is this fair?

Not sure if this is a PI or RI, feel free to move it if needs be.

My and my boyfriend used to share a house, then I moved out because I was commuting too far every day. I have decided I like where I live now far too much to move back, but that's ok, we spend a lot of time together anyway.

My boyfriend earns a lot more than me and is always willing to bail me out when I need money, will drive me places when I need a lift and buys me gifts. That's lovely and I'm always grateful for it.

However, the house we shared, whenever I come to visit, he never, ever cleans up after himself. He expects that I will do it when I'm here. The cats' litter tray is just disgusting, every single plate, cup, glass and cuttlery will be piled up (or lying around the house), very often going mouldy, and the kitchen sink is full of mold. The toilets and the bathrooms are grimy. (He does think the bath gets clean whenever he has a bath...) So if I do come to stay for a weekend, generally I scrub the place top to bottom, then know that in another two-three weeks, I'll have to do it all over again. He "helps", by moving things around a bit and standing and watching.

I feel so ungrateful after everything he does for me, he would hop in the car and drive down to me any time I asked, if I needed something, but when I come to his house all I do is get moody and complain about all the cleaning I have to do.

I just don't know whether fair is fair, he does so much for me, I should be willing to do this for him, or what. Besides, the mess is MY problem, he couldn't care less about living in a biohazard. So since it doesn't bother him, he sees no need to fix it, but because it bothers me, it's my job to do it? I dunno!

ETA: The cat is taken very good care of, the litter tray is only there in case the cat gets shut in by accident, he rarely uses it cause he meows to go out. There's just litter all over the floor around it! (Just in case anyone worried for the cat).

MitchKoobski

Sounds abrupt, but why not just not go near the house until he cleans it? Why can't he come to you?

On the other hand, maybe in some way he sees cleaning the place as the equivelant for lending you money and giving you lifts everywhere.

MitchKoobski

MitchKoobski wrote: »

Sounds abrupt, but why not just not go near the house until he cleans it? Why can't he come to you?

I tried this, it didn't work In some ways I think it's kind of amusing, I think it's oblivious to the mess. But it's also really irritating! He does spend a lot of weekends with me, because it's close to the city centre and handier.

On the other hand, maybe in some way he sees cleaning the place as the equivelant for lending you money and giving you lifts everywhere.

Yeah, that's what I'm battling myself over, is it fair to do his housework in return for the many favours he does for me? Sometimes I feel that it is, other times I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of. I am curious how others would perceive it!

Thanks

username123

What do you mean it didnt work?

Its fairly simple the way I see it. You dont like having to clean his house - so dont clean it. If looking at the mess bugs you, dont go there.

You must have known this about him before though? I mean, before you ever lived with him did he live in dirt? Or when you were living with him did you do all the cleaning?

Personally I just wouldnt do another able bodied adults cleaning, Id see it like I was wiping their bum - totally inappropriate and unnecessary, they should be doing it themselves.

username123

username123 wrote: »

What do you mean it didnt work?

Its fairly simple the way I see it. You dont like having to clean his house - so dont clean it. If looking at the mess bugs you, dont go there.

You must have known this about him before though? I mean, before you ever lived with him did he live in dirt? Or when you were living with him did you do all the cleaning?

Personally I just wouldnt do another able bodied adults cleaning, Id see it like I was wiping their bum - totally inappropriate and unnecessary, they should be doing it themselves.

I do like spending time with him at his house, I'm just not sure if I should expect to have to clean the bathroom if I want to use it, and the kitchen if I want to cook. I guess you're right, it's his house and if he doesn't mind the mess then the mess is my problem and if I want it clean, then it's up to me to do it.

I did know he was messy before I moved in with him, to be fair we both are messy people, I just didn't let the dirt build up when I was living here. I did most of the cleaning because I was home more than he was, but we had a better routine then.

Good to have another opinion on this, thanks

Chinafoot

I would be absolutely disgusted if my boyfriend treated me like that. You are not his mother and you are not his maid. You don't live in that house so how in the name of f*ckery can he expect you to clean up after him? And more importantly, why haven't you don't him to get up off his arse and sort the place out himself?

The fact that he will happily give you lifts, lend you money when needed and buy you gifts does not mean you should be expected to be his housekeeper on the weekend.

Is he giving you a set amount of money every week/month, and if so, was there an agreement made that in return for that money you would do the hosuework in his place? If the answer is no then he is taking the absolute piss. If he doesn't want to lend you money or give you lifts or buy you presents then he shouldn't. If he is only doing it in order to get something in return from you then he is being incredibly disrespectful to your relationship.

If it were me I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to tidy up after himself. If he is happy to live in shít then you should refuse to go to his place until he cleans it, and stick to it! You don't have to accept him living in filth and you most certainly don't have to be his cleaner.

I guess I wasn't too fair on him when I wrote the OP, he doesn't expect me to clean the house, he expects that I wont bother either. I'll said to him "the bath is grimy" and he'll just say "no it isn't?" cause he doesn't notice the mess. The mess is my issue. I guess the solution is, as you guys have said, that if I don't like it, just stay away from his house. Also, he doesn't lend me money, he just gives it to me, he is very generous and I don't often ask him for much. To be fair, where I live, the bathroom and kitchen are clean because I share with other people so I'm considerate to them and keep the place clean (we all do) but when he comes to stay over, my bedroom is a catastrophe, always has been, an organised chaos that looks like a bombsite. I don't care about living in a big mess myself, but not dirt. Mess is fine, dirt is not so good. I know he feels bad when I start to clean his place, but really, is it too much to ask that before I get here the dishes are done and the bath cleaned out? That's really all I would like to see him to, because tidying up isn't something either of us is very good at!

It's good to have other people's opinions on this, thanks to everyone for replying.

jimmycrackcorm

the mess is MY problem, he couldn't care less about living in a biohazard. So since it doesn't bother him, he sees no need to fix it, but because it bothers me, it's my job to do it?

This. He doesn't expect you to do it. How would you feel if he posted here complaining that his girlfriend always expects him to drive her about because she's happy not to get her own car?

Chinafoot

Fair enough OP if it's not expected of you. However, I still think he is being disrespectful to you. He knows you don't like how dirty the place is and, like you say, you feel that you need to clean the bathroom/kitchen in order to use them. The fact that he doesn't make any effort to clean up despite knowing how you feel about it isn't fair on you. If he wants you to spend time in his place he should at least make it comfortable for both of you.

The Lovely Muffin

Honestly OP, you should not be cleaning the house, your boyfriend creates the mess, he should be the one to clean it.

I don't live my boyfriend, but do go to his house at weekends, sometimes it's messy and sometimes it isn't, only a few times (less than a handful) have I ever had to wash dishes so we can use them.

When my boyfriend knows I am coming over, he cleans the place, it's not sparkling, but it is clean, which is the main thing.

My boyfriend also wouldn't expect me to clean up after him, and he knows I won't do it either. If he asked me for some help, of course I'd help him out, but I certainly wouldn't be spending all weekend cleaning up after him.

If his house is messy, I leave it, it's not my place to go cleaning and tidying.

Just because he gives you gifts, money and lifts etc, is not a reason for you to have to clean his house.

I think you should speak to your boyfriend about this as it bothers you so much and see what he says, but if he won't change his ways, then you'll have to decide whether or not you want to continue cleaning up after him.

jimmycrackcorm

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

This. He doesn't expect you to do it. How would you feel if he posted here complaining that his girlfriend always expects him to drive her about because she's happy not to get her own car?

Can't drive for other reasons
But he's got a lot to whinge about with me too, I'm not perfect either!

woodchuck

I get that people have different expectations when it comes to how often to hoover, dust, tidy up etc. But things like washing dishes and having a clean bath/shower are a must! You can't cook if there are no clean pots etc and you can't feel like you've washed yourself properly if the bathroom isn't clean.

Could you compromise with him... instead of him standing there watching you clean, hand him a sponge and tell him to go scrub the bathroom while you take care of the kitchen (or visa versa).

username123

Deleted User wrote: »

I guess you're right, it's his house and if he doesn't mind the mess then the mess is my problem and if I want it clean, then it's up to me to do it.

Just to be clear - I didnt say the bit in bold. I personally dont think you should clean it at all.

I think its pretty disrespectful to invite someone to a dirty house. Particularly if they are expected to use the facilities of the house, like the bathroom and the kitchen. Its childish, disrespectful and anti social.
Would he invite his mother to stay and expect her to sleep in a dirty bed and use a dirty bathroom and sit in a biohazard sitting room? I doubt it. So why is it ok for you?

I am aware and understand that people have different ideas as to whats clean and whats not, but what you described in your OP is a pretty disgusting way for an adult to live.

Oryx

Deleted User wrote: »

But he's got a lot to whinge about with me too, I'm not perfect either!

It always bugs me just a little when people complain about their other half, and then say this. If we were all perfect, PI would be redundant. Noone is perfect, thats the point. But you say it here like you shouldnt complain about something that is a big issue for you, because you have 'stuff' too. You are perfectly entitled to find this a problem, you dont need to balance it out. If your boyfriend has a problem with things you do, then thats something he needs to bring up with you!

If your boyfriend gives you help, then accept it as a gift freely given, not a system of barter. I'm not saying you ought to take him for granted, I'm sure you don't, but do not feel as if you have to automatically do things for him in return to even the score. That kind of give and take should happen without thinking, you should not feel obliged or beholden to him.

Your fellas house is not your responsibility to clean. If it is like a pigsty, then that is his choice. If he sees no reason to change how he lives, he wont. You do need to tell him its a problem for you though, and that you will not come to see him and spend the time cleaning, as you come to be with him and it is unfair. Even if you didnt mind doing it, it is a bit crass of him to leave it all to you.

The last point that strikes me, is that this guy doesnt care about living in a clean space. You do. Its a big difference in attitude. He also has no problem in having someone else clear up his mess. You do. This you need to sort out with him, because if you both have a long term future, it will be a cause of much argument if he leaves all the housework to you simply because it doesnt matter to him. Deal with it now, find some middle ground you can both be happy with.

teacherspet

Just tell him to hire a cleaner for one morning a week. 40 quid jobs done.

Oryx

Oryx wrote: »

It always bugs me just a little when people complain about their other half, and then say this.

I think you needed to see that in context, this person was saying to me that he could also whinge about me, and I agreed, yes he could! I didn't mean that I should accept this because I'm not perfect. Neither of us are, but that doesn't mean this is ok!

Thanks to everyone for the replies... I see that many people are agreeing with me, that no, this isn't ideal and it's not fair. I thought this myself, but it is nice to have other people agree and helps me know I'm not just an ungrateful unwilling partner, I'm actually probably right that really, I shouldn't have to clean up his mess.

I did the bath, because I wanted to use it, and did both toilets, but I didn't do the dishes. I just ate microwave crap out of the tubs it came in. He can't hold out much longer, he's going to have to do the dishes. It's my birthday next weekend so I wont be at his place anyway, he'll be at mine.

It's nice to have other people's views on this because I wasn't sure as to whether I should be helping him out, since he helps me out so much, or whether I'm being taken advantage of. I see it now that it's a little bit of both. I'll continue to help him out with his cleaning, but I'm not going to do it all anymore.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply

teacherspet

teacherspet wrote: »

Just tell him to hire a cleaner for one morning a week. 40 quid jobs done.

I'd be embarrassed to let a cleaner into his house when he works from home anyway! But I have thought about it, might be something I suggest to him. Still, people should do their own dishes! Cleaner would probably get mauled by the wild tomcat and anyway, not like they can do the dishes when they're all piled up on the floor in his "office".... God yeah my fella is a mucky creature!

Think he had a wake up this weekend when I did the bath and toilets, and he kept saying "When are we going to do the dishes?" and I kept saying "Dunno, busy!"

He will have to do them this week, unless he plans to eat with his fingers off the countertop (he might...)

I do love him anyway!

woodchuck

Deleted User wrote: »

Think he had a wake up this weekend when I did the bath and toilets, and he kept saying "When are we going to do the dishes?" and I kept saying "Dunno, busy!"

Well at least you didn't do them this time :P I don't understand his attitude of 'when are WE going to do the dishes'... it's not a two person job If it was me the next time I'd tell him to do the dishes himself as you're busy scrubbing his toilet!

He'll have to clean them eventually when he realises he has nothing to eat off...

Midnight Sundance

If he's left the toilet etc etc in the state you describe... What are his bed sheets / clothes and towels like??
You have to sleep in the bed and use the towels, are they clean? Whatever about "putting up " with the rest I would put my foot down over these if they aren't cleaned regularly....

Chucky the tree

Deleted User wrote: »

Think he had a wake up this weekend when I did the bath and toilets, and he kept saying "When are we going to do the dishes?" and I kept saying "Dunno, busy!"

Why not just come out and tell him you won't be cleaning up after him anymore? I wouldn't suggest a cleaner either, he'll never learn then. If the relationship is serious after awhile you'll be living together and then marraige and possibly kids, if he can clean up after himself now what will he be like with a child? I couldn't put up living with someone who did nothing at all around the house.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I didn't read the entire thread so apologies if this advise is no longer relivant. If it were me in the situation I would clean the house every 2/3 weeks. In my house my boyfriend does all the cooking, i do all the laundry and the majority of the housework. On the other hand my bf will always be the one to go to the shops if we need something or if something needs to be fixed he'll do it. If I'm vacuuming he'll move things out of the way etc or if I need heavy things moved he'll do it. Be very wary of taking other people's advise with regards to division of chores in a relationship, only you and your bf know what you do in the relationship.

It really does sound like your BF treats you very well and you get alot of support from him, what's a little cleaning to say thanks? That may be just me though as I quite enjoy having a good clean. I honestly don't think cleaning up is selling yourself short if that's what you've been thinking.

Best of luck.

tinkerbell

OP, are you for real? You don't live together and you clean your boyfriend's house, then come on here moaning about it? Stop cleaning his house! As someone else said, you are not his mother and not his maid. If you find his house too disgusting to be in, tell him to come over to yours instead or ask him that he does a clean up before you come over.

This problem is caused by you, so either you stop cleaning up after him and get on with things, or keep on cleaning and be unhappy about it. And to be honest, why would your boyfriend bother cleaning himself when he knows you'll just do it for him? If you don't clean, it'll get to a stage where he HAS to clean up himself and so he'll do it.