Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Just need closure

Options
  • 17-02-2012 7:37pm
    #1
    Rashers89
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭


    I would really appreciate an ousiders view on this, me and my boyfriend broke up recently but I want to know was i wrong/ been unfair to him to ask him to stop been in contact with his ex(who lives in England).
    The reasons why I started feeling uncomfortable with hes relationship with his ex.
    -Firstly he only starter getting in contact with her in the middle of our relationship (before that they hadnt talked since they broke up)
    -When he was going for a match in England he arrange to meet up with her , he told me this and said she seemed to have an overnight bag with her too. (which made me feel very uneasy)
    -When our relationship was going through a rough patch we had arrange a night to sort everything out a write a list of pro and cons why we should stay together, but he cancelled and the next day he told me he meet up with her instead cause he got a text that she was home for the night and would be going back to England the next day.
    -They communicated quiet alot over via email and facebook (at least twice a week)
    -Throughout the whole relationship he never stopped contacting her even though he could see how upset it made me.
    I trust him a 100% and he has told me nothing has happened between them and i believe him, the thing is i dont trust her, and i find it hard to understand why hes relationship with her is worth the end of ours :(
    Anyways i blew up at him one day because was trying to tag him on a picture on facebook, but i wasnt allowed to, i ended up looking on her page and saw she had him tagged on a condom advert, i found this very strange and went crazy bitch on facebook chat to him while he was at work. (i know i over reacted)
    We then ended it, cause he didnt want to have to give up his friends for me and that he could talk to her about stuff that he isnt able to talk to anyone else. (which was hard to hear cause i thought thats what you gf is for)
    I still havent yet told my friends what happened between me and my ex, but i felt like i was second best , i really loved this guy and i know i acted like a jealous bitch for half of our relationship,
    But i just want to know do you think i over reacted about him been friends with his ex??
    All advice is welcome good or bad
    Just need to know if i was if i was wrong to feel the way i did.
    Thanks
    Tagged:


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    You wern't wrong to feel the way you did. Blowing up at him over something on facebook was an overreaction but it sounds like it was bubbling away for a while so its understandable something small would set you off.

    It sounds like the relationship was better coming to an end as he was emotionally closer to another woman and unwilling to put your feelings ahead of his ex.


  • Options
    #3
    Rashers89
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Rashers89


    Idle Passerby wrote: »

    It sounds like the relationship was better coming to an end as he was emotionally closer to another woman and unwilling to put your feelings ahead of his ex.

    Thanks I wasnt sure if i was expecting too much off him, and i did feel second place to his ex even though he did alot for me and i know he cared about me, i did feel my feelings didnt matter.

    But the facebook thing wasnt the first time i blew up at him for his relationship with her.


  • Options
    #4
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    I am in a bit of a similar position myself. Even though they have always been in contact and I have met her once. I trust that he has the best intentions and will not cheat on me. I just do not trust her. Luckily she lives on the other side of the country so there will be no meeting up but the chatting hurts me.

    Anyway. I think in your case your gut instinct is right. Do not be ashamed to tell your friends. Obviously it might have been a bit much blowing up but we are all guilty of over reacting.

    Hopefully he will realise what he is missing and compromise with you. And if he doesn't then he wasn't worth your love.


  • Options
    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I just wanted to say that saying that you trust your OH, but not the ex/person who fancies your ex is a load of b0ll0x.

    If you trust your OH 100% then what does it matter who you fancies him.

    My man works nights, so I often party without him, get chatted up all the time, even have an ex who has gotten in touch about 9mths into this relationship me by email/text to say he still loves me etc - I tell my bf everything, but he is totally secure in the relationship atend so none of this bothers him. Point is, you only need to trust your other half, how other people feel is totally irrelevant.

    To the OP: You asked if you were wrong, no, I don't think so. If your bf is putting another girl (ex) before you, and if he is telling her things that he can't tell you, then really, I don't think that you are the one for him, and conversely, he is not the one for you.


  • Options
    #6
    Rashers89
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Rashers89


    b0ll0x wrote: »
    .

    If you trust your OH 100% then what does it matter who you fancies him.

    My man works nights, so I often party without him, get chatted up all the time, even have an ex who has gotten in touch about 9mths into this relationship me by email/text to say he still loves me etc - I tell my bf everything, but he is totally secure in the relationship atend so none of this bothers him. Point is, you only need to trust your other half, how other people feel is totally irrelevant.

    To the OP: You asked if you were wrong, no, I don't think so. If your bf is putting another girl (ex) before you, and if he is telling her things that he can't tell you, then really, I don't think that you are the one for him, and conversely, he is not the one for you.

    Well if one of my exs contacted me and told me they still had feelings for me, i dont think id stay in contact with them because they are apart of my past and not my future. and i dont think there can be a true friendship there if they admitted they still have feelings for you. But i do understand different strokes for different folks.. but to me theres a reasons someones my ex, i am not in bad terms with any of my exs if i saw them on the street id say hi and have a quick chat but i wouldnt be making the effort to stay in contact them or arranging to meet up.

    And i did trust my ex but it hurts me that she was so important to him, even though we were dating longer than they have been back in contact, also that he feels he has to go to her to talk about stuff thats important to him. I know if anything happened he would tell me and if he ever did start getting feeling for her he would tell me but because he seemed to be able to talk to her about stuff easier than me i was scared.. that he could possible get feelings for her along the line. So thats why i gave him the choice to choose between me and her, and i know that was not fait to do to him.

    But thanks your right if he felt he couldnt confide in me we werent meant for each other. I still love him so its hard.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Rashers89
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Rashers89


    ihsb wrote: »
    I am in a bit of a similar position myself.QUOTE]

    Its a horrible feeling isnt it?? you know you can trust them but you just get this feeling in gut


  • Options
    #8
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    When a relationship is right you feel one hundred percent secure in it. Once you have doubts at all then there is something missing. This man should be making you feel secure and if he is not then there is something wrong. You are not imagining anything. You have cause to feel insecure, he is not making you no. 1.


  • Options
    #9
    Killed By Death
    Registered Users Posts: 143 ✭✭Killed By Death


    Rashers89 wrote: »
    -When he was going for a match in England he arrange to meet up with her , he told me this and said she seemed to have an overnight bag with her too. (which made me feel very uneasy)
    -When our relationship was going through a rough patch we had arrange a night to sort everything out a write a list of pro and cons why we should stay together, but he cancelled and the next day he told me he meet up with her instead cause he got a text that she was home for the night and would be going back to England the next day.

    See, right there is where you should have dumped his sorry ass. No way would I tolerate being cancelled for an ex. It tells you everything you need to know about his priorities.
    Rashers89 wrote: »
    he has told me nothing has happened between them and i believe him

    You must be mad. Trust what you can see with your eyes and hear with your ears, he headed off on 'a football trip' with an overnight bag to an ex who he chats to every day. Yeh, right, my arse would I allow that.

    You did the right thing. He was doing the dirt on you at least!


  • Options
    #10
    dory
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭dory


    b0ll0x wrote: »
    I just wanted to say that saying that you trust your OH, but not the ex/person who fancies your ex is a load of b0ll0x.

    If you trust your OH 100% then what does it matter who you fancies him.

    My man works nights, so I often party without him, get chatted up all the time, even have an ex who has gotten in touch about 9mths into this relationship me by email/text to say he still loves me etc - I tell my bf everything, but he is totally secure in the relationship atend so none of this bothers him. Point is, you only need to trust your other half, how other people feel is totally irrelevant.

    To the OP: You asked if you were wrong, no, I don't think so. If your bf is putting another girl (ex) before you, and if he is telling her things that he can't tell you, then really, I don't think that you are the one for him, and conversely, he is not the one for you.

    I agree 100% with this. If you trust your OH then trusting the other person should be a non-issue. With regards your original question. No, you were not out of line. I would have freaked if a gf had that much contact with an ex.


  • Options
    #11
    Sineead
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭Sineead


    its hard to trust someone if they do things that hurt you. as he wasn't willing to change, you're better off with out him.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    Rashers89 wrote: »
    ihsb wrote: »
    I am in a bit of a similar position myself.QUOTE]

    Its a horrible feeling isnt it?? you know you can trust them but you just get this feeling in gut

    It is the worst. And even worse when you are made feel like you are the one with issues, because you are too "jealous". Problem is my bf has decided that he cannot live without the ex. He says they are only friends but when I met her I just got bad vibes from her. Not like she wanted him anymore, just that she wanted him to want her. But alas. It gets tricky when the other person doesn't pick up on vibes.

    Honestly though. If he went to the other side of the country to catch up with her it would be over. And this sounds like what your fella did. I would not stand for it.


Advertisement