Relationship after abortion

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a 30 year old male in an 8 month relationship with my 25 year old girlfriend (8 months officially, seeing each other 10..)

Last September we had an abortion. When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant she told me she would not be keeping it in the same breath. I'll admit that I did not want it at the time but I made it clear that I viewed it as 100% her decision and I would support her either way.

Since then things have had their ups and downs but the last week has been terrible. She has told me that she resents the fact that she is always upset whereas I am not and also that I have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I see my daughter for two nights a week.

She says that she thinks the relationship is doomed to failure. She has said she hates the way she feels but she can't help it. She wanted to break up today but has instead agrees to space/a break.

The thing is, she has never had any help since our trip. she refuses to thinking it will make no difference as what we have done will always remain and she'll always think of it when she looks at me.

I'm so desperate to save us. I love her so much and I really want us to be together. while I thought at the time it was the right thing to do I regret it now. We could have all been so happy.

I appreciate I'm not giving a lot of information here at the moment but I just don't know what to say. I only got the call from her earlier. I'm hoping any questions you may have might help me get the ball rolling....

Thanks

Peloquin

Hi, OP here.

I registered my account.

I guess what I'm asking is is there any way I can convince my girlfriend to get help? She really needs it. We both do. I want nothing more than to save our relationship.

daisybelle2008

I am assuming she is upset all the time over the abortion?, (it is not really clear from your post). Well that is one thing and clearly some sort of counselling would help.

The resentment of your daughter and the fact you are not upset all the time is not something I would tolerate however. It is incredibly selfish and immature. You need to be careful about your desperation to 'save' the relationship. If she refuses counselling then your relationship is indeed doomed, and to be honest you may be better off.

If she is upset and resentful all the time what kind of relationship is this? She will continue to use you to unload all this negative baggage until she gets professional help.

Just seen your post. Offer to go with her, or even organise to go yourself, maybe leading by example might help.

your girlfriend really needs to get some counselling.

i dont know all the details, but im assuming there is probably only the two of you that are aware of what happened?
if so, you are the only person she feels comfortable talking to about it?

her emotions are all over the place, probably ranging from relief to guilt, to feeling guilty for being relieved.

she needs to come to terms with what happened, and with the decision that was made, it was right for you both at the time, she needs to make peace with that choice.

its a very emotional thing for a woman to go through ( im not making little of your feelings OP )

she needs to talk to someone trained in this area, you are too close and emotionally involved.

im not sure exactly where you go but i think that the well-women clinics, or marie stopes clinics could help you both.

Peloquin

Hey,

Thanks a million for the responses. I feel in a better position now to give information, my head is all over the place right now.

No, she is not constantly upset but she says there isn't a day goes by she doesn't think about it.

With regards to my daughter, my girlfriend has hung out with her and we've gone to the cinema/park/walks etc but everything's been fine. I've noticed at times my girlfriend has been a bit standoffish but it's only in the last week she's told me she can't be around my daughter anymore.

When we made the decision to get it done, I decided that I was going to put my feelings on the matter to one side and just be there for her. I've always listened and always been there for her. In the last week though she has become very annoyed with me for not talking more to her about it. I've always felt that our experience was completely different and no matter what, I'd never ever feel as bad about it as she does so I really didn't want to say anything. I also wanted to be careful of what I say because it was ultimately her decision and I'd never want to voice my regrets in a way that sounded like "well I told you I'd be here if you kept the baby so it was your decision". I don't blame her at all, it's what we both wanted at the time and although we both regret it now, there's nothing we can do about it.

Her friend and her sister know about it. Two friends of mine know. Another best friend of hers got pregnant at the same time. My girlfriend said to her that she was finding it difficult being around her and would need to step back. Her friend said horrible things to her like "it was your choice to kill your baby, it shouldn't spoil my pregnancy" etc so they're not talking anymore.

So basically since we went for the trip there's been arguments not relating to the abortion but we know that's why the arguments over silly things went as far as they did but it's only in the last week that this "we can't work/I don't feel the same about you anymore/I can't be around your daughter" stuff has happened and today she wanted us to break up.

We went through Well Woman and she had an appointment this coming Monday which I had said I would attend with her. I often said I'd go/arrange these things but to no avail. Today when we agreed to "some space" I asked her to let me know how the appointment goes on Monday and she told me she won't be going. When I asked her why she said it's because she's given up. I begged her to go. I told her I'd take all next week off so that we can see as many people as needed to start getting some kind of council ling on the go but she said no. Shee just wants space to get her head together.

Space is not a good thing for us. When we're together everything is fine. It's when we're apart that things get worse.

I just don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

I was there too. I couldn't understand when my boyfriend seemed unaffected while I still got upset. I was very up and down for six months and finally spoke to a psychotherapist. I had a few sessions and just being able to speak to someone about it was a relief. I couldn't speak to my family or my best friend as they're very pro life. Two years on our relationship is stronger than ever and I know that it was the right decision for us at the time for many reasons. She said speak to someone, doesn't even have to be a trained professional, just someone who's not judgemental (this could make it worse). Good luck.

Peloquin

I suppose I should mention a little about our relationship. Most of the time it's great. We have an absolutely fantastic sex life, we share common interests but also have our own separate ones. Money is tight between us. My girlfriend lost her job in October. She earns money teaching a hobby and is doing exams in it at the moment. By the end of the year she'll be fully quaified. I've been short of money since after xmas but I'm getting back on track so we haven't been able to do much together. We're both living at home and we had plans to move in together. We had agreed we will have kids someday and very recently she told me that if I asked her to marry her she'd say yes in a heartbeat but now she says she no longer sees me in the same way and no longer thinks our relationship is forever.

Kidchameleon

Your GF is being the selfish one. You need to tell her that just because you are not showing much emotion it doesn't mean you are not hurting. If I were you, I would go to counseling myself, they can give you advice on how to deal with your GF. You say she told you she was pregnant and getting an abortion in one breath? Well if you had protested, would she have changed her mind? It seems to me she regrets her decision and you are being used as a punchbag for the blame.

Peloquin

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Your GF is being the selfish one. You need to tell her that just because you are not showing much emotion it doesn't mean you are not hurting. If I were you, I would go to counseling myself, they can give you advice on how to deal with your GF. You say she told you she was pregnant and getting an abortion in one breath? Well if you had protested, would she have changed her mind? It seems to me she regrets her decision and you are being used as a punchbag for the blame.

Yes, as soon as she told me she was pregnant she told me she was having an abortion. I have told her many times that it was "our" decision and "we" did it because it was the right thing at the time but she says it doesn't matter what I thought because she would have done it anyway.

I have a feeling that she is resenting the fact that I never tried to stop her but like I said I did not want the baby at the time and always told her it was ultimately her decision. Could it be that she is now looking to blame me as you said?

I am going to call the clinic in the morning and see if I can attend the appointment tomorrow myself.

Peloquin

beentheretoo wrote: »

I was there too. I couldn't understand when my boyfriend seemed unaffected while I still got upset. I was very up and down for six months and finally spoke to a psychotherapist. I had a few sessions and just being able to speak to someone about it was a relief. I couldn't speak to my family or my best friend as they're very pro life. Two years on our relationship is stronger than ever and I know that it was the right decision for us at the time for many reasons. She said speak to someone, doesn't even have to be a trained professional, just someone who's not judgemental (this could make it worse). Good luck.

Thanks for sharing your experience. My girlfriend does have non judgmental people to talk to. The two people I mentioned that she knows who know about it have both had abortions. My problem is getting her to talk to a professional.

daisybelle2008

Peloquin wrote: »

Space is not a good thing for us. When we're together everything is fine. It's when we're apart that things get worse.

You definitely need space. She is upping the ante with who she 'can't be around', i.e pregnant friends, your daughther, you, all the while refusing counselling.
That tactic is not going to work, you cannot hide every child and pregnant women in the world from her for ever in case it upsets her, in lieu of dealing with the issue with a professional.

Tell her the space is fine and that you are going to counselling yourself and hope she does the same.

You cannot put your own feelings aside to pander to her dysfunctional way of dealing with things. She will only make you suffer more to ease her own pain if you let her. You also seem like you will make concessions to her at your own expense. Be careful you will not do either of yourselves a favour.

The space could be a very good thing, relax and spend some time being less dependent on her and sorting yourself out away from her. It is much better that if ye do end up back together that the retribution, regret and uncertainty are no longer and issue. But you can't 'fix' her, she has to do that herself. Respect her and give her the space to do that.

Kidchameleon

I think the fact that she is lashing out at your daughter is a sure sign that she is looking for someone to blame. When you think about it, what on earth has your daughter got to do with anything?

Peloquin

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Peloquin wrote: »

Space is not a good thing for us. When we're together everything is fine. It's when we're apart that things get worse.

You definitely need space. She is upping the ante with who she 'can't be around', i.e pregnant friends, your daughther, you, all the while refusing counselling.
That tactic is not going to work, you cannot hide every child and pregnant women in the world from her for ever in case it upsets her, in lieu of dealing with the issue with a professional.

Tell her the space is fine and that you are going to counselling yourself and hope she does the same.

You cannot put your own feelings aside to pander to her dysfunctional way of dealing with things. She will only make you suffer more to ease her own pain if you let her. You also seem like you will make concessions to her at your own expense. Be careful you will not do either of yourselves a favour.

The space could be a very good thing, relax and spend some time being less dependent on her and sorting yourself out away from her. It is much better that if ye do end up back together that the retribution, regret and uncertainty are no longer and issue. But you can't 'fix' her, she has to do that herself. Respect her and give her the space to do that.

That is sound advice. I'll be giving her the space she wants. I haven't tried to contact her since I spoke to her yesterday nor will I. No contact is what she wants.

Peloquin

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I think the fact that she is lashing out at your daughter is a sure sign that she is looking for someone to blame. When you think about it, what on earth has your daughter got to do with anything?

I know!!! My daughter has nothing to do with this but all logic has gone out the window. It's all about feelings with her, negative ones at that.
One thing she did say is that she sees our unborn child in my daughter in so much as that I originally didn't want her. She wasn't planned but an abortion was out of the question (not that I ever even mentioned it, I knew it was going ahead and that was that). My girlfriend see how much I love and care for my daughter and thinks that everything would have been fine if we had went ahead with the pregnancy. She went so far as to ask how come my daughter was good enough for me but our baby wasn't?

dellas1979

Sounds like some kind of delayed shock and for that she needs help-probably like a wall thats finally hit her.

The fact that she immediately was in the mind set that she wanted an abortion, and still maintains she did the right thing (denial), to me shows that she didnt really sit down and think/talk about it. Some people can shove things under the carpet to ignore feelings for a long time before it finally crawls out and bites you in the butt, and it will bite you bad.

On a side note, I really dislike when I hear the "its your decision" milarkey. It wasnt her decision really. It was both of your decisions. She just had to make the decision, in shock and probably disbelieving what was actually going on. And now her decision she made on her own at a very vunerable time is affecting her. She needs to talk to someone who knows what she is going through, because it is self destructive to her.

You should be concentrating wholey on getting her to talk to someone. Maybe she of the mindset that if she actually recognises she needs to talk to a professional, she is admitting to the deepest core of herself, that there is a problem, and in that may open a can of worms that she didnt do the right thing for herself. Because from what you are telling us, it sounds like she is in complete denial/regretful of what happened.

gmac102

i had one 7 months ago, it tormented me till a few weeks ago. it hurt me to look at pregnant ppl, even my own kids at times it made me sad.

she will need someone to talk to, i got help because it made me go a bit wild. she needs your compassion and understanding at the moment.
the guilt of her actions (decision) is a prob unbearable.

i wish more ppl knew that while ur fixing one problem u gain so many more

i cant stress enuf she needs you right now

good luck

Chinafoot

Peloquin wrote: »

She went so far as to ask how come my daughter was good enough for me but our baby wasn't?

I'm sorry OP, but that is an absolutely appalling thing to say to someone. She had made the decision to end the pregnancy before you even knew about it. She is being extremely unfair.

I totally appreciate that this is a traumatic experience and that she is extremely upset over it. However, she needs to take some responsibility for herself and your relationship. She can't expect you to be her emotional punching bag. She needs to speak to someone who can help her deal with this.

OP, your relationship sounds like its very intense. Its only been 8 months and, despite not even living together, there's already there's been talk of marriage and babies. If I were you I would take a step back and take a breath. I'm not one for ultimatums but in this instance I think you would be well within your rights to tell her to speak to someone or the relationship is over. Because that really is what this comes down to. She is going to destroy this relationship if she doesn't get some help.

LegacyUser

Peloquin wrote: »

Yes, as soon as she told me she was pregnant she told me she was having an abortion. I have told her many times that it was "our" decision and "we" did it because it was the right thing at the time but she says it doesn't matter what I thought because she would have done it anyway.

I have a feeling that she is resenting the fact that I never tried to stop her but like I said I did not want the baby at the time and always told her it was ultimately her decision. Could it be that she is now looking to blame me as you said?

I am going to call the clinic in the morning and see if I can attend the appointment tomorrow myself.

Hey OP,

I've never been in either of your positions so forgive me if i'm totally wrong her but when you say "always told her it was ultimately her decision" i think you are taking no responsibility for the decision and leaving the guilt all on her. I know you were supporting her etc but that isnt much support when you leave a decision like that to one person. I know she says she may have done it either way but maybe she needs you to take some of the responsibility off her.
You seemed to take the easy way out, you wanted her to have the abortion and she wanted to have it, insisted on it, so you supported her instead of talking to her and trying to make sure it was the right decision for you both (which it seems to have been anyway) but it just meant you didnt have to make the decision she made it for you and she now resents you for that.

Peloquin

Thanks for all the replies since I last posted. I don't have time at the moment to type up a long post.

First and foremost, I am attending the appointment today by myself. I contacted her yesterday by text only to find out if she had cancelled the appointment as I would be attending it myself if she hadn't. She was furious wanting to know what the hell would I want to go to it myself for and had I suddenly got a conscience.

With regards to it being ultimately her decision, well it was. It's a simple as that. She told me it's what she wanted to do. I told her I didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy either but if she changed her mind then I would support her decision. I am not in any way, shape or form trying to absolve myself of any responsibility. I am 50% responsible for our decision. As I said before, I keep telling her "we" did it and it was "our" decision but she doesn't want to hear it.

All I am doing is looking for advice on how to help my girlfriend through this!!! Hopefully when speaking to the counsellor today they'll be able to help point me in the right direction.

@Chinafoot. It's not really that intense. There has been talk but it's only been talk like any couple would have about where they see things going in 2-3 years time but you are right in the sense that I need to take a step back and I will be doing so. Thanks for your post.

Katgurl

Hi OP,


Ive been in your girlfriends shoes, same age, same guilt, same lashing out, blaming, resentment etc.


She needs to get over it herself.


My boyfriend tried to help me too. I blamed him for everything and the more he put up with, the more I piled on. I couldnt see what i was doing until one day he left me and never came back (I dont mean literally, we are still in contact, he just finished the relationship). It dawned on me slowly over time how appalling my behaviour had been.

Having said that, if your girlfriend feels even a fraction as miserable as I did, you just cannot comprehend it. I used to feel like I was completely decaying & rotten underneath the skin / makeup / hair.

You need to tell your girlfriend that just because you cannot fully understand, it doesnt mean you dont care. You need to tell her that your relationship will not survive if she does not try to get over this. Her trying to get over it wont absolve her of responsibility. There is nothing to be gained by her punishing herself, it wont turn back the clock.

Go to the counselling yourself. If she absolutely will not go, try telling setting aside some time to discuss the abortion every week but not letting it infiltrate every part of your lives.

I dont know whether you can fix the relationship or not. It is a huge blow and you werent together very long. Be kind to your girlfriend and accept she is suffering but ultimately, she will need to help herself.

Peloquin

Well regards to saving the relationship, it doesn't matter now. At 13:30 today she texted me to tell me it's over.

I went to the counselling session and it was a huge help for me and really insightful. Without going into too much detail I was told that I have done all I can do and that I can do no more if she is not willing to talk to someone to help herself. I was told that I can't put up with the emotional abuse I have been doing and I need to leave her to it. I've realised just how much I've had to put up with and I can't believe it. That seems selfish I know as she's going through such a hard time but if it wasn't for the abortion I'd have told her to get lost for the way she treats me.
What I was told is that her behaviour is destructive and that she would have continued to abuse me for as long as I let her. And letting her was exactly what I was doing.

I was warned that she may contact me in a while because although she doesn't want anything to do with me now, she may very well miss me when she realises that the person she could take her guilt out on isn't there but I am to insist that we do not talk any further untill she gets help. That is of course if she ever gets in contact again.

I'm absolutely hearbroken and yet somehow relieved. I'm not sure if I'm relieved that this is the first real step that's been taken to try and mend things or that she's I won't be subjected to the emotional abuse anymore.

In typing this I do feel selfish but in her abscence, the session was mostly about me and my feelings which is a change.

Sorry I haven't directed replied to anyone giving advice to me on helping my girlfriend but since her breaking up with me earlier and the counselling session I've realised at this stage there is simply nothing more I can do until she decides to help herself, if she ever does.

I have sent her an email to tell her how helpful the counsellor was and to tell her that the counsellor really wants to see her. I've told her I love her and that if she gets help, I'll be there for her but other than that to just take care of herself and goodbye.

Kidchameleon

Fair play Peloquin, keep us all posted and best of look to you both.

Peloquin

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Fair play Peloquin, keep us all posted and best of look to you both.

I will, thank you.

Jesus Christ I can't believe we're actually finished

daisybelle2008

Peloquin wrote: »

I will, thank you.

Jesus Christ I can't believe we're actually finished

Don't think of it like this. Only think of it as given space and getting yourselves sorted. She has done you a massive favour. The way things were going more long term damage was being done, hurtful things would be said that could not be unsaid. Your relationship would only ever stand a chance if ye are both emotionally health people that deal with these things instead of torturing each other. You don't know what will happen down the line but there is more of a hope now than if ye stayed together. Read Katgurls mail anytime you have any doubts about that.

Peloquin

She texted me last night asking me if I was ok. It was hard to do but I did not reply and I'm not going to. I've never ignored her before but at the end of the day, we're finished I suppose.

Happy Valentine's Day :rolleyes:

Taltos

OP - as hard as it is you have to follow your counsellor's advice - I know it will be hard and without doubt shortly you will start receiving the texts and calls that will attempt to guilt you into contacting her. Whatever happens for your own sake you have to stay strong here and follow though on this. At this point in time there really is nothing you can do to help her except what you have already done - hopefully that will be the shock she needs to seek help for herself.

Taltos

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Fair play Peloquin, keep us all posted and best of look to you both.

Kidchameleon - please do not ask OP's to keep us updated on PI/RI. As per our charter this is an advice forum and is not for our entertainment.

Thanks
Taltos

I am a friend

She hadn't even the manners to finish with you face to face after all you have been through so don't bother responding to her - she doesn't deserve it

Peloquin

Unfortunately, I felt I had to break the silence after I received a few text messages from her. I wanted to reitterate why I will be "ignoring" her as she put it... There is absolutely no way I will be answering anything else after that.

I told her
" We’re finished. It’s what you wanted. Until you realise that you need to get help I can’t talk to you anymore. If you decide to go and speak to that counsellor then I will be here for you but until then, I won’t be talking to you anymore. I’ve tried everything I can with you and I can’t do anymore, I realise that now. Goodbye x"

She responded...
" Fine stick it up your hole I won't be ****ing nice about it. Give whatever you have belonging to me to [her friend's name]. As for the counsellor she can go **** herself and as for you being your usual bullying self you can go **** yourself too!!! Poxy ultimatums... B*llox to that!! Have a nice life, hope the counsellor helps considering you're so grief stricken!!!"

I'm getting texts now about how much she hates me and what an assh*le I am.

Taltos

OP - might be a good idea to keep all of those in case it escalates - but suggest you contact your service provider and see if you can get her number blocked.

Worst case - don't even read them - it will just tear you up - file them away and do what you can to take care of yourself.

Try and ignore them as best you can OP, you did the right thing and you must not reply and engage in this circle of emotional guilt tripping/abuse any more.
Go see the counsellor again as well maybe, it'll be hard for you over the next while to work through.

Keep a record of the texts but maybe back them up to your computer if you can and then ignore them, don't read them