Soooo confused and in need of perspective

LegacyUser

I'm in a relationship with a man i adore, i love being next to him, even doing nothing and feel sad without him. He says he loves me and wants to marry me (someday, we've been together 2 years, not living together). Anytime we have arguments or a problem i want to discuss it and he doesn't. Things like he never gets Valentines/birthdays/ Christmas cards but he would be nice with spontaneous presents very occasionally. This Valentines day he didn't get anything, wish me a happy v day or even say thank you for what i gave him. He insists that he shouldn't have to say thank you when its between us as we're so 'close' and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life having to say thank you 10 times a day. I feel its basic manners to say thank you and a bizarre thing to create an issue over or be stubborn over. Now he is planning on asking my father for permission to marry shortly and if eel its a make or break time. I can't imagine breaking up with him, i love life with him but i can't imagine a lifetime of doing nice things for someone and never hearing thank you or receiving a card. He says i'm just fussing.

I don't know at this stage am i really just acting like a loon or is he really not someone i should be spending my life with, am really torn up and need some perspective please

IrishEyes19

You can't base love on Valentines day and getting gifts and what not. If your bf randomly surprises you every other day of the year sometimes, then you have a good thing going, OP. Id be more concerned if Valentines day was the only day he made an effort. It means nothing tbh.

My only objection is that he didnt say thank you, well thats just basic manners, so that would be my only issue, but perhaps he feels you are pushing valentines day too much.

Ickle Magoo

Perspective please wrote: »

...but i can't imagine a lifetime of doing nice things for someone and never hearing thank you or receiving a card.

Though the valentines day gestures wouldn't hold much importance for me, personally, I think you still have to tell him the above. If you can't imagine settling down with someone who won't discuss issues and doesn't say thank you then you have a huge issue - and it's one that is only going to be resolved if you both lay your cards on the table and thrash out a compromise you are both happy to proceed with.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Its not just valentines day, its birthdays and Christmas also, no card, no gift, not even saying happy... day. No thank you for anything i do for him. I took time out of my college work recently to help him with something he was stuck on, no thank you but instead pointed out the one part of it that wasn't up to his standard. He knows that these gestures and manners mean a lot to me but just tells me to move on whenever i'm upset. The majority of the big things between us are great, its these little things that are a problem and i'm finding myself so upset with it and with his attitude. If i ever try to talk to him about the thank you issue he just digs his heels in that if he needs to say thank you then we must not have as great a relationship as he thinks.

I really value manners, and i feel its costs nothing to say please and thanks, as he knows above are important to me i honestly feel its selfish and lazy for him not to find a compromise with me, but he won't even discuss it in order to reach a compromise.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand where you are coming from so will give my perspective! Obviously each relationship is different but none the less issues can be similar. As regards Valentines day I wouldn't worry so much about that but the red flags for me are not discussing issues and the not saying thank you.

I dated a guy who refused to discuss any issues with me. Never paid me a compliment and if I raised something that was bothering me was made to feel like I was over emotional and unhinged. I found this incredibly frustrating. Once we broke up and from the way he handled the break up won't go into here but for me the issue was control. He controlled me by avoiding and ignoring what I wanted to discuss, my needs and feelings. Avoiding is a classic way to control somebody. he can keep the relationship how he wants it and if you deviate from this it will be put back onto you for causing trouble or needing reassurance. I noticed that you refereed to yourself as being needy or were questioning yourself again this is subtle emotional abuse. I don't want to respond to your needs so I will ignore you or make you feel like a psycho - this is all your fault stuff.

With respect to the manners thing he know this is important to you yet still refuses to do anything about it. Control again? Doesn't want to have to change himself in anyway to fit to your needs. If I really cared about someone and they mentioned something like this I would go out of my way to compromise. He is making zero effort.

I didn't realise the extent of the controlling thing until the relationship ended, I was in too deep and I am by no means a door mat. Looking back now I can see lots of other red flags. I was upset when the relationship ended but in reality I see it as a lucky escape. Like your boyfriend the guy was a nice guy but a total control freak.

Is this someone you want to be married to? Communication is the reason most relationships break down. If you were married and had problems would he refuse to discuss them?
Ask yourself are you needs being met here OP and all of them or are you made feel guiltly from wanting to discuss things?

Good luck

LegacyUser

If my girlfriend buys me a coffee I thank her.

If she does something for me I thank her.

Thanking people is basic manners.

Why would you not say thanks when you give him something? Sounds very odd.

As for no Christmas or B'day cards or presents, well, that's just him being mean and tight.

He needs to say thank you as that's what normal people do AND because it means a lot to you.

ihsb

Everyone needs to feel appreciated. And you obviously don't. I often say the presents don't have to cost anything, but mean something to you and be something thoughtful. The same goes with cards, they don't have to look like anything special. It is what they write on the inside that counts. And I think that you are not being unreasonable wanting this. It is all part and parcel of being in a relationship.

I wonder how he would feel if you stopped doing these things for him? You are being a good and supportive girlfriend in your mind and yet it is like he expects it of you.

Maybe let him know you are not happy with the situation. You are not over reacting and let him know you will not let him belittle your feelings. Then inform him nicely that until he starts to do something simple like saying thank you (preferably with a sweet kiss on the cheek) after you do something for him then you will stop it.

Try to be selfish like him, you deserve to get in a relationship what you give and if he is not giving what you give him then try to make him see. If he doesn't then I cannot see how it will work.

Good luck!

LovelyLottie

Perspective please wrote: »

I'm in a relationship with a man i adore, i love being next to him, even doing nothing and feel sad without him. He says he loves me and wants to marry me (someday, we've been together 2 years, not living together). Anytime we have arguments or a problem i want to discuss it and he doesn't. Things like he never gets Valentines/birthdays/ Christmas cards but he would be nice with spontaneous presents very occasionally. This Valentines day he didn't get anything, wish me a happy v day or even say thank you for what i gave him. He insists that he shouldn't have to say thank you when its between us as we're so 'close' and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life having to say thank you 10 times a day. I feel its basic manners to say thank you and a bizarre thing to create an issue over or be stubborn over. Now he is planning on asking my father for permission to marry shortly and if eel its a make or break time. I can't imagine breaking up with him, i love life with him but i can't imagine a lifetime of doing nice things for someone and never hearing thank you or receiving a card. He says i'm just fussing.

I don't know at this stage am i really just acting like a loon or is he really not someone i should be spending my life with, am really torn up and need some perspective please

Never ignore your gut feeling. That's what my (disastrous, admittedly) love life has taught me.

You are entitled to feel the way you feel. You're not happy that (i) he won't discuss arguments / problems, and (ii) he doesn't make you feel valued and appreciated when you do nice things for him.

V's Day is irrelevant - but i think it speaks volumes that you got him something, but he knows he can get away with ignoring it completely. Of course it's a stupid, meaningless holiday - so why not just get the woman you're about to marry a stupid, cheap card or make them a nice dinner so that they feel loved and appreciated?

Don't trivialise your own feelings - this is how you feel. Be strong and stick to your guns. You feel this way because in your head you have a certain idea of how you would like to be treated and how you would like to be valued and loved in a relationship. Just because a man tells you that you're 'fussing' or making a big deal of nothing, doesn't mean that he's right or that you have to believe him!

Anyone who doesn't say thank you is rude, mean and arrogant. Sorry, but that's just not on.

You need to discuss these issues with him, and tell him that this is starting to become a deal-breaker for you. Maybe he'll cop on, maybe he won't. But at least give him the chance to make a bit more of an effort. Best of luck.

Flange/Flanders

hi op. Just a quick question for you? You say he doesn't acknowledge say Christmas day. Well is he like that with everyone, all his family and friends? If so then fair enough. But then if he does do the whole celebrating Christmas with everyone else and not you then he is treating you different to everyone else and not in the good way.

lace

Hi OP!

Just a point about the cards - generally, I don't really buy cards for my OH. Or anyone else really. It's not that I'm being mean, thoughtless or selfish, it's just that I'd never really think to. Cards are just something I'm not interested in and I'd much rather write a note on a present tag, say it in person or send a text. I just don't understand why people make such a big deal about them.

That said - it's very strange that he refuses to say thank you. Is he like this with everyone? I can't imagine that not wanting to have to say thank you every day will get him very far. Does he expect to also avoid being mannerly at work?

The biggest issue here, however, is that he is refusing to acknowledge problems when you want to discuss them. He is making you feel like you're in the wrong for expecting some common decency and manners, and that's not normal.

If I were you, I would sit him down again and let him know that this is not on. Let him know how serious it is. Tell him that, although this may seem like a small thing to him, it's something that's very important to you and that you feel the whole relationship will be in jeopardy if things don't improve.

If he doesn't make more of an effort after a conversation like that then you're going to seriously have to consider whether or not you can live on like this. You talk about wanting to spend the rest of your life with this man but can you imagine getting to 70 or 80, handing your husband a cup of tea and not even getting a thankyou?