I just want to be content in life

LegacyUser

Basically im a 34 year old male and i have a load of issues im not happy with in my life, I cant really put my finger on why but im very immature for my age, it seems like I have no self worth and no self respect or the kop on I should have at my age, here is a list of things about my life that depress me

1.im 22 stone
2.I have never had a girlfriend
3.I am really bad with money and live from paycheck to paycheck(despite having a good job)
4.I have very few friends and I can sense people dont have the same respect for me as they do for others
5.I cant drive
6.I drink too much in a non social environment(at home)

One of the reasons I think may be the cause of my problems is because my parents especially my Mother treated me and the rest of my brothers ansd sisters like children all the way up to adulthood, I dont blame her as it was done out of love plus she was taken out of school very young and had a very rough childhood.

Another thing I dont like about myself is that I have a very immature personality, I say things without thinking about it and can come across as simple

The one thing that I can give myself credit for is that I have been able to hold down a very good/responsible job that pays well but at 34 as I head into middle age I have this panic that its all down hill from here on in and that the habbits I have developed are irreversible

I was at an event recently where I met alot of friends of friends and most of the guys are in shape have nice girlfriends and are very confident and pretty much happy with their current status in life

Regarding the losing weight is concerned, I KNOW exactly what to do its just having to willpower to do it

pragmatic1

Chin up sir. You have a good job which is something a good proportion of the population would love. In addition, all the things you have issues with are within your power to change if you want.

Miss Fluff

I just want to be content in life wrote: »

1.im 22 stone
2.I have never had a girlfriend
3.I am really bad with money and live from paycheck to paycheck(despite having a good job)
4.I have very few friends and I can sense people dont have the same respect for me as they do for others
5.I cant drive
6.I drink too much in a non social environment(at home)

Every single one of these elements in your life that are getting you down are all within your power to change and some are actually interlinked so if you tackle one, some others will fall into place.

For example, if you lose some weight it will make you more confident and you will find it easier to forge new friendships and relationships.

Likewise if you learn to drive and get yourself on the road you will be less inclined to drink as much if you're the designated driver, this in turn (cutting out the booze) will help you lose weight.

So rather than viewing your life as one big collective mess (and it's not, you've a good job, you are obviously intelligent) why don't you tackle a couple of core issues and take it from there? Set yourself goals - so by June promise yourself you will have lost 2-3lbs a week and have passed your driver theory test for example?

Also, you say you don't blame your mother but you clearly do and that's something you need to snap out of it. Her being overprotectice of you is not directly responsible for your problems so the moment you realise that and take responsibility for your OWN life and your own problems you will be on the path to improvement.

wylo

1.im 22 stone

Seriously, no one here can help you with that. You know what to do.

2.I have never had a girlfriend

You cant do much about the past so no point even thinking about it. You still have 50/60 years of your life to do something interesting and better with.
NOW, first , chill, work on yourself, as opposed to labeling "having a girlfriend" as the thing thats supposed to make you happy. Deal with that later.
Lets call a spade a spade here, you wont have much success in the self pitying overweight, unorganized state you are in now.
You WILL when you start to truly believe you are changing from the inside.

3.I am really bad with money and live from paycheck to paycheck(despite having a good job)

write a plan, start saving, enjoy your money ,but dont waste it.

5.I cant drive

So you blow all your money, why dont you invest some of it in lessons.
5 lessons in a teachers car should be enough to get you to at a point where you could pass a test, not sure if you have to have a provisional license for a while first though. If you dont have one get one.

6.I drink too much in a non social environment(at home)

Thats because you are trying to avoid the other issues. Deal with them and you probably wont be as inclined to drink as much. Unless you are becoming a full blow alcoholic of course, if thats the case go to AA.


Listen, facing your crap isnt easy, really, it isnt. But generally something good that isnt easy is very very very rewarding.

I always had a chronic fear of public speaking, to a point where I would get mild mental panic attacks right before it, what did I do? join toastmasters and faced up to my fear. It was absolutely horrible, I spent the whole day dreading going in the first day, but I kept reminding myself second by second that its about the bigger picture, wanting to improve.

Im not writing that to show off, im writing that as an example of how you've to trundle through the crap first before you see improvement.

The question is,
Are you

1. Gonna read all this stuff, nod along semi inspired, go back to work, begin to lose interest , go home , drink some more, not do a tap at all about any of the issues you complained about , not even reply here, and 2 weeks down the line be tempted to post something new because you are feeling down again?

2 Read all this stuff, get motivated, begin to work on your problems, even make some small progress, but then 2/3 weeks later begin to fall back, get slightly lazy, come up with an increasing amount of excuses until you eventually end up right back where you were 6 months down the line?

or
3 Read this stuff, get motivated, deal with your issues, 3 weeks later notice the temptation to fall back, read this thread again, push yourself further , increase your hard work not decrease it, become a good driver, start to get really organized money wise, start to physically see weight coming off, start to notice that you dont have time to drink a can or 2 because you are after doing a ton of weights and a long jog, and you would rather watch a bit of TV for half an hour and go to bed rather than drink.
And one year later find that you couldnt even possibly go back to way you were, and even get personally confident and cheeky enough to ask a girl out, or even just sign yourself up to some online dating thing or something?

I hope its 3.
Best of luck man.
Heres my advice, its 2012, treat this year like the worst year your going to have in your life , in terms of pain, facing your crap, getting yourself together.
Every time you feel lazy remind yourself its 2012 and this is the year that you are actually changing yourself, because if you dont you will continue the way you are for another decade, or 2 , or 3.

wylo

One last bit of advice, dont judge yourself on the results of your actions, judge yourself on whether you acted or not in the first place.

going un-reg

The advice here is good OP, I'd listen to it.

Just something to add that hasn't been mentioned. You mentioned that at a recent event, you saw other people your age that seemed to have it all, in shape, a great girlfriend etc.

The reality of this is very much the opposite. No matter how well together a person is, or seems to be, they're not. Those who have the advantages of good looks, a good car etc are undoubtingly dealing with their own issues also, but they're just good at hiding it.

I used to think the same, that everyone but me who seemed happy, were genuinely happy with everything. Time has told me otherwise. Just know that the contrast between yourself and other people isn't as finite as it seems, that you can easily achieve what they have, it's all down to will power at the end of the day.

I hope you get yourself sorted.

Lorddrakul

All good things said here mate, and hopefully will be of use to you.

I'd add something very small, but has helped me now end.

In my youth I was fit, I cycled hundreds of miles a week.

Then I got fat and stayed that way for a long time.

Then I started running. Cheap flat runners was all I got in a sale and a free app on my phone that prompted me to run for a minute and then walk and repeat.

I now run 5-6k every second day.

The sense of achievement is mad and the weight reduces steadily so that you don't feel it's that much of an effort.

It makes you sleep better, it makes you feel generally better and it makes you feel better about yourself. It makes you feel you're in control.

So it costs bugger all, it's easy to get started and the roads and footpaths, are, as yet, free.

Just my tuppence worth.

LD

santana75

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Also, you say you don't blame your mother but you clearly do and that's something you need to snap out of it. Her being overprotectice of you is not directly responsible for your problems so the moment you realise that and take responsibility for your OWN life and your own problems you will be on the path to improvement.

I think the OP has a valid point here. An overprotective mother can have very real lasting implications for children that they take right into adulthood. So I think the OP has a right to call a spade a spade. Having said that theres nothing he can do to change the past, it happened and whatever the fallout from his mothers mistakes are, he now has to deal with them.
OP Im not talking about playing the victim here, Im talking about recognising why you are the way you are, which you seem to have done, and then being understanding with yourself but at the same time making conscious efforts to change. It needs to be one piece at a time because right now you seem to be overwhelmed by all the things you feel you need to sort out. That list of things about your life is something I'd challenge the validity of. I mean what has being able to drive got to do with your happiness? It seems like you see things that other people do or have and come to the conclusion that these things constitute a grown up or some measure of personal worth. You're doing a lot of comparing and thats a fools game because you dont know the ins and outs of peoples lives. Those guys you met who looked in good shape and had girlfriends, you imagined they were happy but you dont know that for sure. You're putting them up high and yourself down low. Based on what criteria? Any one of those guys could be cruel to animals, a thief, a liar, somebody who cheats on his wife/girlfriend, somebody who would sell their own mother to get ahead, they could be miserable in their lives for whatever reason......the point is you dont know, you're making assumptions and using a warped criteria to judge your worth. Do yourself a favor, sit down with a pen and piece of paper and ask yourself what really matters to you, not what you think society will value you for but what you place genuine value on. If you'd like to drive a car because you're sick of public transport, fair enough, learn how to drive. But stop using whether you operate a machine made out of metal, rubber and glass as a measure of your worth.

You know yourself that the weight issue needs to be addressed, you even say you know what to do. But do you really? Its not just about a healthy eating plan and exercise, if it was there'd be no obese people in the world. The physical stuff is about 10% of the problem, the emotional/psychological stuff is 90%. You need to understand and deal with the reasons why you eat the way you eat. In general people that have a severe weight problem eat to comfort themselves, food is their defensive mechansim against feeling painful feelings like loneliness, hopelessness or loss. You can have the best eating and exercise plan in the world but its useless unless you deal with the things that drive you to over eat. I can tell you one thing for sure, beating up on yourself for not driving or having a girlfriend is definitely driving you to food and drink for comfort. That ****s gotta end. Forget what anybody else has or doesnt have. Put the blinkers on and concentrate on your life, nobody elses. You have to do things because you want to, not because other people do those things. You have to be internally driven by your own value system.
Knock the booze on the head aswell, its making things a lot worse than they need to be. Start looking inward and facing up to your issues because I guarantee you a car wont make you happy, even having a girlfriend wont make you happy.

wylo

solid advice ^^^

gud4u

All really good advice there. Having recognised what most of your issues are and more importantly a grasp of why, as you're obviously intelligent, and smart enough to have a good responsisible job.

Change something small every week and be glad you have the money to get some of the practical things like driving lessons.

I think the biggest mistakes we make is judging ourselves aginst others achievements and opinions. I have to say i've taken some of the above advice on board myself.

Please try and concentrate on waht you have got going. Once you lose the weight you'll be healthier.

The Health and Nutrition board here is really good and you'll get practical advice there to.

Best of luck, now that you have started talking the talk, get a pair of trainers and walk the walk.:)

peter barrins

This post has been deleted.

mikemac1

I just want to be content in life wrote: »

1.im 22 stone
2.I have never had a girlfriend
3.I am really bad with money and live from paycheck to paycheck(despite having a good job)
4.I have very few friends and I can sense people dont have the same respect for me as they do for others
5.I cant drive
6.I drink too much in a non social environment(at home)

You're holding down a good job, you're clearly doing something right

You have have that job, you're very aware of your situation and the post is well written, you are an intelligent guy

But you're lousy at taking action, hey you'd say this yourself

Paralysis by analysis OP
I'd bet you read lots about fitness and know all the best info but you don't do anything with it

Everything on your list can be changed by you.
But we all need a helping hand and sometimes a kick in the ass

Just on the weight, ask around and get a personal trainer. Fifty quid or so an hour, maybe more. You'd save that money if you knocked the drinking.
Accountability is a great thing and a personal trainer will be taking an interest in you, they are paid to get you results

Print that list, take an hour to sit by yourself in a park or somewhere quiet and take action on every single one.
Find a trainer, book a driving lesson, make a call on every one.
Might be a bit early for speed dating for you but it's good craic and a way to get out of your shell and have a laugh with new people. Throw yourself in the deep end
You have to push yourself now OP, if you "leave until tomorrow", well I'll be reading your post here again in a years time with no progress