Should I break up with my boyfriend? :-(

midnight_train

Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid-30s. About two years ago, I was engaged but called off the wedding about 3 months before it was to happen. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but I came to realize that my ex-fiance and I weren't right for each other and I've never regretted the decision.

After that experience, I was EXTREMELY careful about who I chose to commit to. I'd had a pattern of kind of 'falling into' relationships and staying for way longer than I should have to avoid being lonely. So I was single for a while.

About 18 months after I broke up with my fiance, I met my now-boyfriend. We've been together for a year. The good stuff: I love him in a BIG big way, I'm absolutely mad about him, and up until this past week, I thought he felt the same way. He's good to me, we have a lot in common, we have a great time together, we're attracted to each other, I just love being with him. We're not that young (me in my mid-30s and he's in his early 40s) but he's made it clear from early on that he's serious about me and wants to get married, have kids, etc. All good, right?

The bad part: it's a long distance relationship. He's Irish, I'm not. But as it happens, he lives in my home country, and I live in Ireland (we met when I was home for a visit last year). So, part of the reason why we get on so well normally is that we understand each others' backgrounds, if that makes sense. And even before we met, we'd both be over and back a lot between Ireland and my home country. So as distance goes, it could be a lot worse. He does come here a few times a year and I go over a few times a year as well.

Other bad stuff: he's a workaholic and he's been a bachelor for a very long time - I worry that even though he says he wants marriage and children, he won't be able to change his lifestyle in order to be a good father and husband.

We had a lovely time over Christmas together in my home country and then he surprised me by booking a week-long trip over to Ireland for Valentine's Day. To say I was delighted is an understatement - I know VDay is a dumb marketing holiday, but I haven't had anyone do anything nice for me on VDay in about 5 years. I won't go into all of the preparations I made in advance of his visit, but you can use your imaginations :-( I really wanted to make it special, and I was just so thrilled that he was coming.

Until last week. He dropped the bomb over Skype on Sunday that this big work thing had come up, and now he 'doesn't know' if he can come. The thing is, it IS a big deal and he works for himself in a competitive area, so I could actually understand if it's a opportunity he didn't want to miss. But it's the fact that he never discussed it with me, or promised to make it up to me. And then all week, when I would ask him what the story was, he'd keep saying 'I don't know, things are up in the air.' But I know that 'I don't know' means 'no,' but he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. We were supposed to talk about it this morning - I sent him a long email explaining exactly how I felt, and that I wanted him to read the email and then we'd talk on Skype. Now he says he's too busy to talk today and has put off the conversation til tomorrow!

He has done this before - making a decision that impacts me/our relationship, not discussing it with me, and then avoiding telling me about it because he knows it'll upset me. Really crap in any circumstances, but especially in a long distance relationship where communication is really all you have.

Lads, what should I do? I love him, but I'm devastated and so frustrated. I can't be waiting around for him, I know I'm not ancient, but I'm at the age where fertility is an issue. He wants me to drop everything in Ireland to move over to be with him, but now I feel like I can't trust him at all - I do think he loves me, but maybe he is not long-term relationship material.

I don't know what to do :-( I was so looking forward to seeing him, and now everything's f*cked.

Thank you for reading, sorry this was so long. Thanks in advance for any insight you can share.

Fenian Army

You sound overly paranoid and insecure imo.

It is a big work thing and obviously thats more important that valentines day. He wants you to come over and have a family with him, work and income is a vital part of that. Missing this could be damaging, especially in the current economy, even more so when you consider that he is self employed. He booked flights etc in order to come over and be with you, I reckon he is gutted that he can't and now you are breaking his balls over something he has no control over - email sounds like a head-wreck making him feel ****ty for something that's not his fault. I'm not surprised he has put off talking to you about it.

You are making this into a big deal when really it isn't. You are disappointed, understandably, and are overreacting, maybe a touch of cold feet too about moving.

He was probably dying to come over and spend a romantic week with you, now he can't. No doubt he feels crap about it, and now you are thinking about breaking up with him because of it? He's missing a great week away too you know, for work.

I think you are being massively unfair on the man. I think he has his priorities in the right order, making sure everything is financially secure etc, sacrificing a week away he was looking forward to, and booked, with the woman he loves, its a real bad break for him too, not just yourself.

This has made you not trust the man and doubt he loves you? MASSIVE overreaction and suggests an underlying issue, cold feet about moving abroad, nervousness about that, would be my guess.

That said, not helped by him fobing you of with "I don't know" but perhaps understandable if he has had the long email overreaction thing before. Understandable, but not right.

Neyite

midnight_train wrote: »

Until last week. He dropped the bomb over Skype on Sunday that this big work thing had come up, and now he 'doesn't know' if he can come. The thing is, it IS a big deal and he works for himself in a competitive area, so I could actually understand if it's a opportunity he didn't want to miss. But it's the fact that he never discussed it with me, or promised to make it up to me. And then all week, when I would ask him what the story was, he'd keep saying 'I don't know, things are up in the air.' But I know that 'I don't know' means 'no,' but he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. We were supposed to talk about it this morning - I sent him a long email explaining exactly how I felt, and that I wanted him to read the email and then we'd talk on Skype. Now he says he's too busy to talk today and has put off the conversation til tomorrow!

He has done this before - making a decision that impacts me/our relationship, not discussing it with me, and then avoiding telling me about it because he knows it'll upset me. Really crap in any circumstances, but especially in a long distance relationship where communication is really all you have..

I think that this is the crux of the issue - if he had discussed things with you, chances are that you would be encouraging and supportive if he needed to change plans for work commitments, but because he made the decision without letting you know, then dodging talking about it is the frustrating bit. This, in my mind, is the big part. Its a big ask to expect someone to move countries when communication is so bad.

You cant judge what kind of a dad he is going to be until he is a dad. I believe my partner will be a great dad to our child due in may, just like he feels I will be a great mum, but the truth is, we have absolutely no idea what we will be like until we are there. He may be a workaholic now, but may want to pull back on that when children come along, or not. Simply no way of knowing, I'm afraid. All I know is that we are commited to working together on it, whatever comes.

Your boyfriend does need to know that his lack of communication is impacting to the point you are reconsidering your relationship. I would suggest that you wait until he can talk to you on skype, and then tell him you are reconsidering the relationship - not because he cancelled plans, but because he refused to talk to you about the decision making process and the aftermath.

midnight_train

Thanks Neyite, yes that really is the thing that's making it all so much worse than it needs to be. Yes, it's terribly disappointing that he's cancelling, but it feels a million times worse because I feel blindsided, and that he doesn't discuss these things with me.

I know some of my friends think I'm overreacting - but it's a combination of things. Not just this whole issue that I posted on, but also stress over whether or not I should move for him, and if I decide not to move for him, and not to continue the relationship, the fear of being alone and not meeting anyone again, not being able to have kids, etc.

No fun

EGAR

Life and people cannot be put in a box and nothing in life is guaranteed.

Perhaps you are too hung up about having children and base every decision you make on that? I think your own insecurities are hemming you in.

Talk to him, explain how much it means to you.

tinkerbell

Jees OP, you are being completely unreasonable. He has to cancel because of an important work event, something which he most likely would rather not to and instead spend a holiday with you instead, but sometimes these things happen and there's nothing you can do about it. You can just rearrange your plans for the week after or something.

midnight_train

He's not rebooking anything. Says he's too busy.
So now I don't get to see him at all :-(

LovelyLottie

For what it's worth, i don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're upset, you're upset. I would say - look at the facts of the situation and your relationship overall, look at his actions, how he treats you overall and then see if you're happy with things. If not, talk to him about what is bothering you.

If this is an isolated incident, cut him some slack. If he lets you down all the time, regularly gets your hopes up then cancels last minute, then i'd be viewing things differently.

I agree with what Neyite said above about communication being all-important, especially in a long-distance situation.

You need to speak to him, explain how you feel and see what he says. Leave out the stuff about your biological clock ticking etc. - seriously that shouldn't be influencing your decision right now.

If he wants you to move to be with him, why on earth don't you? A long-distance relationship, in my humble opinion, is not a real relationship. I've had one. It was full of highs and lows. When we spent proper extended time together we couldn't make it work. If you want to know if this relationship is gonna last, move to be with him and see if it works.

Any guy knows that cancelling a much-anticipated trip (Valentine's or not) especially where long-distance is involved, will not go down well. I imagine he didn't tell you outright because he knew you'd flip. But maybe there are other issues that you need to discuss with him, i really don't know. All the best.

midnight_train

Thanks, Lovely Lottie.

Yeah, there are other things going on, one biggie is, of course, whether or not I should move to be with him.

I haven't done so because

1. we've only been 'together' (at a distance) for a year and I'm afraid to give up my whole life here for someone I haven't known that long, and

2. I moved for an ex before and it turned out to be a huge mistake, one I'm afraid of making again (but this time it would be harder to start over, because I'm older).

My BF's way of making this up to me was to offer to pay for my next ticket home to visit him. I know he's trying to make amends, but it's not like I need his money to travel back - I was planning to go on my accord with my own money later in the spring.

If anything, this experience has taught me that I'm actually pretty lonely, and I had never really accepted that fact until now. I do have some very close friends here, but things have changed as people don't go out as often anymore, etc., and I really do miss having my boyfriend nearby, and my family, too (but there are issues there, unfortunately). I think I have used all the travelling back and forth as kind of a plaster and a way to delay making a long-term decision on what to do with my life. I had put so much emphasis on him coming here for a week and put other decisions/responsibilities on the backburner - it was much more fun to do my nails and get waxed in advance of his visit, ha ha. And now that he's not coming, I think my strong reaction (or overreaction?) is not only deep disappointment that I won't see him, but also it's shown me that I am actually much lonelier than I'd realized.

Miss Fluff

midnight_train wrote: »

Other bad stuff: he's a workaholic

As someone who had her heart broken once by someone who had a bona fide addiction to their work I would not take him being a workaholic lightly. I'm not entirely sure whether this is just something you've thrown in there or whether this man is in fact a workaholic? If it's the latter then I would seriously proceed with caution. Has he put work before you a lot? Does he spend an inordinate amount of time in the evenings/at weekends? What are his interpersonal relationships like? Does he have a wide variety of interests and a lot of friends? If this is not the first time he has cancelled on you and put work first then I'd be examinging everything a little closer if I were you.