Really trying but I feel like life's getting the better of me

LegacyUser

Hey,

Ok well, apologies in advance as I feel like this might turn in to a long post - however, I shall try to curtail it.

I'm 30. This time 5 years ago I was working in a highly competitive industry - I had very high profile job that so many people would kill for, I had a boyfriend whom I adored, a nice car - was in rented accommodation and although my r/ship wasn't perfect and I was suffering with bulimia, I'd incorporated it in to my life - I have always been a positive person and I saw these as glitches - I always felt like life would work out good for me.

Fast forward to now....well that relationship rightly ended - it took me a good 2 years to get over it, it was a very traumatic and one sided break up. I worshipped the ground he walked on, he said he didn't love me anymore, couldn't deal with my bulimia but called me every night and was over for sex every weekend. I allowed it, that's my fault - anyway - that's not hugely relevant as I do feel like I am over that guy now.

So, my career blossomed, I did really well until the company I worked for was sold - we were all swiftly put on to contracts and someone f*cked up mine and accidentally made me permanent until I was 65 - which you would think would be a good thing...when it came to light (and I was oblivious for a long time) my bosses who I'd spent 7 years impressing turned on me - made my workload unbearable and everytime I made any sort of error they called me in to disciplinary meetings, I loved my job so much it was awful, eventually I ended up in hospital for a week with bleeding stomach ulcers - when I got out they upped their game and within a week nailed me over a stupid procedure for taking holidays that I hadn't correctly followed - again with the disciplinary meetings. I couldn't handle it and was signed off with work related stress and anxiety. I knew I couldn't go back and I had lost everything I'd strived for in 7 years. It was only when I spoke to a solicitor he pointed out the contract issue - and it all started to make sense. Anyway, I had various meetings with HR and I decided I wasn't strong enough to proceed with an investigation and I didn't want to return to work so I was fobbed off with a "good will gesture" of 2 months pay.

I was determined to find a job doing anything as quickly as I could. Which I did, it's a different area and the people I work with are lovely but it's no where near as glamourous as what I was doing before and because I got solicitors involved in my departure - and also becuase I worked with that particular company for such a long time, I sort of shot myself in the foot.

I'm on less money now and I'm working a lot more hours, In the last 15 months I've had 3 guys come in to my life and mess me about - the first was just horrible to me and then eventually told me he didn't have time for a girlfriend - the next guy was lovely but had a girlfriend he forgot to tell me about and the last and current guy I have been seeing for the last few months still hasn't even told me he likes me which is making me question myself and feel so insecure.

I recently lost 3 of best friends to Vancouver also which has been hard

Anyway, I've hardly any money, my bulimia - which I've had for the last 10 years is rampant. I just completely accept it as normal to buy 5 packets of biscuits, ice cream, sweets, cakes etc and just force them down and quickly bring them back up.

I spend all my money on this illness so my parents end up picking up the pieces, paying my rent, phone bill, car loan - it's disgusting, I'm disgusting. They are old and I am significantly reducing their quality of life - I keep thinking If I killed myself they'd be free of me but I know they love me and I couldn't do that to them.....although, I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for them I'd have ended it all already - maybe I resent them for making me endure this. I've been to about 40 different councillors over the years - cognitive, in patient, out patient, hynosis, NLP....nothing works.

The weird thing is, I don't look my age, I look younger (although I shouldn't), I'm really pretty and friendly, everyone loves me when they meet me - I've a great personality and I know I make a great impression - even during a recession I applied for about 10 jobs and got offered 7 of them, although I get hurt by guys I don't find it difficult to meet new ones and I think pretty much all my ex's would get back with me in a heartbeat (even the one I mentioned earlier - but, I'm not interested now). I know people think I am super happy and in control, people always tell me I'm lucky and that they are jealous of my life, body, looks - I've given off a strong vibe of being so much happier now I've changed career etc and I just feel like what I am portraying is so far from reality - I'm a mess

So, I know my life isn't that bad - I just feel like a fake being so happy and I may have lost the real me somewhere

Maybe I just typed all of this to try make things clearer for myself - or maybe someone can read this and say something to stop me feeling like a mess

If you made it this far....thanks

Elba101

Hey OP,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I can identify somewhat with your situation -everyone thinking your life is rosey, but you're actually dying inside. I went through a big transition about 2 years ago (major break-up/emigrating/new job) and I developed an eating disorder because of it. Looking back at it now it was a control thing. Everything was such a mess food was the only aspect of my life I could take charge of.

You say you've accepted it as 'normal'. It's not normal and it's not just impacting on your life, but the people around you. Have you gone to eating disorder specialists? It could the root of a lot of your issues (men/feeling like a fake/being unhappy with yourself) I know mine was! But the thing is, you really have to want to get better. It' been a part of your life for so long that it could be an outlet for letting off steam. Do you do anything outside work? Exercise, classes?

You don't have to put on a front for other people. It's ok to not be perfect and have people see you that way. You say you know you're a good looking person with a great personality and get compliments, is that important to you? Do you need that validation to justify your eating disorder?

Hope you're ok.

saa

inthethickofit wrote: »

Maybe I just typed all of this to try make things clearer for myself - or maybe someone can read this and say something to stop me feeling like a mess

If you made it this far....thanks

No worries, here I'll type a load of stuffs and we'll be even!

You are so strong, you have achieved so much but there is something within you that is finding things difficult regardless of how well you do, look or what you have which is so common and normal.
Coping as you want to with things you are not happy about is really difficult and a huge amount of people have to hit rock bottom and start learning how.

Its great that you've talked to people, some professionals are better than other but I'm curious as what you have been looking for in a counselor , my attitude to counselors are okay I know you don't understand me but help me just figure out what steps I need to take to do the work myself because no one else could of ever helped me more than myself and sometimes its not possible so in those times I give myself a rest, I try not to be too harsh on myself or keep going over and over the things that are messed up in life.

Nothing above may have clicked with you and mostly I can't say anything to stop a behaviour, change a feeling or help with a situation but you posting to express this and getting feedback IS you taking positive action, it takes time to unravel what feels like a mess of a life but one thing at a time.

What I'm doing professionally is really ****ty, uncertain and stressful at times and I can feel trapped but I've always told myself that no job, relationship etc. is worth my wellbeing or my life, keep strong don't be put off by your experiences talking to counselors you deserve support as your situation does seem like it is very stressful.

santana75

You say you've been to lots of different counsellors OP and have tried Neuro linguistic programming, Cognitive behavioural therapy etc but have you really, 100% committed yourself to the cause of beating your eating disorder? I dont mean to come across as insensitive and harsh but I've had a fair bit of experience dealing with eating disorders and the ones that come out on top are the ones that put up a hell of a fight. You cant thread water and be half hearted, you have to go at it full whack. The solution to an eating disorder is part behavorial, part cognitive, part spiritual, part emotional, part determination. It needs to be forced, you cant just live with this and incoporate it into your life because even though you may not fully realise it, bullima is destroying your quality of life. Its only when you come out the other side that you become fully aware of how much it has taken away from you. You're bargaining with your disorder and thats something you cant do. Bullima is devious, it'll tell you that its ok, sure its not doing any harm. But it is, to your body, your mind, your emotions, your quality of life. You cant bargain, theres only one way this can go and thats with you beating this once and for all. And you can do it. But you gotta go at it every day. You cant be willy nilly about this, you gotta make this your top priority. Screw your career and anything else for now, this is the most important thing that you need to be doing. You gotta make a plan of action to beat it every day and stick to your guns no matter how you feel, no matter whats happening in your life. Bullima is your coping mechanism but its a mechanism that destroys you aswell as protects you. You have to develop new ways of coping.
Dont let another day go by where you just incorporate bullima into your life. Take action, put up a fight. I guarantee you if you fight every day and dont just roll over and let this have its way with you, that you will beat it. Like I said, the ones that come out the other end are the ones that put up a fight.

the_djoker

Hi,
I just read this post by accident and I am not one for giving advice - but from that post I picked up on a lot of positives - you got a 70% job offer rate in the middle of a recession - those are some stats.

You look younger then you are and are very pretty.

Focus on the positives to get through this, for sure you will meet a nice guy ,
i know it's a cliche but things do change..

gaa131

Hey OP - it sounds as if you have been through the mill - to put it mildly.

I don't think you should have thrown in 7 years of a career for 2 months pay.

It sounds to me as if you don't have much real confidence or self esteem. You seem to have used your career and material possessions as a crutch and now that you are, as you put it, in a less "glamarous" job it's not providing what you need to feel good about yourself. In the same way you are latching onto men for the wrong reasons and therefore ending up with the wrong men. You are looking for affirmation from external sources and while you do you are always going to be needy, insecure, uncertain and lost.

I don't know the underlying issues relating to bullimia but it's a serious problem and I imagine is a form of self abuse.

I think that for now you should forget about your career and forget about relationships and men. In any event you were climbing the career ladder but I suspect it was the wrong ladder! You need to find a really good counsellor and you need to work on yourself - who you really are, what is driving you to abuse your body - you need to make friends with yourself and learn how to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are - not who you think you should be or other people want you to be.

I really wish you well.