Waste of time?

LegacyUser

Hi there

I went for a date with girl I met off an online dating site yesterday, just for drinks (as you do)
but it was the weirdest evening, and wanted to get other people's opinions on it.

The first contact and messaging online went fine, she seemed nice, but kind of hard to make conversation with. I texted her to ask if she

She arrived on time and we greeted each other (no handshake or hug or whatever) which kind of took me off guard. Anyway we got drinks and found a spot and were talking away, but literally everything about her body language suggested she didn't want to be there or was super nervous. She sort of struggled to make eye contact and sat with her arms folded for a lot of it, and I found I had to keep the conversation moving, trying to get to know her better. She didn't really ask about me or what I do or family or the usual stuff.

The experience was kind of exhausting to be honest, but anyway the whole thing was over by 9.30, because she had a big thing on in work today. I texted her last night when I got home to thank her for a nice evening and I hoped she got home safe and that, but got no reply, which I think is poor form regardless of how a date went, it's basic courtesy in my book.

What I'm wondering is, if she wasn't interested (which she made loud and clear by her behaviour in my opinion) why bother coming in at all? I actually came thinking "Christ, that was painful?" Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Ickle Magoo

Given you your own thread OP - rather than have you use someone else's thread to ask for advice. :cool:

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear that but yes she is clearly not interested in you. Again, I was in the situation that I met a guy who I was not attracted to but still I asked about himself and his family, just normal conversation to the person you just met regardless of if he is attractive or not and send a thank you message later when I got home and you don't have to see a guy again if you don't want to but its a polite way and show you have some respect to yourself and others. In your case, it doesn't sound she is playing hard to get, she is just not into you and its all about social skills also. You seem normal and just forget about it and there is plenty of nice girls out there. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Beautiful_mind wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that but yes she is clearly not interested in you. Again, I was in the situation that I met a guy who I was not attracted to but still I asked about himself and his family, just normal conversation to the person you just met regardless of if he is attractive or not and send a thank you message later when I got home and you don't have to see a guy again if you don't want to but its a polite way and show you have some respect to yourself and others. In your case, it doesn't sound she is playing hard to get, she is just not into you and its all about social skills also. You seem normal and just forget about it and there is plenty of nice girls out there. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. If she is not into me, that's fine, everybody is different, but for God sake don't go on a date with me then! What I found a bit upsetting was that she knew quite a lot about me beforehand, she knew what I looked like, she obviously wasn't into me beforehand and probably made up her mind about me in advance, but she went on a date anyway! What gives?? I could've saved myself the embarrassment and awkwardness of being in a pub with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with me. I've tried to convince myself it hasn't affected me but it's been hanging over me all day and had me in a bad mood. It's the first date I've gone on in over a year, and I was wondering to myself why I put it off for so long - now I remember!

LegacyUser

DontGetIt wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. If she is not into me, that's fine, everybody is different, but for God sake don't go on a date with me then! What I found a bit upsetting was that she knew quite a lot about me beforehand, she knew what I looked like, she obviously wasn't into me beforehand and probably made up her mind about me in advance, but she went on a date anyway! What gives?? I could've saved myself the embarrassment and awkwardness of being in a pub with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with me. I've tried to convince myself it hasn't affected me but it's been hanging over me all day and had me in a bad mood. It's the first date I've gone on in over a year, and I was wondering to myself why I put it off for so long - now I remember!

A friend of mine went for a first date, within 5 mins of sitting down in the pub, the lady was so emotional and cried in front of him, he was shocked and asked her why and she said " I've just realized I'm still in love with my ex"...thats not a joke. Now he met someone nice online and just laugh about that crazy date. There are people who are emotional unavailable still go on dates, people with their own problems and issues...its not about you so If I was you I wouldn't let it bother me or let it put me off dating online, just think of it as a bad date experience and on the other hand you should be glad you don't spend any more time online with this lady but others. She gave herself a chance to meet you in person to make sure that she didn't miss anything or she was bored and decided to go out, for whatever reasons, we are adults so sure we can take a bit of disappointment.

LovelyLottie

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it's most likely that she just wasn't attracted to you when she met you face-to-face. You really can't tell from a photo if you'll be attracted to a person or if you'll have chemistry with that person. It may not have been your physical appearance, perhaps she just didn't feel that 'spark' or chemistry.

It's not her fault that she didn't feel it (you really can't say she shouldn't have met you because you can't tell from a photo if you'll fancy someone), but I totally agree that it's poor form that she didn't try to enjoy the few hours she spent with you and at least be polite and chatty. She may go on lots of online dates and is finding it disheartening that she can't meet someone she connects with, and just couldn't hide that - i know i've felt that sometimes. I did try to put on a brave face though...

Don't let it put you off online dating altogether. I have lots of experience online dating (unfortunately!) and for what it's worth this is what i've learned:

- meet up as soon as possible with the person. Exchange a few emails of course but if you think you'd be interested in meeting the person, bring it into the real world as soon as you can;

- don't get into texting loads beforehand, you'll start thinking you know the person when in reality they're a total stranger! I only text the person to arrange the date and try not to get into lots of texting until we've met;

- don't divulge lots of personal info about yourself before meeting (and for at least a few dates), you don't know the person and again don't start fooling yourself that you have a connection till you meet;

- put several photos up so the person has a good idea of what you look like, one photo really isn't enough. I put up a few photos so the other person gets more of an impression of what i look like. I did this after i'd had a few dates where the guy wasn't into me - i know how tough it is, so to try and minimise this i put up several photos so they could get a better impression of what i look like;

- if someone doesn't like you, try not to let it get you down, try not to take it too personally (hard i know) and remind yourself that there are lots of other single people out there - you just need to keep looking.

Good luck

Dr. Manhattan

DontGetIt wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. If she is not into me, that's fine, everybody is different, but for God sake don't go on a date with me then! What I found a bit upsetting was that she knew quite a lot about me beforehand, she knew what I looked like, she obviously wasn't into me beforehand and probably made up her mind about me in advance, but she went on a date anyway! What gives?? I could've saved myself the embarrassment and awkwardness of being in a pub with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with me. I've tried to convince myself it hasn't affected me but it's been hanging over me all day and had me in a bad mood. It's the first date I've gone on in over a year, and I was wondering to myself why I put it off for so long - now I remember!

You're taking it way too personally. She had to go on the date to find out if you had any attraction to each other. The date didn't work out, but there you go, you should have some mild disappointment, not be letting it affect your mood for the day.

You could have got lucky and hit it off with the first girl you date, or, more likely, you'll go on a few dates before you find someone that fits you.

More importantly though, if you "put off" going on a date for over a year and have this reaction to a date that didn't go well, maybe you need to have a think about your readiness for dating rather than blaming this girl.