No sex-Not sure where my relationship stands

LegacyUser

Iv been with my fiance for almost 3 years and we have a young baby together.
We get on well the majority of the time, we have fun together and our personalities are well matched.
However thr problem is that i think we have drifted apart since the baby was born. I know having a baby is testing on a relationship and its a stressful time but i feel we are past that now and we have both well settled into our new roles as parents at this stage.
I know he loves me alot, and i do love him too and we tell each other that all the time. The problem is we havent had sex for about 8 months. This kind of started when he felt that he couldnt last long enough during sex. This was completley his issue as i never had a problem with how long he lasted or any other part of our sex life. Anyway he said he nevrer had this problem before and it was happening because he fancied me so much that he just couldnt control himself (his words not mine). Anyway he got it into his head that this was a big deal and he basically wrecked his own head about it to the point we stopped having sex as much, then not at all. I kept reassuring him i was happy with that side of things. My school of thought was the more we have sex the more he will get used to it and the longer he will last. But because of how he was feeling and what he was thinking it kind of made sex a bit awkward, and like i said sex became less frequent and now its non existant.
Obviously after i gave birth we couldnt have sex for a while anyway so that was fine, then we were really busy looking after the baby and just learning to be parents. So that, added to the sleepless nights with a newborn, just meant that sex was off the menu for a while. Which was fine, and its normal for new parent anyway so i just presumed it would start happening again when we were both settled into our new lives and got a routine going. So did he. But like i said at the beginning we are well past all that now and we have a good routine and have all our sleep back etc. But still no sex. We have talked about it and both agreed we should resume our sex life but its still not happening. I think its because we both feel awkward now but i dont know. Its starting to affect our relationship but i just dont know how to get us back into the swing of things again. Im not even sure this is normal, i mean does this mean that our relationship is as good as over if we cant even have sex??? Im so confused about it all and would really love some advice or opinions from people who have been through somthing similar. Was your relationship dead in the water? Or were you able to sort things out? Help!
Sorry for the long post, just felt this all needed to be explained properley.
Thanks in advance for any replies.

BraziliaNZ

Your relationship is probably more serious and established than anything I've had, what with babies and all, but in the past I've found that as soon as the sex is gone the relationship is pretty much dead in the water. Otherwise you're just some kind of friends or companions or together in some kind of business relationship for various reasons rather than that of romance or sexual attraction.
I've never managed to dig myself out of the whole you're in when in a relationship but it can probably be done, maybe others can advise you better on what steps to take. 8 months is a hell of a long time for a man to not want to sleep with his other half though, I mean he must be worried himself. Maybe try and get out for a night out or something have a few drinks, try and relax, get someone to look after the kid for a night and stay somewhere different, it might make it easier to get in the mood?

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. Thanks for the response. Well i think what your saying makes lots of sense, a night out or staying away somewhere would probably do us the world of good. Only problem with that is that we dont live close to out families so we dont really have anyone to mind the. We are going away at the end of the month to a family party. Staying in a hotel for the weekend and my mother said she would take the baby for a whie so i suppose that could be a good time.
Just wanted to say aswell that some people might think hes gone off me or that i look different since having a baby and thats changed his attratcion to me but i can safely say thats not that case as im one of the lucky ones and my body has gone back to the same as it was before pregnancy...so i dont think thats it. In fact he is always complimenting me on how i look, telling me im sexy etc.
We still have alot of good things in our relationship and definatley still have a good connection. I think the problem is that he has built this up in his head to be something that its not, and now we both feel awakward because he is worried about his performance, and overthinking in that department defo doesnt help(from a males perspective ) and i feel awkward because i know he is thinking all mad stuff and that hes not enjoying it ike he should be because of this. Obviously that makes me feel weird.
Another thing to mention is that the baby is still in our room so that doesnt help the situation either, but there are times when he is napping downstairs where we could definatley head up to the bedroom for an hour....but clearly thats not happening! Ugghh im seriously confused?

Oryx

Take the focus off the sex. Work on intimacy instead. I think thats what you have lost. Touch. Hug. Take each others clothes off. Appreciate each other physically without it being about doing the deed and having an orgasm. You may have got your lives back on track and settled into parenthood, but its not as easy to get your minds back into seeing each other sexually (or at least not for him). The main thing is to reduce any pressure on him to perform. And talk about it, talking, as long as its honest, and not a you vs him thing, is one of the best things to do.

Maybe your fella has issues with sex, maybe he has a lower libido than you. Or maybe things are going off the boil. But all long term relationships have high and low points. For the sake of your kid and all the other things you have going for you, its worth your while to try hard to work this out.

Katy89

It could have something to do with the birth of the baby, I mean was he present during birth?
some men find it obviously disturbing and have a bit of a blockade afterwards. It might be he can't get the pictures of the birth out of his head and is blocking him from having relaxed sex/relaxing himself.
I can only speculate, as I don't know if this is the case, just my thoughts, as his explanation: 'I fancy you so much I can't control myself' sounds like an excuse to something else he can't admit.
and you're saying he can't last during sex, so that would be more back up the aspect of him having fear, otherwise he would prob come too quickly.

the best option would be you two sitting together and have a chat about it. try to be relaxed, not pressurised, I know it's hard, but pressure and desperation doesn't help in this situation.
let him know verbally and from your actions that you give him all the time he needs and he will come back to you!:))
best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi there.

From a male perspective I don't think this means your relationship is over.
Like you say having a baby can be a stressful time ;

You have a young baby together, you say you love him and he loves you.. All these are great starting points .

You (Ye) just have to make a bit of an effort to rekindle the spark.

Maybe, go out and buy some sexy lingerie for your trip away at the end of the month and surprise him with it .
Have nice meal and maybe a couple of drinks if that's what ye want.

Then don't put any pressure on him to perform but possibly just take the initative and spoil him orally or manually down below.

I'm sure it will all work it self out.

All the Best.

Beruthiel

OP
Get your Ma to take the baby.
Book a hotel and tell him ye are going away for the night.
Bring the hot lingerie and come on to him.
Sorted.

LegacyUser

Hi op, its in his head. performance related anxiety and doesnt want to hurt you by non performance. At the planned weekend away have sex but absoloutly no intercourse just intimate touching and a strict no intercourse policy or even no orgasm policy just enjoy the intimacy and the intercourse will follow when it just cant be held back anymore. The fact that he knows he doesnt have to rise to the occasion or last an expected period of time (in his head) means he can completly relax and see that both people can enjoy the touching with no pressure on him. His confidence will grow in time.

LegacyUser

Hi op here. Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate all the good advice and ieas yoiu have given me. .
Theres just a few things i want to clarify.
First, its not that he has a proble, getting an erection. Everythings fine in that department. The problem is more that (so he thinks) he ejaculate to quickly. I dont think its too quickly, we could be having sex for 5 mins before he will come, but he thinks this is too quick. As i said, i didnt have any problem with our sex life or how loing he could last before finishing the job...he came up with all this himself.
I dont think its anything to do with the baby as one person suggested as this was happening before i had the baby anyway. Its just gotten worse since then becasause we couldnt have sex for a while afte the birth, and thats just continued on. I think il try and see if we can get some time alone on the wknd away. As others suggested, im going to try take the emphasis off sex and put it more onto intimacy.
Thanks for all the advice.