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Not fully connected to this world/life

  • 14-02-2012 11:51pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm not sure why I am typing this. Probably because its something I could never explain fully to someone's face.

    I'm not really sure how to type this either.

    When I was a baby I came close to death. I was dying. It got to the stage where it was pretty much a given that I was going to die but things suddenly turned around. I came back.

    I don't think I ever fully came back though. I don't think I was supposed to.

    All my life, I have been largely disconnected. My mind is all most always away off somewhere else to various degrees in nearly every waking moment.

    I don't feel the need to live life the way others do, nothing motivates me. I am utterly uninvolved in the world around me. I am more of an observer than a participant in life. But unfortunately the world does not work that way and society forces one to "live".

    I get through life by keeping myself distracted and putting on an act to try and fit in socially. The years are passing by fast these days.

    I will come across as dosey, forgetful, unaware and socially awkward to others.

    Due to my state of existence, happiness is not something I achieve often. I am largely unhappy but most of the time I am able to keep myself distracted enough to not be consumed by it. It is hard to distract myself when trying to sleep however.

    Roughly once a year or two I will lose a grip - and the overwhelming feeling of not belonging here becomes harder to bare.

    I first attempted to leave this world when I was a young boy. 9/10/11.

    Attempted is not the correct word. Experimented would be better.

    I climbed out on to my window ledge and faced my own mortality. Then change my mind at the last minute.

    I would try again a number of times before I became a teenager.

    I felt strangely calm and in control when standing out on my bedroom window ledge. I remember standing upright and hitting my head off the top part of the window ledge (not sure how to describe it, the top of concrete indent on the outside of a window..)

    My feet were longer then the ledge I was standing on and there was nothing to hold on to but I had complete control at all times , never lost balance. It was strange, and I know if I went out there now I would easily slip and fall.

    "Suicide" has been something I have contemplated and thought about through out my entire life. Often in a very matter of fact way. Sometimes in more darker moments of life.

    I don't consider myself suicidal though. As I am unable to do it.

    Despite my disconnection from life around me, I have always been fascinated by humanity itself. History , world events, the future. As well as human interactions and social interactions with each other.

    I would like to see the world in 2050.

    Then there's the fact that I find it difficult to self harm. My body still has its inbuilt survival instincts.

    It would probably destroy my mother.

    I think the rest of my family could handle it.

    I'm generally able to keep myself from thinking of such things. I bury myself video games. Have a small group of good friends.

    I've been lucky in that, I've not gotten many hard hits in life that others may get that will send them to deep depression.

    My parents did go through a horrible divorce, life at home for a good few years was very stressful. It hit me but not too hard really. Due to being so disconnected and heavily distracted.

    Otherwise not had horrible life nightmare scenarios like death, abuse or anything at all. I probably would not handle any of that well.

    School was hard as I was never really 'there'. Eventually I got very depressed and dropped out.

    Went back again and nearly dropped out again. But just scrapped a pass in a leaving cert I didn't study for.

    Still I managed to float through further education and then eventually float through university. I got myself a degree some how and am now working full time.

    I work with some really nice people. People I'm glad I have met.

    I 'should' be happy. But I'm still not part of this world. Still must keep up an act. Still goalless and unmotivated. I've hit yet another period of extreme depression and dissociation with life at a time where, for once I can't simply blame it on whatever stressful exam or whatever that's happening.

    I think about "suicide" every day, since October. Its harder when I'm not in work. Harder to keep myself distracted. The holidays were very low for me. I have never been able to connect with another person romantically. I think my inbuilt human need to find a partner is sabotaging any potential happiness I may have. Happiness I need to have to put up with this existence or lack there of, so I can get to see 2050.

    I could easily be content with never having romance in my life if I could switch off my human need for it.

    I'm finding it very hard to type further. I'm going to leave it for now.


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