Do I do too much?

LegacyUser

Note: I'm not Irish, I'm born and raised Canadian, but I've been dating an Irish fella here in Canada for 3 months. I found this forum whilst bored at work and was googling Irish culture, and ever since have become hooked to it! (I especially love learning the slang lol)

My Irish bf, moved here just over 18 months ago, he's 31, I'm 28.

He’s a busy person, he works long hours and then goes to a Mixed Martial Arts gym Mon-Fri nights. So I see him maybe once during the week, and once on the weekend. The past 2 months he’s been consumed with finding a new apt b/c his sublet is up at the end of this month. So when we do hang out, it’s been just staying home and watching a movie (b/c he needs to save up for furniture), or running around town checking out apts for him. Mind you, I’m more than happy to do these things because I know he doesn’t have much choice right now (no car) but I suppose I feel like I've been taken for granted because everything we do revolves around him. We haven’t been on a proper ‘date’ since the first week we met. I guess I’d just like to feel special.

His birthday was last month, and he was down b/c all his family is back home in Ireland, and he didn't want to celebrate it. Fair enough, but I still surprised him with a box of cupcakes and a nice present - both of which he seemed to really appreciate.

V-day came around, and the day before, he tried to ask me if we could postpone our date to the weekend b/c he had two MMA classes he needed to attend on Tues. So I don't even get to be a priority on the one day when Hallmark has told you to make your gf #1? the gym you attend 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year takes priority instead? Lucky for me, he realized what an idiot that thought was and backpedaled into us having a nice V-day date.

So here's my question - he's moving at the end of the month, all my friends tell me that I've done enough for him, if he has to move, let him do it on his own - DONT OFFER TO HELP. While this is totally against my character, do you agree? A month ago, I brought up that I was feeling neglected and asked him to take me on a proper date, and I've still yet to go one one with him. He has legit excuses, but cmon now, ONE date a month where he puts me first, isn't that hard, surely? He tells me that it's a cultural difference, that in Ireland, dating is much more casual, and that bf/gf's just kind of hang out, and the girls are ok with that.

So should I not help him move, b/c I feel like he's just assumed that I will, not that he would EVER ask for my help if I didn't offer it.

Big Bag of Chips

Decide on what you WANT to do.

You have said your wouldn't mind helping him, but your friends have told you not to.

If you don't mind doing it, and would only not do it to prove a point, then I think that's a bit silly.

But if you don't want to do it because you think he's taking the piss, then that's a fair enough reason not to.

username123

canadiangirl786 wrote: »

He tells me that it's a cultural difference, that in Ireland, dating is much more casual, and that bf/gf's just kind of hang out, and the girls are ok with that.

Rubbish. I dont know who he was dating in Ireland, but the way he is behaving sounds ridiculous. He's just lazy and totally taking you for granted. Im sorry, but even if you were saving for furniture you could go on ONE cinema date in the course of a month!!

What I dont get is why you are bothering with him!!! I could understand just hanging out together after a long period of time together, but the early days of dating are supposed to be the honeymoon period when he is supposed to be chasing you and wooing you!!! If he is this lazy NOW, whats he gonna be like in 6 months, or a year!!
You must have low expectations of men if this is what you are happy to put up with from a new relationship!

You, my dear, have the patience of a saint, I would swiftly move on from any guy of any nationality who was taking me for granted like that and who was so lazy as to never even bother bringing me on a date!

LegacyUser

LOL I so appreciate the advice from you both - I am irritatingly patient, I know, only to inevitably become bitter, so it doesn't help.

I knew he was full of it when he said that's what dating was like in Ireland. I've read enough of this forum to know that girls and boys share the same dynamics irrespective of where they live.

I've put in 110% in this relationship, and he keeps telling me to be patient, that he'll take us on a trip, or we'll go for drinks, etc but it's all talk it seems.

The helping him move thing, I feel I would just to be a friend - I'd help a friend move, and I suppose at this point, that's all he and I really are. But I really need to date other people who don't use cultural difference and excuses as a cop out to being a good boyfriend.

It's a shame too, b/c he's actually quite handsome and I do really love the accent lol

Big Bag of Chips

There's plenty more of our handsome lads over there!!

midnight_train

canadiangirl786 wrote: »

He tells me that it's a cultural difference, that in Ireland, dating is much more casual, and that bf/gf's just kind of hang out, and the girls are ok with that..

That is such crap. I hate it when people pull the 'it's my culture' line to get out of being nice or responsible or understanding, or whatever it is they're supposed to be.

I'm not Irish either, but have lived here for the past ten years, had several Irish boyfriends, and YES have gone on plenty of dates!!

The first year or two I was living here, a drunk guy at a party grabbed my arse while we were chatting and I flipped out. He proceeded to tell me that it was part of Irish culture for guys to be able to feel up girls' bums as a way of being friendly!!! (complete rubbish!)

Sound like your guy is trying to get out of being a decent boyfriend by giving you a line of crap. And besides, he's in Canada and dating a Canadian girl. Tell him to cop on and take you out. Especially if he's what, 31???

curlzy

RUN OP RUN!!! He is ripping the piss on so many levels. You say you're patient but tbh honest, what you're doing isn't being patient it's being a doormat who doesn't think enough of themselves to INSIST that their boyfriend treats them more than a casual shag, seeing a guy once or twice a week and having sex is pretty much being f*ckbuddies after all. Seriously OP, wise up and get rid of him and go find a man who knows how to treat his girlfriend properly.

Remember people can only treat you the way you allow them too, so toughen up for god's sake and stop taking crap with a smile.

Best of luck.

BraziliaNZ

midnight_train wrote: »

He proceeded to tell me that it was part of Irish culture for guys to be able to feel up girls' bums as a way of being friendly!!!

No that ones definitely true

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone - I'm meeting him tonight, he's already said it's the SAME Friday night ritual, come to his place, cuddle on the couch, watch tv, and go to bed.

I've made the decision (facilitated a great deal because of all of your inputs) that if between now and Sunday night that if some sort of proper date isn't initiated by him, I will call it quits on Sunday night.

Patience and doormat are definitely two different things. I think I've stayed in this relationship so long because I just don't want to go back to square one and singledom. But really, what differentiates us from f*ckbuddies? I guess the fact he's told his mum and friends about me - but I'm sure there was some selfish motivation behind that too.

He's fully admitted he's selfish, but says that it's who he is, and he hates that about himself. Ugh, admitting you're an a-hole, doesn't really make you any less of one, I suppose.

Thanks again all of you!

LovelyLottie

canadiangirl786 wrote: »

A month ago, I brought up that I was feeling neglected and asked him to take me on a proper date, and I've still yet to go one one with him. He has legit excuses, but cmon now, ONE date a month where he puts me first, isn't that hard, surely? He tells me that it's a cultural difference, that in Ireland, dating is much more casual, and that bf/gf's just kind of hang out, and the girls are ok with that.

Oh he's good. Well, actually, bad. Unfortunately for him you found boards.ie and we as Irish folk can confirm that this is in fact a big fat lie. I can't BELIEVE he said this. I feel bad for you that you've invested your heart and soul in the relationship, but at least you've found out now before you invest anymore that he is completely taking advantage. Dump his ass. Then find yourself a nice, handsome guy who's not full of sh1t.

cocokay

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Oh he's good. Well, actually, bad. Unfortunately for him you found boards.ie and we as Irish folk can confirm that this is in fact a big fat lie. I can't BELIEVE he said this. I feel bad for you that you've invested your heart and soul in the relationship, but at least you've found out now before you invest anymore that he is completely taking advantage. Dump his ass. Then find yourself a nice, handsome guy who's not full of sh1t.

yup, i am with my man 6 yrs, he is a mammys boy (like most irish men!) but we have dinner dates, cinema dates, and go-out-and-get-locked-together dates and consider theses separate from spending time walked our dog in the park/on the beach or vegged in front of the tv. like we make an effort to get dressed up & go out together and both think its important. if hes like this this early its not looking good u can do better op!

Idle Passerby

Your boyfriend sounds really lazy and I don't mean to be insulting, but you sound like a pushover. I would not be ferrying him around to look for apartments or furniture or whatever, he's not a cherished old friend of yours, hes a guy you've been seeing (fairly casually by the sounds of it) for just 3 months!

Its not your fault he has no car. If you weren't there (with your car) he'd have to do things for himself, like an independent adult!

Its very nice of you to be so helpful but he's taking advantage. Considering the set-up between the two of you: once or twice a week nights in at his place and brushing off his disinterest as a cultural difference, I would see trying to duck out of the Valentines date as an indicator that he doesn't see the relationship as much more than a bit of fun.

Katgurl

Hahahah total BS, this Irish girl certainly expects more than sitting on the couch one night a week.

But that's neither here nor there because if he wants to be with you, the relationship needs to work for you both.

He sounds romance-lazy and like he's just doing what he gets away with. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, he might genuinely have always had girls who wanted to do this.

Sit down and talk to him and tell him it might be better to call it quits if you both have different expectations. Tell him to take a few days to think about it. And as for sitting in the couch on a Friday night, say that's fine if he wants to do it but after a weeks work you feel like going out for some fun and go on out without him.

Lorna123

I definitely would not help him move apartment, let him see what it is like to be on the receiving end of mean. Sometimes people don't get it until they experience it themselves. It might give him something to think about. Also, don't be availabe to spend time on sit in dates. Then he will be on this forum next week complaining how stupid he was and asking how can he win you back

emzolita

OP how did you get on at the weekend?

LegacyUser

Just to update...

I told him that we should keep it 'casual' so that there was no pressure. Which, based on the way he was behaving, seemed like it's what he wanted and I'm not about to force an adult committed relationship if one person's not ready for it.

He's clearly the kind of guy that if you pull back, he gets his act together and becomes the kind of boyfriend you'd need (ugh, so frustrating!). He was shocked by the 'casual' statement, and said that even though he was the one who seemed like he was treating the relationship that way, he didn't want that, that I'm very important to him etc, he's just crap at showing it.

I know he's very good at always saying the right things, but I wanted to see if his actions fit the bill. Surprisingly they did... We actually went OUT on Friday night, I met his friends, HE bought all the drinks, and we spent the entire weekend together with him cooking the meals and being a really wonderful boyfriend.

This thread definitely drove home the point that I am going to stop doing SO much. I will help him move, AFTER I've done my class at the gym. You value things (or relationships) more when you feel you've had to work for it, not if you're getting it for free.

So thanks all!

OFF TOPIC - His friends, (4 other fresh from Ireland boys) that I met on the weekend, were all hilarious, gentlemen-like, attractive, all around very cool guys - I'm officially a big fan of the Irish, you are all very lucky girls

Taltos

emzolita - please don't ask an OP for an update. PI/RI is not for our entertainment.
An OP is under no obligation to keep us updated with their specific issue and quite often apart from the initial post do not post again, preferring to take in the advice without getting into discussions.

If you are unsure on this or other expectations in this forum please review our Charter.

Thanks
Taltos

Big Bag of Chips

I told you there were loads more out there!

So if it doesn't work out with him, you can always "try" one of his mates!

Only joking, obviously!

Glad you sorted him out. Now, don't settle back into the old routine... you know now that he is capable of being a "proper" boyfriend!

beks101

Glad things went so well OP, but I'd give this a bit of time and exercise a bit of caution before you jump back into boyfriend-girlfriend mode if I were you.

Right now he's immediately reacting to the idea that he could lose you, but I'm not entirely sure there's no risk of him sliding back into his lazy ways as the weeks wear on and he feels like he 'has' you again - remember, this behaviour has been going on long enough that you felt the need to create a thread about it.

Also, no decent guy who cares deeply for a girl should need this kind of kick up the aRse, or should need to feel like he has to 'work for' a relationship with her in order to appreciate it. That just stinks of some sort of bullsh1t hard-to-get game-playing to me, and do you want to spend all your time with this guy 'kicking him into gear' by demoting your relationship status/threatening to break up every couple of months?

I hope that he's seen the error of his ways, but I also don't think people change so drastically overnight, so I would just say be wary and don't throw yourself further into this relationship until there's proof that he's willing to make the same effort.

P.S Canadian guys are pretty cool too