dont know how to love my daughter

firezo

newbie here,

I am so worried I have 4 year old twin girls and ever since they were young, one of them (Twin A) simply drives me crazy

It's like she pushes all the wrong buttons all of the time and yet she's always telling me how much she loves me, which also gets to me....too much

I find it difficult to openly love her which I can't say about her sister whom I find it so easy to love openly....What is wrong with me???

Is Twin A going to resent me when I'm older? Is she going to have problems? Can I force myself to love her?

I SO don't know how to deal with this....isn't every mother supposed to love their children unconditionally?? like I love her sister and her 8 yr old brother

PLEASE someone tell me how to deal with this.... I don't want to ruin her life

Ickle Magoo

Hi there,

I see your thread in psychology was locked so I'll re-open this one...I'd ask you don't cross-post in the future.

We have a parenting forum too, if you want the thread moved there, just let one of the PI mods know.

All the best. :cool:

Curry Addict

We had a similar issue with our youngest. he continuously pushed everyones buttons and was very hard to bond with.
I tried many approches to help the situation.
It finally stopped when i did a combination of two things. I made him feel very special in a way he could really understand and value.
I avoided being negative towards him even when he was driving me mad and gave him tons of positive attention along with siding with him more often when conflicts arose with his sister who is close in age and like an angel.

in retrospect with 2 kids close in age, he had a big need to feel a little more special.
Hope this helps.

Nyan Cat

is it possible that twin b gets a lot more of the affection and attention, and twin a picks up on this. acts out, pushes buttons etc because thats how she knows how to get attention too?

i also wonder who twin b seen as more of the baby of the family? a middle child tends to feel left out in a family dynamic. partly because the expectations are on the eldest and the youngest is coddled as the baby. despite being a twin perhaps theres an element of middle child syndrone there too?....

i really have no idea how common it is for a parent to bond with one twin and not the other. but it doesnt sound crazy.

LegacyUser

It can affect a child. Children can sense when they are "less loved". Children growing up in such an environment may resent their other siblings and parents. There are some that may not be affected at all. We cannot speak for what will happen to Twin A until she gets older. Is it really worth waiting and hoping nothing happens? I suggest to make some changes in your household.

I empathise with you because I went through the same thing with my third son. He drove my husband and I mad most of the time, it almost got to the point I did not want him around! When I realised this and the fact I was less affectionate with him than with my other sons, I became terrified. I felt like a horrible evil mother so I decided to change a few things. My husband and I started by spending more alone time with him. We felt his bad behaviour was a cry for attention. It's hard to give attention when there are four sons but we had to incorporate into our routine. My alone time with this son was grocery shopping. He is the only one that goes grocery shopping with me. This is "our" bonding time. My husband's bonding time alone with him is taking him out to the pastry shop every Saturday morning while my other sons and I are still in bed. That is their time. When we started doing this we noticed this son's behaviour improved drastically. Now I love him being around and I am more openly affectionate with him. My husband and I decided to do this with our other boys. We have "our" special time with each of our sons. What it turns out is that kids crave attention from their parents; some more than others. Now that we make the time for each and every one of them we notice a whole world of difference. Try this with Twin A. Spend more alone time with her, a little extra attention and bonding is probably what she is asking for.

qwertytlk

I dont believe you dont love your child. Myabe because s/he is so different from the other twin and older child that the love is different. Obviously a well behaved quiet child is easy to get along with whereas a child who constantly demands attention and pushes your buttons will annoy you to a certain point. Your only human at the end of the day! I do think if this goes on it may cause problems later on though. Such as this child acting out when it gets older because it feels like the outsider, less loved than its siblings. So try as the the other post suggested to spend some time alone with this child. When it is just you and the child and there is no one else to take attention away from it then this child will probably behave much better, thus reinforcing your love for it as your time and energy wont be spend on their negative behaviour aand attention seeking. This should also help you to bond and then hopefully you will start to feel a little different and see some changes.
Beyond this im not reeally sure what to suggest apart from maybe counselling, if things dont start to improve.
i hope things start looking up for you soon. Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself.

qwertytlk

Hi,
I dont believe you dont love your child. Myabe because s/he is so different from the other twin and older child that the love is different. Obviously a well behaved quiet child is easy to get along with whereas a child who constantly demands attention and pushes your buttons will annoy you to a certain point. Your only human at the end of the day! I do think if this goes on it may cause problems later on though. Such as this child acting out when it gets older because it feels like the outsider, less loved than its siblings. So try as the the other post suggested to spend some time alone with this child. When it is just you and the child and there is no one else to take attention away from it then this child will probably behave much better, thus reinforcing your love for it as your time and energy wont be spend on their negative behaviour aand attention seeking. This should also help you to bond and then hopefully you will start to feel a little different and see some changes.
Beyond this im not reeally sure what to suggest apart from maybe counselling, if things dont start to improve.
i hope things start looking up for you soon. Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself.