Difficult ex

LegacyUser

My frist serious boyfriend was a bit of an asshole to me. I was insecure and he was my frist serious boyfriend after years of thinking I'd never meet anyone who'd like me enough to go out with me.

We lasted just under 3 years - after the first year he broke up with me every 4 months or so, only to rekindle things about a month later. I absolutely worshiped the ground he walked on but the constant breaking up made me even more insecure and made it easier for him to treat me like dirt.

So - when we did break up he spent a year calling me everyday to talk about his problems and calling over for sex at the weekend, I was still really in love with him so found it very hard to move on but demanded that he stop contacting me - which he did, we have mutual friends so he would hear when I had new boyfriends and immeadiatley come back and do what he could to destroy it by leading me to believe we could get back together - though we never did.

Eventually, we both moved on and weirdly salvaged a friendship aftrer not talking for over a year - although now - 5 years after our last break up I can completely see how I let him treat me like dirt and how awful he was to take advantage of me feeling vulnerable (ultimately he broke up with me because I was suffering with bulimia and my attention seeking had hit new lows - quote). I have zero interest in ever being romantically or intimately involved with him again. Although I do on some levels love him as a person after all that time, I could never be in a relationship with him ever again.

I have a new boyfriend now and my ex will ask me about him - he'll say things like I am being naive and my bf is obviously doing the dirt on me, (based on him having an important work related meeting yesterday evening - valentines) and of course, my ex is just looking out for me!! He then went on to remind me about how I apparently used ot harrass him in to buying me flowers when we went out?! I was like - why are you even going there?

We've been to hell and back as a couple and I always thought it was nice we eventually found a friendship but I don't get why he's being so mean - this isn't the first time eiither. I recently went to his birthday drinks and the next day he texted me the next day slagging off my darkened eyebrows - it probably sounds weird but just loads of things - he's so mean to me and I'm really nice to him

Is there anything I can do to make him grow up or am I gonna have to tell him to **** off? At this stage I don't think I'd even care if I'd to shut him out again it just makes life awkward because we have a lot of shared mates

rainbowtrout

Just cut contact with your ex, regardless of what friends you have in common. He was mean to you in your relationship which you are very much aware of and he continues to be mean, and manipulative now that you are 'friends'.

He no longer has control over you as a girlfriend but is still trying to control you by saying stuff about your current boyfriend. It's none of his business. You probably shouldn't tell him anything about your current boyfriend as you're just feeding the fire. How else did he know he was working last night?

If he was a proper friend he wouldn't be mean to you. Don't waste any more time on him.

IrishEyes19

He just sounds like a manipulative control freak, OP, he sounds jealous of your relationship, jealous that your happy in it. Let him off to his own devices. Its not worth the hassle

jay phelan

Agree with both others. He sounds like he's just jealous and wants you to be single and open for whatever and whenever he wants you. I'd just cut contact with him and get on with your life with your new boyfriend.

tinkerbell

Eh WHY are you still in contact with this loser ex of yours? He is no good for you, he wants you to never be happy and always miserable. Stop wasting your life on that twat and move on. You cannot be friends with him - cut all contact and don't look back.

Liam Byrne

I'm usually in favour of being in touch with exes, but in this case the urge to not be friends with an obnoxious manipulative tosser would take precedence.

I am a friend

Why are you giving this guy air time? It says more about you than him to be honest. Saying you are 'nice' is a cop out - we are all nice but most people don't set themselves up to be a punch bag.

LegacyUser

Thanks all - With regard to his digs - I honestly don't think they get to me. It's more like a child acting out - I stopped taking anything he said personally a while back - a switch went off in my head and it stopped getting to me - sometimes I think he's pushing and pushing to see how much it will take for it to get to me and if I were to say "I'm not being your friend any more" I think he would see that as a success, like he'd gotten to me or something? I'm not sure if that makes sense.

I think without realising I sometimes don't respond to his messages as soon as I probably used to and he sparks up Facebook conversations with me and sometimes I turn my computer off without saying goodbye....like I would anyone I'm not romantically involved with - it's not rude, it's facebook! - In the past I would have always fallen at his feet so I feel like I should just carry on like this as it's not causing any drama like "I don't want to be your friend" would but it would be nice to not have to listen to irrelevant crap about stuff that happened 7 years ago. I'd love to be able to say something to him to make him stop - and like not fall out with him.....which i think would cause weird speculation among our friends. I'm probably not making sense, it jjust feels tricky

Ickle Magoo

It's really not tricky - you block him on facebook, block his mobile number and get on with your life. Friends are supposed to be a positive influence in our life - what is the point of letting someone into your life who is toxic, manipulative and controlling? If anyone wants to know why you don't want him near you - tell them why, he's only doing what he's doing because you let him.

Cut him loose and your life will be all the better for it.

All the best.

rainbowtrout

brainfried wrote: »

Thanks all - With regard to his digs - I honestly don't think they get to me. It's more like a child acting out - I stopped taking anything he said personally a while back - a switch went off in my head and it stopped getting to me - sometimes I think he's pushing and pushing to see how much it will take for it to get to me and if I were to say "I'm not being your friend any more"

If they didn't get to you you wouldn't be posting about it here. This guy is a total waste of your time. If be was a friend he wouldn't treat you like this. Some exs you can stay on good terms with and some you can't. He falls into the latter category.

Stop giving him the attention he wants. You don't need to delete him from FB if you don't feel you can do that yet, just ignore his messages. Don't entertain him for one second. Don't reply to anything he posts or texts. He'll get the message.

Don't worry about what your friends think. Are you living your life to please them or please yourself? If one of them stopped talking to an ex you can be damn sure they're not worried about what you think of the situation.

brainfried

brainfried wrote: »

My frist serious boyfriend was a bit of an asshole to me. I was insecure and he was my frist serious boyfriend after years of thinking I'd never meet anyone who'd like me enough to go out with me.

We lasted just under 3 years - after the first year he broke up with me every 4 months or so, only to rekindle things about a month later. I absolutely worshiped the ground he walked on but the constant breaking up made me even more insecure and made it easier for him to treat me like dirt.

So - when we did break up he spent a year calling me everyday to talk about his problems and calling over for sex at the weekend, I was still really in love with him so found it very hard to move on but demanded that he stop contacting me - which he did, we have mutual friends so he would hear when I had new boyfriends and immeadiatley come back and do what he could to destroy it by leading me to believe we could get back together - though we never did.

Eventually, we both moved on and weirdly salvaged a friendship aftrer not talking for over a year - although now - 5 years after our last break up I can completely see how I let him treat me like dirt and how awful he was to take advantage of me feeling vulnerable (ultimately he broke up with me because I was suffering with bulimia and my attention seeking had hit new lows - quote). I have zero interest in ever being romantically or intimately involved with him again. Although I do on some levels love him as a person after all that time, I could never be in a relationship with him ever again.

I have a new boyfriend now and my ex will ask me about him - he'll say things like I am being naive and my bf is obviously doing the dirt on me, (based on him having an important work related meeting yesterday evening - valentines) and of course, my ex is just looking out for me!! He then went on to remind me about how I apparently used ot harrass him in to buying me flowers when we went out?! I was like - why are you even going there?

We've been to hell and back as a couple and I always thought it was nice we eventually found a friendship but I don't get why he's being so mean - this isn't the first time eiither. I recently went to his birthday drinks and the next day he texted me the next day slagging off my darkened eyebrows - it probably sounds weird but just loads of things - he's so mean to me and I'm really nice to him

Is there anything I can do to make him grow up or am I gonna have to tell him to **** off? At this stage I don't think I'd even care if I'd to shut him out again it just makes life awkward because we have a lot of shared mates

Wow....this guy is a serious asshole. You deserve better people around you then this complete and utter bully. Give him the two fingers and devote your life to those who deserve your love. If you leave this loser remain in your life in any capacity HE WILL erode every little bit of self esteem you have left. He sounds manipulative and controlling. Trying to make you paranoid that your current BF is cheating? :eek: He in on 4 or 5 yellow cards at this stage and is still putting in some dangerous tackles. Give him the red card and an early bath.

daisybelle2008

I am a friend wrote: »

Why are you giving this guy air time? It says more about you than him to be honest. Saying you are 'nice' is a cop out - we are all nice but most people don't set themselves up to be a punch bag.

^This by 1,000,000.

There is something wrong with you that you need to address. This has absolutely nothing to do with him. It is all about you.
Your standards for how 'friends' treat you is severely flawed. You really need to watch that. To be honest do be careful with your new relationship. You seem like you still put up with a lot more sh*t than is normal and you try far to hard to make a bad thing work and people please.

I can bet you a million dollars he does not treat other friends like that. Only the people who let him.

People treat you how you let them. It is your reponsibility to have some standards. I am curious is he the only 'friend' you accept bullying and insults from. If it is just him, I would say you are still not over him despite what you say.

lazygal

Cut him out of your life OP. I seriously don't understand why people maintain any contact with an ex, its a total waste of time. You owe thing guy nothing, i don't even know why you're telling him anything about your life. MOVE ON!

enceladus1

well it seems like yu gave him false hope when he wanted to be with yu ... yu shud not have let him come over for sex with out there being a commitment .. becaus it only hurts both of yu !! i dont believe people shud cut contact with exs becaus its horrible to be ignored and this person was a part of yur life there is no reason if yu just dint work that ye cant be civil. and if yu are happy wit this new person then good for yu but i can see why he wud be jealous of the new guy ... 3 years is a long time to expect him to just stop caring about yu or to just give up !! if i was in his shoes and my ex got a new girlfriend i doubt i wud be sround to annoy him i cud not handle that i wud have to move country or world or something but think about how yu wud feel if yu had not have found this new guy to take yur mind off the pain and yur ex was the one wit the girlfriend how wud yu feel ???