The texting/meeting/shifting phase

LegacyUser

ok i have a kinda friends with benifits in college who ive been meeting up with on night out since the start of the year and were only kind of friends, (we dont plan to meet up), i chat when i see her, friends on facebook, nothing serious and that went on since September

but over the last week, we have been texting each other in a flirty kind of way for the first time, with a hint of going onto the next step. but unfortunately for me this is the stage in a relationship that i just implode, iv never been in a proper relationship because im just shy, quiet and not good at the whole dating scene.

its always playing on my mind; am i trying to hard, not showing enough intrest, letting it slip away. we are only kinda texting at the minute but i don't like texting because i never know how often to text that's in between being clingy or being ignorant ie, trying to hard or not trying at all.

so now what do i do, iv been kinda texting her everyday since last Monday, we met midweek on a night out and chatted, kissed ect. i dont know whether i should text her everyday (is this the norm?) although she does text me somedays too

i wouldnt know how to ask her out (like what to actually say) or in what circumstances, or i wouldnt know if its to early/late to ask her. i suppose i could ask her to meet up for a drink during the day or something but that would be extremely nerve-wrecking for me and the fear she might say no.

i want this to work out this time because it this, uncertainty/insecurity that would have prevented relationships in the past. and its hard to learn from mistakes when you dont know what the mistakes actually were,

any advice,
thanks

beks101

OK so let me get this straight. She's a friends with benefits, which implies you've already had sex with her, you kiss regularly and text every day, yet you can't initiate a single conversation asking her if she'd like to meet for a drink?

Come on now. Look at this logically. All the signs are there and this girl is probably driving herself crazy wondering when the hell you're going to get your act together and actually ask her out on a proper date. She's probably just as insecure as you, thinking it's just a physical thing to you and you're not actually that into her.

Just bite the bullet and do it before she gets fed up and it's too late. There's no avoiding the fear or the risk that she'll say no, but do you want to continue in your pattern of failing at the last hurdle in your relationships or do you want to actually get passed it to something new and potentially wonderful?

And the wording - come on, you're not five years old, use your brain here. Ask her if she wants to grab a drink in the college bar after classes, tell her you're really interested in seeing X film and would love some company, ask her what she's doing Friday/Saturday/whatever day and take it from there. ASK HER OUT! Do it today!

qwerty93

I met this girl in mid november and we hit it off fairly well:) we texted each other a couple times a day mabye and perhaps met up once a week, over the cjristmas break (in college:D) we continued with the texting more or less daily, now that were back in college we have met up a couple of times in a less alchohal related environment and things seem fairly good..however it feels im the only one making the effort to meet up in the past week or so, she seems happy just to text me and that, my friends think that i should just grow apair and ask her out , but its hard for someone who has never done it before:o and shes a fairly laidback girl in the sense that she is very popular and would have plenty of friends already so confidence is a bit of an issue for me..i dont know what to do tbh, whether she likes me enough to go out with me or not..mabye im overthinking things but anyones opinion would be greatly valued:o:)

squonk

Dude, I was you at one stage (minus the friends with benefits I should add). You've hit it off, text a lot and even slept together. She's probably getting tired of waiting for something to happen. Right now you're like a plane circling the airport. The Traffic Controllers are screaming 'CLEAR TO LAND' over the radio. Landing lights have been turned on and someone has even gotten a bunch of flares and wrote 'LAND GODDAMNIT' on the grass beside the runway but at this point the whole airport staff are putting on their coats and saying 'Shag this for a game of soldiers, we're going home!'.

Look, you have to just do this. It gets easier with time but you have to start somewhere. An awful lot of people have to ask with no clear chance of being told yes. You've better first time odds than most. I'm just putting this in perspective for you. By asking you know where you stand either way. I can't tell you any more. You just have to do this. Invite her out for a drink and broach the subject, or do something else you both enjoy and are comfortable with.

LegacyUser

Ok thanks for the advice everyone, alright il ask her the next time i see her does she want to grab a drink sometime or something, but no doubt this will be the following morning after next night out.


it just seems that all my friends with goes through the meeting/relationship/break-up in the time span it takes me to figure out if she likes me or not and the reason for this is im just not good on the relationship talk, i will literally will be stuck for words when the crunch time comes! to afraid to show my feeling or look stupid.

how would i start a conversation about "us" when we have never had any conversation like it before

the only experience i would have in these kinda situation is tryna look at relationships of people around me, i.e. asking questions like "so how did he ask you out?" trying to make it sound out of interest rather than trying to learn what to do when im in the situation

anyway, il probably be referring back to this fairly often as things go on but il give some thing a shot

squonk

Ok, hang on OP. If I read your last post correctly you mean that the next night out after you've spent the night together you'll throw the whole "So, how's about getting together" thing out there. I'm not sure that's the best idea really, plus I'm assuming after a night out you'll both be hungover and not in the greatest form anyway.

How about just texting her, or better calling her today or tomorrow and seeing if she's up for grabbing a drink with you, just the two of you. First of all, this gives you some of the control in that you're there to do one specific thing and you can get to do it. You don't always know what'll happen after the next night out. Intentionally asking her to meet up shows some initiative too which I'm sure she'd appreciate.

Actually, do call her. Don't text. Now, others are free to comment but I'd just tell her that you like her and that she's someone you want to see more of and not just the odd night out or things like that. Try and flirt with her a bit too, compliment her.

Maybe have a bit of a laugh for a while and give the both of you a chance to relax. Go for somewhere with a bit of atmosphere but isn't a complete 'unce unce unce' dance music sort of spot and somewhere where you can sit together and not opposite ends of a table or so. You know, just make if comfy . You never know, things might take their own course and you might not really need to have the formal chat.

Stay away from nights out and presumably getting rat-arsed, shifting this girl and bringing her home with you. I don't mean to be cruel but by my reading this is what was going on and how you arrived at all this in the first place. In those scenarios you'll never get the chance to say what you want or do what you want. So, before the next night out, do this on your terms.

The mods might disagree as it goes against some rule int he charter about blogs but do let us know how things work out. I'd love to know!

Best of luck!

Miss Fluff

What_do_i_do? wrote: »

Ok thanks for the advice everyone, alright il ask her the next time i see her does she want to grab a drink sometime or something

Grab a drink sometime or something? No, you phone her and ask her would she like to meet you on Friday and mention a specific place and time. You need to ask her out properly, I'm sure she's wondering what your game is at this stage so if you like her ask her out

fits

The older I get the weirder I find it that people can exchange bodily fluids and do the most intimate things and shy at asking simple questions like, "do you want to hang out a bit?"

I agree with the others, phone her and spend some sober time together, doing stuff. Doesnt have to be a date even, go for a walk, or go for brunch after she has stayed over and hang out in town. Then things will progress on naturally from that. Its not that difficult!