Poem critique

crfcaio

Hey, everyone

That's probably my first time posting in this forum, so I better make a good first impression!

Beware that this is a free verse and English is my second language. Any constructive feedback welcome, though.



The Sky

I look above and The Sky is there
Whether it’s cloudy, sunny, blue or black
I look above and The Sky is there

I wonder why The Sky does not fall on us
When it sees the destruction on Earth
I wonder why The Sky does not answer us
When we look above and send our prayers
I wonder why The Sky sometimes cries
In a beautiful, sunny day
I wonder why The Sky sometimes shines
In the darkest of the days

I wonder why The Sky hides itself with clouds and punish us with thunders and rains
I wonder why The Sky, your Highness all-mighty, does not act amid mayhem
It seems like there’s no Sky
It seems like there’s no reason to believe in The Sky
It seems like The Sky is an illusion of our eyes, an illusion of our minds

Then why praise The Sky? Why let it rule our lives?

Why not live disregard how The Sky feels?
Why not live instead of blaming The Sky for our misfortunes?
Why not live and do what’s right, and not abide to the laws of The Sky?
Why not be responsible for our lives?

Why not stop ****ing relying on The Sky?
The Sky is there. And is not doing anything.
Deal with it.
The Sky is above us, watching us, inspecting us, waiting to see us kill and rape and cry and fear and despair and blame all this destruction on him

I look above and The Sky is there
Whether it’s cloudy, sunny, blue or black
I look above and The Sky is there

BEAT

It is difficult to critique poetry as generally speaking poetry is personal and means something totally different to the writer than the reader.

That being said this is not a poem I would personally like and it does need some work with the flow of it all.
The only advice I can offer is practice makes perfect, so keep posting them and keep letting your emotions push the pencil.

PurpleBee

I think your free verse is a little too free.

As an escape from convention, free verse requires its own kind of discipline that seems to be lacking here. I don't understand why the rhythm of the piece changes the way it does,

The verse is random rather than free.

crfcaio

Hmm interesting feedback, thank you guys.

I guess it seems a little off because I tried to do a spoken word piece...
But I'll try to work on it. Cheers!