What's the polite thing to do?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

relatively small issue here that I'm struggling with, that others might be able to help me with. I've asked friends and family and gotten various comments, so it'd be interesting to see what you good folk have to say.

I am in my late 20s and work with adults returning to education. I mostly tutor people with reading and writing problems and the like. The school I work with casts a large net, and I get a huge variation of abilities, ages and backgrounds. Since I'm younger than them, I get a bit of hassle, but it's always just a bit of a laugh and it never offends me. But one of the students is a lovely guy and I've really taken a shine to him in a platonic way. He's married and has kids.

The issue here is that the student is also a bouncer to a well-known club in Dublin city. I go there the odd time; maybe once a month or so. Anytime I go there he lets me in for free and whoever I'm with. As it's a club, I'm usually a bit drunk going in, and very drunk leaving. It's a bit awkward that I'm drunk around him, but I laugh it off and I never do anything too silly. The problem I'm having is that he is doing such a nice thing by letting me in for free and making that effort. I no longer teach him as he's just preparing now for his mocks, so there is no longer a professional relationship. Since he's been so kind, should I possibly buy him a card and put a 20 euro note in it as a 'tip'? I feel like I should do something to thank him...

I have a night out in the club on Friday night, so it'd be great to know what to do before then!

Thanks!

Meow_Meow

No- there is no need to trouble yourself with this. Take it for what it was- a kind gesture for someone he was familiar with.

woodchuck

I wouldn't give him money, I think that comes off as inappropriate.

Just a good luck card would be nice? You don't want to go over the top and make him uncomfortable either, normally it's the student that thanks the teacher, not the other way around.

Nyan Cat

it might send mixed signals to the guy, at best he might be confused or uncomfortable. a thank you when he lets you in the club would do. or a "thanks, i appreciate it"

Miss Fluff

A gesture like that could be easily misread and the giving of money could be deemed slightly insulting as well no matter how well intentioned. I would just have a word with him and thank him very much indeed for his generosity to you and wish him the very best in his exams etc.

gud4u

Miss Fluff wrote: »

A gesture like that could be easily misread and the giving of money could be deemed slightly insulting as well no matter how well intentioned. I would just have a word with him and thank him very much indeed for his generosity to you and wish him the very best in his exams etc.

Do nothing, you taught him well and as his thanks he leaves you in free. It would be way to inappropriate and definatley mixed signals territory for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million, guys. I'm going to leave it - it'd be insulting. I was thinking of buying him a voucher for Mothercare as he recently had a new baby. I'm a male teacher, so it wouldn't be read as romantic, but I'm going to leave it regardless. I'll thank him next time I see him.

Thanks, guys!

Nyan Cat

bouncerbob wrote: »

Thanks a million, guys. I'm going to leave it - it'd be insulting. I was thinking of buying him a voucher for Mothercare as he recently had a new baby. I'm a male teacher, so it wouldn't be read as romantic, but I'm going to leave it regardless. I'll thank him next time I see him.

Thanks, guys!

He could still misread that.
But if you sorta know him there's no harm in getting a baby card with a small mother care voucher for the arrival rather than a thank you card. It's far less strange. It depends if you know him well enough to give them a baby gift.

ongarboy

mmmm, I'm not sure any sort of card, gift or other token is that appropriate really. Even though you've ended your teacher/student relationship, imagine he got chatting with other students and said "our teacher gave me a gift", it could create a whole conflict of interest type scenario that could land you in trouble if other students may perceive you were showing favouratism (even if none existed). I would recommend you thank him wholeheartedly the next time you visit the club for the free entries and verbally wish him the very best in the exams and on his pending baby arrival.

Tbh, I assumed you were a woman until your second post said you were a guy. I find it interesting that a presumably straight guy would use the phrase "I've taken a shine to him in a platonic way" about another straight guy. If you are not straight, then this raises more questions about your intentions imo.

The way I'm reading your posts suggests your liking is not that platonic as I feel you would not have this "Personal Issue" if you were not taking a "shine" to him. Forgive me if I'm off base here but that is how I'm picking this up.