Friendship advice

LegacyUser

I would like to get some advice from other ladies here.
I have been friends with A for over 10 years. I have always been there for the good and not so good times. Any time she rang me and said will you come with me to such a thing I would say yes as that is what you do for your friends. We are both in our late 30's not married and don't have children when everyone around us is part of a couple, married or has children. A has a good job and has a lot of money saved. A few months ago a guy who I will call H asked A out. She has known H for a few years. I think that H is using her to move his life on. He knows that she has money and has seen her on her own for a long time before he asked her out.
Since then A has not given up one night with H to go out with me. I was left sitting home for my birthday and all over Christmas. I use to get the odd phone call and text message from her last year. A few weeks before Christmas I asked her could we go out just the two of us some night and she made an excuse to me then.
During the Christmas period she sent me a text asking could we meet up that evening & I said yes. We were chatting and she stated to tell me about H and what had happen between them. From what she told me H is very immature. He has done and said a lot of things which a man of his age should not have done. A asked me what she should do about H?
I know that A wants to get married and have a family. I had to say that H has a lot of growing up to do and I felt he was using her. I told her that I was not saying this to be mean but I would hate to see her wasting her time with a man who was unwilling or unable to move there relationship on. I also told her about a job interview I was to have early in the new year.
I spoke to her once since the start of the year and have heard nothing from her since even though she knew I had the job interview. At this stage I am annoyed with her over all of this as I was there for her for during the bad times. I hate feeling like I was been used until H asked her out and once this happen I would be there when she needed me.
I would like to ask the other ladies what I should do now in regards to A?

Wibbs

Moved from the Ladies Lounge as it's more suitable for here

LovelyLottie

OP - i understand your frustration at the situation. It's annoying when friends prioritise a guy, but it happens. I know i've done it in the past and i'm not proud of it

I think you should cut her a bit of slack though for not making time for you at the moment - she's caught up in the 'romance' of the early days.

If she asked your opinion of the guy, then you were right to give her an honest opinion. You're a friend and you care - I don't think that makes you sound like you fancy him for yourself. Though it would be understandable if you were a little envious of her meeting a guy - i'd be feeling a little jealous if my only other single friend paired off with someone.

When this type of thing happens to me nowadays (friends p1ssing me off or letting me down), i do get annoyed but i tend to just suck it up. I can't be @rsed having a big show-down about it these days. Life's too short. People lead busy lives with boyfriends, husbands, babies, work. If you want to talk to her about it, perhaps do, but be careful how you phrase it. Say maybe that you miss spending time with her, and suggest you do something together.

If she's less available for doing things with you, i'd suggest you try and start doing a few things yourself - it's not easy, but become a little less dependent on her and then you will be less annoyed when she's not available. All the best.

James W

I'm not a lady but you have told A what you think in relation to H and there is nothing more you can do. You have to respect your friend to the extent that you believe in her ability and competence to make her own decisions - she sounds fairly sensible and mature. You also have to entertain the possibility that A&H might have something going on. I'd say a lot of women are more mature than the men they end up with or, to be more accurate, women and men tend to be mature in different ways and have different strengths.

If you really care about A then you will let her make her own way and learn from her mistakes - if she is making any - that's what life is about! If it all goes pear shaped then, if you're the friend you claim to be, you'll be there to support her. I don't think A has let you down - her life has a new focus at the moment.

I know that many of my former buddies with whom I used to socialise are no longer free and single - that's life - it's the way it goes. These things often move in cycles and a good friend remains a good friend even if you only see them once or twice per year.

You need to clairfy the difference between your friendship with this person and you own needs - don't confuse the two.

gud4u

The two posts above really sum it up. I would only add that when people ask an opinion they should respect that opinion whether they like it or not. People do move on and if H is immature and it doesn't work out just be there to pick up the pieces, that's if you're really long term friends and want to. If you're not that friendly then you can let it be.
Giving relationship advice is something I try to avoid now as I'm starting to see that while you might have the best of intentions in what advice to give, couple relationships can be very complex and only they know what they really want from each other.

peter barrins

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