Am I doing the right thing?

Coco84

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

Over Christmas me and my boyfriend went on holidays with my parents. Throughout this time my parents claimed to have seen things in him that I was unaware of i.e. they claimed he was controlling, abusive and that I was walking on eggshells. Of course I denied this at the time.

When we got home my parents' opinions began to niggle at me. When my boyfriend asked what was wrong I just told him I was a bit depressed. I tried to brush these negative thoughts aside but it seemed like every day my boyfriend would fight and give out to me about something. At the same time it seemed like he was trying to split me and my mother up. (He had split me and my best friend up last year). Basically I felt like I was being forced into picking a side i.e. marrying him and abandoning my family or leaving him.

Anyway it all got too much for me and in an unplanned moment we ended up breaking up. That was his move not mine but he had thought it would just make me realize how much I loved him and we'd be back better than ever. But I didn't play his game this time despite his pleas for a week after.

At first I was so relieved but that was quickly replaced with the pain.

Since we broke up I'm realizing new things every day. I'm beginning to consider that my parents were right to some extent. I did spend my whole time trying to avoid upsetting him so we wouldn't argue and he wouldn't yell at me. And I did let a lot of things slide that I shouldn't have. And I began to realize where he had been manipulative. So I made progress or so I thought.

But today I saw him for the first time since we broke up three weeks ago. I could barely get a word out I was so choked up. Luckily I didn't cry in front of him but I had thought I had moved on. Why does it hurt more than ever within a second of seeing him? When will it get better? Did I make a mistake breaking it off with him? Surely I should be able to move on pretty quickly now that I see (or have convinced myself I see) him for who he is. Should I put up with his ways because I love him?

Any insight either way would be appreciated.

Sorry I didn't really keep it short.

LegacyUser

Wow, your post just brought up so many memories. I've been there and believe me you are DEFINITELY doing the right thing.

My ex did all those things, manipulate, tear me away from my best friend, and tried to do the same with my parents. He initiated a break up, and I remember begging to get back with him. I'd spend our entire relationship trying my BEST to not upset him, to make sure HE was happy... and do you know what? It never worked, he always got upset, started making me feel like I was inadequate.

Unlike you, I didn't have the sense to realize it when he initiated the break up, I ended up begging him to take me back, and getting engaged to this man. Soon after the engagement, once he knew he had even more control, the violence began. While I'm not saying your ex would turn to violence, I'm just saying that it's not a far road from where he is now.

The last time he hit me, the police were called, he was arrested and the next time I saw him, I felt exactly like you did... choked up, thinking I made a big mistake, and that he was the love of my life and I had overreacted.

What stopped me from going back? What helped me get over him? What makes me think of him and realize that he treated me badly? ... SUPPORT. From my family and my friends. They told me over and over again that I deserved better, and for the first few weeks it was HARD. But now, 4 months later, I am the MOST thankful person in the world that I'm no longer with him. I AM SO MUCH BETTER OFF - and you will be too!

I promise.

holyhead

Hey OP there's no doubt that you miss the good aspects of the relationship. All people have good and bad points. However what your parents spotted was a major bad point ie controlling. They are outside the bbox looking in and can see things not always apparent from the inside track. It sounds like you agree with their observation having had time to dwell on it. They didn't pluck this notion out of thin air. You yourself have condemned him as being manipulative. So stay strong and try and move on. Best of luck

Neyite

I've been where you are and I assure you that what you are feeling is completely natural. Your feelings for someone cant switch off like a tap, and it will take time to process it - especially when you are trying to sort out the muddle in your head when you realise that things that made you think he cared was really about manipulation and control. And that hurts, but the good news is, its not forever.:)

I got counselling with a womans refuge initially, then found a counseller of my own and it really helped me unravel my feelings and get me back on track. I had lost "me" somewhere along the course of the relationship and I had to reconnect with myself again. I found it helpful to read up on the psychology of domestic violence - which all begins with controlling behaviour and isolation of a victim from friends and family. It taught me so much.

I had to relearn what was normal in a relationship, and I made a mental vow to myself firstly to be totally single for a year, then during that year, really think about what I wanted in my next relationship. For a long time during that year I was hurt, then angry, then at peace with myself.

When my year was up, I met someone I knew from before. We are still together 7.5 years on and expecting our first child in May. Total opposite of my ex in every way. I have never been happier, and I credit counselling and focusing on me and what I wanted in life for that time.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for your relationship,and look after you.

It's only been 3 weeks OP
for a while you'll feel choked up

then sometimes you will be angry

then months later it will fade

enjoy the support of your parents and friends as much as possible and you will get through it

Tigger99

Op I really feel for you. It is entirely natural to be choked up on seeing him 3 weeks later even though it sounds like the breakup was the right thing.

You can really dislike his behaviour but still be in love with him. It will be raw for a while and so conflicting. Indeed you will probably give yourself a hard time for having feelings for him despite coming to the realisations that you have mentioned. But you shouldn't. The thing is that you can't just switch your feelings off. It could take months to fall out of love with him. That probably sounds horrific, oh my god months? But you will keep yourself busy, have bad days that will become fewer as time goes by.

But what won't take months, is for the raw searing pain to go away, or the relief that maybe you deserve more and in the end peace.

I saw someone today that used to be special to me and my heart ached with sadness. I would like to thank you for your post, it reminded me that these things do pass, even when at the time I think that they won't.

BarackPyjama

Trust your gut. And your gut, I'm sure, is telling you to never look back. Find someone who makes you happy.

Coco84

Thank you for all your replies. Your stories are really inspirational and really seem to hit the nail on the head with regards what I'm feeling. If it weren't for stories like yours I think I may have kept going in the relationship with my eyes shut. And thanks to your replies today was the easiest day to get through. I'm feeling a lot more confident that I'm doing the right thing and I'm already being less harsh on myself for being so foolish. In fact I've been very lucky to have gotten out before any real commitments were made.

been_there_786: You are a very strong woman and I admire you for getting out when it had gone that far. Your story will be one that keeps me on track.

Neyite: You really got it when you said "I had lost me somewhere along the course of the relationship". This was one of the first things that made me consider something wasn't right. I looked up some of the psychology of domestic violence you suggested and a lot of the signs they say to look out for were very familiar. I'm glad to hear everything worked out for you.