Tempted

LegacyUser

With my bf 9 years, living together. Have gotten into a rut. He has no interest in me and although we get on well, I feel almost like I'm a nuisance to him. I've tried to reignite the passion, have done all the usual things but nothing.

Then recently a guy in work (here we go) has started paying me some attention and I am loving it. I'm completely vulnerable to this right now and have started pathetically looking forward to work so that I get some attention. I'm also starting to have feelings for this guy although if I'm honest with myself I'm not that attracted to him.

I love my bf. I know he loves me. But it's stale and I feel tired of always being the one to try and make things better. My bf is going through a hard time at the moment so I feel even worse feeling this way.

what shoudl i do?

Pebbles68

Stay away from the guy in work. It's lovely to have someone flirt and pay you attention but it's only going to wreck your head even more. Talk to your OH tell him how you feel. Let him know you are trying to rekindle the passion. WHat usual things have you done? I know my OH is so dumb sometimes that an obvious come on goes over his head!

Work on your existing relationship. If it can't be saved then so be it, then move on when you are ready. Don't allow your head be turned by someone you are not attracted to just because you are feeling vulnerable.

BraziliaNZ

Go with your gut. If you're not happy now it probably wont improve anytime soon. The new guy will give you the spark you crave but there might be a bit of fallout with the current bf if you leave. Do whatever feels right.

Squiggler

The fact that your tempted says much more about your current relationship than it does about this co-worker.

If you decide to end your current relationship the last thing you should do is jump into another relationship. Having invested 10 years of your life in this one you should spend time single, figuring out what it is that you need in a relationship, exploring interests and activities you maybe couldn't when in a relationship.

First talk to your current boyfriend. If you both want to work on things then that relationship has a chance.

Best of luck.

BraziliaNZ

Squiggler wrote: »

The fact that your tempted says much more about your current relationship than it does about this co-worker.

If you decide to end your current relationship the last thing you should do is jump into another relationship. Having invested 10 years of your life in this one you should spend time single, figuring out what it is that you need in a relationship, exploring interests and activities you maybe couldn't when in a relationship.

First talk to your current boyfriend. If you both want to work on things then that relationship has a chance.

Best of luck.

Most relationships that old have been over for a long time before they officially end. Lots of good relationships have come about from a different one ending.

fungun

Separate the 2 issues.

Doing anything with this guy is a bad idea no matter what. Even now you know you are not attracted to him, he is just a symptom of your unhappiness - so address that first. If your OH's hard time is temporary than do nothing for now and when he is out of it, talk to him about how you feel and that you feel vulnerable to other mens attention because you are unhappy, even though you have done nothing wrong. Then that leads to a case whether you either address your relationship issues or you move on.

Squiggler

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Lots of good relationships have come about from a different one ending.

Not from my observation or experience (they're normally referred to as rebounds and almost universally short lived)... and I don't get the impression that the OP thinks that this co-worker is the love of her life, if he was then it might be a possibility.

I do think that following the end of such a long relationship taking time to enjoy being free and single is very important, I've been there.

Miss Fluff

feelingneglected wrote: »

With my bf 9 years, living together. Have gotten into a rut. He has no interest in me and although we get on well, I feel almost like I'm a nuisance to him. I've tried to reignite the passion, have done all the usual things but nothing.

Sounds to me like you may be flogging a dead horse. Are you willing to open a conversation about the future of your relationship with your BF? It's possible to still love someone but realise that it's dead in the water - a painful process but necessary if there is genuinely no future together.

I'd forget all about this other guy at work for now. Sure you could get involved but it won't actually solve what's happening at home so maybe that's something you need to address first and then you'll be free to pursue whatever you want.

Fea.

OP, its very possible to love your OH, which you obviously do, but being 'in love' with him is a very different thing. Like Fungun said, you need to seperate the two issues.

You said, the guy thats making you feel good about yourself is making you run into work. Wouldn't it be lovely to say, the guy at home waiting for you makes you want to run home?

fungun wrote: »

Separate the 2 issues.

Doing anything with this guy is a bad idea no matter what. Even now you know you are not attracted to him, he is just a symptom of your unhappiness - so address that first. If your OH's hard time is temporary than do nothing for now and when he is out of it, talk to him about how you feel and that you feel vulnerable to other mens attention because you are unhappy, even though you have done nothing wrong. Then that leads to a case whether you either address your relationship issues or you move on.

I completely agree with this statement. Nicely put too Fungun.
OP, your unhappy, its up to you to make yourself happy again hun.
Best of luck xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I have spoken to my bf about this numerous times and it improves slightly for a while and then we're back to the normal doom and gloom. Work is an escape for me and this guy is a friend, who i've started seeing in a new light.

i know it could never work for me and this guy in work but it doesn't stop me from being infatuated with him. I know logically that its because i don't feel any love/attention from my bf and i wish i was strong enough to not let that turn my head towards others but i'm not.

i don't know what to do. I know i paint a bleak picture of my bf but when things are good, they are very good between us. He's my best friend. I still fancy him (more than the other guy, weirdly enough). But i'm just getting tired of being the one who always seems to want things to get better and i feel like if i say it anymore he'll just be like 'lets forget it'. And i fear that i may agree with him but i really don't want to break up.

I am a friend

You don't want to break up and you want your bf to change. You have repeatedly spoken to him about your unhappiness and he is either unwilling or unable to change so you are stuck - you either need to put up and shut up or break up. you say you dont want to talk to him again or break up so what can people tell you?!?!?!?

Miss Fluff

feelingneglected wrote: »

But i'm just getting tired of being the one who always seems to want things to get better and i feel like if i say it anymore he'll just be like 'lets forget it'. And i fear that i may agree with him but i really don't want to break up.

To me that's one pretty gargantuan elephant you got in the room with you right there hon isn't it? Seems like you're in a relationship stalemate and are afraid to initiate the conversation for fear of where it will lead. I think that is understandable when you still love someone and have a shared history but also trying to come to terms when the end is nigh, it's a painful place to be. I know I have grieved for a relationship while still in it and then felt enormous relief when I finally plucked up the courage to call it a day. All I'd say is you are with this man NINE YEARS. Are you willing to hang on another nine years and there be no improvement? If not then you really need to start considering a future without this man and taking control of your life as it seems evident neither of you are particularly happy. And please forget about this other guy at work for now, your priority now is sorting out this dysfunctional relationship rather than getting involved with someone you're not even interested in and cause you further head fcuks.

LegacyUser

Wow I could have written this myself. With my boyfriend nine years, since we were quite young and started to feel bored with the relationship, undervalued, taken for granted. It didn't help that I lost my job and felt that he was unsupportive and made no effort to understand how it felt to unsuccessfully trawl through jobs pages all day every day and rely on him to finance me as I did. When this was proving fruitless, I returned to college to enhance my qualifications, choosing a year long course.

Around this time I met a guy, in the same situation as me, back in college studying a similar topic, fed up with his situation in general and we became friends. We got on very well, shared a similar sense of humour and he always seemed delighted to see me. On the flip side my boyfriend seemed to be cross with me a lot of the time, was making it more apparent that he resented me not contributing financially and made me feel like a general nuisance.

I guess you can predict what happened next and I'm pleading with you not to do the same. I've spent the past year carrying on another relationship behind my boyfriends back and all it's done is made our situation worse. Instead of sitting down and facing up to the bad turn my relationship was taking and attempting to fix it or end it if that wasn't possible, I've put all my energy into carrying on a second relationship. Yesterday it hit me like a bus, my relationship had suffered further in the year I had my head in the sand and I'm not sure it's salvagable at all now. Not only because I've brought deceit into it, but because I've allowed us to grow further apart. Yesterday, I ended my affair. I'm aware of how despicable I am for having an affair in the first place and really hate myself for my actions, but none the less I am now dealing with the grief of losing two relationships.

It will not be different for you. Ignore this other man and deal with you and your partners relationship only. Don't over-complicate the situation.

Podgers

from my own experience it seems to be have ran it course.

1. you have talked to your partner and explained how you feel, he is not going to change and things are going to go back the way they are again. Have you made it clear how you feel? Is there any issues to suggest why he doesn't seem to be interested or loose interest? have ye both talked of what you both want from the relationship?

I find it very hard to see how you are going to get what you want from this relationship if he is not going to meet you half way. he doesn't seem to be interested in making it work. maybe take a break for awhile to see what you both.

2. for this guy you get on with at work, its more of a distraction from what's really going on with your relationship. 9 years is a very long time to be with someone, and if you start a relationship with him you will quiet possibly compare it to your last, even though it has been stale for awhile, you will feel fine for a bit and then it will catch up.

if its not working out is your only option but take time to get over the past and get to know yourself first.

fungun

I wouldnt lose faith just yet OP. But I do think you need to communicate really really clearly.

There is a big difference between your OH coming and saying she is unhappy about something, and your OH presenting you with a problem with a very clear understanding that if this isnt resolved she will leave. I think before making a decision you need to do the latter so he gets how important this is to you.

I have just seen in the past relns break up and one partner is kind of blankly slowly coming to the understanding that their OH really was that unhappy. Knowing you have given it every shot/given him every chance will help the break up be a clean one also.....what you dont want is him coming back after you have broken up pleading his case that he can change or that he didnt realise how much it meant to you.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do