To go to Debs or Not to go?

LegacyUser

I'm in 6th year and we have to give in deposits for our debs tickets next week at the latest but I'm having serious worries deciding whether I should go or not.

Bit of background: I've never been confident, only in the past year I've become a little more confident but as its our last year in school groups of friends are already there and my school is quite cliquey so although I have tried, I haven't had much sucess in making many new friends. From 2nd through to 5th year I had very very low self esteem, battled with eating and weight problems (I was never 'overweight' but never slim or healthy and definitely not happy). I do have a group of friends, there are 5 of us, they are so lovely and so much fun to be around but apart from them and maybe 3 or 4 other girls I don't really have many other good friends. And despite going to a co-ed school I have no boy friends, I chat to one or two boys in one or two classes and I'm not painfully shy or anything its just come to a point where after nearly 6 years of being in the school they think I (and my 4 friends) aren't really worth getting to know. And tbh its my own fault.

Anyway I rambled on a bit much there but I am looking forward so much to going to college next year to start a fresh(or I might take a gap year first) but I'm wondering should I go to my debs? The tickets are 100 euro + buying a dress and shoes etc. will probably come up to 200 euro... 300 euro on a night I may not even enjoy seems like a waste to me. I wont be able to find I date, I know that... so its either go alone/ with a couple of my good friends. But I don't want to be seen as 'the girl who came alone/ couldnt get a date'.. I would love to go and get all dressed up, see my friends before college but I don't know if it would be worth it. And I also don't really want to have to go through constant questions of 'why aren't you coming to the debs?!' and during it 'so who did you bring?' and after 'why didn't you come?'.

Is it worth going? Is it worth spending €300 on? Do many people go alone?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

I didn't go and I'm sure I wasn't the only one
300 euro for one night where you're not sure you even want to go sounds like a massive waste of money to me
plus they have balls in college anyway

lazygal

Never went to my debs and don't regret it. I hated school and the one friend I made also didn't go. By the time it came around I'd started college and had just moved on from the whole school scene. It seems like a massive rite of passage now, but I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who really enjoyed their debs. Save the money for a college ball, you'll have a far better time.

KittyeeTrix

I went to mine almost 20 years ago.....

I was popular in my class and had a boyfriend and all so the night I'm assuming went well....

I'm assuming because I cant remember feck all of the night. and that's not because of alcohol:D

What I'm saying OP is to go if you want to and don't fret too much over it cos in the longterm it won't be something that will have any impact on the bigger picture.

I couldn't tell you if anyone hadn't a date on the night I went to my Debs:)

aidan24326

I think the whole thing of bringing a 'date' to your school debs is totally ridiculous, as it puts teenagers under so much pressure. It's fine if you're the good-looking girl/boy in the class but for the shy, geeky, fat kid it must be a nightmare.

I just don't understand why schools persist with that tradition knowing the unnecessary stress it will cause for some. In the school I went to this wasn't a problem as you weren't supposed to bring a date anyway.

OP, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Don't go if you really don't want to. As Kittyeetrix said it won't make much difference in the long run. You'll make new friends at college and meet more like-minded people and over time you'll inevitably lose touch with the majority of your school classmates anyway.

Seren_

From reading your post, I think we had a very similar school experience OP! I went to the debs with my group of friends and we all had a great night. Are your friends thinking of going? If you want to go, and they're going too, go ahead and do it! No one will pass any heed whatsoever

ongarboy

aidan24326 wrote: »

I think the whole thing of bringing a 'date' to your school debs is totally ridiculous, as it puts teenagers under so much pressure. It's fine if you're the good-looking girl/boy in the class but for the shy, geeky, fat kid it must be a nightmare.

I just don't understand why schools persist with that tradition knowing the unnecessary stress it will cause for some. In the school I went to this wasn't a problem as you weren't supposed to bring a date anyway.

OP, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Don't go if you really don't want to. As Kittyeetrix said it won't make much difference in the long run. You'll make new friends at college and meet more like-minded people and over time you'll inevitably lose touch with the majority of your school classmates anyway.

But isn't bring a date the whole point of what makes the Debs different (and special in a teenager's life)? Otherwise it's just another night out (albeit a bit dressier). What happens if you go to an all boys school? The slow sets would seem a little.. ahem.. awkward? ....that's assuming slow sets are still played at these things.

Anyway OP, like someone else said, the debs is not a big deal in the bigger scheme of things so don't fret about it if you don't want to go. I can't remember mine either and it was 20 years ago also. I wouldn't even recognise the girl I brought if I saw her in the street today!

Fluorescence

I went to 3 (long story) and didn't enjoy any of them. Keep the money and spend it on something you'll really enjoy! The debs is just a glorified piss-up.

LegacyUser

I didn't go to my Debs 10 years ago and I've never regretted it. I was single, had four or five close friends and could have gone with them, but I didn't bother. I had nothing in common with anyone else in my year (went to a fairly rough school) and I'm really glad I didn't waste money on some stupid rite of passage and a dress I'd never wear again.

Don't go just because you feel you have to. For €300 you could go away on a city break with your friends for a couple of nights and really enjoy yourself!

Idle Passerby

If I were you I would go, sure its expensive and somewhat pointless but you said you have a group of good friends to go with.

I was the same as you when I was in 6th year, I had a small group of girls I was really good friends with and barely knew anyone else. It was a girls school so I barely knew any lads at all and fretted for months about who to bring. In the end I brought another girls date's brother Id never met before. He was nice and all but he fecked off with his own friends and I had a great night with my friends. So if I was doing it over, Id buy my own ticket and not bother bringing a boy just for the sake of having a date.

Dont worry about people asking where you were or who you brought after the event. Deb's usually happen in late Summer so you've been away from the class all summer and most people will probably be thinking of heading to college. Its the end of an era really and its nice to get dressed up and commemorate that with the people you shared the experience with.

Idle Passerby

...and I forgot to mention...no one will even think of the Debs by the following week, so I doubt anyone would ask why you didnt go. If people ask who your bringing tell them you'd rather let your hair down with your friends than have some gawky teenage boy in an over-sized suit holding you back all night!

Good luck

saa

I went and spent 30 euro on my deep purple flowy A line empire line satin Grecian-style dress wore heels to match, did my own hair and make up and looked better than most folk with silly puffy dresses.

I had a tough time finding a date, should of brought a friend as he just went off to party but other than the bus there I was just with friends.

If you want to go GO! as it does sound important to you especially if you're going to regret it if you're not going to regret it then take it easy its actually just another night out and a meal where most people get really drunk or really bored but I am glad I went because at the time I never realised how I wouldn't have a night out with all of my school friends ever again.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'll just chime in with my story.

I was probably like you in school, not unpopular, but not really the center of attention either. I skipped transition year so just had a small group of friends in my 6th year. I also didn't really have an female friends until I got to college.

I didn't have a great interest in going as I'd find it hard to get a date and wasn't very interested anyway. I got a lot of the "why aren't you going" bits from people in my class at the time as well as teachers. I just told them it wasn't my thing and didnt want to go.

So anyway, I didn't go... Its about 9/10 years on and it just does not register with me. It'll just be a big drunken night, nobody will really care about it once you reach college and in the greater scheme of things it made no difference on my life. A lot more important nights and events have occurred since. Nobody I know is with the person they went to theirs with and it's really just not a big deal.

If you feel at all that you really want to go then maybe make an effort and see if any of your friends could set you up with a guy to go with. If you're really not bothered then just don't and ignore it. Once you get to college there'll be a lot more important things than that.

CarMe

I could have easily written this post when i was in sixth year! I didn't go and have no regrets.x

woodchuck

I didn't go to my debs and don't regret it in the least. I didn't have a group of friends to go with and at that stage I was making a fresh start for myself in college.

But that's what was right for me. Based on what you said:

louise397 wrote: »

I would love to go and get all dressed up, see my friends before college

I think you'll regret it if you don't go. It sounds like something you really want to go to and are lucky to have good friends to go with. Finding a date is something that you can always get sorted later (friend of a friend etc, plenty of people in your position and they manage to find someone!).

Is the deposit much? If it's only 20euro or something it couldn't hurt to invest that much now and if you decide you really don't want to go later in the year you could pull out then. But I reckon you should go

curlzy

Hey OP,

I went to my Debs but do regret it. It was a really crap and disappointing night, I wish I'd saved my cash. Anyway stop trying to figure out what's right/wrong, what people will say/won't say etc and just do what YOU want to do. If you want to go with your friends then do that, if you want a date then ask someone, if you don't want to go then don't. It really is extremely unimportant when you look back on it, it just seems important in 6th year.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for all the replies, I really really appreciate them.

I haven't decided what to do yet but I think I might just go with my friends. I do really like some of the people in my year and it would be nice to have a night out with them... I'm not completely sure though.

karaokeman

I went to my Debs and I was indifferent about it.

Having said that, I have no regrets about going.

It be a long story but for the most part I was in a similar situation to you, all-boys school, had few female friends etc.

My date left me at :12:30am as she had an overprotective mother so I was basically on my own for the rest of the night.

That wasn't the main thing that stopped me having a whale of a time but I was never really close to my school friends, I kinda just went for the experience and because I wanted to be there on the last night of our lives the whole year would be out.

Now in college I have made many new friends and have become closer to them since september than I had to my school friends over 5-6 years.

In short, do what you feel is right. I knew it was something I wanted to do so I went for it regardless of the money etc.

beks101

louise397OP wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thanks for all the replies, I really really appreciate them.

I haven't decided what to do yet but I think I might just go with my friends. I do really like some of the people in my year and it would be nice to have a night out with them... I'm not completely sure though.

Hi OP,

I'd go if I were you. It'd be a different thing if you hated absolutely everyone in your year and were worried about who you'd spend the night with - but as that's not the case, this will be a nice opportunity to say goodbye to a lot of the people you will probably not see for years once you all move on.

And don't worry about bringing a date. I brought a guy that I barely knew, who didn't know any of my friends, and in a sense I didn't get to truly enjoy the night as I had to sit with him and make sure he was OK all night, as opposed to having a laugh with my friends like everyone else. Do you have a close friend that you usually go out with and you could bring along? A lot of girls in my year did that and they had the most fun out of all of us!

Forget the expense - it's a small price to pay by comparison to the memories and photos that you will have in ten years' time. Sure, it mightn't be the best night of your life, but it's as much your night as it is everyone else in your year and it's marking the end of an important chapter in your life.

I say to hell with it and just go, have fun

LegacyUser

Thats kind of the problem though I don't have anyone to go with other than female friends. And thats my main problem, I'm really worried about looking like... well... a bit of a loner I guess.

I don't have any close male friends or even any male friends at all really. Well none that I could ask, I have one guy friend but he has a girlfriend so I obviously can't go with him!

Is it weird to go with a couple of girl friends? Will others do this?

Sorry for all the questions..

starlit

Try not to put pressure on yourself to go OP. I can understand the pressure to go, get dolled up. To be honest its one night, you have your whole life to have nights out. There are more important nights out than just the debs!

I was undecided as to whether I go alone or have someone with me, I felt the pressure I should have a date but against the odds I wished I went on my own or just teamed up with a group from my class for the night who went on their own. I knew few fellas I could ask to go with me so had to ask a friend of mine to set me up. It turned out to be platonic really and was a bit awkward.

It was a very disappointing night for me. I really didn't enjoy it. Though I was over 18, I felt I wanted to enjoy the night and not drink but in fact I didn't enjoy the night just cause I didn't have a drink and the buzz was dire which made it worse for me. I had just gotten over the flu so drinking wasn't an option and still had a cold at the time which made me feel still a bit sickly and was a factor in not enjoying my night too.

I didn't know many guys I could have taken as a date, I would have felt more left out if I didn't. It was grand for the meal I had someone to chat too but at the same time we didn't really spend much time together. I ended up with the group of single girls from my class, enjoyed it a bit more and had more fun when with them and a couple of their friends. I hung out with the friends I went with and my date but not as much as I would have liked.

The atmosphere wasn't all that was craiced up to be, music was ok but the night was a disappointment. Meal wasn't all that nice. Some of my friends and some of those from my year didn't go to the debs if they went the year before for those that did Transition year they tended to go in 5th year rather than 6th year but there were the odd few that went to both when in 5th year and 6th year and me well I did TY but never went in 5th year, regret going actually probably have had more fun and wished I didn't bother to wait till 6th year thinking that was the right thing to too. I was 17 in 5th year though.

Despite not going when in 5th year people at the debs noticed I wasn't there! I was going to go but changed my mind, had no one to go too and wasn't too big up on being with the people who were going but saying that they said they had a good time wished I went now! Ha, beggers can't be choosers!

Though I wasn't a person who went out that much hardly at all when in secondary school had no interest so technically the debs was my first proper night out. For some reason it made me realise to wait till I started college to start going out. I wasn't mature or ready to go out I guess when in leaving cert, I just wanted to focus on the leaving as the debs was a couple of months before our actual leaving. Though going did help me be more wary about going out I suppose and making sure I enjoyed my nights out.

From a social point of view I was ok, I chatted to as many people possible who I was friendly with. I was a very quiet and shy girl and wouldn't have been the most confident of person but college I suppose has helped me come out of my shell a bit. Anyway, Op believe in yourself, just get chatting about something general to someone who is friendly and approachable. You'll enjoy the night more that you have made an effort. Maybe team up with a group of girls from your class if they are single. No harm going on your own either, you might meet new and different people there not from your school/class.

No point spending that kind of money though if you think you might not go. I was lucky though that I had my bridesmaid dress to wear to my debs, so reused my dress!, did my own make up and hair so didn't spend a thing other than on the debs tickets!

Some of my friends were surprised I did my own make up! I think its a waste of money going to a hair dresser/make up salon just for the sake of a night out. I think if you can do some of it yourself or get someone to go to your house be better money spent. Dress wise, you don't need to spend over a €100 for a beautiful dress that suit you! You be better off buying a dress that suits you that's nice either online or from a reputable shop like Swamp, new look or pamela scotts for half the price for a dress you'd buy in an expensive place with the exception of debenhams and tkmaxx.

A girl who was in my year she bought a dress for €200 and her strap broke, so an expensive dress does not equal quality, style and being pretty! A dress within your budget if you look hard enough might suit! I think its scandalous that you'd spend €300 or more on your debs. A wedding is expensive enough!

I'd recommend searching on the littlewoods and boohoo websites, and other shops I've mentioned above and the likes of riverisland, quiz, topshop, red herring, mexx, vera moda, miss selfridges, jane norman if its still around. You could get a fab dress that wouldn't be too expensive! No points breaking the bank, a debs is suppose to be special is what you can make it. There is more to the debs than just spending money on it. Its not necessary. You can enjoy the debs without having to spend a fortune!

Its your decision in the end of the day, do what's right for you and go with your gut instinct and go to the way how you feel!

Best of luck with it OP!

bailarinabela

Hi there,

Definitely sympathise so much with your situation! I went to two debs, my own and a boyfriends. While his was a lot of fun, mine was a disaster and really I think that's because I put so much pressure on myself over it! The dress, shoes, costs, date...it all was just ridiculous. I always say looking back, I'd rather have not gone and spent the money on someone I'D have enjoyed, rather than going because I felt I had to.

My advice is that if you don't want to go, don't. If you'd just be going to please other people, it's definitely not worth it. It can be a fantastic night, sure. But it is blown way out of proportion a lot of the time.

Stavro Mueller

I could have written your post when I was your age! What I suggest is that you go with what your gut tells you rather than what you think you should be doing. Have a chat with your friends as well and see what they think. To be honest, most people aren't going to be all that interested in who you did/didn't bring with you.

I did go to mine on my own as did my best friend. I was too shy to ask anyone. I went because it was the done thing and I didn't want to stand out. Now that I'm older and have lived life, I'd make a completely different decision. I'd be thinking why should I waste time and money hanging out with people who treated me with polite indifference? Once the class breaks up, it's unlikely you'll see most of these people anyway.

Once you do your leaving cert, your life's gonna change big time. Very soon, your debs is going to be a dim and distant memory.

beks101

OPlouise397 wrote: »

Thats kind of the problem though I don't have anyone to go with other than female friends. And thats my main problem, I'm really worried about looking like... well... a bit of a loner I guess.

I don't have any close male friends or even any male friends at all really. Well none that I could ask, I have one guy friend but he has a girlfriend so I obviously can't go with him!

Is it weird to go with a couple of girl friends? Will others do this?

Sorry for all the questions..

I should have clarified - a lot of people in my year brought along FEMALE friends, people they hung around with regularly, be it through sport or school or whatever - they all took each other along and had an absolute blast of a night!

When I was your age I was the exact same - had pretty much zero male friends and the guy I ended up bringing was just a guy that I happened to meet at the Gaeltacht the summer before. I know how much anxiety it can provoke to be worrying about that, but let me tell you this - no-one cares! People are so tied up in the excitement of the night, the dresses, the photos, the 'speeches', the dinner, the music...that who you've come with is irrelevant. Bring a girl friend you get along with and can have the craic with, I promise you it will be a night to remember!

Fluorescence

OPlouise397 wrote: »

Thats kind of the problem though I don't have anyone to go with other than female friends. And thats my main problem, I'm really worried about looking like... well... a bit of a loner I guess.

I don't have any close male friends or even any male friends at all really. Well none that I could ask, I have one guy friend but he has a girlfriend so I obviously can't go with him!

Is it weird to go with a couple of girl friends? Will others do this?

Sorry for all the questions..

More than half of my year went by themselves or brought a girl friend from another school/year with them. Don't worry about it!

NoobSaibot5

Avoid it if you can. There's better things to be spending your money on, and honestly you don't miss much. Just the people in your class getting pissed on a few bottles of VK Ice and crying outside for no reason lol

aidan24326

ongarboy wrote: »

But isn't bring a date the whole point of what makes the Debs different (and special in a teenager's life)? Otherwise it's just another night out (albeit a bit dressier). What happens if you go to an all boys school? The slow sets would seem a little.. ahem.. awkward? ....that's assuming slow sets are still played at these things.
Anyway OP, like someone else said, the debs is not a big deal in the bigger scheme of things so don't fret about it if you don't want to go. I can't remember mine either and it was 20 years ago also. I wouldn't even recognise the girl I brought if I saw her in the street today!

Slow sets?? I don't think they exist anymore

And yes bringing a date along to your debs might (and I mean might) be special, if you can get one. Not so much for the shy, not-so-popular kid who can't.

PS easy knnown yours was 20 years ago when you're referring to the dinosaur that is the slow-set

My own was 18 years ago btw so I am also old enough to remember the days of the ss.

Idle Passerby

I agree with beks101, go with your friends, forget about brining a boy you barely know, he'll only stand in the way of a good time. I dont think anyone will care if you dont bring a date or even if you bring a female friend as your date. In my experience, unless the dates are boyfriends or a good friend already, theyre just an awkward accessory for the night.

LegacyUser

Back when I was in 6th year I was really stressed about my debs night and who to bring as I didnt know that many girls and the ones I did know knew no one in my school. I stupidly listened to two of my mates and asked a girl I didnt really know or like and got rejected.

So I just decided to bring along two of my male friends who knew lots of my classmates. Turned out to be a great night and few people just went on their own (even one of the cool kids went by their selfs).

My advice just bring one of your close mates, rent a dress or something I wouldnt spend €300 or anything.

Chinafoot

louise397 wrote: »

I do have a group of friends, there are 5 of us, they are so lovely and so much fun to be around but apart from them and maybe 3 or 4 other girls I don't really have many other good friends.

The debs issue aside, OP, this really stood out for me. Do you really think that being part of a group of FIVE really close friends and having 3 or 4 other people you can consider yourself friendly with, is not good enough? There are people who would kill to have a group of friends like that. I'm really not sure why you are putting yourself down like this. You have a group of friends that you are close to and love being with yet you're talking as if you have no friends at all.

If you want to go to the Debs then you should go. Have you even spoke about it with your group of friends? Are they planning to bring people? There is nothing wrong whatsoever with all of you going together. I don't see how you could possibly think that would make you "a loner". If you went and sat there by yourself all night not speaking to anyone that would be a different story. Going with a decent sized group of friends means you are very far from being a loner.

I didn't go to my debs but that was because I changed schools at the beginning of 6th year and wasn't arsed going. I don't like formal occasions and putting on a ball gown and watching former classmates get hammered in some shítty function room is my idea of hell.

That being said, it's obvious you want to go so you should talk to your friends.

Roisy7

Like the other posters said, it does seem like you want to go OP, so I'd advise you go for it.

I went to an all-girls school and was set up with a lad from the boys school by my friends. We didn't fancy each other in the least and I spent most of the night with my girlfriends, and him with his friends.

I went to another debs on my own with one of my friends (a girl) and it was brilliant craic.

The Debs is a big deal at the time but when you get to college, work etc it's a distant memory. I'm glad I went to mine but it was far from the high-school Prom scenario many of us imagined it to be. Keep your expectations low (enough) and look at it as a way to celebrate the friendships you've made in school, not a dream night- it's far from the movies!