Hassled continually, how did I become a punching bag for others?

LegacyUser

What's wrong with me. I'm a man in the my thirties, renting in Dublin, working away, paying rent and doing my best.

And the local teenagers have me singled out. Throw beer bottles at me when I walk past. Always when my back is turned, never when I'm looking.

Abuse on the street, waving and laughing at me, even followed me into a chipper to laugh in my face.
Why? I don't know their names, I'm not from Dublin and they don't even know me. But well they know me to see me and they know they can hassle me without reaction.
Have called the gardai once about the beer bottles and they sent a squad car around but these are kids and they were just ordered off the street and sent home.

There's something wrong with me.
I was the lad in a class of thirty who got singled out to be bullied. The person who sat on the school bus and everyone threw conkers at and sat there and took it leaving me suicidal. I worked damn hard at the LC, at college and got out of my town to get a great job .
In my local town I used to get hassle from a gang of lads younger then me too, lads I did not know.
The team leader in work bullies me, I let it go and know this is common but people have told me this team leader singles me out. Ok there are nasty team leaders in many jobs but I get it, nobody else does.

I've even had managers in a different job tell me they were worried I was going to be picked on when I worked in a local factory on the floor and they kept talking about my confidence. I enjoyed that job, realy liked it but the managers took one look at me and saw something there.

If you bottle up rage long enough sometimes you'll snap and I'm worried one day I'll get a bottle thrown at me, I'll hammer a local teenager and while he deserves it, I'll be in court for assualt. And if someone hits their head off the footpath it could be manslaughter. People have breaking points and people can snap.

When did I become Ireland's punching bag? Sorry if I'm coming across as over dramatic, just hurting at the moment.

I guess I'm shy, somewhat timid and I tend to shuffle along, listening to my ipod and head down. I work and pay rent, doing my best to get along but people zero in on me as soft.
And I'm scared I'm going to snap someday

Taltos

OP - we have given you your own thread. Hope that is OK.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Y'know, when I was in secondary school I got bullied too and went to a counsellor who started basically telling me that there must be something about me that just attracts negative attention and I should just work on that instead of reporting and them punishing the bullies. This is not your fault, other people are in the wrong here and you did nothing to deserve this. Let's look at your team leader in work first, this is not acceptable behaviour even if you do think this happens to everyone, you need to go to a higher supervisor or something and report this, they will care as it affects yours and everyone elses work. I hope this link starts you off:
http://www.hsa.ie/eng/Topics/Bullying_at_Work/

Now, when it comes to the local teenagers, unfortunatly there's very little you can do about that, you just kind of have to take it as it comes. Try to walk with your head up and look them dead in the eye, they'll chicken out once they're confronted, but don't interact with them at all. I'm sorry to say that confidence is an issue though, and to be honest people only stopped pushing me around once I got some, and the best way to do that is by making new friends and throwing yourself into social interactions, such as running clubs etc. and maybe one of the boards beers on a forum here you're interested in.

When you're feeling sh**ty maybe go for a walk on a beach near you or take yourself shopping or something, these things will only affect you as much as you let them and the more time you spend being happy/not worrying about them, the better your overall mental health will be.

It will get better, promise.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Some people will send off signals that they are weak and vulnerable. It must be in the body language, i.e. head down, headphones on to block out the world, being non-confrontational, etc. and that communicates to others that you can be bullied with little consequence. Some people will take you up on that unspoken offer and will single you out. It's lovely to mouth platitudes about all bullies being cowards etc. but the solution to the problem lies with changing your behaviour, not theirs.

What you need is something that instils a sense of confidence in you. For some people that can mean learning a martial art or self defense. The knowledge that you can handle yourself if someone gets physical with you can be very reassuring and can change how you carry yourself and how you interact with others.

gugleguy

a teenage gang hassled me - a string of verbal sexual abuse, in "that place" at the weekend. I reported it to the guards, in the local station.

My apparent "infraction" to tip it off was to return a greeting from one of an older looking teenage male. So the greeting was a taunt.

I'm not going to change my deportment/dress/attitude just to suit a teenage gang. What community respect have they earned between them?

I am the same Jonny Public to everyone else and behave the very same way

LegacyUser

I'm 34 and was like you, you can pull out of it but it takes time.

I feel so bad for you as I used to be there, i was better known as freak as a teenager than my real name and often got bullied and taken advantage of in work. I went from too timid to too aggresive and now have come full circle to just assertive. Joined a club and did a course. Counselling didn't do much for me.(that's just my experience)

I got a dog and that really helped my confidence, especially walking in the woods near my local village, there's some right ar**h*le* there.


Do one thing this week, just one, Walk with your head up, look ahead, look around and see what's coming before they can start on you. It's not easy turn from being timid to Jason Borne overnight but for a start, just make yourself more aware.

You will snap with time and that anger will be projected outward-as your scenario described-or inward, drug/alcohol abuse or self harm.

Detail all work matters that arise(dates, tasks, what is being said/asked of you that is not work appropriate) and if others are pointing out that you are being singled out that should reassure you that you're indeed right.

If you can join a self defence course, but what would really help is something like karate that teaches you how to deal with conflict on a daily basis as opposed to pummelling the crap out of someone and then having to deal with worse consequences.

If this is escalating and you really fear these thugs I know it's not ideal but could you move residence if you're renting. Obviously still with the intention of joining a club or class.

gaa131

Hey OP. First things first, can you move to an area where there aren't any local thugs hanging around? I know you shouldn't have to but in the interests of peace it might be the best thing to do for now.

Bullying in school and when young has a profound impact on self esteem and self confidence. Depending on the person and their sensitivity the bullying does not even have to be severe. When we are young the only way we can survive traumatic events, such as bullying, is to block it out but the scars can be like a ball and chain for the rest of one's life. Also, in a weird way, when a person is bullied they can often feel that they must be the cause or reason - that there must be something wrong with them which is why they are being bullied. It wreaks havoc on confidence and self esteem - and the way we see ourselves. I've been through this myself so I know what it's like. I covered my lack of self worth from having been brutalised in school by seeming extremely confident, climbing the career ladder and surrounding myself with material possessions and friends of a similar ilk - it was an utter facade because inside I felt empty and worthless.

Without seeing and meeting you it's hard to comment on your physical demeanour. However, I honestly think that you are going to need professional help to overcome the issues above and one or two good, solid friends to stand by you. I went to a counsellor for 2 years and while it was hard it really yielded great results. I also agree that do some activity such as boxercise or kick boxing would be a good way to giving physical expression to your inner frustration. It's as if you want to stand on a podium and roar and reclaim your full place on this earth - a place you have as much entitlment to as any other person.

I remember reading a really good book which you might find useful - Adam's Return by Richard Rohr. If you want to PM me no problem.

Zen65

dom12 wrote: »

If you can join a self defence course, but what would really help is something like karate that teaches you how to deal with conflict on a daily basis as opposed to pummelling the crap out of someone and then having to deal with worse consequences.

+1 to this.

Yes I'm biased, but I've seen how kids who train in martial arts (Judo, Karate, MMA, boxing etc) learn how to hold themselves in a manner that appears more assertive and therefore less liable to be victimised. Very, very few of the karateka I know have ever actually been involved in a real fight, but they almost all say they feel and act more confidently as a result of their training.

Be at peace,

Z

gaa131

Zen65 wrote: »

+1 to this.

Yes I'm biased, but I've seen how kids who train in martial arts (Judo, Karate, MMA, boxing etc) learn how to hold themselves in a manner that appears more assertive and therefore less liable to be victimised. Very, very few of the karateka I know have ever actually been involved in a real fight, but they almost all say they feel and act more confidently as a result of their training.

Be at peace,

Z

I agree this would be helpful but inner confidence and self belief can only come from within. These would have been more helpful when this guy was a kid. He can hardly use these tactics in the workplace or general social situations.

Ickle Magoo

toughenup wrote: »

I've even had managers in a different job tell me they were worried I was going to be picked on...

While I think having staff likely to bully you to the point they are worried is a sign of woeful management I'd agree with Zen65 - if you are giving off the impression of being nervous and lacking confidence to that degree then bullies will certainly be more likely to target you. While it won't help with past experiences, knowing in yourself you can take people on and hold your own gives you an air of confidence and self-assurance that takes that target off your back, giving you space and time to deal with the emotional scars that bullying leaves - whether via professional help or some kind of help group.

I think joining a martial arts club, meeting new people and enjoying the camaraderie that, ime, tend to exist in such clubs would do you the world of good anyway.

All the very best.

kylith

You don't have to change your dress or deportment. Try standing up straight, looking ahead instead of at your feet, and conciously stride when you're walking. I usually have headphones in so that if anyone does say anything to me I can't hear them.

Unfortunatley bullies can pick out people who are less self confident, so if you act more confident (even if you don't feel it) they should start to leave you alone.

Zen65

gaa131 wrote: »

I agree this would be helpful but inner confidence and self belief can only come from within.

To internalise confidence, it may be necessary to externalise your actions.

Exercise, especially something like MA with a strong "mental" aspect, is a great way to internalise confidence in yourself.

Z

saa

I had the same issue the other day I look confident but I don't wear tracksuits so I stand out, I'm 20 a woman and was getting awful hassle off a group of 16/17 year olds (about 8 of them) down a really long road with no way to escape I was actually terrified like I didn't have the chance to say anything and I couldn't fight ugh it twas awful.