she want another child,i dont and i want the snip

LegacyUser

needed to go un reg for this
im 36,married for 8yrs and two boys 3 & 6yrs old,and basically she wants a third and i dont,
when we first got together we'd talk about these things and ive always told her i didnt want anymore than 2 kids,
but the usual "ahh sure we'll see" or if it came up in conversation with her family members or in a group she always got the "dont worry sure you'll change his mind" from them and im standing there infront of them thinking "eh no she wont cause i dont want anymore",
she comes from a slightly bigger family than mine and the family relationships would be at polar opposites (my mum and dad seperated and i basically had to fend for myself from the end of primary school onwards),
she has gone from saying she just want a girl to "i want just one more",and lately her reasoning is she wants another is before she hits 40 (the 40 bit is just being lazy because i dont know of any woman that can turn her emotions off at the strike of an age),
its like she keeps moving the goalposts and she cant understand why i dont want anymore
im happy with what ive got,2 great kids......things and are settling down with them growing up thats it plain and simple,some couples perfer more.. i dont,
she keeps telling me im being selfish and if i loved her that much id grant her this one thing,
but how am i selfish if we have two kids already,????
i want to get the snip(dont worry ive being thinking about it for at least 9mths so its not being done on a whim),and if i get it done im making the decision for the both of us and her reasons dont come into it,
ill admit im not the most hands on guy when it comes to kids/family,she has to tell me several times to do some things with the kids or around the house
now the tension is getting so strong (even after the arguments)something is going to snap(my marraige),
right now i havnt been working for the last 3yrs and im barely able to keep to mortgage afloat so it doesnt help things
im sorry to any girls reading this who take offence to this next remark,
i cant afford another child,and even if i won the euro millions i still wouldnt want anymore kids,but i wont use that reason because its not reason for not havin more kids,
what can i do ????
thanks for taking the time to read this

meganj

nomorekids wrote: »

when we first got together we'd talk about these things and ive always told her i didnt want anymore than 2 kids

So you've told her from the beginning that two was your maximum?

nomorekids wrote: »

lately her reasoning is she wants another is before she hits 40 (the 40 bit is just being lazy because i dont know of any woman that can turn her emotions off at the strike of an age)

I imagine this has to do with hormonal changes and the risks to mother and child of having a child over 40.

nomorekids wrote: »

she keeps telling me im being selfish and if i loved her that much id grant her this one thing

I think this is emotional blackmail Op and you should knock it on it's head immediately.

nomorekids wrote: »

i want to get the snip(dont worry ive being thinking about it for at least 9mths so its not being done on a whim),and if i get it done im making the decision for the both of us and her reasons dont come into it

I understand that you want to get the snip, but I think such a decision if taken without honestly consulting your wife, will do more damage then your refusal to have more children. That's not judging you, I understand that you must be frustrated, your body your choice etc etc, but from what you've said here about your wife I don't think she's going to see it like this, I think she will probably see it as you going behind her back.

nomorekids wrote: »

now the tension is getting so strong (even after the arguments)something is going to snap(my marriage),
right now i havnt been working for the last 3yrs and im barely able to keep to mortgage afloat so it doesnt help things... i cant afford another child,and even if i won the euro millions i still wouldn't want anymore kids...

I edited that section of your post OP just in case your wondering what happened. Have you said this to her? Not just about the money but the pressure that this is putting on your relationship?

TBH OP I think your best bet here is to seek marriage counseling. You are both clearly unwilling to agree, and I understand that, but if your wife is still pressuring you, and using what I would see as emotional blackmail, that's a clear indicator to me that you need outside help. Perhaps if you saw a marriage counsellor, either together or separate you would be able to hash this out.

I don't think it's in anyone's interest for either of you to make a decision without first seeking help from someone to mediate between the two of you, otherwise you run the risk of resentment building up.

For the record you have my sympathy OP it seems to me like you have been upfront about your desire for children, and due to your conflicting backgrounds she obviously feels that another child will be better. Unfortunately this is one of the few times in a relationship where either side refuses to compromise, which is why i'm advising outside help.

Squiggler

I don't think you're being selfish. You have made it clear from the outset that you didn't want more than two children. It seems that she has been hoping you would change your mind.

I'm guessing you have both discussed this until you are blue in the face, but if you haven't then that might be a starting point. You need to ask her to understand that your "No more" is not negotiable. Does she know you're considering the snip?

On the other hand, just as one more might be a dealbreaker for you, it seems that she really does want another, and probably has always made that clear to you.

Awful situation to be in and I really hope that you can work it out.

Beruthiel

nomorekids wrote: »

she keeps telling me im being selfish and if i loved her that much id grant her this one thing

Sorry, but that really annoys me.
Have you turned around and told her how selfish it is to expect you to be responsible for yet another human being when as far as you are concerned you can cope with the ones you have now but there has to be a limit at some stage.
Does your wife want nothing in her life but children?

I don't mean to be nasty here, but I really started to enjoy my freedom once my daughter hit a certain age.
The amount of things you can do once again when they get older is fantastic and you really start to appreciate that when you haven't had it for 12+ years.
Coming and going as you please without having to give thought to anyone else is at the top of the list.

Course, I've never had that desperate urge some women have when it comes to wanting children, so maybe I'm talking out my ass.
From the outside though, you have two healthy children and a lot of people would kill for just that.
Why be greedy?

Sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel.
Tell her you want to get the snip.

Imhof Tank

OP I think you will find that the usual procedure before the snip is for you and the other half to be "counselled" at the clinic to prevent guys sneeking off to have it done behind their wives' backs.

Dont ask me why but this is the way it is.

username123

She knew all along you only wanted two children, she never took your wishes on this seriously and in fact she put down your opinions in front of other people (was there not a warning bell then?), she tries to emotionally blackmail you into impregnating her, you want the snip, AND on top of all of this, you havent even been working for 3 years so financially it would be irresponsible of you to have more children unless you can afford them.

Do you think your wife is fundamentally unhappy and is trying to bridge the gap by just filling her life up with children?

From what you have said, not working for 3 years yet not hands on with the children or around the house - why not? I would have left the marriage myself if that was my husbands attitude. Why dont you want to be a part of your own family or do stuff around your own house? What are you doing with yourself if youre not helping at home, with the children or working?

Its the only reason I can think of that your wife would be so needing to have another child, because she must realise that its a bad idea financially, and that youre not into it emotionally. So why? She must be grasping at happy straws is all I can come up with.

LegacyUser

hi,me again,thanks for the replies

i dont want to bring the "cost of having a child" into this even though it is a valid point,its not reason for not having anymore kids,

ive been very clear when this issue kicked off when she started talking about more kids i told her i wanted the snip,i got all the leaflets,done my research and filled out the forms ready to be sent (which are actually sitting in my car ready to be posted),but i havnt posted them because itd be just dishonest

as for being not a "hands on dad",im not lazy but dont twig the little things that need to be done and around the house (which im working on),and im not one of those idiots who just sit all day on their ar$e lifting their feet so she can hoover under them while they either watch jermary kyle or watching any sort of football(which i hate with a vengence) on the telly worth watching,im out wasting whatever dole i have left on diesel looking for anything to do,

ive mentioned a counciller either for both of us or seperatly,but she says we love each other so we dont need one (but she did talk to her mother about this and she is of the same opinion that im being selfish for wanting the snip)

Abi

nomorekids wrote: »

ive mentioned a counciller either for both of us or seperatly,but she says we love each other so we dont need one

Shes afraid of being told the truth, face her own selfishness in all of this, thats the real reason.

(but she did talk to her mother about this and she is of the same opinion that im being selfish for wanting the snip)

Tell her you married her, not her mother, and you don't appreciate the interference. She will have to face her own issues of why she's forcing you to have another child with her, or quite frankly your marriage is in trouble.


Don't, whatever you do, get weary of her demands for this. It will only make you miserable in the long run, and you'll have been bullied into this for her own selfish needs. Although the cost of an extra child is secondary to your feelings on this, it can't be ignored either. You mentioned you're out of work and struggling with a mortgage, an extra mouth to feed and body to clothe is pushing you further towards the breadline, and I don't think thats fair on anyone in the family.

I'd push the issue on this counseling if I were you.

flower tattoo

Imhof Tank wrote: »

OP I think you will find that the usual procedure before the snip is for you and the other half to be "counselled" at the clinic to prevent guys sneeking off to have it done behind their wives' backs.

Dont ask me why but this is the way it is.

Don't think so. Husband spoke to the doctor & got referred by himself. Doctor asked him if we'd discussed it (we had - that was fine) but I was never required to visit

Imhof Tank

flower tattoo wrote: »

Don't think so. Husband spoke to the doctor & got referred by himself. Doctor asked him if we'd discussed it (we had - that was fine) but I was never required to visit

Right, I was only speaking from my own personal experience plus 2 others I know of both of whom had to bring their wives in for a chat with the doc (in 3 different clinics).

Did your husband get it done in Ireland?

username123

Abi wrote: »

Shes afraid of being told the truth, face her own selfishness in all of this, thats the real reason.

Agreed.

Abi wrote: »

Tell her you married her, not her mother, and you don't appreciate the interference. She will have to face her own issues of why she's forcing you to have another child with her, or quite frankly your marriage is in trouble.

Its normal enough for her to have talked to her mother about this, and indeed for her mother to back her on this as no doubt the OP has been painted as the mean selfish man who wont allow her to have another child. However, while she can talk to whomever she wishes, ultimately, its not them who will be raising the child, its the OP. An outsiders opinion on how many children a couple should have in their marriage is irrelevant.

Abi wrote: »

I'd push the issue on this counseling if I were you.

Agreed. Tbh OP I think you need to make it crystal clear to your wife how you are feeling. Have you explained to her the things you have said in this thread?

tinkerbell

OP, it's your wife that is being selfish. And I suggest that the next time she says you are selfish, that you tell her it is SHE who is being selfish. As for this saying amongst other family members that she'll just convince you to have a 3rd, that is really lousy behaviour tbh, it's like your feelings don't even matter to her - they are just irrelevant.

You are a family and you should be making JOINT decisions - not her emotionally blackmailing you into having a kid you don't want to have. You also said you told her that you only ever wanted two children and that's it. So I suggest you sit your wife down and tell her that you are not being forced into having another child that you don't want to have and you want to get the snip. Don't do it behind her back - just tell her you are getting it and you aren't changing your mind regarding more children.

She's being selfish OP. Don't give in to her demands, they're unreasonable. Bringing a child into the world is not something that should be done half-heartedly, and you clearly understand that if it's not something that feels right, then it's just not an option. She needs to see this too.

At the end of the day, especially given that children are such an important issue for your wife, she should be content with the two that you already have. Other than counselling as mentioned by you already, there's nothing you can do except stand your ground. But don't get the snip until you've both reached some sort of common ground on the issue.

Fentdog84

Just get the snip, tell her you are getting it done on such a date and do it. Just say you've already discussed it and you dont want any more kids and that you're having it done so its case closed. You dont ''owe'' her any more kids. Good luck.

And to be honest i dont see what business any of this is to her mother and why she's even discussing it with her.

1hnr79jr65

Just something stood out to me in your original post. You say you have 2 boys, it might be possible this could have something to do with having a girl.
Weird as i fella i notice this but it could be she sees this as a missed opportunity to have girly time with a daughter.

And i dont mean any offence when i point that out, but it could help with your talks.

ElleEm

OP, your wife is being so selfish.
I agree with all of the above posts saying the same.

On a side note? What birth control are you using now? I would be careful if she is solely in charge of that (pill, diaphragm, etc.), as she may consider getting pregnant on purpose.

You just have to make yourself super clear. You don't now, nor ever want more kids.
Listen to her when she speaks about her want to have more, don't disregard her feelings, but just make yourself clear.

Daisy M

I am curious to know why everyone thinks that the wife is been selfish? Could it not equally be deemed that the husband is been selfish by refusing something to his wife that is really important to her?

I really dont think been selfish comes into this. I see two people with two different adgendas who need to come to some sort of agreement. I think you need to really listen to why she wants another child and find out just how important this is to her, in turn she needs to hear your opinion and understand where you are coming from.

Personally I think having the snip is a different matter, you dont have to have the snip to ensure you will have no more children. I would leave that issue off the table for now and give your wife time to come to terms with your views. You deciding to have the snip is similar to her deciding not to use contraception, neither would be fair without the others agreement.

Does your wife realise the extent of your financial difficulties? How does she think ye can afford another child without it effecting your other childrens financial security?

ElleEm

Daisy M wrote: »

I am curious to know why everyone thinks that the wife is been selfish? Could it not equally be deemed that the husband is been selfish by refusing something to his wife that is really important to her?

nomorekids wrote: »

needed to go un reg for this
im 36,married for 8yrs and two boys 3 & 6yrs old,and basically she wants a third and i dont,
when we first got together we'd talk about these things and ive always told her i didnt want anymore than 2 kids,
but the usual "ahh sure we'll see" or if it came up in conversation with her family members or in a group she always got the "dont worry sure you'll change his mind" from them and im standing there infront of them thinking "eh no she wont cause i dont want anymore",
she comes from a slightly bigger family than mine and the family relationships would be at polar opposites (my mum and dad seperated and i basically had to fend for myself from the end of primary school onwards),
she has gone from saying she just want a girl to "i want just one more",and lately her reasoning is she wants another is before she hits 40 (the 40 bit is just being lazy because i dont know of any woman that can turn her emotions off at the strike of an age),
its like she keeps moving the goalposts and she cant understand why i dont want anymore
im happy with what ive got,2 great kids......things and are settling down with them growing up thats it plain and simple,some couples perfer more.. i dont,
she keeps telling me im being selfish and if i loved her that much id grant her this one thing,
but how am i selfish if we have two kids already,????
i want to get the snip(dont worry ive being thinking about it for at least 9mths so its not being done on a whim),and if i get it done im making the decision for the both of us and her reasons dont come into it,
ill admit im not the most hands on guy when it comes to kids/family,she has to tell me several times to do some things with the kids or around the house
now the tension is getting so strong (even after the arguments)something is going to snap(my marraige),
right now i havnt been working for the last 3yrs and im barely able to keep to mortgage afloat so it doesnt help things
im sorry to any girls reading this who take offence to this next remark,
i cant afford another child,and even if i won the euro millions i still wouldnt want anymore kids,but i wont use that reason because its not reason for not havin more kids,
what can i do ????
thanks for taking the time to read this

nomorekids wrote: »

hi,me again,thanks for the replies

i dont want to bring the "cost of having a child" into this even though it is a valid point,its not reason for not having anymore kids,

ive been very clear when this issue kicked off when she started talking about more kids i told her i wanted the snip,i got all the leaflets,done my research and filled out the forms ready to be sent (which are actually sitting in my car ready to be posted),but i havnt posted them because itd be just dishonest

as for being not a "hands on dad",im not lazy but dont twig the little things that need to be done and around the house (which im working on),and im not one of those idiots who just sit all day on their ar$e lifting their feet so she can hoover under them while they either watch jermary kyle or watching any sort of football(which i hate with a vengence) on the telly worth watching,im out wasting whatever dole i have left on diesel looking for anything to do,

ive mentioned a counciller either for both of us or seperatly,but she says we love each other so we dont need one (but she did talk to her mother about this and she is of the same opinion that im being selfish for wanting the snip)

The wife is being selfish as the OP has made himself clear from the onset of their relationship that he does not want more than two kids.
She wants more kids to fulfill HER needs, while disregarding her husband's feelings on not wanting another kid. It is selfish to bring a child into a relationship where only one person truly WANTS it.
They have two kids and she is aiming to change his mind through emotional blackmail to fulfill her own needs, without even considering their lack of financial security.

Daisy M wrote: »

Does your wife realise the extent of your financial difficulties? How does she think ye can afford another child without it effecting your other childrens financial security?

The wife would want to be fairly thick not to "realise the extent of their financial difficulties". He has been unemployed for three years.

username123

Daisy M wrote: »

I am curious to know why everyone thinks that the wife is been selfish? Could it not equally be deemed that the husband is been selfish by refusing something to his wife that is really important to her?

Because the OP was clear from the time they first got together that he only wanted 2 children. She chose to disregard that and to disrespect him by publicly laughing off his point of view if it came up in front of other people. The OP has not misled his wife here. His wife chose not to listen and accept what he told her from the very beginning.

Abi

username123 wrote: »

Its normal enough for her to have talked to her mother about this, and indeed for her mother to back her on this as no doubt the OP has been painted as the mean selfish man who wont allow her to have another child. However, while she can talk to whomever she wishes, ultimately, its not them who will be raising the child, its the OP. An outsiders opinion on how many children a couple should have in their marriage is irrelevant.

It should be. However it seems to me that his wife is also using her mothers opinion on the matter to give her case weight, and further putting pressure on the OP. If the mother was of any use to this situation, she'd be telling her daughter to go talk things through with her husband, and hear him out.

If I was forced to have children against my will from within a relationship / marriage, that would be the end of it for me. And as for taking interference for the mother-in-law? I'd be livid.

Daisy M wrote: »

I am curious to know why everyone thinks that the wife is been selfish? Could it not equally be deemed that the husband is been selfish by refusing something to his wife that is really important to her?

And not having any more children is really important to him. As the OP said, and the others here have reiterated, when the subject of children came up he agreed to two. Now, at this point she either was fine with it at the time, or she figured she'd change his mind further down the line. Either way, the goal-posts have moved, so she's creating this problem. And why? because she can feel the bio-logical ticking? It seems like a pretty selfish reason to further financially burden an already struggling family.

Daisy M

I still am struggling to see why the wife is been vllified I really dont think that either of these people are in the wrong. Yes the op has always been forthright in his view on children, but does that really mean that only his opinion should be heard, its coming across as though you all believe that he has more of a right to decide on not having another child than she has to want one why?

Correct me if I am wrong but I get the impression that the people calling the wife selfish are ones with either no children or small families and who feel 2 children is plenty. If I am right please try and remember that everyones desires are different and just because the ops wife would like more children it doesnt make her selfish. I think a number of posters jumped to conclusions based on very few facts and its not helpful to this situation.

Comments that the wife would be thick not to know about financial difficulties are unfair, I have came across numerous threads here and on another forum where one partner managed to hide from the other massive debt problems.

I am really struggling here to get my head around the fact that because the op said he only wanted 2 children ( something the wife didnt agree on if she always said something along the lines of "well we will see") it means that his wishes should come first. Surely if the op was that sure alarm bells should ahave rang and this should have been straightened out before marriage. It hasnt came across that the ops wife ever agreed to 2 children max only that the op always made his intentions clear. Surely decisions in marriage should be reached amicably and not decided upon by the person who shouts the loudest.

op I really dont think under the circumstances that you should be considering another child. But I do think you need to accept your share of the blame, you should never have told your wife how many children you wanted and left her feeling she had no say or couldnt be fully honest with you, you should have taken the time to understand her feelings and the type of family she had envisioned and decided then before any children came along if your views were compatiable.

Abi

Daisy M wrote: »

But I do think you need to accept your share of the blame, you should never have told your wife how many children you wanted and left her feeling she had no say or couldnt be fully honest with you, you should have taken the time to understand her feelings and the type of family she had envisioned and decided then before any children came along if your views were compatiable.

If she didn't like what she heard, then she should have discussed it with him then. Not go on to have two children with him, then bully him into having more.

The "we'll see" comment pisses me off the most. He never really had his say in the first place.

Daisy M

Abi wrote: »

If she didn't like what she heard, then she should have discussed it with him then. Not go on to have two children with him, then bully him into having more.

The "we'll see" comment pisses me off the most. He never really had his say in the first place.

The same can be said for the op if he didnt like when she replied "we'll see" then he should have discussed it. Neither got their say, they each only considered their own wants and desires and didnt/dont consider the others. Its silly to just blame the wife for everything including talking to her mother, I doubt the wife would be too impressed if she knew her husband had started a thread on boards about her. If neither of these people start accepting some responsibility then they will get nowhere and end up with a lot of resentment on both sides.

Abi

Daisy M wrote: »

The same can be said for the op if he didnt like when she replied "we'll see" then he should have discussed it.

Personally I'd have run for the hills after such an answer, because it has a real 'like it or lump it' tone about it. Perhaps he didn't realise how seriously he should have taken that remark at the time.

Neither got their say, they each only considered their own wants and desires and didnt/dont consider the others. Its silly to just blame the wife for everything including talking to her mother,

Discussing it with the mother is one thing, but it seems to me that the husband is feeling the pressure of this alliance.

I doubt the wife would be too impressed if she knew her husband had started a thread on boards about her.

This is an anonymous forum, this and the mother are hardly comparable. He could be anybody

If neither of these people start accepting some responsibility then they will get nowhere and end up with a lot of resentment on both sides.

This I will agree on, as I said earlier, there needs to be counseling here. But most importantly to find out what this woman feels the need to put pressure on her marriage all because she's having some sort of a pre-forties panic to have a child. She's clinging on to her mothering years if you ask me, and that is not an acceptable reason to have a child. It should be an agreement on both parts, and this is clearly not the case.

tinkerbell

The wife IS selfish. There is no two ways about it. She's trying to bully him into having another child that the OP does not want and the OP said early on in their relationship that he only wanted two kids max. If she had a problem with that, she should've ended the relationship and gone elsewhere. She seems to just be treating the OP as a baby-making facility, she doesn't care about his feelings, just her own. She is the one who wants to change things that they had not agreed to.

And besides, in a marriage you are supposed to put your spouse FIRST, not last. Her husband should be a million times more important to her than the idea of having another kid.

argentum

We also had two kids and i never wanted another one as we were comfortable the way we were.i also wanted the snip and was under the impression that your wife had to give her consent on the forms and attend the clinic with you.
My wife always said no that she wanted another one so i never pushed it 100% and always tried not to get her pregnant.The inevitable happened and eventually i realised she was pregnant but she hadn't noticed yet.I got the tester on the way home from work one night and half an hour later she confirmed what i knew.
I didnt talk to her for about a week blaming her and even when we started talking i would just argue all the time telling her we couldn't afford a child and I actually told her that i hoped that she lost the child early on in the pregnancy.(I know please don't judge me)
Well we had our little fella 6 years ago and still to this day he brings me more joy that any of my other children and they even slag me about the fact that hes my favourite.the money is very tight and we had to give up a lot of material things but so what I wouldnt have missed it for the world.I also got the snip done when he was born and believe me you dont need your wife to sign anything or even be there if you go to the Marie Stopes clinic in Dublin.
Im not saying to give in or get the snip without your wife knowing but the one thing i realised was that I couldn't live without my wife and two kids at the time so if she really wanted three well then thats what it would take to keep my life and marriage happy.
bets of luck with what ever you decide

LegacyUser

Just to add a slightly different perspective.

I'm pregnant with my first and unlikely to have another due to fertility problems. For me, 2 would be miracle and 3 would be every dream come true - even though for ethical reasons I tend to believe people should just have enough kids to 'replace themselves' i.e. 2 per couple. So does that mean I think your wife is being greedy? Well a little bit, but she is driven by a very human instinct which I understand very, very well. Is she being selfish? Well both of you are putting your own needs first. Fact.

Anyway, deciding one person is being greedy or selfish or financially irresponsible even is pretty pointless and won't help your situation or your marriage (you both would manage financially, as she is prepared to shoulder the childcare burden). You and her have a genuine conflict and you need to work this out with a professional. I suspect that neither of you has any real idea how the other is actually feeling on this. Speaking from my experience, baby-hunger is real and deeply instinctive, and very difficult for someone who doesn't feel it to understand. Even if she agrees to give up the dream, she is going to have to grieve for the child she won't have. That might not make sense to you but that's the reality.
Even with a view to getting your own way on this, you are going to have to acknowledge and respect her feelings. Maybe you can help her build her life a different way - a new career? further education? a hobbie? It's important that you let her know you understand none of this can replace that third child, but it is an effort towards resolving this issue and this conflict.
I'd leave the snip out of the discussion for now. Have a chat about contraception and trust and make it clear that you trust her and won't stay with someone you can't trust. Getting the snip right would be seen as a hostile action and might mark the beginning of the end of your marriage.
Remember every view you will get here is subjective based on posters own feelings about their ideal families. Please work this out with a professional.