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Cutting family out of life.

  • 19-02-2012 10:24pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,
    I can't go into too much detail but I was just wondering if anyone else was ever in a similar situation.

    I have had a very rough few years and also just getting my life together for the first time.

    My family has been ripped apart by mental health issues. In the last few years, one member has been bad. They have kids and for various reasons now find themselves almost single.

    They told me some really nasty stuff lately, about how useless i am to help them and selfish for not being there for them. My boyfriend and friends say it's now time I forget about them and get on with my life but I feel terrible about giving up on my family. I can't help the person with their health but used to help a lot with the kids.

    I just hate to think that we'll never speak again, the things that were said are things that I really can't disregard and honestly our relationsship will never recover properly anyway as this has been brewing for a long time.

    It feels like i'm losing my whole family, we were never close and it isn't really a surprise but family are still family....right?

    What i'm saying is, how much of yourself do you compromise and bend for the sake of family before you have to say, my own health is not worth this strife, even if it means losing them. I just don't know what to do, if I try and repair things with this family member, my friends and boyfriend will just say i'm letting them(family) walk all over me again, as that is what they've(family) done for years.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭EGAR


    Obviously, I am speaking strictly for myself and it has worked for me, so please do not take this as advice as I am not walking in your shoes.

    I have cut off my family completely over 15 years ago for various reasons, foremost my own sanity. It was time, it felt right and I have not regretted it for one second.

    At some stage in my life I had to stop trying to please everyone else and started to please myself.

    I do not buy into the whole *family has to stick together even if we hate each other* story.

    I wish you the very best of luck in your life, only you know what will make you happy and remember, they can only make you feel miserable if you let them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭saa


    Your family has made your past hard to deal with, don't allow them to make your present hard to deal with.

    I had to do the same for the same reason and more, i moved out at a young age and then wondered why no one rang me and why they gave me such a hard time when i visited, I used to get upset when no one would call and my bf told me to cut them off but it made me feel empty and panicked, It took me two years to be okay with christmas, stop seeing myself as a child in the family and once i started seeing myself as an independent valuable adult in the real world life got a whole lot better.

    You can't help anyone else in your family, you are not a parent, this situation is damaging, in the future you might have a relationship with some of them but for now you need to set up your own life before you can be part of their dysfunctional life you're not a child anymore yet you will feel like youre breaking the family rules, thats okay.



    list out how you will benefit from not being upset r held back by them and go back to that list and your goals when you feel overwhelmed or alone,because ultimately it doesnt sound like your family will be able to be there for you whether you have contact or not.

    I was doing well but started to get made into the bad person, that i was ignoring everyone but this was them trying to bring me down, that is why i couldnt have limited contact it was HARD I had to cut them off.


    So with the family is family logic that would mean that you should (for whos benefit) be damaged by certain people because their name is on your birth cert. There is a possible biological urge to be connected to your parents but that plus the mistreatment would mess anyones head up with confusing signals.
    no, just no you dont let anyone make your life hard no matter what society thinks or expects of you, there are so many people who have to cut off their family for their own good.

    And Ill tell you this It was only when i was through my roughest time i could start to improve and start to want more for myself, don't agnonise about the future because you cant tell what you will need just think about this week, this month, you need space from your family now, things may change but what is best for now is _________


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for the opinions.

    I know deep down I must cut out the negativety, I guess it's society, religion and culture that makes you hang in there. You'll go the hell and all that malarky....

    Things will never be the same regardless and I know I need to accept that. Thank you for pointing out I need t stop being a child/sibling and realise I'm actually an adult now with my own ideals and like most others, have chosen a new family as I get older.

    I do get a sense of panic for some reason when I think of cutting all ties.

    Will this pass, how long did it take for ye to get to a point where it wasn't the topic of your thoughts at all times, in the morning, during the day, 3am...you get the idea.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭EGAR


    I just felt a sense of relief washing over me, I did not miss any of them or contact with them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭saa


    Intrusive thoughts and guilt took a year to go away, now If I think I should go see my family I kind of laugh and think how there would be nothing good to gain from that so why would I be worrying about not putting myself in harms way.
    Will this pass, how long did it take for ye to get to a point where it wasn't the topic of your thoughts at all times, in the morning, during the day, 3am...you get the idea.
    Everyone is different, took me a year to a year and a half, maybe two because the first birthday/christmas anything like that is the hardest by the second I was like feeck this I'm having fun and focusing on me. Must be said I did have to relax myself when I got engaged was anxious about not having my family there but really I can have a lovely day I was worried about what other people would think and the societal pressure/norms which is ridiculous, I'm not traditional so I shant worry.

    Embrace the panic, nothing is going to hurt you although painful memories are still there you are not in that situation anymore and this is the best way of protecting yourself, you're safe and may be aware of the excitement that can go along with the fear of oh my god my life is going to be different than expected but better!
    It kind of reminds me of a friend growing up being upset over her dad not wanting contact, craving her dad in her life, sad about events he missed, worrying about never having him in her life but in reality if she did contact him and he was around he'd be abusive and that is far far worse.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    saa wrote: »
    Everyone is different, took me a year to a year and a half

    WOW that was fast! I wish that would happen to me.

    To the OP,

    I left home at 16 because my family were abusive to me.

    I got married at 18 and settled into my new life. I will be honest, I thought getting married would change things but I still felt empty. I felt something was missing. Even though my family were a*seholes they were still family and I still loved them no matter how terrible they were to me. I decided to give it one more try against my husband's wishes. Even he knew they were complete pr!cks that were not worthy of my love and attention. So when I did try to reconcile as a mature adult, things did not change all that much. They were no longer physically abusive but were more verbally abusive. I always had this thought families are supposed to be dysfunctional. Yes most families have some dysfunctional element to it but observing how my in-laws and my friends' families interacted with each other made me realise that my family was beyond dysfunctional. My husband was right and they were not worth it. I finally decided to cut them entirely out of my life.

    Seven years later, I still think about them. The only difference is that I think about them a lot less than before. I try to be compassionate and see good even to those that were bad. I cannot rationalise my family's behaviour whatsoever but it somehow makes me wonder that they may have been abused themselves. They probably saw their behaviour as being "normal". I am happy I got out of it especially now as I have a beautiful baby and would not want him to be exposed to that sh!te. All I can do is treat my biological family as a life lesson, never to be like them.

    As far as your question, family is always going to be family. We cannot choose our parents and where we come from. But you have to ask yourself is it worth the heartache and pain?

    As far your family's situation, other than not being close you say they are mentally ill. If they were treated for their illness would it improve the relationship? I have a friend that I met in college whose mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. Her life was a living hell for her. She ended up living with her grandparents because she could no longer take her mother's erratic moods and behaviour. Now her mother's illness is better managed and under control, they have a better relationship. Nothing is rosey but she was happy she gave her another chance. It was her mother's illness that made her react the way she did and she was not well after all.

    I am not telling you to do the same with your family. Only you know what is best for you and only you know what your family is really like. From your original post, it seems that you gave them another chance but children are involved. Are the children safe living with these relatives?

    I really wish the best for you. Take care xx


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi,
    Thanks again.

    My family has had mental health issues ever since I was a child. My mother was constantly on the road with one of them. She became a complete walkover, just trying to please them, to this day she is running around after them, she looks after her grandkids and they want for nothing so I know they are ok.

    I know I am one phone call away from hearing my mother is dead of a heartattack or something, but she has even told me not to worry if that happens as she'll finally be getting a rest.

    I got out as soon as I could, we all had choices, but they nearly blame me for being the only one to finish school and go to collage, not that I did well or have a career.

    There'll be two communions and a confirmation this year and I think it's best I avoid all of them.

    I now realise also that a lot of my behaviour is learned or is stuff I did as a coping mechanism to survive. I am having counselling and seeing a pychiatrist soon to set me straight that I am actually not as mad as I thought and there is no need for me to be on antiDs, which I have used in the past.

    Perhaps now that I have cut the junk from my life I can clean my brain and get on with what makes me happy. I hope it gets easier, that's all.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi,
    Thanks again.

    My family has had mental health issues ever since I was a child. My mother was constantly on the road with one of them. She became a complete walkover, just trying to please them, to this day she is running around after them, she looks after her grandkids and they want for nothing so I know they are ok.

    I know I am one phone call away from hearing my mother is dead of a heartattack or something, but she has even told me not to worry if that happens as she'll finally be getting a rest.

    I am a bit confused. Your mother is taking care of your nieces and nephews because your siblings are not able to? You have a problem with your siblings or your mother or both?

    Everyone is going to have their issues regarding family. The only thing you can do is decipher which relationships are salvageable. From my personal experiences, my parents were a ticking time bomb and my brothers were not any better. My parents abused all of us and my brothers used me as a punching bag. If my brothers were not abusive to me than I probably would have salvaged our relationship. Instead, I had to cut all of them out of my life for my own physical and mental well-being.
    There'll be two communions and a confirmation this year and I think it's best I avoid all of them.

    Do you have a relationship with your nieces and nephews? This is not a reason to attend these gatherings when others that would be present are going to cause problems. It's just how would these kids feel if you are no longer in the picture. Would you forgive yourself if you had to drop them out of your life if you have a relationship with them.
    I got out as soon as I could, we all had choices, but they nearly blame me for being the only one to finish school and go to collage, not that I did well or have a career.

    Considering your home environment, the fact that you finished school is a HUGE accomplishment. Most people in your situation would have dropped out. This speaks volumes. You need to congratulate yourself not be hard on yourself!
    I now realise also that a lot of my behaviour is learned or is stuff I did as a coping mechanism to survive. I am having counselling and seeing a pychiatrist soon to set me straight that I am actually not as mad as I thought and there is no need for me to be on antiDs, which I have used in the past.

    My coping mechanism growing up was disassociating. This is very common with those that suffer trauma and abuse. It took quite sometime and lots of counselling to get over.

    Back to you, I am very happy to hear that you are going to counselling. This will help you with your journey. You can discuss all your fears and goals in life. You can also learn healthier coping mechanisms through your healing journey.
    Perhaps now that I have cut the junk from my life I can clean my brain and get on with what makes me happy. I hope it gets easier, that's all.

    You have every right to be happy. If being happy means that your family is no longer in the picture than so be it. Do not worry about the difficulties because with time it will get easier believe me. I have no regrets over my decision. I learned to take my focus and all my attention from my "old" family and put it towards my "new" family.

    I wish you luck and much deserved happiness xx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,226 ✭✭✭boobar


    hi,
    Thanks again.

    My family has had mental health issues ever since I was a child. My mother was constantly on the road with one of them. She became a complete walkover, just trying to please them, to this day she is running around after them, she looks after her grandkids and they want for nothing so I know they are ok.

    I know I am one phone call away from hearing my mother is dead of a heartattack or something, but she has even told me not to worry if that happens as she'll finally be getting a rest.

    I got out as soon as I could, we all had choices, but they nearly blame me for being the only one to finish school and go to collage, not that I did well or have a career.

    There'll be two communions and a confirmation this year and I think it's best I avoid all of them.

    I now realise also that a lot of my behaviour is learned or is stuff I did as a coping mechanism to survive. I am having counselling and seeing a pychiatrist soon to set me straight that I am actually not as mad as I thought and there is no need for me to be on antiDs, which I have used in the past.

    Perhaps now that I have cut the junk from my life I can clean my brain and get on with what makes me happy. I hope it gets easier, that's all.

    It will get easier but it will be hard at first.

    I have also had to distance myself from certain family members.

    You can't be held to blame for the failings or faults of others.

    Concentrate on doing good things for good people. If family or anyone is constantly dragging you down, and there are others in your life who are having a positive effect on you, you owe it to yourself to avoid the negativity.

    Best of luck to you with your decision.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know no one can tell me what to do and i have to make my own decisions in the end, but how did ye deal with family occasions. Avoid altogether or just show face for the kids sake,ie communion, I was just going to send a card to the kid as I wouldn't want to be responsible for any scenes that might be made because of my attendance. The person i would be mainly avoiding is a drama queen and could use it to cause trouble.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 PK72


    Love must have boundaries, otherwise it's going to end in tears and dysfunction. You have your life and each person is, ultimately, responsible for their life - in its entirety. In this context you can choose to allow others to pull your strings or you can cut these strings and control them yourself. Family, more than any others, know exactly how to pull these strings, when, how, etc. You have realised this.

    You are not responsible for the situation your family members are in - or indeed any other person. You cannot be responsible for the happiness or choices of any other person because you are not that person. Sure, you can provide assistance and advice, but they have to take responsibility for their life - as you do yours.

    So, in my view, what you need to do with your family is to establish new boundaries - your boundaries for your life on your terms. If these do not suit your family members then that's too bad. They will try every trick in the book to derail you by telling you that you're selfish, self centred, greedy and so on - ignore them - you know what they're at.

    I had to do this with my family - it took time and it wasn't easy but they got used of it and got the message. If you're tired and worn out then you won't have a lot to give anyone - you can only give to others what you have within yourself to give. Your love has a value and anything of value is not infinite in supply!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 PK72


    I know no one can tell me what to do and i have to make my own decisions in the end, but how did ye deal with family occasions. Avoid altogether or just show face for the kids sake,ie communion, I was just going to send a card to the kid as I wouldn't want to be responsible for any scenes that might be made because of my attendance. The person i would be mainly avoiding is a drama queen and could use it to cause trouble.
    It's not about avoiding people, it's about making sure they do not exert any control over you. If, in spite of your efforts, they continue to try and control you - which is what they're doing - then you may need to start avoiding contact. When the drama queen starts the drama be aware and tell yourself that you're not going to participate. Think of it as a fire which you are going to deprive of oxygen or a dance in which you are not going to participate.

    Cutting contact with your family should be a last resort - it makes for a difficult life because they are a support system and, quite clearly, you love your family. They can simultaneously be your worst enemy and greatest ally. Like any other relationship and perhaps more than any other relationship, you need to actively manage the one with your family.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for your opinions and advice.

    My mother looks after two of my sisters. One is incapable of independant living and does her best, I speak to her occasionally and for all her issues she has never blamed anyone.

    It's my other sister with kids that blames me for not being there for her and has said i'm a total let down as a sister to her. I don't really have a relationship with my nephews, I mainly babysat and helped her. I live 40 miles away but she seems to think it's ok to expect me to drive an 80mile round trip a few times a week to help her. It's when I stopped calling that things really became strained. I don't work at present so money is an issue and I couldn't afford the petrol.

    I don't have kids, but at the same time I can't spend too many nights away for reasons I won't get into.

    As this one sister has dictated the tone of our family for some time now, my parents just do everything to help her. Helping with money and kids, but she will cut the back off them to me when I used to visit.

    I don't feel strong enough to go to any family gethering, I doubt an invitation will be recieved anyway. Maybe the kids will ask why I'm not there but I can be almost sure they are already poisoned against me.

    Over the last few weeks/months I have changed. But by me pulling away and wanting to put up boundaries it seems I have just upset my sister. She now blames me for her current depression, obviously I know that's not true, she was depressed long before this.

    I seldom see my mother as she is too busy with everyone else and as I don't like calling to my home place, I just meet her in the nearest town and then she just talks about the family and how much she has to do. So it's not easy as I also feel caught in the middle of all the b*tching.

    Thanks again, and I will just take it one day at a time. There's no point in us all ending up hospitalised over itcare


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So, after all is said and done, she made an attempt on her life last night last night, the hospital wouldn't even admit her after getting a&e attention. don't know if you can allow this mods..


    I am bereft, she said i was the reason for her suicidal thoughts and now she has made a cry for help, as opposed to a real suicide attempt, iykwim.

    I got a 2am text from them last night....

    Are they just trying to suck me back in. Her partner doesn't care and is setting her up for taking the kids...do i just ignore it all...what do i do....my mother has said another nail has gone in her(my mothers) coffin.

    So confused..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I suggest reading PK72's post over and over again as the advice is spot on. Have you seen your counsellor yet? You need to work on asserting yourself and establishing boundaries. Please there is one thing, you are not responsible for your sister's actions. It is her choice to act the way that she does so do not blame yourself. If she ever calls threatening anything call the guards.


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