Building fences?

LegacyUser

I need advice/help.

Sorry this might get long.

Im with my girlfriend 5 years. We met in our early twenties after being friends for a bit and it quickly developed into a relationship. When we started out she was all over the place in that she had no real direction in life and was a casual drug taker. But I saw so much in her and she is gorgeous.

She was in a job that was killing her literally and was being taken for granted, I told her there was more to life than that and that she could leave the job and move in with me and id help her on her way. Shes a real go-getter and I knew once she had a little stability behind her she would do well. We moved into together and within a week she got a good job. We were happy out and very much in Love! We were a great team.

We are both from the country and had moved to Dublin. I was there on a work experience year and after the year was up I went back down the country to finish my degree and she stayed in Dublin. We continued our relationship and 9 months later I finished my degree and moved back in with her in Dublin. (I had a job lined up)

We were happy out for the next 4 years, doing our thing very much in love.. She started to get unhappy in her job even though she started at the ground level and worked her way up to management level. I had urged her on to apply for promotions etc and felt only her self confidence was holding her back. She completed a diploma and everything.

I was on a three day week in work as the sector im in isn’t good at the moment. We were under no financial pressure at all as even in a 3 day week I was earning very good money.. She was unhappy about certain things in her appearance so went for some surgery to correct that. I stood by her and helped her mend.

We discussed the possibility to go to Oz where she has family there and it ment she could get different experience. I would have no problem with finding work with my experience and degree. I mulled it over and said lets go for it. I sold my car and saved more money. I noticed she wasn’t saving much at all. In the end we decided to push out the oz thing a couple of months until she saved money.

My boss came to me one day and discussed the possibility of moving to the UK with work. I came home and discussed this with her. She was understandably upset. I comforted her and told her I was always there for her and that I wouldn’t take the job if she wasn’t willing to come. (It would have meant I would have lost mine in Ireland, but I have many skills and wouldn’t have any issue with work).

She said she was willing to move and that she would come with me, that she would hand in her notice. A week passed and my move to the UK was on the cards, the day before she was to hand in her notice, she heard about a great job internally within the company. It was to cover maternity leave for someone for 6 months. I told her she should go for it as it would be great experience. She went for it and got it.

Roll on 2 months and im in the UK flying back every weekend to see her. After xmas I got really sad that I was missing her as I found out there was a chance that she wouldn’t be now just staying the 6 months that it could be at least a year. I broke down in all honestly. I found that I had put so much effort into keeping her upbeat I forgot about myself. I wrote her a big long email basically laying my heart on the line. Telling her how much she ment to me and that I missed her. She flew over that weekend and we had a big long chat about where we were headed. She told me she wanted to try the OZ thing next year and that she would move over in June as originally planned.

I told her that I had no problem moving back home as I knew how much the job ment to her. People wanted to hear her opinions, she was valued at last in work. (She was always valued just her insecurities never left her believe it).

Another month passed and I could tell something was up, her texts to me weren’t as frequent and all I heard about was work when she did. I questioned her and eventually it came out that shes not really missing me. She said she loves me and that she looks forward to the weekends but that she felt like the intimacy between us had weaned. I was thinking of course it would LDR and also after that many years you need to mix things up to keep things going in the bedroom.

It all came to a head last night then when I asked her to commit to a time frame to moving back together in one way or an other, she was on skype and said that she wanted to do the OZ thing in Jan next year. I thought to myself the dates just keep pushing out and that how do I know she really means it.

So I just said grand so, ill book the flights this week. Her facial expression said it all… I don’t think she was prepared for me to say that.

So I basically said it is probably best if we go our separate ways. She said she had thought a break for a month might make her miss me. However I don’t believe in breaks and basically ended it.

I feel like a door mat, that I tried to help my girlfriend find her place in life and when she started getting on her feet and when I needed her the most she left me to my own devices. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, running everything through my head, thinking did I put too much pressure on her to commit to a date to move, did I make a mistake etc? I always felt a strong individuals made a stronger unit. She text me to say she loved me and to say goodnight.

Have I missed something? I have a feeling it’s a huge defence mechanism, that im gone, that she has to be independent now and not play the childs game anymore, that I am not around to make some of the harder decisions for her in life, that she will have to fend for herself alone. I feel like its just her work with a boyfriend on the side. She is more than capable of fending for her self as is anyone. Ships were made to sail on the ocean not stay harboured up.

Any one got any ideas, is it me? Could I rectify something, be more patient? any ideas as im at a loss....

fungun

Thats the risk with going away from each other - one person might realise they dont miss the other person that much after all. Im not sure there is much you can do here, just sounds like her feelings dont quite match yours, although she is being nice and not doing anything wrong.

I think the feeling you have of 'you were there for her, why is she not there for me' is a little unfair. Its more that you were really in love when she needed you, and now you she doesnt quite feel the same....I think thats more unfortunate timing for you rather than anything intentional or deliberate on her side.

In general, I think putting pressure on doesnt work. Id leave her to her own devices for a bit and see how she feels. Once verbalised, sometimes these ideas feel more real and that could help her crystallise what she feels; so Id 'be there' but without any pressure

Miss Fluff

If you don't mind my saying, from your post it would seem that you were constantly boosting her and encouraging her and most decisions were all about her happiness rather than your own. Do you think that's an accurate assessment?

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

Thats the risk with going away from each other - one person might realise they dont miss the other person that much after all. Im not sure there is much you can do here, just sounds like her feelings dont quite match yours, although she is being nice and not doing anything wrong.

I think the feeling you have of 'you were there for her, why is she not there for me' is a little unfair. Its more that you were really in love when she needed you, and now you she doesnt quite feel the same....I think thats more unfortunate timing for you rather than anything intentional or deliberate on her side.

In general, I think putting pressure on doesnt work. Id leave her to her own devices for a bit and see how she feels. Once verbalised, sometimes these ideas feel more real and that could help her crystallise what she feels; so Id 'be there' but without any pressure

You think I should just see how it plays out? Im wondering is that being a bit unfair to myself? As in shouldnt I at least know where its going rather than the "I dont know"?

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you don't mind my saying, from your post it would seem that you were constantly boosting her and encouraging her and most decisions were all about her happiness rather than your own. Do you think that's an accurate assessment?

I wouldnt say it all the time. I have spent alot trying to make her realise her potential. I can say hand on heart that she wasnt a project or anything like that. I genuinely love her and just wanted to see her get on, im sure thats what anyone wants for their partner..

Seeing her happy made me happy if you get me.