Wedding gift etiquette

lynne78

I'm wondering what the done thing is regarding gifts for weddings abroad.
We are invited to one this summer, and feel we must go. Financially we're a bit stretched at the moment, and this wedding is going to cost a bit. I hadnt really considered the gift until the invitation came and there was a note saying that they would prefer to receive cash.
I had attended a wedding abroad in the past and the couple advised everyone that they considered their attendance to be their gift, (we did give a small present but the fact that it wasnt expected made it a pleasure to give).
For weddings at home, we would usually give the standard €200, but given the cost of travel, I'm not sure if we'd be expected to give the same? I'm a little put out by the expectation of cash, but at the same time, I wouldnt wish to offend by not giving enough. Any ideas?

Moonbeam

If you need to travel then I think that can be their gift or maybe get them something small but I would not give them a lot or buy them a big present.

Lynfo

I agree with Moonbeam.

Also, the fact that they asked for cash rankles. It's just so rude and it would make me want to give nothing but a card.

Zaph

The day I receive an invitation that includes asking for cash is the day I'll be sending back my first "I regret that I will be unable to attend" RSVP.

Moonbeam

I would not be offended if on an invite it said they did not want presents but if you need to cash towards the honeymoon would be appreciated or similar but would be if it said cash gifts only or similar.

tinkerbell

Personally I think the mention of a gift at all on an invitation is a rude and classless act tbh. I'd be inclined to give a much smaller present if I got an invite stating cash only.

Regarding a wedding abroad, I would not give a gift. No matter what anyone says, a wedding abroad ALWAYS costs way more than a wedding in Ireland. Your presence at a wedding abroad should be present enough for them.

Sleepy

I wouldn't be offended by it for an ordinary wedding at home but asking people for cash when you're already being asked to travel abroad for a wedding just smacks of entitlement imho.

djk1000

lynne78 wrote: »

For weddings at home, we would usually give the standard €200

What the ****??? Really? There's been a few weddings amongst my friends lately, €100 was generous, €50 was nice, no one asked for or expected two frickin hundred euros!!!

Gatica

I imagine 200 is probably from a couple, rather than a single person, right? I think that's a fairly standard sum, naturally depends on what you can afford or how close you are.
I totally agree with the posters here, mentioning gifts in an invitation, especially "demanding" cash is in poor taste. Bring them a large toaster all the way to their wedding, and then enquire how they like it back home... :P
Just kidding... seriously though, it's a big enough strain for people to travel abroad for others' wedding, and to spend their holiday time on them, and then to request the type of gift they wish to get...?! It's selfish and inconsiderate. They may be a really nice couple and meant well, etc... but it's really naive to think that it's ok to make such a big ask of their friends, and an assumption that they'll be getting any kind of presents after requesting people to travel for them.
I probably would still give a bit of cash, but I certainly would not be forking out a 200/couple amount.

Diddler1977

lynne78 wrote: »

I'm wondering what the done thing is regarding gifts for weddings abroad.
We are invited to one this summer, and feel we must go. Financially we're a bit stretched at the moment, and this wedding is going to cost a bit. I hadnt really considered the gift until the invitation came and there was a note saying that they would prefer to receive cash.
I had attended a wedding abroad in the past and the couple advised everyone that they considered their attendance to be their gift, (we did give a small present but the fact that it wasnt expected made it a pleasure to give).
For weddings at home, we would usually give the standard €200, but given the cost of travel, I'm not sure if we'd be expected to give the same? I'm a little put out by the expectation of cash, but at the same time, I wouldnt wish to offend by not giving enough. Any ideas?

If you go, I would give a small token present after the wedding when the couple are back home.

If you decide not to go (after seeing such a rude request on the invite) you could then give a cash present.

Generally money is not given as a gift by anyone who travels to a destination wedding. Their presence is the gift.

lazygal

Our standard gift for family/close friends' weddings is €200, but we received gifts from €50-€500 for our wedding, as well as a large variety of gifts which we really appreciated.

For anyone who travelled to our wedding we did not expect a gift, they spent enough time and money getting there so we truly didn't care what they gave. My best friend from school travelled and is a student so I made sure to tell her when she asked that her presence was enough, but she did give us a lovely small gift that I do love.

If a couple is cheeky enough to ASK for cash we usually give a gift in lieu of that. We'd usually give cash without being asked, but I really hate asking for money, it smacks of a "Don't you guests know how much this is costing us, we have to cover our expenses" attitude.

Daisy M

My daughter age 12 asked me today what I would give as a wedding gift when we are going to a wedding. I asked why she wanted to know and she said a brother of one of her friends had got married and a man had came to the wedding and only given 20euro. My mind boggles at the mindset behind discussing this at all let alone in front of a 12 year old.

Op at the most I would give a small token gift def not cash.

Gatica

lazygal wrote: »

...
If a couple is cheeky enough to ASK for cash we usually give a gift in lieu of that. We'd usually give cash without being asked, but I really hate asking for money, it smacks of a "Don't you guests know how much this is costing us, we have to cover our expenses" attitude.

absolutely! expecting your guests to pay for your wedding is downright classless. They're not your creditors, they're the people you deemed important enough in your life to share your special day with you.
Discussing who gave what and giving out about it is outright rude; if at all, it should be done in private (though still, people should appreciate the gifts they get for free!).

lynne78

Thanks for your opinions, I thought maybe I was just being a bit tight! To be fair to the couple, the wedding is in the bride's home town in Germany, not in a luxury foreign destination by their choice, so I don't feel too put out about travelling, although the location is not one that lends itself to an extended holiday so its in and out for most of the guests. The bride has been regaling us with tales of their cost cutting measures, (no canapes, no evening buffet, no favours, limit of one glass of wine per guest, no choice with the meal, no band) all of which are of course at their discretion and understandable given that they want to keep costs to a minimum. I just wish they would extend the same thinking to their guests!

clint_silver

lynne78 wrote: »

Thanks for your opinions, I thought maybe I was just being a bit tight! To be fair to the couple, the wedding is in the bride's home town in Germany, not in a luxury foreign destination by their choice, so I don't feel too put out about travelling, although the location is not one that lends itself to an extended holiday so its in and out for most of the guests. The bride has been regaling us with tales of their cost cutting measures, (no canapes, no evening buffet, no favours, limit of one glass of wine per guest, no choice with the meal, no band) all of which are of course at their discretion and understandable given that they want to keep costs to a minimum. I just wish they would extend the same thinking to their guests!

went to a foreign wedding couple years ago and on the invite it said something like

"we realise people like to give couples gifts for presents, but as we have imposed an extra cost on you travelling so far to our wedding, we request if any gifts are of cash of gift cards, please be small and of your own discretion"

Was happy enough with that. Other people may not have the way with the words to phrase it so.

Dont be so worried about the day itself. Theres nothing you can do to influence it other then have as good a time on the day itself. If its terrible because of their skimping, then thats their fault and you can talk about it then. Some of the best weddings Ive been at have been on a budget.

OS119

lynne78 wrote: »

...To be fair to the couple, the wedding is in the bride's home town in Germany, not in a luxury foreign destination by their choice...

damn! i was going to suggest you getting them a token present that would cost them a fortune to bring back - like a paving slab!

like others suggest, i'd ignore the cash request and either get a token gift, or just not bother getting a gift. i can well imagine the kind of money you'll be spending to attend this wedding - flights, hotel, car hire etc.. and that effort and expence would be my gift.

if you know anyone else who's going it might be worth talking to them - firstly to gauge what others are doing so you don't get any nasty, embarrassing surprises, and secendly to perhaps go for a joint present if you all decide that thats what you want to do.

from a long term perspective i'd not get too worried about the situation - firstly i couldn't tell you who gave us what presents - or even if they did, secondly i couldn't tell you who, from outside our immediate family and closest friends, was there, and thirdly, of those who were unable/unwilling to attend (we got married a long way from my home area, my family and friends had to fly up to attend), it had no impact on our relationship - thats not to say i wasn't dissapointed when i got a negative RSVP, but it had no impact on the wedding.

short version: it might be an issue in the immediate term, but in six months no one will remember, or care.

lazygal

I second OS119. But please still give a nice card, no matter what. I didn't care about not getting gifts at all, but the few who didn't even bother with a card did rankle a little with me (not my husband!) because I loved all the cards and kept them all.

Gatica

lynne78 wrote: »

Thanks for your opinions, I thought maybe I was just being a bit tight! To be fair to the couple, the wedding is in the bride's home town in Germany, not in a luxury foreign destination by their choice, so I don't feel too put out about travelling, although the location is not one that lends itself to an extended holiday so its in and out for most of the guests. The bride has been regaling us with tales of their cost cutting measures, (no canapes, no evening buffet, no favours, limit of one glass of wine per guest, no choice with the meal, no band) all of which are of course at their discretion and understandable given that they want to keep costs to a minimum. I just wish they would extend the same thinking to their guests!

I personally find it unbelievable someone would go on about how they're trying to save money here and there (that comes across as trying to show their guests that they really need that money from them), and then smoothly proceed to ask for that money through presents.
I can understand that the bride's getting married back home, so it makes sense for them to travel there for the wedding; but the cost of that affair is their load to bear, not their guests'.
That doesn't mean you can't rise above, give a card and wish them well, but do as you please: whether being particularly generous under the circumstances or being reasonably measured and just giving them the pleasure of your company.