Married man flirting with me??????

LegacyUser

I am taking a case to court, and have a fantastic lawyer. I have been working alongside him for the past year with my case. He is married and has children.

A few months ago, I noticed some changes in him, whenever I would go into see him about my case. He would stare at my face, but not in a creepy way. He has done this a few times, but I chose to ignore it, and not say anything. He has also gone out of his way to help me with my case, sending out letters to do with my case, whenever I was upset, something I didn't ask him to do, but he did it anyways. I have cried in his office before, he was just nice to me however.

Recently, I was in his office, and was going through paperwork, and again I could feel him staring at my face (I was looking at the paperwork). I could feel him staring at my face, but I ignored it, and didn't say or do anything. I was telling him how much the case had interfered with my life, and then he asked if I ever switch off from it, I said no not really. Then he said, "I like you", and sort of put his head down a little, and said I mean you are a very honest person. I turned to look at him, and he had a look in his eye, and a slight smile on his face.

He said something I didn't really hear, and I just got embarassed then, as I could feel the tension between us, I think he did as well. The meeting ended then.

Over the past few months he has been really kind, and supportive to me, and even gave me legal advice by email, outside of working hours. He also complemented me on how well I looked before, a day we were in court. I have let him know I am very grateful for his advice, and kindness, but that is it.

I am a single girl, and have absolutely NO INTENTION of getting involved with him, as he is my lawyer, and he is also married with kids. I respect him, and have not given him any signs I am interested in him whatsoever, and I definately would never cross that line, NEVER.

I just want to know what is going on with him????? Is this harmless flirting, or does he want something with me????? I can't figure it out, and some opinions would be great.

I am a friend

Sounds to me like he is a bored married man looking for a fling. Am not sure, if you are not interested,why you care what he wants???

beks101

Yeah I agree with the above. There's nothing too incriminating about his behaviour towards you at this stage, but he clearly has an interest in you and whether he's building up to doing something less subtle about it at any stage is anyone's guess.

He's married and you're not interested, so just act distinctly uninterested. If you catch him staring at your face again, stare right back at him with a quizzical expression on your face and ask him what he's looking at. Keep a physical distance from him and if he makes any leading comments again about liking you etc, tell him that while you appreciate the work he's done for you, those kind of remarks cross a line and make you feel uncomfortable. Basically, don't entertain it and let him know that his behaviour isn't going unnoticed and isn't welcome.

The Corinthian

He might not be looking for a fling. He might simply be flirtatious, but will leave it at that (when you're in a monogamous relationship long enough you can get really good at this, I can tell you), he might be in a mid life crisis and may see a new relationship (not a fling) with another woman as his 'exit' from his current life. Or a number of other possibilities.

Given this, better safe than sorry and the last thing you want is for him to blurt out a declaration of love or make a pass at you and inevitably sour not only your personal but also professional relationship.

So the thing to do is avoid any scenario whereby this can occur. When you meet him, try to have a third person present. Do not accept invitations for drinks, lunch or even coffee after a court hearing (again unless you have a third party present). And FFS stop getting emotional and personal with him - crying in his office is essentially inviting him to cross the professional line from his being your advocate to being your confidant.

If you maintain that safe distance for the duration of the case, ignore the stares and puppy-dog eyes and avoid any 'incidents', then you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

He might not be looking for a fling. He might simply be flirtatious, but will leave it at that (when you're in a monogamous relationship long enough you can get really good at this, I can tell you), he might be in a mid life crisis and may see a new relationship (not a fling) with another woman as his 'exit' from his current life. Or a number of other possibilities.

Given this, better safe than sorry and the last thing you want is for him to blurt out a declaration of love or make a pass at you and inevitably sour not only your personal but also professional relationship.

So the thing to do is avoid any scenario whereby this can occur. When you meet him, try to have a third person present. Do not accept invitations for drinks, lunch or even coffee after a court hearing (again unless you have a third party present). And FFS stop getting emotional and personal with him - crying in his office is essentially inviting him to cross the professional line from his being your advocate to being your confidant.

If you maintain that safe distance for the duration of the case, ignore the stares and puppy-dog eyes and avoid any 'incidents', then you'll be fine.

OP here, thanks everyone. When I met him initially, he was a little bit cranky and was not flirtatious when I starting working alongside him a year ago. Like I say over the past few months he has been so nice to me, and gone out of his way for me. He has no idea if I am single or not, although he did ask who gave me this really nice necklace I wore once before.

I cried in his office a while ago, as I couldn't help it, as I'm going through a really difficult time, and he understood that. I have felt things change with him over the past few months, and I feel like he is being nicer and nicer to me as time goes on, and being a support to me in a way I suppose.

The height of all of this was reached the last time I saw him, and I'm not sure if the "I like you" was with reference to me going to court, and for me to look after myself, or if the "I like you" was that he actually liked me, not sure myself.

He is a lawyer, and surely he wouldn't want to start something with me, him having a family, and knowing the legal implications, or would some married men just decide on something like this themselves whether they are a lawyer or not??

Forever Hopeful

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

OP here, thanks everyone. When I met him initially, he was a little bit cranky and was not flirtatious when I starting working alongside him a year ago. Like I say over the past few months he has been so nice to me, and gone out of his way for me. He has no idea if I am single or not, although he did ask who gave me this really nice necklace I wore once before.

I cried in his office a while ago, as I couldn't help it, as I'm going through a really difficult time, and he understood that. I have felt things change with him over the past few months, and I feel like he is being nicer and nicer to me as time goes on, and being a support to me in a way I suppose.

The height of all of this was reached the last time I saw him, and I'm not sure if the "I like you" was with reference to me going to court, and for me to look after myself, or if the "I like you" was that he actually liked me, not sure myself.

He is a lawyer, and surely he wouldn't want to start something with me, him having a family, and knowing the legal implications, or would some married men just decide on something like this themselves whether they are a lawyer or not??

I'm sorry if I am being direct here but to me it sounds like you like him or you are enjoying the attention. Earlier you said you had absolutely no intention of going near him but that phrase I think doth protest too much is a bit applicable here.

In the rare times that I've received attention, I didn't really notice or cop on unless I was actively looking for it to see if something was reciprocated.
If I wasn't interested, I wouldn't see it. Simple as.
No one here can tell you what the man's intention is but only you know what you intention is.
If you are not attracted to him or its giving you the creeps then you can make it clear, through your actions that you are not.
TBH, it sounds to me, that you are reading way to much into something. If you are uncomfortable with the (perceived) attention, then bring someone with you.

The Corinthian

sunflower27 wrote: »

Are you actually flattered that someone in his position - and married with a family - seems to fancy you? That quoted bit above makes it appear that way.

Sorry to say this, but there does appear to be an element of this all right, however subconscious.

LovelyLottie

I might sound a bit heavy-handed here, but i think it is completely inappropriate for him to be acting in this manner. He is overstepping the mark. Don't be flattered by it.

A married man with integrity and a strong moral compass would never comment on how nice a female client looks or stare at them in the face in a way which could be misinterpreted. Men are not stupid! I'd say he knows what he's doing. They are subtle yet pretty obvious signs that he's a bit of a sleaze in my opinion.

If i was his wife, i wouldn't be impressed. Him doing case-related stuff out of hours is fine, but making personal comments, gazing at you and saying 'I like you' are in my opinion inappropriate for a lawyer-client relationship.

He's not your friend, although it may feel like that. You are paying him money to carry out a service for you. If i were you, i'd make sure he keeps his mind on the case, not on me.

Miss Fluff

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

I have felt things change with him over the past few months, and I feel like he is being nicer and nicer to me as time goes on, and being a support to me in a way I suppose.

Eh, you're his client, of course he is going to be supportive.

I am sure you're also crossing his palm with silver and you've been working with him on the case for over a year now so of course he is going to be nice to you.

I reread your post as I thought I may have missed a paragraph somewhere along the line. I think you're looking for an issue where there is none tbh. He has done nothing inappropriate and it sounds to me like you WANT him to be flirting with you when in actual fact he's just doing his job. Sending emails "outside of working hours" for example...he probably has a dozen similar cases on the go at once, a lot of lawyers work 12 hour days. You're reading way too much into this...

SineadMarie

Yea its sounds to me like you want us to tell you that yes he fancies you, when in actual fact he probably doesnt, your his client and like the above said your paying him, some people are just flirty in general.

sam34

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

A few months ago, I noticed some changes in him, whenever I would go into see him about my case. He would stare at my face, but not in a creepy way. He has done this a few times.

no offence OP, but this makes you sound like a teenager. it always baffles me when I hear/see grown adults talking about a "look" someone gave them and interpreting it as a sign of interest. He could be looking intently at you because he is thinking of how to proceed with your court case, or because he's concentrating hard on what you are saying, or the opposite, he's actually distracted but trying to feign that he's paying attention, or maybe just because he's trying to hold in a fart. Seriously, it doesn't mean anything.

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

He has also gone out of his way to help me with my case, sending out letters to do with my case

ehh, this is his job, it's what he's getting paid to do.

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

Recently, I was in his office, and was going through paperwork, and again I could feel him staring at my face (I was looking at the paperwork). I could feel him staring at my face

again, very teenager-ish. perhaps he was loking at you waiting for you to finish going through the paperwork and say something?

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

I was telling him how much the case had interfered with my life, and then he asked if I ever switch off from it, I said no not really. Then he said, "I like you", and sort of put his head down a little, and said I mean you are a very honest person. I turned to look at him, and he had a look in his eye, and a slight smile on his face. .

take it at face value. instead of putting on a brave face and saying you were able to switch off, you gave an honest answer. why wouldn't he appreciate that?

and again, "a look"... seriously?

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

Over the past few months he has been really kind, and supportive to me, and even gave me legal advice by email, outside of working hours

so? it's his job to be supportive and to give you legal advice.

the fact that he sent an email out of hours is irrelevant. all it shows is that he sometimes works late. last night, I emailed my accountant at 11pm (obviously knowing he wouldnt read it til this morning). that was the time I was free to do it and had all the necessary info for him. it doesnt mean I fancy him. I do a lot of medico-legal work outside office hours and would sometimes email or fax solicitors after hours, simply because I'm still working at that time, nothing else.

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

He also complemented me on how well I looked before, a day we were in court

it makes sense to turn up in court well dressed and well groomed, better than turning uo in a tracksuit and with greasy hair. presumably he was just remarking on the sensible choice you made.

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

When I met him initially, he was a little bit cranky and was not flirtatious when I starting working alongside him a year ago. Like I say over the past few months he has been so nice to me, and gone out of his way for me..

Needsomeadviceplease... wrote: »

I cried in his office a while ago, as I couldn't help it, as I'm going through a really difficult time, and he understood that. I have felt things change with him over the past few months, and I feel like he is being nicer and nicer to me as time goes on, and being a support to me in a way I suppose..

you've been dealing with him for a year, of course ye have gotten more relaxed in each other's company

and, again, it's his job to be supportive and do legal work for you.


I think you're reading an awful lot into very small, minor things, tbh. there's a reasonable explanation for everything you mentioned, which is more plausible than a lawyer risking his marriage and professional reputation for a client.

CarMe

Op i recently had dealings with a solicitor, also married with kids. He would often look at me while i was going through paperwork, i would say it was because he wanted feedback so we could proceed. He often called me outside working hours, probably because he was so busy during the day with other clients he had forgotten to run through things with me etc. He was very kind to me as the subject was often very upsetting for me and he sent me a Christmas card. We recently wrapped up and i bought him some chocolates and wine for himself and his wife as a thank you and he assured me it was uncalled for as he did nothing other than his job.
I later got the bill and realised he got paid very well for it.
By the sounds of it, he really is just doing his job. Don't give it a second thought.

Abi

The Corinthian wrote: »

And FFS stop getting emotional and personal with him - crying in his office is essentially inviting him to cross the professional line from his being your advocate to being your confidant.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Visits to a solicitors office are rarely for nice reasons, so I understand emotions running a little high at times. But I really feel this 'staring' that is going on is uncomfortable pauses after the OP speaks and is upset. He isn't supposed to get involved with her personally, all he can do is sit there and listen, then advise of their next steps legally.

His comment about 'liking' her seems like the only time he stepped out of line professionally, and I don't think it is because he was flirting with her, I think he meant it in the way that he believes shes a good character and feels genuinely sorry for her situation. I think the OP's lack of restraint with her emotions led him to make this awkward comment.

sunflower27 wrote: »

To be honest, this part of your post makes it sound like you are enjoying this flirtation.

Bang on..

Are you actually flattered that someone in his position - and married with a family - seems to fancy you? That quoted bit above makes it appear that way.

And again..

I think the point of the thread is for verification that the OP's solicitor may be feeling something for her.


OP, I'm sorry for being so upfront, but as others have begun to suspect - there is something going on here. Your being upset in his office tells us that obviously that you're very upset about your situation, but your OWN married solicitor is not the way to go about it, and you're going to confuse things by depending on this man for comfort and affection. His comment on your appearance before court may have just been to give you a confidence boost knowing how upset you've been over the whole thing, before you go into court.

I'm never out of solicitors offices at the moment, because I've a messy separation and its a rough one at that. Since I ended my marriage, my ex has put me through hell, but I've never gone any further than a quick eye wipe and I got on with what I had to say.

I'm sorry, but if anyone started being unprofessional, it was you. If you feel that things have gotten messy, and your case may not be handled as well as you'd like because of this confusion, seek another solicitor. Look at the replies here and please don't take offense to anything said, have a good look at yourself, and be truthful - are you taking some comfort from his empathy, and maybe secretly hoping he means more of it?

I wish you the very best with your case OP, but please remember, solicitors defend you in court, they're not counselors.

Katy89

ok, I think the last advices here are going in the wrong and unfair direction, especially the last one...
quote:I think the OP's lack of restraint with her emotions led him to make this awkward comment.

very bad excuses for unapprobriate behaviour of this man. a person is 'allowed to cry' especially if there are tough situations going on for her of which nobody here has a clue anyway. this is absolutely not a green card for her lawyer or anybody to think he can have an easy game on her.

it is not acceptable for him as your lawer to tell you: 'I like you'. this is crossing a line in a supposed to be professional client relationship.
the staring at your face, how you describe it, is not approbriate either.

as well how you describe the process, he going from a kind of cranky guy to a very eager person towards you and your case indicates there's something going on in his mind.

but as others mentioned, what do you think about it? are you secretly a bit pleased by it??
you should make your mind up about you and what role you want to have in this situation.
as the others, I would recommend make it clear to him you are not interested in a personal relationship. for example him staring at you, you looking straight back and asking (politely but determined): is there somehting wrong?
just let him know that you are not interested in his compliments and that it is inapprobriate.

fits

To be fair to OP I think you probably know when someone is crossing a boundary. Be sure to maintain a professional relationship from now on and no more emotional stuff. Also keep a physical distance at all times.

as for the after hours contact etc... I think thats fairly common from a busy solicitor, and I think you're also looking for something that isnt there. Do you fancy him?

sam34

Katy89 wrote: »

very bad excuses for unapprobriate behaviour of this man. a person is 'allowed to cry' especially if there are tough situations going on for her of which nobody here has a clue anyway. this is absolutely not a green card for her lawyer or anybody to think he can have an easy game on her..

who said he thinks he can "have an easy game on her"???

Katy89 wrote: »

it is not acceptable for him as your lawer to tell you: 'I like you'. this is crossing a line in a supposed to be professional client relationship.
the staring at your face, how you describe it, is not approbriate either..

firstly, he didn't just say "i like you", he followed it with a comment regarding her honesty after he had asked her a direct and difficult question. he could just as easily have said "you're honest, i like that" and noone would be reading into it. imagine for a second just how many people sit in front of solicitors and lie. now imagine how refreshing and relieving it must be for a client to sit in front of him and tell him the honest truth, no brave face or no deception, just the truth. it's not terribly hard to imagine how he might then respond with "i like you, you're honest".

secondly, this "look" business. seriously, what age are you people? this "he was looking at me" stuff is stuff I hear my 13 year old niece going on with, not grown women. if you read my earlier post I gave many reasons why he might have been looking intently at her. plus, one of these looks she's talking about, she didnt actually see, she could "feel" it. come on!

Katy89 wrote: »

as well how you describe the process, he going from a kind of cranky guy to a very eager person towards you and your case indicates there's something going on in his mind.

ffs. he has gotten to know her better over the year, has met her frequently and is more relaxed with her. not "eager" as if he's a drooling puppy. its not unusual for people in professional relationships to build up a rapport and a relationship (still professional) that means they can be relaxed and somewhat casual with each other.

and re the case, he's doing his bloody JOB, you know, what he's getting paid for. it's beyond me how anyone can think him doing his job is an indication that he is interested in her - wtf i mean, do you think your postman fancies you if he delivers your mail? what about the chinese takeaway guy who OMG calls to your house every saturday? he's calling to your front door, and after a few weeks he knows your name and is friendly, do you now think he's interested? of course you dont, you know he's just doing his job. as is this poor solicitor.

give the man a break.

Katy89

sam34 wrote: »

who said he thinks he can "have an easy game on her"???



firstly, he didn't just say "i like you", he followed it with a comment regarding her honesty after he had asked her a direct and difficult question. he could just as easily have said "you're honest, i like that" and noone would be reading into it. imagine for a second just how many people sit in front of solicitors and lie. now imagine how refreshing and relieving it must be for a client to sit in front of him and tell him the honest truth, no brave face or no deception, just the truth. it's not terribly hard to imagine how he might then respond with "i like you, you're honest".

secondly, this "look" business. seriously, what age are you people? this "he was looking at me" stuff is stuff I hear my 13 year old niece going on with, not grown women. if you read my earlier post I gave many reasons why he might have been looking intently at her. plus, one of these looks she's talking about, she didnt actually see, she could "feel" it. come on!




ffs. he has gotten to know her better over the year, has met her frequently and is more relaxed with her. not "eager" as if he's a drooling puppy. its not unusual for people in professional relationships to build up a rapport and a relationship (still professional) that means they can be relaxed and somewhat casual with each other.

and re the case, he's doing his bloody JOB, you know, what he's getting paid for. it's beyond me how anyone can think him doing his job is an indication that he is interested in her - wtf i mean, do you think your postman fancies you if he delivers your mail? what about the chinese takeaway guy who OMG calls to your house every saturday? he's calling to your front door, and after a few weeks he knows your name and is friendly, do you now think he's interested? of course you dont, you know he's just doing his job. as is this poor solicitor.

give the man a break.

omg, calm down I can only say.

and I'm not going into this very much as I don't see any sense in it. I'm just very surprised how posters here seem to know exactly what was going on in the situation, in detail, as if they have been present and even know the op and this solicitor in person.

Maybe it is how you state, but you don't know it 100%, it's your assumption! so no need to get that agitated.

I take what the op states and writes, and she must have a reason why she decides to write about it, in most cases the gut feelings are right.

The Corinthian

Katy89 wrote: »

I take what the op states and writes, and she must have a reason why she decides to write about it, in most cases the gut feelings are right.

Taking people blindly at face value here is generally a bad idea. Unless you don't mind supplying validation to anyone looking for it, no matter how bad it would be to do so.

Given this, I do think that people have gone from one extreme to the other in this discussion. It is perfectly possible that her solicitor is indeed getting too personal and while there's a certain level of subconscious Liebewunsh on her part that she's not quite the succubus that she is now being pegged as.

sam34

Katy89 wrote: »

omg, calm down I can only say.

and I'm not going into this very much as I don't see any sense in it. I'm just very surprised how posters here seem to know exactly what was going on in the situation, in detail, as if they have been present and even know the op and this solicitor in person.

Maybe it is how you state, but you don't know it 100%, it's your assumption! so no need to get that agitated.

I take what the op states and writes, and she must have a reason why she decides to write about it, in most cases the gut feelings are right.

you've made some assumptions yourself, stating clearly that his behaviour is "unapprobriate" and that he has crossed the professional boundary, that he is becoming "eager" towards her etc.

you have called this man's professional integrity into question based on the info the op supplied.

I, and others, have given possible alternative (and more realistic) motives for
his behaviour, but you don't seem to want to hear them.

ps, I'm not agitated, nor do I need to calm down, but thanks for the concern.

prinz

I agree with the rest of the replies that the OP is reading too much into nothing at all.

The Corinthian wrote: »

And FFS stop getting emotional and personal with him - crying in his office is essentially inviting him to cross the professional line from his being your advocate to being your confidant..

However just on this, yes it is advisable for clients in a setting such as dealing with a solicitor/accountant etc to try to remain calm and clear headed but often times the people involved are on an emotional rollercoaster. People breaking down in your office is to be expected. The onus is not on the OP to 'hold it in' all the time but on the professional to deal with it appropriately when it does happen, anyone working in such a profession should have a routine response to a client breaking down into tears. In the office I work in we have very clear guidelines in how to respond (i.e. offer tissues and try to move on, then offer to leave the client alone in the meeting room for a couple of minutes to collect themselves, lastly suspend the meeting while they go for some fresh air) so that you do not get drawn into the position of being a shoulder to cry on.

The Corinthian

prinz wrote: »

However just on this, yes it is advisable for clients in a setting such as dealing with a solicitor/accountant etc to try to remain calm and clear headed but often times the people involved are on an emotional rollercoaster.

I had misread what the OP originally wrote, as she had simply stated that she had "cried in his office before" which I took to mean more than once, but which she later corrected.

So I agree with you and was really responding to a scenario where she was not 'remaining calm' on more than one occasion.

Katy89

sam34 wrote: »

you've made some assumptions yourself, stating clearly that his behaviour is "unapprobriate" and that he has crossed the professional boundary, that he is becoming "eager" towards her etc.

you have called this man's professional integrity into question based on the info the op supplied.

I, and others, have given possible alternative (and more realistic) motives for
his behaviour, but you don't seem to want to hear them.

yes, that's true, there are different opinions, based on the op's original info. that's what a discussion is there for. if yours are more realistic than mine is subjective.
I've no problem hearing different opinions, that seems again to be your personal subjective perception.

sam34 wrote: »

ps, I'm not agitated, nor do I need to calm down, but thanks for the concern.

writing 'ffs' isn't exactly unagitated, but anyway, I leave it at this. thanks for sharing thoughts:pac:

Forever Hopeful

To be honest, I would like to understand what the OP's real issue is here? I agree with the posters that commented that a lot of the 'does he fancy me' evidence in the posts are not indicators of flirting but more of a solicitor who the OP states she has been 'working alongside' (peculiar phrase unless its day to day) is just doing his job.
Either a) the OP fancies him herself and is looking for evidence that the feeling is reciprocated, b) is finding it uncomfortable (she says the stare isn't creepy) or c) questioning the ethics of solicitors when it comes to infidelity or just in general.

Until we know what the real 'issue' is then its all open to interpretation.