in my mind because I thought that would be the healthier thing to do. But after much thought, I concluded that you can't forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven. That means that at least for now, I'm still left carrying some of that burden of hurt and anger, that weight you feel when you haven't forgiven someone. If he was to apologise I feel some of that would be lifted. I'm still quite capable of getting on with my life of course and would do if he apologised... only even faster. But I would say, yeah, send an email, say sorry. Do it for her, not you.

LegacyUser

Clearly she has NOT moved on if she's deleting the OPs friends from being her facebook friend if she sees that they are also friends with him.
OP, as the female in a very similar situation, also 2 years on, I'd certainly appreciate an acknowledgment as to the hurt caused. And if my ex actually apologised, whilst I wouldn't get back together with him, it would give me some degree of comfort that the person I was once in love with, actually had a heart after all, and once loved me too.
Also it'd make me have more respect for him as a man (as opposed to a coward)& respect for myself for choosing to date him in the first place!

LegacyUser

I don't agree.

Some people have messed me over in my life, as I have messed others over. An apology from them would be hugely appreciated. Not because I am still angry or bitter, but because it is a nice, decent thing to do.

OP's problems and recovery are their own, but a short message to apologise for some atrocious behaviour is a good thing to do. Write it, send it, forget it and move on.

If making amends is the intention, send the note.

If there are other intentions, leave it be.

seeker11

I agree with the other posters...it totally depends on your intentions. If you truly feel remorse go for it. However I would just explain your actions and apologise and not mention anything else.
As someone who has been deeply hurt in the past by someone, and never got an apology, I would have very mixed feelings bout getting one now a few years later. I would wonder about the motivations etc. I would also wonder about the sincerity of it. However, I think I would prefer to get a well written one than not, and I would never reply. Although, its hard to say (i know I will NEVER get one). Getting an apology will probably make her skin crawl if it hurt her that much.

Best of luck and if you have sincerely changed, well done. :-)

Paddy Bateman

sam34 wrote: »

the woman CLEARLY does not want contact from/with you.

leave her alone.

+1. It's no good now trying to unload your guilt. I guess you will have to carry it as a reminder of what you did and in some ways maybe that's the way it should be

Chinafoot

jklkl wrote: »

Clearly she has NOT moved on if she's deleting the OPs friends from being her facebook friend if she sees that they are also friends with him.

The fact that she doesn't want anything to do with the OP doesn't mean she hasn't "moved on". If someone treated me in an appalling manner I wouldn't be too keen on them knowing anything about my life through their friend's access to my facebook page. Then again, as another poster said, this facebook friend might not be a friend at all and she may have simply been getting rid of people she isn't actually friendly with. Her relationship with this friend may have only existed because of the OP so I don't see why her removing this person means she's dwelling on the past and hasn't moved on.

OP, personally I think you should leave it alone, however, if you really want to do this then just write her a note, send it, do not expect a reply and never attempt to contact her again. I would also advise against mentioning her moving on as that just reeks of ego-masturbation on your part tbh.

LovelyLottie

I'm all for apologies. For the right reasons. And at the right time.

I wonder why it's taken the OP two years and an analysis of her facebook activity to realise that he should apologise for what he calls "mean and pathetic" behaviour.

I've been on the receiving end of guys who have demonstrated mean and pathetic behaviour. And who've left plenty of time pass, then try to apologise. That's where i'm coming from with my opinion on this.

If the OP had said that after thinking long and hard about what he did, he's realised that he really hurt this girl and he'd like to communicate his remorse - i might say yeah, but i probably wouldn't as TWO years have elapsed (Why was it not clear before now that the behaviour warranted an apology?) But this has been triggered by some nonsense on facebook? Pleeease. Leave her alone.

LegacyUser

OP i was in a smilar situation to your ex a few years ago. My ex had mental health issues and his way of dealing it was to hurl abuse at me until I had no choice but to leave. For the next two years I was on the receiving end of "poor me, your better off without me" e-mail, texts, etc. It didn't make me feel any better, it just made me angry that he was trying to resolve his guilt over what he put me through.

This girl has moved on, it will just aggravate the situation if you try to contact her again, and from reading your post it seems you only want to offload your guilt as opposed to making her feel better.

Believe me this girl does not want any more contact from you, let sleeping dogs lie and all that.

sam34

the fact she deleted your friend from Facebook may not have anything to do with you, in fact it probably doesn't.

don't be arrogant enough to assume issues in her life still revolve around you.

Wester

OP, I don't doubt for one moment how genuine you are in wanting to apologise to this girl but I sincerely believe that closure is just something you find in the movies; it's not real. I have found myself in a somewhat similar situation to your own except I did the breaking up and when I tried to get in touch again it didn't go down at all well. You're in a good place now, as you say. Embrace that and move forward.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar position, i recommend the book Awareness by Anthony De Mello, if I had known a book could be of such help, I would have read it 10 years ago..

I wouldnt believe it without reading it, have a read of it and if you still feel like contacting her then do so ,but be prepared to face the consequences of this... Best of luck....

Its not easy and some of the more flippant posters on this forum, don't really know or haven't been in the situation you find yourself in, but thats ok, they just don't know, they're asleep, theres no badness or malice there...Read the book.... ;-)

I am a friend

Oh no - leave her be. This is more about you than her and tbh you will probably just freak her out. Even if you say in the letter that this is a once off she probably won't believe it. She will also be freaked out that you are still thinking about her.

She has gotten her Closure with the comfort of having no contact from you in so long. Contacting her again now will only make her worry that you will keep contacting her.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all replies I guess. I haven't sent anything yet, and probably won't judging by the overwhelming response from people here. I have moved on, and hope she has too.

I was hoping that it would bring 'closure' to her past, and mine, and help to ease any pain that there might be. I have come out of a testing time the past while, and while in a stable, proper, sane position, I would have loved to show that I was in the wrong, I recognise it, and offer my apologies - end of.

She probably would think of hearing from me as freaky alright, and I don't want to bother her.

I wish her peace and tranquility moving forward, as I do all of you.

Kindest Regards....OP