Friend Advice

NoobSaibot5

First I just want to let you folks know that I hope to not give too much information because I've horrible bad luck, and knowing me I'd post the details and it would get back to said person. So please excuse how vague this all sounds.

I've known this friend of mine for the last 6 years. The two of us are chalk and cheese in terms of interests, but we bounce off each other and when we get along, and when we're on good terms things are great. But I'm reaching the end of my tether here, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a full time student and I also work a part time job. When I go on nights out, I generally tend to get attention off other guys and I like to dress well and look after myself. For years I had confidence issues so to be in any way shape or form comfortable in my own skin and happy with my life is a huge achievement in my own eyes. My friend is incredibly laid back with his life and his appearance, he's a bit of a flake when it comes to making decisions and currently he's not working and has also recently ended a relationship with a guy. If you were to look at the two of us on a night out, you'd never guess we were best friends with how opposite we are, but up until recently we have been.

Back when he had a relationship, I used to get very subliminal put downs. "You should try date uglier men and see how your love life works out" was one of the more common ones, but on a routine basis he'd be incredibly sarky and brought me down constantly. On any occasion where I depended on him, he'd let me down or chose his boyfriend over me, and at times when he needed me I didn't have the heart to not be there for him. I knew he was insecure about a lot of things in his life, and all I wanted to do was just try be supportive. But after a while it all got too draining. We had a huge arguement one night when he made a very unfair accusation about me and stared roaring at me infront of a room of people and I decided enough was enough and stopped talking to him for a few months.

When he got back in touch, I went against my better judgement and thought I'd at least hear him out in what he had to say. It resulted in him blaming everything on me (something he always does when we argue), but I told him some home truths and had the balls to say what was on my mind about it. He seen my point of view, and we sorted things out after admitting he wasn't happy in his relationship, but I wanted to keep him at a distance due to the whole experience. He continued to keep making efforts to get in touch with me, as his relationship had in that time ended, and I decided to try keep civil and meet him for the odd drink rather than be as close as we were.

Now, it's not even a few months since we've patched things up, and I'm already starting to see that bitter streak come back out again. Recently (in front of the same group of people as last time) he made another incredibly hurtful remark about me (apparently I can't let him be happy because in his own words I'm attractive and insist on having the spotlight on me) and we butt heads again. We agreed to talk about it in the morning but by the time I got home he'd sent a text message about me to my phone accidentally, where he slated me out of it to other people. When I confronted him about it, he had the nerve to demand I apologise for making him feel "small", and stupidly just to keep the peace I actually ****ing did it. By the time I got off the phone he had me convinced that whole situation was my fault, when in hindsight I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. It's common for him to do this, to point the finger at everybody but himself, and I'm fed up with it.

I took what he said as a really personal attack, if anything my friends know me for being the guy who does his best to see that they're happy and who tries to hook them up on nights out. I'm always trying to put a smile on people's face and I'm incredibly modest and usually quite self-depreciating about my appearance and the fact guys chat me up. I felt he really attacked my character, he should know me better than that. I'm just at the point now where I see more problems keeping him around than I see merits keeping him. The only problem is that we have a lot of mutual friends who I'd hang around with and I really dont want things to get awkward. We have a fairly big event coming along soon so I dont want to rock the boat by having another bust up with him so soon to it, and im just as worried that when it comes along he'll flip a lid infront of the rest of them and make another attack at me again.

What do I do? I know friends argue, and it's healthy to do so, but I'm finding it's at the point im actively trying to avoid him. It keeps more peace just keeping him at a distance, but I'm not sure what to be doing here. It just feels like a lose lose situation.

Taltos

OP - being blunt - this guy is NOT your friend.

He is acting like a spoilt, jealous freak and you appear to be enabling or at least partially condoning his behaviour.

Look - he is not going to suddenly stop this or get better - for whatever reason his dynamic with you is to feed off your energy and at the same time make you feel like crap.

No-one deserves a friend like that - an enemy maybe, but not a friend.
Me - I would call him up - tell him you two are done and why and request him never to contact you again. I mean seriously - look at what you wrote - where are you getting anything positive from associating with this eijit?

thefeatheredcat

People who put you down, in private or even openly by attempting to humiliate you in public around friends and family are really not worth having in your life.

You're acknowledging his behaviour and I think you do realise it is a reflection of his own self and his own unhappiness and not a reflection upon you. You can already forsee problems down the road. He's not your friend. He only got back into contact with you after his relationship ended, I suspect, not for your friendship and the good person you are, but to trod on you and your "perfect" life (as he would see it in comparison to his own) to make himself better and assert control over you.

It is still possible to have him out from your life and yet still enjoy the mutual friends between you. I think given his behaviour and him slating you behind your back (which some people may be privately appauled at) you're not going to lose support or friends over it because they've seen his behaviour and will realise you did nothing to bring it on except be yourself, which isn't your issue to deal with, it's his.

For your own long term happiness you'd be better off to end the friendship rather than worry about each and every time there's a social event about what may or may not happen. Nothing can happen if you don't entertain him and the easiest way not to do so is simply walk away and not give him the satisfaction of causing a fight and any attempts to do so will make him look terrible in front of others so he would not be able to twist it around and say you're at fault.

You've done nothing wrong OP and you owe this friend nothing. Ending the friendship might just be the kick in life he needs to address his issues he has with himself, rather than taking it out on you and blaming you and others for his own short comings.

NoobSaibot5

Thanks for the replies guys.

I've already considered what would happen if I did call him up and tell him that I didn't want to keep being friends. I've thought about what would happen if that conversation ever did come along, and to be honest I'm just a bit afraid of the consequences. He's great at playing the victim card whenever someone confronts him about anything and I know first hand what he's capable of. The last time we fell out he told that many different sob stories to different people that it made a lot of my friends awkward because they were told embelished, over exagerated versions of what happened to suit himself. I suppose im just afraid that if I am blunt and honest with him he'll just continue to twist the thorn in my side by trying to isolate me from other people, it's something he's done before to myself and to other people and with it coming so close to this big event I just don't want my decision to walk away to backfire.

thefeatheredcat

If there's a risk that if you confront him directly he is going to distort the truth and create a drama for him to enjoy and drag other people into being uncomfortable or taking sides and indeed it is unfair he has previously dragged others into his drama (negative attention seeking), then non-confrontational means to put distance between you both might be a better option. In a way, maybe confronting him fuels a fire to twist things around for him to always come out on top and thus be rewarded by attention and feeling validated?

I don't know if it would work, but you can still keep things civil and polite without having to personally engage him; not avoid or ignore him to the point he feels openly and obviously snubbed but enough for you to have it set in your mind that you are not going to be drawn in to a fight or drama every time he feels inadequate.

If he's alienated people before and tried to stir up trouble for every person that crosses his path, then more people are going to be in the know about his behaviour and be aware of it and most likely probably feel the same but realise it's easier to tolerate such nastiness from and in a person without the fear it's been targeted directly at them. It's really a situation of avoiding talking about the elephant in the room yet tolerating it sitting there.

He may not have a very happy life right now and you can be as compassionate and understanding as possible, even supportive towards him and excuse his behaviour as a result, but his actions towards you speak more about the person he is and people will eventually see it, especially when someone else gives him the opportunity to take his issues out on others.

I would think back to the time when he wasn't part of your life while you were fallen out and ask yourself how you felt and if you were happier then. You might find the answer of weighing it all up whether it's worth it or not to fall out with him again, even if it costs friendships or creates awkwardness in the run up to the event, if it means you are happier and emotionally healthier without him.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you think you are the only one of your group of mutual friends who has seen this side to him?! Why are you so afraid that your mutual friends will take his side over yours, and believe him over you?

You say they have seen him blow up at you in the past.. so unless you were an absolute dick who deserved everything he said to you - why would your friends think he was in anyway right??

There are "drama queens" in every group. And most of the group are wise to them, and while they may just "go along" with them for the sake of a peacful life, it doesn't mean that they all dont know exactly what the person is like.

So while your friends might seem to you to be taking his side - they are just staying out of it, and not getting involved.

Stay away from him - he is offering nothing positive to your life, and anything positive he does add is always tainted by you holding your breath waiting for the next eruption from him.

Not worth it.

Roisy7

God OP you could be writing that about a situation I was once in! I was friends with a guy who was very similar, put-downs, constant negativity, very sneaky stuff that but because I was too close to the situation I couldn't see it. Now I'm out of it I can't believe I put up with any of that crap!

It came to a head when the friend became friends with a new group and went about purposely excluding me. Felt rotten at the time but it was one of the best things that happened to me. I would never go back to being friends with that person- I couldn't allow that negativity into my life again.

I would advocate cutting contact. If you have mutual friends fob them off with "Oh I haven't seen X in ages". If he bitches, never react. If he passes remarks like the ones he has in the past in front of people, call him out on it, say seriously, "That's not true and you know it." Like all bitches he thrives on negativity so never give it to him. Like all drama queens he thrives on drama so never give it to him. Take the "high road" and never let him see that what he says bothers you- it's what he wants.

No matter what my ex friend tried to do, I took care never to bitch or react. I didn't always succeed, but I did enough to make sure his oxygen supply of drama was being cut off.

OP, stay strong, and don't allow this negative person back into your life. He's not a friend, and you deserve better. It's hard but every time you miss your friend, remember what he's said and done, and remind yourself that the same person is capable of behaving badly to you. Good luck OP