who is wrong in this situation?

curiosityofme

ok so i have come to a point where i don't know if i am right or wrong and i need some unbiased perspective.
i met my good friend for a drink last night (both of us girls of 25) and we also met a mutual male friend who we did not see in 5 years.
i arranged to get the luas home (the last one being at 12.30) and she arranged to get the last bus at 11.30. she was keeping an eye on her clock and fast forward 2 hours and i asked her the time. it was 11.40 so she had missed the last bus. she then said "ok we'll all share a taxi" but i only had €5 on me plus my luas card so i thought it was best i got a luas. when i told her this she freaked out cursing at me and saying i'm very selfish. her reaction must have pushed me away. before i even made a decision as to how to get home she shouted at me "u wanna get the luas- just go!!" i felt bad so i gave the guy €5 towards their taxi as that is all i had. i did not want to get a taxi costing €30 and only pay €5. i explained this to her afterwards but she was sticking to her decision that i was very immature and selfish. she told me if i had shared a taxi and contributed my €5 then it would have been less for her but i did give the €5 anyway so i told her it wouldnt have made a difference moneywise but she says if i came i wud have given the €5 on top of what the guy gave. i immediately felt bad after leaving the 2 of them get a taxi and i broke down in tears. i admit i did a wrong thing and apologised but she made such a fuss over it that i wonder am i really selfish or is she overreacting? i didnt like being spoken to the way she spoke to me.
she sent me a text last night saying the taxi cost €30 and its ridiculous she cant afford this!! i dont know what to say back- i've told her my reasons and genuinely apologised but i cant help wondering am i wrong or right here?

she also said "You were selfish tonight because you decided you wanted to suit yourself and just did what you wanted to do and didnt consider anyone else." and she said she found what i did odd..

please somebody advise me as she is a very close friend and its upsetting me that i let her down. i shouldnt have left her get a taxi alone with our male friend (he is safe but maybe she'd find it uncomfortable)
was it a mean thing of me what i did? any advice appreciated

so your friend, who is 25 years old, couldnt get herself to her bus on time?

and then she expects you to cough up for a taxi because SHE missed HER bus?

jeez! i wouldnt have apologised at all, definately wouldnt have GIVEN her 5 euro, might have lent it to her, if she was short.

i think she needs to grow up.

Venus_Rus84

Bit of a strange reaction from your friend I think - especially considering her age.

How close do you live together. There is no way I would ask a friend to share a taxi with me (especially if we had both planned to get public transport separately) if we lived miles apart. If you do live relatively close - why could she not have got the Luas with you and then a (shorter) taxi ride from there?

Also, I think this depends on each of your circumstances, - if you both work, live near each other, could you not just have gone to the bank link and gotten some money? But if you're in college I wouldn't expect that myself.

But in spite of all that, I think her reaction was totally uncalled for. She missed her bus - thats not your fault. No need to start shouting at you in front of other other friends. Plus, you gave her the 5 euro which you really didnt have to - but it was a nice gesture. If my friend was a student/unemployed I probably would have done the same. But if shes working, no way! Again, its not your fault she missed the bus!!

Daisy M

Your friend was wrong she completely over reacted and is now manipulating you into believing you were in the wrong. Is it possible that it was the drink talking or is this behaviour typical of her, do you normally roll over and let her make decisions? There is no way you should apologise again, state where your coming from and ask for an apology. I would be rethinking this friendship.

Big Bag of Chips

So basically she wanted you to subsidise her taxi, and when you didn't you were selfish.

If she can't afford a taxi, she should get the bus. If she misses the bus or doesn't get it for whatever reason she should not expect her friends to pay for her to get home.

Maybe the only possible thing you could have done different was agreed to all leave around the same time, that way she wouldn't have felt she was leaving the 2 of you to have a great night, while she had to go home.... actually scrap that, she's 25, not 15!! Sometimes you have to leave something early when you don't want to. Doesn't give you the right to abuse your friends because of it.

Did she expect you to pay a fiver, her to pay a fiver and let yer man pick up the rest??

I'd ignore her and any sulky contact from her now. You won't reason with her until she realises she's being over the top.

Edit: actually one reply I'd be tempted to send is... you can't afford a taxi, neither can I, that's why I got the luas.

Although she mightn't read it in the snotty tone I'd mean it!

gaa131

Talk about childish and spoiled - at 25!

It was her responsibility to make sure she made her bus on time and, if not, had the cash to get home by other means.

Tell her to grow up and act her age.

Miss Fluff

So she misses her bus because she didn't keep an eye on the time, has you in tears because of how she reacts and then accepts you subsiding her fare? She sounds like a spoilt little madam, you did nothing wrong so don't let her manipulate the situation into you believing you are in the wrong!

Squiggler

Op, your friend sounds just like a friend of mine, living in this little dreamworld where her mistakes shouldn't have any consequences and if they do it's someone else's fault and expecting everyone to go with her itinerary, regardless of whether they could afford it.

You did nothing wrong.

Your friend was totally out of line. As others have said, if she couldn't afford a taxi she should have made sure she got her bus. Expecting two others to subsidise her mistake is completely out of line, especially if money is tight for all of you.

I don't know if talking to her about this is going to help at this point.

What I had to do with the friend above was make sure that the "terms" of any plans we made together were out in the open in advance. For example, if we had arranged to go for coffee I would make it clear that it could only be coffee as I didn't have money for anything else. Or if we were going for a few drinks and I had no money for a taxi home I would make it clear that I wouldn't be getting a taxi before we headed out. It didn't totally resolve the issue, but at least it meant I could say "We discussed this earlier and I told you I wouldn't be able to do X" and she could rant all she liked.

Stop apologising, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

saa

I have feck all 100 euro a week, I rely on getting the bus home but I also know that once in a blue moon you might miss your bus and even I can afford a taxi home once in a while, its my responsibility so I deal with the consequences.

Because of her shocked reaction that you weren't going to change your plans I get a feeling that she had planned that sure at least if I miss the bus I can share the taxi, oh he won't mind. She could gotten the luas and even slept on your sofa if money was that big of an issue.

Rude people assume everyone else is polite and will be too embarrased not to say anything and go along with it. I would avoid her until she's calmed down and not mention it as what you did was perfectly reasonable she was not stranded, and didn't she share with a friend so it was 15 each plus your fiver to boot, why is she laying on the emotional guilt!

ManOfMystery

Your friend sounds totally out of line OP. If I was you I'd have told her to wind her neck in, and she wouldn't have gotten €5 either!

Nyan Cat

saa wrote: »

Because of her shocked reaction that you weren't going to change your plans I get a feeling that she had planned that sure at least if I miss the bus I can share the taxi, oh he won't mind. She could gotten the luas and even slept on your sofa if money was that big of an issue.!

This. It seems possible she was having fun, realised she'd have to leave soon and so said to herself 'we can share a taxi'
Possible.

She was way out of line to assume and say 'ok we can all get a taxi' hello no!!! Very presumptuous. She probably expected you'd all do it.
Everyone makes their own arrangements and that usually includes a way home and how much they may have left to do so. You didn't budget for a taxi because you didnt need one. It's her issue and she's 25 she should handle herself.

Sure she was stuck. But she obviously found the money for the taxi!
She coulda gone home and slept on your sofa if money was that tight.
She could have gotten a Luas to a another friend or family. She could have done several things. But she wanted the easy option and presumed. She didnt deserve your 5. Even of she had planned this or hoped you'd pay, she could have dealt with the situation without flying off the handle.

She also expected a guy she hadn't seen in 5 years to cough up for a taxi share. Unreal

Oryx

You were selfish tonight because you decided you wanted to suit yourself and just did what you wanted to do and didnt consider anyone else.

She said this to you, when in fact, this is what SHE did. It would be no harm to point that out to her. I doubt youll win with someone who sounds extremely self centred though. For the record, she was wrong. You were right. You probably want to move on from this, but dont ever let her pull that stunt on you again, its simply bullying.

moco

I'd say she probably decided at a point in the night that she didn't want to go home yet, so deliberately 'missed' her bus. I just think its strange that she was watching the clock all night, but still managed to miss it? Then she probably thought you'd both feel bad for her and pay her taxi if she said she had hardly any money.

I'd steer clear of her, you did nothing wrong! Apart from giving her a fiver, I wouldn't have done that

lordgoat

Wow - some people are just weird.

OP you did nothing wrong, should have kept your fiver too!

JajaD

No offense but your 'friend' sounds like a f**king whinge. She missed her bus. Thats her problem. It was her plan to get a taxi, not yours. If she cant afford taxi's then she should have made it her business to make her last bus.

I think she owes you an apology. I also think you should show her this thread. It might open up her eyes a bit.

FRIEND: If your reading this... YOUR A DOPE!!!

blatantrereg

You're both wrong.
She's wrong for being a horrible bully.
You're wrong for thinking she's your friend.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, rereading your post I get the impression in your friendship she's "the boss" and you're "the pushover".

Her reaction is coming from the fact that, possibly for the first time, you didn't do what she suggested.

I cannot think of 1 of my friends who would expect or react like this.... in years gone by, I may have had friends who carried on like this, but that's why they are now friends I "had"!

She will treat you the way you allow her to, and by you apologising repeatedly, and giving the fiver, you are reinforcing her belief that you are in fact in the wrong.

I sincerely hope you have not been in contact with her since to apologise, and instead are waiting for her apology.

DO NOT, under any circumstances utter one more word of "sorry" to her. It will be very difficult for you, if you are usually the one who apologises for her carry on (!). But you will find once you stand your ground once, it will become easier, and less necessary because she will realise that there's no longer "a boss" and "a pushover" in your friendship, but two equal friends.

Bride2012

I've had friends like this in school, me me me, and bugger other opinions and feelings. Send her a text in black and white saying, we had plans, you changed yours without asking me, I gave you all my money to help you and yet I'm in the wrong?

Susan Lanigan

Your friend cooked this up to pick a fight with you.

Whatever was going on in her mind that formed the basis of her animus against you had nothing to do with LUAS, taxis, or loose change. She was desperately searching for some ammunition against you for some unspecified reason and when she couldn't find some, she promptly made some up.

Midnight Sundance

30e divided between 3 is a tenner each, between 2 is 15 each. She had your fiver so still ended up only paying the 10 she would have with 3 of you in the car.

Katgurl

She missed her bus, you gave her last of your money, she got nice warm taxi, you got Luas alone and you're in the wrong?

She's on another planet.