Never happy anymore

xTLCx

Hi everyone, I'm a girl aged 20.

Everything is my life just feels so messed up. I've been "overweight" since I was 5 years old. I've always been tall too, I'm 5ft 11. Because of this I was always bullied in school, they would say "look at the size of her" and I would be called a man. I was always quiet and kept my opinions to myself. I never spoke back to my bullies. I had an outburst of rebellion during my teenage years after being bullied. This led to me losing my virginity young and constantly losing my parents trust from always lying about where I had been or was. I used to pretend I was going to town when I was really meeting up with someone from a dating site. I began to not care about school and started staying up late and not doing my homework, I would zone out in classes and not care. I had only one friend who used to take advantage of me. I would cry every evening when I came home from school. I would be told to go to my room to do my homework after I'd have the re-occurring every-day argument with my mam.

My relationship with my parents has always been tough, we don't really get along that much and they're very strict even now. I'm starting to wonder if I had just behaved a little more when I was younger then maybe our relationship might be different.

Eventually I pulled through school (barely) and got an ok leaving cert but I didn't get into college. I got the points but missed a grade by two places. I had to spend another year doing a fetac course that I hadn't planned on doing and I got into college. (During this time I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants.) While I was there I realised that it just wasn't for me so after 3 months I quit college. Ever since then, anytime I have an argument with my parents it's always brought up that I'm a failure and I'm lazy.

Then I met my current boyfriend who I've been with for 1 yr and 6 months now. Everything was great in the beginning, I had never felt so much love for someone ever in my life. The constant arguments with my parents made me cry a lot so after 4 months of dating, I moved a whole county away to be with him. While I was there I got a job but things started to go downhill very quickly so only in the last 4 months I have moved back home.

I still have the job but it costs me a lot of money to get to work all the time. I barely see my boyfriend with his "on-call" job and our relationship has been dead for months. We're not intimate at all anymore, full stop and we argue quite a lot. I love him but I don't think I'm "in love" with him anymore. Just before I moved in with my boyfriend I was jogging and walking and for the first time since I was 12 or 13 I was a size 14. Now I'm a size 20. I gained all the weight back on plus additional weight from living with him. I quit the anti-depressants but now I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't have but they never made a difference anyway .

Nowadays I'm a grinch, everything and everyone annoys me. I always want to be alone. I hate any type of social interaction. I am barely hanging on to 2 friends I have. I haven't gone on any holidays out foreign with friends or for a big celebration like after exams. I don't go out on the town as I'm ashamed of my looks and my friends are also skinny so this makes me feel ten times worse. I barely drink and won't let myself get drunk, I don't smoke but I eat a lot of food. I'm doing a part-time college course but I hate it. I hate my job. My nanny is more than likely dying, she is very sick. I cry all the time, what is wrong with me? I do think about suicide all the time because I feel like if I was gone then nobody would be at much loss. I look at other girls my age and they have it all going on and I think to myself that maybe I wanna be that girl. I feel like I've missed out already. Being 20 sucks, I really would love to turn back the clocks and do everything differently.

If you're still reading, thank you. I hope you won't judge me. It's very difficult to portray your actual situation on a computer.

blatantrereg

You sound like you blame your bf for piling on so much weight while you lived with him. I doubt he would have wanted you to. Why dont you just do whatever you did before to lose weight? There's likely to be a relationship between that and the lack of intimacy tbh.

Dont compare yourself to other people. Unless you know someone extremely well you dont know what they have or havent going on anyway.

Why not get a place by yourself? Or a houseshare? Moving back in with your parents hasn't done you any good by the sounds of things. Somewhere close to your job and bf.

Elba101

xTLCx wrote: »

Being 20 sucks, I really would love to turn back the clocks and do everything differently.

If you turned back the clock you'd be in nappies. Your 20s are for finding out who you are and what you wanna do. I wish I had learnt that in my early 20s. Ask yourself - do you want to be in the same situation when your 30?

You can't turn back the clock, but you can start changing things now. Your choices have brought you to where you are and if you're not happy make a list and of what's good and bad and how you can change the bad. And be honest and realistic with yourself.

Trust me, it won't be easy, but you'll be kicking yourself in 10 years time if you don't get pro-active now.

Not everyone's life is as rosey as they make it out to be. Don't be too hard on yourself - it's your life and you can control it if you really want too.

nowyouresix

OP: the only person who can take control of your life is you. You are responsible for you, forget the teenage angst etc etc...if you want to change, then no one else can do it for you. You CAN get back on track here, you're only 20. If you regret not getting in to college, then go and resit your leaving cert, and just get on with it. You are not going to get anywhere feeling sorry for yourself. If you need help, then ask for it. Tell your parents that you need their support, and apologise for being previously unreasonable. You are only 20. There are sooooooo many options/opportunities out there for you. Grasp your chance, or you will regret it.

gud4u

hi,
You sound depressed and if anti depressants didn't work before and you don't want to try them again then you need to start eating healthy and exercise again to get healthy. Ditch the BF, it doesn't sound like you love him, nor need him in your life.
If you can't get help fron your parents then you need to take stock and see what you can do for yourself. You are only 20 and now is the time to get yourself ready for life, it's happening as you breathe right now and wallowing in food and gaining weight wont help.
I know as i've been there, I spent most of my 20s drunk trying to escape my demons. It wasn't until I asked them what they wanted I could improve myself.
Try talking to your parents, have a serious conversation but be prepared to co-operate with them and regain lost trust. If you say you'll do a course, commit to it, improve your health, commit to it.
If not, move out, move on and be good to yourself, as no one else will until you respect yourself.
Take care.

saa

If the medication didn't work and the issues with food are persisting can you get refereed by your GP to a counselor, to gain balance, learn to accept the relationship with your parents, coping with the difficult transition to adulthood, learning to not live in the past or see yourself as a failure this will help you move forward and get what you want, counselling worked for me but counselling with meds can help others because you're tracking how you are with them not just veering off into a weird place and losing control.

LovelyLottie

Hey,

I certainly don't judge you, and i feel for you in your situation. What you do need to keep sight of though, is that you are only 20 and you have so much time to turn things around. Seriously, all is not lost.

I know it feels like every area of your life is going wrong, but you can only tackle things one at a time. Otherwise it's too overwhelming. Start with the things you can change.

The weight, over-eating and low-mood are all a vicious cycle. If you exercise you'll feel better mentally and will start to shift the weight. It's very hard to get the motivation to do this, and it's not till you hit rock bottom (if you're not already there...) that you'll get the motivation to start tackling your weight. Start by exercising, then start improving your diet and you will see changes. As you've lost the weight before, you know it can be done, so just try and do it again.

Go to your doctor and explain your low-mood and how hopeless you're feeling. See if he/she thinks you should go back on anti-depressants for a while. It will probably help you get out of the very negative mindset you're in at the moment and might help you to find the motivation to start turning things around.

If you have a difficult relationship with your parents then why not try to move out? I would probably stay at home for the moment while you're feeling so down, but think about it over the next few months and into the summer. I know you living at home is probably financially related but, seriously, a toxic relationship with a parent can be debilitating.

And now to the boyfriend. You've said it's over. So end it. Move on with your life. Focus on yourself. You need to find out who you are and who you were meant to be. If you start to love yourself, in time you will meet someone else who loves you too. All the very best.

Zen65

xTLCx wrote: »

I hope you won't judge me.

I wish you would stop judging you.

You're only 20, and you have a lifetime ahead of you. Turning back the clock isn't an option so stop wishing you could.

And for heaven's sake give yourself a little more credit! You won't meet anyone this week who judges you as harshly as you've judged yourself in your OP, and realistically it could be months before you meet somebody who's as mean to you as you are to yourself.

You've had a few setbacks in your early years, like so many people have. But you've survived that and done it the hard way, so be proud of getting yourself to where you are now. There's plenty of time to turn things around and get yourself really sorted for a great future. Start with the little things (which are really the big things):

• Your relationship with your parents
• Your weight

Make a mental note that you are going to be more patient with your parents for the next 3 months. Every time you interact with them see it as a challenge to be nice, to be understanding, and to show appreciation for them. At the same time start exercising. Whether it's swimming, walking, running, cycling, dance, a martial art, or working out in a gym just decide now that you're going to stick with it and do it at least 3 times a week, and at least for 45 minutes each time. Just those two steps will have a number of immediate consequences:

• You will start losing weight
• Your parents will see that you have started taking responsibility for yourself, without anyone else pushing you, and that your behaviour is far more civil towards them. They will almost certainly reciprocate some of your patience, they will encourage you to continue to exercise and manage your weight.
• Other people will begin to see you very differently. This will take some time though, and will need more work from you. But you'll notice it fairly soon after you have started, and you'll feel good about it!

As your exercise regime becomes more regular, pay attention to what you're eating. Stop eating take-away food, processed food, cheesy foods and increase the amount of fruit you eat.

At 12 years of age being 5' 11" is a burden, but at 20 it's a real gift. With only moderate weight loss you will look at feel far more attractive, and hence feel very positive towards yourself. At 5' 11" you will find that you can more easily wear an outfit that accentuates your positives and looks very feminine and slimmer. At 5' 11" you could look stunning in surprisingly little time... because your longer legs will give you a slimmer profile. Shorter women know that it's much harder to look slim with a bit of extra weight, but taller women can be a bit overweight and still look great!

Don't dwell too much on your looks..... I mean by all means enjoy them but don't judge yourself by them.

Next up.... your job. It's easier to change jobs than it is to find one from scratch, so keep working at your job but make it your business to find another job that would be more rewarding. It's not easy to change jobs, so expect this to take some time. Let your parents know that you're looking for a better job, as that will also reassure them that you are not "settling".

I think you misinterpret your parents' words and actions. I doubt that they actually think you are a failure, they just want to motivate you to keep trying to improve your own life, because that is what all parents want for their kids. They have become afraid that you've quit trying to better yourself at such a young age, and they know the consequences of that could be very harsh for you. When they see the determined, active, slimmer you they will know that their fears are unjustified, and although it may take some time, I really believe that your relationship with them will be hugely improved.

So.... make a plan, and stick to it.

Finally that boyfriend doesn't sound like he's helping you anymore to build your confidence, so I'd suggest you move on. Be glad of the fun times you had together, but the world is full of really great people to meet so don't let him hold you back.

Be at peace,

Z

xTLCx

Thank you to everyone for your understanding and thoughtful advice :-). It's nice to know that there are people out there who are willing to help and make me feel better. I've started watching what I'm eating and have been walking and I lost a considerable amount of weight in my first week of exercising so I'm happy. It's hard to keep the exercising going but I'm setting my mind to it and I know it will make me happy! I've been looking for a job everyday and have applied for a few and it's not easy but I know I will find one soon.

Things with my parents aren't too bad. They can get bad from time to time but I try to express my views in the most truthful way so that they know that I am trying to control my life in my own way.

My bf and I are still together, I've tried numerous times to break up with him. I'm still caught between my brain and my heart, it's practical to break up because I can start fresh but at the same time I still feel something for him and right now he is the only person I can confide in with my problems so I'm confused

My course ends next month so after that I'm gonna try and do a course involved with animals. I tried before and was rejected probably because I had no experience with animals but that shouldn't stop me?

Thanks everyone for your help, if anyone else has any more advice for me, please let me know, thanks

Zhora

just a suggestion but if you are interested in animals why not volunteer at a local animal shelter, they are always grateful for people to help out. Plus you will gain alot from the experience too, you will learn more practical knowledge than on a course. I truly believe that animals can help humans to heal. They teach us to focus on the present and what you find then is that those depressing thoughts become less and less and you begin to get some perspective on your issues so you can deal with them. It volunteered and it helped me enormously when I was in a deep depression and now I am learning to become a dog trainer.