Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

stagnant relationship

  • 09-02-2012 3:02am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My boyfriend and I are in our late 20's. We've been together 6 years and live together. We haven't had sex for well over a year (sex was always infrequent but it this is the worst by 8 months for a break. It was always his refusal and we tried tantric massage and some other things but it wasn't his thing so we just stopped trying-I stopped trying, he wasn't already). We don't do any of the same things and I always go out without him. He is depressed and self-harms by scratching himself and pulling body hair out obsessively. He has sleep problems that have improved but he still doesn't sleep until the early hours and sleeps for 36 hrs at least once a week. We don't share a bed at this point. I sleep on the sofa because that way he can't stay up on his pc and because he doesn't wash more than once every 2-4 weeks and while he doesn't have BO his hair reeks from not washing and it's always under a hat.

    That's the bad stuff. We are best friends just not intimate. When he's not down we talk about things that no one else even thinks of. We get each other. I think we're like an old married couple and surely that's a level of intimacy that should go beyond all the physical stuff? We have helped each other get through drug withdrawl, date rape, operations, cyber cheating and my cheating once in March. I've been there for him and he's been there for me.

    I can't sleep because I just want to be held and hold someone. I am craving affectionate physical contact. I tried cheating but I can't do it; That's not the intimacy I'm missing. A friend suggested that maybe an open relationship is the answer. Maybe if I had permission to express my sexuality then we'd be more touchy.I was date raped in May and I know part of this is a need for "sexual healing".


Comments

  • #2
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    You are not describing a relationship there, or at least not a proper, 'loving couple' one. What you have described is a co-dependant friendship. A habit.

    You dont sleep together, dont do things together, and it sounds like you dont really like much about him anymore. However, you do have a deep shared history, and it sounds like that is the only thing keeping you together. That and need, based on having relied on each other for so long.

    You dont need an open relationship, you need a real relationship. It is ok to leave this man you know. You dont owe each other anything, and you dont need to stay out of duty or your prior commitment to him. It sounds like youve grown apart and being together is now unhealthy for you both, but neither of you seem able or willing to face the pain of that reality.

    The other issue is his problems. And it really seems like he does have some. But all you can do is point that out to him and hope he listens to you. You cannot fix him and you shouldnt try, because that has to come from him, first.


  • #3
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    arghhhhhhh wrote: »
    A friend suggested that maybe an open relationship is the answer.

    While I am sure well-intentioned, that's probably some of the worst advice you'll ever get. I think doing this would only compound your plethora of existing issues.

    As Oryx said, the dynamic between you is based around an unhealthy codependency. It sounds toxic actually and it seems like you are both dragging one another down. I'd be seriously considering my future with this man if I were you.


  • #4
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hey OP,

    I think you really have to weight up what you are getting out of this relationship that makes it worth having, in romantic terms. Some people are happy with a platonic relationship, some not - I'd be in the latter camp and it sounds like you are, too.

    I think there a millions of people out there that make excellent listeners and are great to chat to - but a great friend doesn't a romantic relationship make and if you want a sexual side to your relationship then it sounds like you are completely mismatched at present.

    First things first, I think you have to lay your cards on the table and tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask that he help himself - you deserve to have a partner who, at the very least, doesn't have personal hygiene issues and is affectionate towards you to the point it isn't something you crave.

    I would also have a good think about whether this is a healthy and worthwhile relationship to be in anyway, it sounds completely toxic to me...how much healing you can possibly do while having to help and hold-together someone else?

    All the best.


Advertisement