Friend's unwanted pity

LegacyUser

I am a female in my late twenties and fairly happy with my lot. I have a degree which took a while longer than expected due to medical reasons but did well and am now very happy doing a postgrad that I enjoy. I have a wonderful, intelligent boyfriend who I love to bits.

My friend finished her masters a few years ago and her career has gone from strength to strenght. She has a great income and lifestyle that she enjoys. Her boyfriend is a nice guy with a good job but a bit of a pushover if I'm honest, he does whatever she says, to many this is great but I'd get bored.

Anyway onto the problem at hand, we're both at different life stages but the same age and have fairly different boyfriends. I can appreciate that she is happy with her lot but I have no desire to swop with her. My path has taught me so much. She has become very patronising about my life almost as if she is speaking to a younger cousin at times about 'how's school going for you?'. She seems to try to avoid telling me about spa breaks etc. that she goes on with our friends and when I find out says things like 'I didn't want to ask you in case you felt pressured financially and you're only in college'. Or lines like 'ah, don't worry about being behind, you were sick, not thick'.

She seems baffled by my relationship, we share everything and discuss decisions. If one has a better knowledge of something, he/she is left to handle that. We often chose to spend more time together rather than earn extra money as we'd rather be comfortable and happy than loaded and never seeing each other. In her relationship, what she says goes and that's that. Any guy who so much as expresses a different opinion in her eyes is domineering. Money is discussed a lot in their company.

We've been friends for years but recently I think that we're drifting apart, we've less in common than ever and her pity of my life which I love is driving me mad. I'm happy for her but I don't envy her but she seems to pity me because I don't have what she has. I don't know what to do.

gud4u

You seem to have different views on what's important and maybe less in comman than you used to. Friendships don't always last forever, see her occcasionally if you want as if her company and comments are annoying you and you're not wanting to challenge her, just phase her out.

I think we all know people like that. People who have such a narrow view of the world that they can't imagine anyone being happy by doing anything different to their perceived norm. It sounds like she's a bit jealous of your life and is masking that with patronising comments and implying that you're a loser. I have a 'friend' (trying to phase her out without being rude) who does the same thing and it's really irritating. I've started calling her out on her comments and asking her why she's so interested in my life. That might work. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who validate themselves by putting others down. It's sad and they are really the ones to pity!

LegacyUser

You are happy. You have overcome adversity, and have in your life what a great many people would yearn for.

If your friend drags you down, why do you continue to choose this situation of your own free will?

If you don't enjoy these interactions, if they are "driving you mad", yet you continue by choice to spend your finite time interacting with this person, then you must take 100% responsibility for the results.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. Sometimes when you mull things over on your own you lose sight of the basics. Great to hear comon sense to bring me back to reality and take some blame myself for continuing with this.

I'm also going to copy and paste that first line from unregistereduser in case I ever have a down day, that really perked me up. :-)

James W

I don't think she is pitying you - she being a bit of a b*tch, perhaps, but it doesn't sound like pity - at least not in any genuine sense. Perhaps she is genuinely aware that you don't presently have the financial means to participate in certain social activities and is not deliberately precluding you.

You sound a little defensive regarding your own life choices and you seem pretty critical of this girl and her boyfriend. Against this, at some level, it seems that you really admire this girl and I suspect you're annoyed this is not reciprocated. Truthfully, what is it that's driving you mad here?

In my opinion, a person can only look down on us if we look up to them - it really is a matter of perspective!

daisybelle2008

To be honest you seem a little hard on her and very judgemental of her relationship. I think if you were as happy as you say you are with your lot, then she would not bother you at all. She seems to be hitting some sort of insecure nerve. And her comments seem very innoucous or could even be considered considerate if you were in a different frame of mind.
In any event, you don't seem to like or respect her that much so it would definitely be best to move on from the friendship to avoid the nit-picking and mental competing that seems to be going on for you.

dearg lady

I would ten to agree with a lot of what Daisybelle says, I think there is judgement coming from both of you about the others choice of lifestyle. Perhaps it quite simply is that ye have outgrown each other.

Beruthiel

gkfvgkgt wrote: »

We've been friends for years but recently I think that we're drifting apart, we've less in common than ever

It happens all the time. We all change, the right people drift in and out of our lives at the right time. At least, that's how it has been for me.
People come and go and it's just a part of life you must get used to.
No point hanging out with someone who drives you up the wall.
Life is too short.

wylo

Agree with Daisybelle,
You seem to showing her the same "pity" or something similar or judgemental as she is to you.
Who gives a crap if her boyfriend is a push over?

Basically , one thing I learned in life is every single time someone is getting on your nerves,or someone is bothering you even though they are doing very little to bother you ,it is actually just your own undealt with issues.

You MAY be very happy with your situation. So truly , why would you give a crap if she somehow looks down on your situation.

Im not trying to be hard here, dealing with this stuff really helps your life, and frees you from alot of crap.
Heres my suggestion:

1. See exactly what it is that she does or says thats bothering you.
2. Write out with as much honesty WHY its bothering, what I mean by this, try and investigate in your own life what it is and what you believe that is touched with she makes a comment like that. Do you feel inferior? If so, WHY do feel inferior?
3. Embrace that it might feel crap addressing your own issues when you thought it was someone elses fault.

I know this is a very weird random post, but it really really helps in situations like yours. Ive been there, Ive been through this process a zillion times, and the more you do it, the better things get. You stop giving a crap about anyone , in a good way, if you get me.

You know at the bottom of your heart , that her sympathy is annoying, and you know that it doesnt make sense that it is annoying you, but it just is, find out why.