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Boyfriend Cheating

  • 13-02-2012 2:53pm
    #1
    Tweet0004
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭


    In long term relationship for 4 years, and boyfriend lived in a different town. We would see each other at weekends, anyway, we took a break, as i could no longer commute because of work etc.. So we dated other people during these few months. We decided to give it another go, and he moved down to me in Cork. I found emails on this computer from the girl he was seeing when we broke up. They continued to meet when he returned home every few weeks. I said nothing, as i found another email, when he wanted to work things with me, and told her, it was over. Answered a text when he was in the shower and it was from her. Checked his phone, and he seems to have seen her every month since we got back together. I am not sure what to do, as i do not want to throw away our years together, we talked of marriage we are both 29 years old. But i thought it would stop now we are living together. He has told her he has liked her for a long time.

    Do you think he has feelings for her ???


Comments

  • #2
    Tweet0004
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭Tweet0004


    Do not want to regret throwing away all those years. But also do not want to wake up later in life and find he has not changed.


  • #3
    SineadMarie
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 208 ✭✭SineadMarie


    Its better to know now what hes capable of do you really want to settle for that?? I know its hard but your better of walking away.


  • #4
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    If someone cheats on you then dump them. It's one thing that really is that simple.

    Snooping in his stuff is a transgression too. Apparently you were right to be suspicious... But if you feel the need to do that in the first place it is a bad sign for the relationship, one way or the other.


  • #5
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    For what its worth Op, I say dump him.

    The trust is broken. While he was meant to be mending your relationship he was seeing the other girl on the side too. I know its hard, you've been with him 4 years. But you aint got no future.


  • #6
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Im sorry to see whats happened to you, OP. But you aren't throwing anything away exactly. He isn't being faithful to you emotionally and though you havent mentioned if anything physical happened, Id imagine it has.

    4 years is a long time and therefore his want to end it with this other girl, should be strong, because of his relationship with you. You want marriage obviously, is it worth making all those promises and legal promises as well with someone who obviously is not going to change his ways.

    I cant emphasize enough how important it is, to walk away when a partner wont meet your standard or vica versa. You staying there thick and thin only tells him, you want him so badly that you are willing to accept this other woman. He is lying to you, has lied to you and for your own peace of mind, walk away now and get your head straight. Deep down you cant work on someone who is cheating, they have to do that themselves, but you can mind yourself. So important. Cant say that enough.


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  • #7
    Tweet0004
    Closed Accounts Posts: 47 ✭Tweet0004


    Thanks Irish eyes19, agree i deserve better. Never been cheated on before, and none of the guys i hang out with cheat. They end it and walk away. Just heard in the last few days, so many cheating stories. Trying to understand why ??. Is it not more mature to just end it and walk away. Cheating seems to be acceptable nowadays, sad, especially when these couples get married and it continues. Think people are just afraid of been on their own. Better to be on your own, with great friends and social life, than looking over my shoulder all the time, waiting for it to happen again. Great advice from all of you and appreciated.:). Find it confusing when people say, oh, he can still love you, if so, then why need another girl.


  • #8
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Tweet0004 wrote: »
    Thanks Irish eyes19, agree i deserve better. Never been cheated on before, and none of the guys i hang out with cheat. They end it and walk away. Just heard in the last few days, so many cheating stories. Trying to understand why ??. Is it not more mature to just end it and walk away. Cheating seems to be acceptable nowadays, sad, especially when these couples get married and it continues. Think people are just afraid of been on their own. Better to be on your own, with great friends and social life, than looking over my shoulder all the time, waiting for it to happen again. Great advice from all of you and appreciated.:). Find it confusing when people say, oh, he can still love you, if so, then why need another girl.

    You sound very sensible and mature, OP and look you have the answer there yourself. It is very scary to be alone, especially after a long relationship and there will be times you will look back and feel a little sad but every woman/man has been through that before at some stage in their lives and I bet they would tell you, you will be ok.

    most people dont cheat. And there are a lot of good people out there. For the ones that do cheat, its selfish, OP. Mistakes happen, but your bf hasnt learnt from his. He has blantantly kept seeing this woman and not hidden very well either, disrepecting your relationship and you.

    I know you want to salvage the relationship, but what are you saving? I hope it goes well for you, but put yourself first.

    And to add, rooting through his messages. Normally wouldn't approve. But you know what, cheating is scummy. And you dont deserve to be taken for a fool. So I dont fault you on that. Just take of yourself.


  • #9
    Sineead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭Sineead


    it all sounds pretty hearbreaking. but you can't allow yourself to share him with another. you're better than that.


  • #10
    Paddy Bateman
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 178 ✭✭Paddy Bateman


    Tweet0004 wrote: »
    In long term relationship for 4 years, and boyfriend lived in a different town. We would see each other at weekends, anyway, we took a break, as i could no longer commute because of work etc.. So we dated other people during these few months. We decided to give it another go, and he moved down to me in Cork. I found emails on this computer from the girl he was seeing when we broke up. They continued to meet when he returned home every few weeks. I said nothing, as i found another email, when he wanted to work things with me, and told her, it was over. Answered a text when he was in the shower and it was from her. Checked his phone, and he seems to have seen her every month since we got back together. I am not sure what to do, as i do not want to throw away our years together, we talked of marriage we are both 29 years old. But i thought it would stop now we are living together. He has told her he has liked her for a long time.

    Do you think he has feelings for her ???
    You should give him another chance and also stop interfering with his phone for starters


  • #11
    The Lovely Muffin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,595 ✭✭✭The Lovely Muffin


    Paddy Bateman wrote: »
    You should give him another chance and also stop interfering with his phone for starters
    Are you for real?!

    This is horrendous advice.

    The OPs boyfriend has been cheating on her for god knows how long if he any respect for her or their relationship he would never have even considered cheating, let alone cheat for god knows how long.

    Dump him OP, it will be hard/upsetting etc, but in the long run are you MUCH better off without this guy. You will find someone else who will love you and want to be with you and won't cheat on you or hurt you like this guy has.

    He doesn't give a damn about you, if he did he would either have broken up with you and or tried to make your relationship work, he would NOT have cheated continuously with another woman.

    You are worth more than this and you deserve better than him OP, get out now.

    I personally would much rather be single than have a boyfriend like him.


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  • #12
    Paddy Bateman
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 178 ✭✭Paddy Bateman


    The Lovely Muffin wrote: »
    Paddy Bateman wrote: »
    You should give him another chance and also stop interfering with his phone for starters
    Are you for real?!

    This is horrendous advice.

    The OPs boyfriend has been cheating on her for god knows how long if he any respect for her or their relationship he would never have even considered cheating, let alone cheat for god knows how long.

    Dump him OP, it will be hard/upsetting etc, but in the long run are you MUCH better off without this guy. You will find someone else who will love you and want to be with you and won't cheat on you or hurt you like this guy has.

    He doesn't give a damn about you, if he did he would either have broken up with you and or tried to make your relationship work, he would NOT have cheated continuously with another woman.

    You are worth more than this and you deserve better than him OP, get out now.

    I personally would much rather be single than have a boyfriend like him.
    There is 2 sides to everything. Someone skulking about checking anothers phone is a form of cheating


  • #13
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Paddy Bateman wrote: »
    There is 2 sides to everything. Someone skulking about checking anothers phone is a form of cheating

    Ah cop on would ya...

    Op you don't need to put up with treatment like this. Dump him and move on


  • #14
    Paddy Bateman
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 178 ✭✭Paddy Bateman


    I am a friend wrote: »
    Paddy Bateman wrote: »
    There is 2 sides to everything. Someone skulking about checking anothers phone is a form of cheating

    Ah cop on would ya...

    Op you don't need to put up with treatment like this. Dump him and move on
    It seems we're only hearing one side of this


  • #15
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    This is an advice forum - please keep all replies on topic and helpful to the OP. If you have no constructive advice to offer, kindly refrain from posting.

    Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

    If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

    Many thanks.


  • #16
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    Tweet0004 wrote: »
    In long term relationship for 4 years, and boyfriend lived in a different town. We would see each other at weekends, anyway, we took a break, as i could no longer commute because of work etc.. So we dated other people during these few months. We decided to give it another go, and he moved down to me in Cork. I found emails on this computer from the girl he was seeing when we broke up. They continued to meet when he returned home every few weeks. I said nothing, as i found another email, when he wanted to work things with me, and told her, it was over. Answered a text when he was in the shower and it was from her. Checked his phone, and he seems to have seen her every month since we got back together. I am not sure what to do, as i do not want to throw away our years together, we talked of marriage we are both 29 years old. But i thought it would stop now we are living together. He has told her he has liked her for a long time.

    Do you think he has feelings for her ???

    Maybe, and I am just saying maybe, he is not cheating on you and just seeing this woman as a friend. You probably know from the contents of the e-mails the nature of their friendship. If he wanted to be with her and not you would he not have broken up with you and moved in with her. He is not telling you about his meetings with her, which only appear to be once a month, in case you jump to conclusions. However, if from the nature of the e-mails and texts you know for sure that he is carrying on with her then you have to confront him on this and ask yourself if you want to be with a cheat. I feel that of the two of you women he prefers you but he thinks he is having the best of both worlds. Put him straight.


  • #17
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    Paddy Bateman wrote: »
    There is 2 sides to everything. Someone skulking about checking anothers phone is a form of cheating

    I very much believe in intuition. And it is breaking a privacy fair enough but it is not lying, it is not breaking the contract of your relationship. Most people don't check phones/emails/facebook just to check up and to break privacy, they do it because they have a feeling that their other half is hiding something. In my experience 9 times out of 10 there was a reason behind that feeling.


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