Despair over mother's alcoholism.

LegacyUser

My mother has always had a drinking problem but over the past two years it has worsened. The cycle is she goes on a bender for about two weeks then gets taken to a hospital in Dublin to detox but always discharges herself instead of pursuing the after treatment of therapy. Before there could be a month or two gap between each binge but now it barely reaches two weeks. She is no longer allowed go to the hospital in Dublin unless she goes there sober (which will never happen) because she has been in and out so much.

When she gets out of the hospital she refuses to talk about it. I am the only one in the family that calls her on this (I know, we aren't a normal family). I have tried talking reasonably and encouraging to her about beating the alcoholism but nothing penetrates. Sometimes I just get so angry, when I look at her drunk I honestly feel like I just want to punch her full force in the face.

When the binges first started again two years ago she could be quite insulting but now it is just pathetic. She just lies in bed or in the sitting room and doesn't wash herself or eat properly. She pisses herself sometimes and during the last binge she was even pooing everywhere. It was disgusting coming back from college and having to clean up your mother's wastes. It was especially difficult during my Leaving Cert and I thought I would escape it all by going to college, but I still have to go home at the weekends sometimes.

It is now just my dad that has to face this all on his own (I'm the youngest and my two older siblings don't really live at home anymore) and I think it is driving him insane. He suffers from depression anyway so being trapped taking care of a woman that he only married because she threatened to take my eldest sister away when she was a child and he would never see her again. I have never once in my life seen my parents even hug so for him, this is not a labour of love. I have a temper sometimes and I was angrily telling my dad to throw mam out, but the fact is, if she was thrown out she would die. There is no way she could cope. She is already seriously underweight and wouldn't be able to last on the streets. For my dad to throw her out, he would be essentially killing her

My mother is not a bad person. She is definitely mentally unstable as her behaviour sober has always even be odd. She is a hermit that has no friends. Social interactions put her on edge and she just spends her time watching tv. She could spend the day pottering around the house but every evening she is in front of the television. I have always been good to her in the sense that I go to the cinema with her, or town for lunch. I have tried to give her books to read but she literally has no hobbies or interests, she is a shell of a person. She always has an anxiety problem that makes her go to the bathroom at least once or twice an hour. I have told she can get medication for the anxiety but she won't.

I am so sorry this is so long but, to be honest, I could have written a lot more. The situation now is that she is drunk and dad has nowhere for her to go. He is going to try someplace in Athy that is for alcoholics but this is just getting her dry and healthy to start again. It scared me talking to him on the phone earlier and hearing how sad he is, we just don't know what we can do. I feel like this is only going to stop with her death but I just cant think about that because it is hard enough to act normal and cope as it is. I feel it is all so hopeless. She has gone to therapy in the past, AA meetings, got involved with a computer course and yoga but it all just falls to crap and doesn't make a difference. She was sectioned at one stage when we were children, I just feel like there is no hope and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to any of my friends about this because no one what to say and it is just awkward...

username123

Hello.

I want you to know that I have been through exactly the things you are going through (and worse at times!) and I promise you, things can and will get better for you, if you keep an open mind and change the things you can.

Ok, its a very long post to address so Ill just ramble on generally as opposed to going through specific points. Youre gonna think some of this is harsh, thats ok, it is.

First of all, your mothers alcoholism is her own responsibility, not yours, not your Dads, no one elses but her own. Your father has choices too. He could separate from your mother. You (and he) are belittling her as an adult by suggesting that if she moved out she would die - my mother used this excuse for my father for years. Your mother is an adult and just as capable of surviving in the world as anyone else. She has an addiction, thats her choice. If she chooses to lie down and die (which she wont anyway because the addiction is stronger than the will to die), then that is her choice and you have to respect that choice - but you dont have to be a part of it.

All this detoxing and in and out of hospital etc... its all a waste of time if she doesnt want to stop the cycle for herself. They say the alcoholic has to reach rock bottom to choose to change - I dont know, my father reached many a rock bottom, and never stopped. But all the detox cycle is doing is giving you false hope and putting her under more pressure that she is not able to live up to. She has a choice here, she can continue to drink and affect everyone in the family as a result of it, or she can stop with support. She chooses to continue all the time, you cannot change that - only she can. The place in Athy is well familiar with this situation.

No, your mother is not a bad person, she is a sick person with a disease. Some people dont think alcoholism is a disease, I do, I think its a disgusting mental disease that destroys both the alcoholic and everyone around them.

Anyway, enough about all that. The main thing here is - how can you help you! Its surprisingly easy. My father was an aggressive alcoholic, soiling himself, in and out of hospital - think father jack, now think father jack with aggression, mossy stuff growing on his face, a bad smell, blood and wastes all over the place, possible brain damage from the alcohol and not sober at all, not once, for 7 or 8 years before his death. Kind of like an animal with no other desire except the next drink. Not human - he didnt seem human for the last few years at all.

So - thats what I had going on, and I was desperate, frustrated, upset, anxious, mentally, emotionally, physically worn out. Massive irritable bowel syndrome, down to under 7 stone - all from stress. I wanted to die. I wanted him to die. I couldnt see a way out of the situation unless one of us died. I thought many times about poisoning the alcohol to kill him, or just providing a never ending stream of pure spirits because if it was there he would drink it - and I thought eventually if I just kept putting a bottle next to him he would poison himself.

I wasnt in a healthy place, mentally or physically.

I went to Alanon and it saved my life, literally. All it is is a support group for people affected by another persons drinking. Thats all. It doesnt require you to do anything other than go to a meeting an hour a week, listen, talk, learn, understand, find out how to cope and thats all it is.

Some people think its a bit 'holy' - the idea is spirituality, not religion - Im an atheist and I never had an issue with that aspect of it.

Its hard to explain, but it just helps. Its teaches you how to change your behaviour so as not to make the situation worse, and how to detach and how to live your own life despite this awful thing going on in your family. It kind of gives you back your sanity.

Thats all I did. I had tried lots of other things - all based around helping the alcoholic and not around helping myself - but none of them worked. I learned the hard way that I cant change anyone else, only myself.

Good luck - Ive been through hard things in life, surgery, health issues, loss etc... and Ive never been through anything harder than a parent with alcoholism, it still haunts me.