bullied at 20?

LegacyUser

hi I'm a 20 year old male in college today my so called "friends" who i met this year and get on with started bullying me today. this was definitely beyond what slagging consists of (we slag all the time and this was definitely a little more vicious and targeted). there is a group of 5 of us me inluded i only really like one of the guys there he did not bully me the other 3 did today i noticed they have been quite clanish the last while and have been treating me differently. i am a bit overweight and lack confidence and i always feel like the loser or the lacky in a social group of friends.

im a virgin but i didnt tell them that. one of the guys continuously calls me a virgin for a slag and i just laugh it off with all of them and usually just shrug it off. i dont wanna attract attention to it so i either slag back and change the subject or just act like im busy. they always dig me when talking about sex and girls etc, its like they know i dont get any action. they know by looking at me im quiet and i have not a lot of confidence or good looks. they do so they think its ok to slag me. but its gone beyond a slag starting today.

we were having lunch and there was a few other guys i dont know there who are friends of some of the guys. they were slagging as usual and talking bout sex etc i started laughing and one of the guys said oh eoghan (me) loves these stories he gets no action himself so he always loves to hear a good story. lots of laughs at my expense. this time i just gave dirty looks and turned the other cheek. i didnt retort. i dont believe in violence and have quite a good temperment so i didnt lose my cool altho i very easily could have.

one of the guys then started splashing water out of a bottle on me as a joke of course i ignored him as to not rise to it but then he started splashing it all over me and i was like hey give it up!! etc etc i didn't get violent i just kinda took it they were all laughing at me. i just smiled and sat there everyone was holding back their laughter and i was like a clown or something. he stopped when he saw i wasnt rising to it but then one of his friends who i dont even know came up behind me and poured water all over my head and i was like oh f.ck this (in my head) i so badly wanted to get violent but i didnt i let them have their fun. they started styling my hair up saying oh we are only helping you here wear your hair like this and maybe someone will have sex with you. then a big encore of laughter of course at my expense and i was like go away and i walked off. they sometimes call me fat too and just say things that "friends" shouldn't say to each other.

i went and cried in the bathroom then alone. i have a tonne of problems like every other person!!!. i don't like being fat. i could have told him im a fat virgin i dont need people telling me that. i have to deal with a lot of things in my life at the moment (i have an alcoholic mother for starters , and just family issues and confidence issues etc but thats not for this thread). do they not know that this hurts peoples feelings. people are affected by words especially when they are down in themselves anyway

i had very hot soup in a cup in my hand. i was thinking i could have very easily threw it in one of their faces and thus permamently disfuguring him? but i didnt want to. i dont believe violence will solve this issue. i am rly sad writing this and i don't wanna tell a family member since i don't feel comfortable saying im a virgin to them. thanks for reading any advice is appreciated

going un-reg

Op, I'm sorry this is happening to you, this is not proper behavior of so called "friends". The fact being, they're not your friends, as harsh as that sounds. They see you as an easy target to act their "pack mentality" upon. I went through similar circumstances to yourself, and the advice that I had been given at the time, which I took and which was successful, was to find decent people to hang out with, and distance myself from people that like to get their kicks from picking on other people.

These sound like a bunch of twats, and you can do so much better. Calling someone a "virgin" as an insult is pushing it pretty far. It just shows their level of immaturity.

My advice is to lose these bullies, and socialize with other people. Being overweight and a virgin can be tough (yet again, I can relate). What I ended up doing, is pretending to be confident about myself, which people see as real confidence. Overtime this provided natural confidence in myself as people interacted with me in a more welcoming, engaging way.

I hope you sort this out OP.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP, so sorry to hear that you had to go through this.

One thing I will say is there is no such thing as a bully who is 100 per cent happy and confident in themselves.
The only reason that anyone ever has to bully is down to themselves, their own insecurities, their own unhappiness. Ever since I learned this I look upon every bully I come across in life, in the workplace, in school, in social environments, with nothing but pity. It makes sense.
Bear that in mind when you get frustrated thinking about this.

Being friends with these people will also not help your weight problem, I was overweight as a teen and I know now that the biggest part of the problem is not loving yourself enough to care what you are putting into your body and how can you do that if you're constantly being criticised? Even if you know they're wrong on some level you are taking it in.

So it is critical for you to find new friends. Keep your cool, you will only give them a great laugh if you lash out and let them see they are getting to you. Think of it this way, at that lunch time, they spent most of the time laughing at you, what would they have done otherwise? If you go and find other friends, even just one, they will have alot less to talk about. The fact of the matter is they will probably find someone else in the group to tease because that's probably all that they can do to cover up their own social ineptitude.

So for you the solution is simple, join a club, anything to make new friends. If you can't do this, If I were you, I would rather just hang out on my own at lunch hour than with them; at least that way you won't be subjected to abuse.

Also, it may seem like you're all grown up at 20, but try to consider, you are still so young. You can make great friends in your future, these lads are not the end of the story friendship wise for you. I made most of my good friends now later in my 20s because I simply knew myself better then.

Re the weight issue: everyone is different, I had about 10 years of struggles which I finally got on top of with a combination of things. Therapy really helped, because when I was just dieting and exercising alone I kept putting it back on. It's good to get to the root of the problem because it is often largely emotional, then seek a good nutritionist to make a plan for you. It will turn your life around and it will be worth it, I know from experience, and if you go on a proper diet, not a crash one, take it slow, you can still enjoy lots of food. I know it's hard to believe when you're on that end of the spectrum but a year from now, when you're 21, you could have the body you have always wanted.

I hope in years to come that this is a situation you can look back and laugh at.

gaa131

Hey mate i'm sorry to read this stuff and I hope you're ok. I'm honestly surprised that this **** goes on in college. First off, your so called friends sound like childish assholes and if you don't really like them then stop hanging out with them. What college is this?

If you're fat then you're fat - so what? You're 20 and a virgin - I imagine you're one of many and I'd argue that at 20 you should be a virgin. I'd bet that most of the guys slagging you are also virgins - it's not an issue so park it. Regarding your weight, if you don't like it then get to the gym or out running or join some sports team, and eat healthily.

The first question I'd ask is why you hang out with lads who treat you like a fool and the majority of whom you say you don't even like?

When that lad poured water over your head why did you just sit there? There is a difference between non-violence and not standing up for or protecting yourself.

It sounds to me that your main issue is that you don't have much self confidence - for whatever reason - and that you don't place great value on yourself. You must start to address these issues. You speak about yourself in really negative terms - you need to stop this and accept yourself as you are. To me, you sound like a decent, smart young lad who is afraid to assert himself because he doesn't think he's good enough.

I would move away from these lads, even if it means being on your own. There are sound, genuine people in college whom I'm sure would make good pals. Just go to the library and study during lunch or attend some lunchtime seminars.

If there is a counsellor in your college, or a chaplain, it might do no harm to drop them an email and have a chat with them - tell them what's happening at home and in your life. I'm sorry that you felt so hurt you ended up crying in the bathroom, but you really need to start believeing in yourself and placing value on yourself and the great guy that you are. The fact that not a single person at the table stood up for you says very little for them and would suggest to me that they are cowards who just follow the herd. As I have said, I did not realise that this sort of carry on went on at third level.

Iwasfrozen

I agree with gaa131. But I'd like to add this. Violence is not always bad. Not in the case of self defence where someone else is very obviously disrespecting you. You need to stand up for yourself and give yourself value. You're as good as any of those other guys. You think they'd let you pour water over them? You'd walk away with a busted nose and rightly so. Why should they get away with doing it to you? :mad:

neuro-praxis

Eurgh, your post made my blood boil.

It is time to stand up for yourself. Friends treat one another with good humour, kindness and concern, not this absolute bullsh1t. These people treat you this way because (a) they're assh0les and (b) YOU LET THEM.

Never, ever allow anyone to treat you like this again as long as you live. Do not associate with these people any more.

Instead, start rebuilding your confidence and your life, one small change at a time, and you will begin attracting good people. Wipe the dust off your feet now and move on.

Taltos

OP - these are NOT your friends.

I wouldn't split a packet of sugar with them.
Cut them out - stay civil but cut them out of your life. No one needs idiots like that spoiling their time in college.

Don't get sucked back in by any of them - as another poster said since not one stood up for you they have made it perfectly clear they supported this action.
Can I suggest you cut all ties - but keep a confidential record of any future events including witnesses and if this escalates speak to the college immediately - they have a duty of care for you and do everything you can to remind them of this....

Taltos

Can I remind all that encouraging violence is against our Charter, any posts recommending violence of any form may result in a ban.

Thanks
Taltos

pragmatic1

They sound like a bunch of tools who are going to wind up the wrong person someday. Ignore them and find some new people to hang around with. You're only a young pup trust me theres sounder people out there to have the craic with.

CyberJuice

they arent your mates, stop hanging around with them,go sit on your own at lunch if need be or go hide in some spot where they wont see you,after a couople months of no contact they will get the hint that u dont like them and will leave u alone,try find friends more like yourself that arent the alpha male types that drink and shag every girl in sight, hang out with more geekier type guys, guys that may have similar issues and interests as yourself,these guys arent your type it seems

Arithon

What everybody else said.

They are bringing down your confidence, and either they are heedless of your discomfort, or are happy to cause it. In either case, it would be much healthier for you to find different people to hang out with, who can support you as an individual, as good friends should.

It sounds like the bullying was not just yesterday. Slagging is only fine when it doesn't upset the target. When it does, it's not really good-natured any more, and isn't acceptable even among acquaintances, let alone so-called friends.

There are loads of people who will be better friends than these, so go out and find them. Clubs, sports, work, whatever works for you.

And note, I had acne, am short for a guy, and didn't have sex until 23. My friends never said a word, offered help when I needed it, and I'm very very happy to have them as friends. Find people who will support you rather than put you down, and they can help make your future much happier.

tawnyowl

These people are treating you like dirt - you deserve better. You've done nothing to them, but they've humiliated you.

You mention other problems in your life - your mothers' alcoholism, for example. Have you spoken to anyone about support for you or your mother - has your GP been of any help?

EdenHazard

Dude, hate reading **** like that. It's not on. Like GAA said so what your a virgin, you can change being fat but so what your fat. You gotta believe in yourself no matter what. I was a frigit until I was 19 and still am a virgin, who cares? What do these idiots look like? Bet they don't pull ever. Think about it man, don't let the haters/backstabbers get to you, move away don't be a victim for them. Just live your life happy dude, ignore people who gonna put you down.
With these pack of twats, move away, ignore them, be short wit them see if they crawl back, but everytime knock them back until your in the dominant position. When you get there remain distant but stay friends. Try find someone you can actually get on with proper but stay friends with these at a distance. If they don't come back ah well, really missing nothing.

Someone slags you about your appearence say 'state of you mate, swear you look like ****in justin bieber u ugly ****'
someone slags your virginity 'i don't pull when im fat, your skinny and only thing you pull is your plumb after a night out' I guarentee these lads are ugly which annoys me even more.

BUT SERIOUSLY MAN TAKE CONTROL. PM ME PLEASE IF ANY QUESTIONS. I'm not good at expressin myself very well but i know what im talking about so more specific stuff i could help you. im same age as well!!
The beauty is inside you dont let em bring you down!!!!!!!

<Youtube is not permitted use can result in bans>

Taltos

EdenHazard - please take the time to familiarise yourself with our Charter.

Use of youtube is a bannable offence in PI/RI as is asking an OP to contact you.

Thanks
Taltos

Call Me Jimmy

Aside from the stuff that's already been said I'd like to make another point.

These guys sitting around in a group have so little to talk about that they have to fill the gaps in what would be silence if they didn't pick on you. They're boring and you should realise this. I don't even know them and I know that.

I know that the only conversations they have are narrations of 'crazy' **** they do and attempting to humiliate you is not only something they do for amusement at the time but later, when they are all sitting around in near silence, they can fill it by talking about what they did to you earlier. I'd feel sorry for them if I were you, really.

Your problem now is the fact that you thought they were friends and hence relied on them for socialising maybe, but you'll find other people soon enough.

These guys lack creativity in any sense. If they've gotten to college and are still doing this **** I'd say there's little hope for any of them.

The best thing about this is that you can get away from them very easily, but they're stuck with their boring selves for the rest of their lives.

EdenHazard

sorry about that but very emotive subject for me! this is the kinda thing i just can stand to hear. chris browns song captures what the guy is going through which is why i posted the video, a pretty stupid rule imo

gaa131

Yeah it gets my blood boiling too - spent 3 years in secondary school being bullied but college was a breath of fresh air - I'm actually surprised this sort of crap goes on at third level and I'm sure, as other posters have said, that there are more worthy, mature people to hangout with.

I'm sure you know that most colleges have counselling and chaplain services as well as welfare officers - don't be shy about contacting them.

Zen65

Iwasfrozen wrote: »

Violence is not always bad. Not in the case of self defence where someone else is very obviously disrespecting you.

Violence will not help OP in any way. Turning insults into violence will only make matters worse in every way!!

There are several issues at play in OP's post. The behaviour of the 'friends' is pitiful, but it is not the real issue. Those friends can be dumped, but the OP is unhappy with his life position, and he needs to give that some attention.

Firstly though, the "virgin" thing is a distraction. The vast majority of 20-year-olds in college are virgins, they just don't admit it. There's no special importance to this status.

i have to deal with a lot of things in my life at the moment (i have an alcoholic mother for starters , and just family issues and confidence issues etc but thats not for this thread). do they not know that this hurts peoples feelings. people are affected by words especially when they are down in themselves anyway

We all have (or have had) issues in our lives. That you have responded to these issues by failing to care for your body is a problem that you need to deal with now, before it becomes a lifestyle you cannot escape. You need to take responsibility for your weight issue and deal with it. Begin by managing your diet more carefully: stop eating junk food and start some sort of regular exercise regime.

These idiots have not been kind to you. In a strange way however they may give you the impetus to sort out your life sooner than you might otherwise have done. Use this sense of annoyance to prompt you to take positive action about your weight. No matter how much you may believe that it's not anybody else's business, the reality is that unless you deal with your weight now it will dominate your life for the next 50 years. You think your alcoholic mother is a burden to you but you would appear to have your own addiction, and you need to sort that out now before you help her in any way.

Get help. There are so many people who can help you to to manage this weight problem it would be a shame not to get their help. Any organisation which can help you to exercise, or to manage your calorie intake would be a good ally for you right now. Those friends are not going to help you.

Be at peace,

Z

qwertytlk

I swear my heart was actually breaking reading that... People can be so cruel. These guys arent your friends, friends do not try and humiliate other friends. Nor do they deliberatley try and hurt them. I know these are your 'friends' in college so even though they are treating you like sh+t you are probably reluctant to walk away from them as you may be on your own then....but wouldnt that be better (for a while untill you meet some new mates) than hanging around a group of people who are willing to humiliate and hurt you for a laugh? Id say it definatley would be better...anything would be better than that.
These people are doing this because they probably dont feel too great themselves, and are all likely virgins too, so thats why they slag you, to take focus off themselves and to make themselves feel big/better about their own situations.
You seem like a really nice,kind, intelligent, sensitive guy who i for one would feel proud to call my friend so im sure plenty of others will feel the same way. And thats coming from someone whos only a little older than yourself(25) so please walk away from these assholes and you will soon find a nice new group of people to hang around with who dont get their kicks from making other people feel like crap about themselves.
And just on the weight issue, if your not comfortable how you are then this is the perfect time to do something about it. Join a gym or do some other form of excercise. This could also be a great opportunity for you to meet new friends and something to do in your spare time-which will hopefully keep you away from that pack of wasters.
Take care op and please dont take what those idiots are saying to heart. You should actually feel sorry for them, i mean they should be ashamed of themselves treating another person like that. It wont win them any points with the girls either-if i saw a guy going on like that id never want anything to do with him...EVER.
Take care of yourself and just remember everyone here on boards is always here to talk if you need to.