Nightmare of missing child

LegacyUser

Two years ago the mother of my son disappeared with him. It took nigh on a year to track him down, and that was absolute hell. Bureaucrats shrugging their shoulders and reluctant to help. Friends and family grieving and sympathising and unable to help. Private investigators sucking my bank account dry and finding nothing. Judges eager to help, but their hands tied.

Through some random ingenuity and pure blind luck, they were found. After a short, painful court battle he was returned to Ireland. Cue a protracted custody battle since then. I now face the prospect of them moving back abroad with the Irish courts' blessing.

NOTE: No issues of abuse or neglect or ignoring my child's needs. His mum just upped and left, and now wants to leave again.

Three or four nights a week I have nightmares until I wake weeping.

Counselors helped me through his abduction and onwards, through the court battles. They all said the same thing: I was traumatised by the loss of my child, and still feel the effects of this war.

I don't want to lose him. I can't move over there as my qualifications are Irish-only. He has a great life with me. His grandparents on his mother's side are incredibly controlling and self-righteous--intent on separating me and my son.

Where do I find solace? I see him grin when I hold him, and he says I Love You, but not much else. He could have autism, but his mum lied to the HSE, claiming he spoke fine while he was abroad and only stopped when he came back here. (I visited so I know this is a lie.) So he could in fact be lacking the care and observation he needs / deserves.

I'm fighting battles to not only be a dad, but be the only parent taking proper care. I'd love full custody. Where do I go or what do I do to be at peace and to make my son safe and properly cared-for?

PS: I emailed Minister Shatter about the hell I've experienced in all of this and his office replied:

The Minister appreciates the difficulty and anxiety that this matter is
causing you. However, I must inform you that family law matters which have
been the subject of legal proceedings are outside the scope of the
Minister’s official functions and he cannot comment or intervene in any way
as the courts are, subject to the Constitution and the law, independent in
the exercise of their judicial functions.

So there you go. Even the dude in charge of the very laws that define the courts' powers, has shrugged and turned a blind eye. I am alone in this no matter what. My son will suffer the longer this battle goes on. And I just want to be his dad.

Jane Eyre

DoingMyBest wrote: »

Two years ago the mother of my son disappeared with him. It took nigh on a year to track him down, and that was absolute hell. Bureaucrats shrugging their shoulders and reluctant to help. Friends and family grieving and sympathising and unable to help. Private investigators sucking my bank account dry and finding nothing. Judges eager to help, but their hands tied.

Through some random ingenuity and pure blind luck, they were found. After a short, painful court battle he was returned to Ireland. Cue a protracted custody battle since then. I now face the prospect of them moving back abroad with the Irish courts' blessing.

NOTE: No issues of abuse or neglect or ignoring my child's needs. His mum just upped and left, and now wants to leave again.

Three or four nights a week I have nightmares until I wake weeping.

Counselors helped me through his abduction and onwards, through the court battles. They all said the same thing: I was traumatised by the loss of my child, and still feel the effects of this war.

I don't want to lose him. I can't move over there as my qualifications are Irish-only. He has a great life with me. His grandparents on his mother's side are incredibly controlling and self-righteous--intent on separating me and my son.

Where do I find solace? I see him grin when I hold him, and he says I Love You, but not much else. He could have autism, but his mum lied to the HSE, claiming he spoke fine while he was abroad and only stopped when he came back here. (I visited so I know this is a lie.) So he could in fact be lacking the care and observation he needs / deserves.

I'm fighting battles to not only be a dad, but be the only parent taking proper care. I'd love full custody. Where do I go or what do I do to be at peace and to make my son safe and properly cared-for?

PS: I emailed Minister Shatter about the hell I've experienced in all of this and his office replied:

The Minister appreciates the difficulty and anxiety that this matter is
causing you. However, I must inform you that family law matters which have
been the subject of legal proceedings are outside the scope of the
Minister’s official functions and he cannot comment or intervene in any way
as the courts are, subject to the Constitution and the law, independent in
the exercise of their judicial functions.

So there you go. Even the dude in charge of the very laws that define the courts' powers, has shrugged and turned a blind eye. I am alone in this no matter what. My son will suffer the longer this battle goes on. And I just want to be his dad.

In fairness to the Minister, what did you want him to do? He legally cannot intervene in a court case and there'd be war if he did.
You sound like you're extremely stressed. Perhaps talk to your GP about your anxiety attacks. Medication these days is good for allowing you to see the big picture.
Unfortunately, in most cases, custody is awarded to the mother. That may not be fair in your case, but it's a fact. I would suggest that you do everything in your power to get on with her, in order to keep up some kind of access to your child.
I'm sure your child loves you and his mum, but the best thing for him is what's at stake. Weigh up the odds and put him first and work out whether you are really fit enough and prepared for a custody battle that could end so acrimoniously that the mother takes the child out of the jurisdiction and then denies you access subsequently.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Jane Eyre wrote: »

In fairness to the Minister, what did you want him to do? He legally cannot intervene in a court case and there'd be war if he did.
You sound like you're extremely stressed. Perhaps talk to your GP about your anxiety attacks. Medication these days is good for allowing you to see the big picture.
Unfortunately, in most cases, custody is awarded to the mother. That may not be fair in your case, but it's a fact. I would suggest that you do everything in your power to get on with her, in order to keep up some kind of access to your child.
I'm sure your child loves you and his mum, but the best thing for him is what's at stake. Weigh up the odds and put him first and work out whether you are really fit enough and prepared for a custody battle that could end so acrimoniously that the mother takes the child out of the jurisdiction and then denies you access subsequently.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

I asked the minister about the laws, not specifically my case. I explained that automatic granting of rights to both parents would defuse many potential conflicts before they start, but he simply is not interested in giving credence to non-traditional family setups, to the detriment of children.

I have joint custody and joint guardianship and one out of two weekends.

I think you'll see it became acrimonious when she did take him out the first time.

CBT works better than medication, but I'm dealing with a real-time problem with real-world stresses, not an internal psychological glitch. I don't need balancing, I need peace of mind and hope.

Thanks though for reading.

fits

I have nothing very helpful to say. Have you contact with any fathers rights groups?

My heart goes out to you OP, it really does

Jane Eyre

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to suggest that you had a psych problem at all, just that you can get help for anxiety and sleepless nights.
I'm not sure what your letter to the Minister said, but it seems he misunderstood it, as he is saying he can't get involved in your case. Its a very disappointing response.
Is there any way things could be easier between you and the mum? Is she always that unreasonable? Could you sit down and tell her how much you love your son or do you think she is using him to punish you?
Therre are a few organizations out there for Fathers Rights and I'm sure they'd be happy to help you. Whatever happens, good luck!

Diddler1977

I feel for you OP.

However, I also feel for the mother of your son.

It is very difficult for parents of a child when they split.

When one parent wants to move out of the country it is very difficult on them if their partner refuses to let them leave because they want the child to stay in the country.

Who has more of an entitlement to where they get to live? The mother or the father?

Perhaps shared custody could be worked out with the child living 6 months of the year with each parent?

OUTOFSYNC

Will the fact that she took the child in the first place without any regard for the child's relationship with you not go against her in custody?

It should but the courts can be very cruel to fathers (and therefore children).


Do you have a good solicitor? How far away is her family?

It is horrific what has happened to you and what you are going through.

LegacyUser

To DoingMyBest,

As a mother, I was saddened to read your thread. The law needs to change here and allow good fathers the opportunity and rights of full custody. In this world, there are just as many good fathers and sometimes better ones than some mothers out there. For the court to allow this to happen is really beyond belief. I do agree that divorce can be stressful for both parents and whatever children they may have and add the foreign spouse who wants to return home to the equation can turn disastrous. However, your ex's actions imho, constitutes kidnapping. I am surprised that she was not even arrested! I am a foreign wife here and if things were not to work out between my husband and I; I would never pack up and leave with the children. I cannot believe some do this. To me this is being malicious, cruel and selfish. I believe children need their fathers just as much as their mothers.

I am shocked and even frightened that she was able to leave without your consent. My husband and I always write a letter of consent when one of us are going abroad with our children alone.

Are you able to talk with your ex about this without lawyers? Did she seem accomodating or trustworthy? If she is not willing to work with you than I suggest you be prepared and informed. From your wife's previous behaviour you need to be vigilant. BTW, does your son have a second passport? If so, it is probably best that your lawyer contacts that embassy and notify them at once that there is a custody battle going on. Learn about child abduction laws or non compliant custodial agreements from your wife's country of origin. In case there are not any laws that protect the other parent (you) because of your nationality or sex argument may hopefully work in your favour. Learn about your rights and the custodial laws of her country. What happens if she is not compliant? Will the authorities in her country be willing to help you? In the meantime if she is keen on leaving and considering her past behaviour, can they confiscate your wife's passport(s) or even your son's passport(s) until this issue is resolved? Make sure your son is not on his mother's passport in case they only take his. What about father advocacy groups? Going to the news? These are suggestions popping in my head.

As far as providing for your child, I am sure you will do a fine job. You have family that can help you out and there are so many resources for single parents. I pray for you and hope to dear God that this mother's previous actions are taken into account and that you would be granted custody. Good luck xx