really, how do you cope?

Balfie

I can already see the after hours response,



How do I put somethin so close to my heart here??


One of my friends died tonight, my sisters best friend.. An I really don't know where to turn but here..

Bodhisopha

Balfie wrote: »

I can already see the after hours response,



How do I put somethin so close to my heart here??


One of my friends died tonight, my sisters best friend.. An I really don't know where to turn but here..

You just do...

Sorry to hear that btw.

Aoifey!

Sorry to hear that.

All you can do is try to be there for your sister and for the deceased's family as best you can. Besides that I guess you just have to try to get on with your life and live everyday to the fullest.

PandyAndy

Sorry to hear that

As it was your sisters best friend be there for your sister too.

Sindri

I'm very sorry for you and her family. You should try the Bereavement forum.

You'll only get dickheads in here.

Again, I'm very sorry.

MrStuffins

Sorry to hear that dude.

Hope your sister is ok

Balfie

the poor woman we spoke to her yesterday an she was fine, her husband was talkin to us today, the hospital had tried a new cancer drug on her the past few weeks, it was working, an jus out of no where she was gone. Its horrible..

Hasmunch

Sorry to hear that Balfie.

Hope you and your sister are ok.

Balfie

sindri I know that there can be dickheads here, But the people of after hours can be nice, I'd have put it there if I wanted to wait a few hours, but I know that here, people will comfort me,, an it means alot..

EdenHazard

I dunno how you can cope with something like that. Death scares me, big time. R.I.P op sorry for your loss.

Sharpshooter

Balfie wrote: »

I can already see the after hours response,



How do I put somethin so close to my heart here??


One of my friends died tonight, my sisters best friend.. An I really don't know where to turn but here..

Sad news for you and your sis, Balfie.
I can understand you posting in AHs but if it gets too much for you,you can post in the Bereavement forum.

Sindri wrote: »

I'm very sorry for you and her family. You should try the Bereavement forum.

You'll only get dickheads in here.

Again, I'm very sorry.

Actually,even the dickheads have a heart.
Some of the most heartfelt condolence posts have been posted here,when a regular poster is coping with a situation like this, and it's us they turn to.

Sindri

TBH I suffered a loss recently and I haven't coped with it.

Possibly its numbness from traumatism, possibly a pre-existing dissociative disorder or maybe it's co-morbid.

The grief will kill you, and as any counsellor will tell you, grief must be resolved. I don't know how you cope to it. We would all be mad if we did not have a way. Remember the good times, and how she cannot suffer any more, comfort your sister and her family, and do not be afraid to seek comforting yourself.

qwertytlk

Sorry for you loss. Everyone is different but iv found the best way to get through something like this is to talk to people, dont close in on youself. It only makes it worse. You need to grieve the loss of your friend. Be honest. Talk to your family, friends, whoever you are close to then you need to lean on them. Try and think of the good times with your friend, dont dwell on the bad stuff and the 'what ifs'. They will only wreck your head and drive you mad. And if the person was sick then try and console yoursel with the fact that they are not in pain and suffering anymore.
All the best, i hope you and your sister will be ok. Lean on each other and support each other through it as best you can.

Balfie

Hot Lips wrote: »

Sad news for you and your sis, Balfie.
I can understand you posting in AHs but if it gets too much for you,you can post in the Bereavement forum.



Actually,even the dickheads have a heart.
Some of the most heartfelt condolence posts have been posted here,when a regular poster is coping with a situation like this, and it's us they turn to.

With tears in my eyes I thank you for leaving this here.. it means alot.

pragmatic1

Sorry to hear that. Chin up dude and have a chat to your mates.

Balfie

qwertytlk wrote: »

Sorry for you loss. Everyone is different but iv found the best way to get through something like this is to talk to people, dont close in on youself. It only makes it worse. You need to grieve the loss of your friend. Be honest. Talk to your family, friends, whoever you are close to then you need to lean on them. Try and think of the good times with your friend, dont dwell on the bad stuff and the 'what ifs'. They will only wreck your head and drive you mad. And if the person was sick then try and console yoursel with the fact that they are not in pain and suffering anymore.
All the best, i hope you and your sister will be ok. Lean on each other and support each other through it as best you can.

A lot of the time I hold things like this in, I was on here one night an spoke about a friend of mine who died at 16 and I had a lot of support and countless private messages, and it ended up that I became friends with a guy that went to school with him,



I know that it puts a downer on afterhours, but this feels like a great place to turn to for comfort,


I thank all of you just for bein there for me, it means a lot

Chuck Stone

My condolences.

Doc

That’s tough man I’m really sorry. Don’t know that there’s anything anyone can say just try and remember the good times.

Don’t think anyone on here is that big a dick to post something bad but maybe someone should be the sacrificial lamb and say something dumb so you could laugh at everyone else ripping the piss out of him for doing it.

PHIDIAS

Really sorry for your loss op, nothing you can do but take it minute by minute & day by day. Sudden deaths are hard to cope with i know this myself. It will get easier...

Balfie

I'm really waiting for one of them posts where it makes everyone laugh and make me thank the fact that I put this thread on here,


I'm delighted with the help in the posts that I have got here,


I thank all you for just being nice,

If I could thank a lot of posts twice I would









With my eyes flooded with tears its amazing to see that you guys look after people that have a sad story



From the bottom of my heart,


Thank you

Doc

Balfie wrote: »

I'm really waiting for one of them posts where it makes everyone laugh and make me thank the fact that I put this thread on here,

No pressure so lads!

Balfie

Doc wrote: »

No pressure so lads!

Ha, as much as I'm crying, I know that the people of after hours can make anyone laugh..

Just posting here about this has made things that little bit better


If that makes sense..

Thanks

Sharpshooter

Balfie wrote: »

I'm really waiting for one of them posts where it makes everyone laugh and make me thank the fact that I put this thread on here,
Thank you

I have cats and dogs in my house Balfie.
I just went upstairs to go to bed,and found one of my dogs taking the cats droppings out of the litter tray and putting them in the cats bed!

Go figure!:mad:

Balfie

Hot Lips wrote: »

I have cats and dogs in my house Balfie.
I just went upstairs to go to bed,and found one of my dogs taking the cats droppings out of the litter tray and putting them in the cats bed!

Go figure!:mad:

Haha ya know I had a cat, at the same time as I had a staff puppy, and at the time the cat got bigger than the puppy, it was a lot funnier than it seems, but the cat attacked the puppy like crazy, she felt great, then the puppy grew an the dog would play with her an kick the face off her, it was funny to see, I remember the cat rolling over with shock on her face and not expecting a bit dog to hit her back.. It was great...



Thanks for takin my mind off things Hot Lips

randylonghorn

Balfie wrote: »

I can already see the after hours response,



How do I put somethin so close to my heart here??


One of my friends died tonight, my sisters best friend.. An I really don't know where to turn but here..

I stood at a graveside a week ago, balfie, and watched them lower a 35 year old girl into the earth. I looked at her husband, my friend, and their 3 year old daughter, and I hadn't a fúcking clue what to say to him.

A few years ago, I watched them bury a 28 year old girl, a good friend of mine, who had an aneurism while skiing. I had no clue what to say to her parents, her sisters, her boyfriend ... even though I knew them all well.

When I was 19, I watched them bury a girl of 20 who had spent 6 months dying from leukaemia. I sat beside her many a day and many a night during those 6 months, and somehow found the words to chat and distract her and make her laugh. But on that final day, I couldn't find any words to say to her family or to her parents ... even though I had shared some of their daughter's final hours.

The old people mutter "Sorry for your trouble!" I used to resent that ... I thought it meant "I don't really care! I'm just here to fulfil a social obligation."

But I've realised in the last few years that it doesn't mean that at all, at least not most of the time. Usually, it means "I really want to reach out and be here for you, but I haven't a clue what to say to help!"

I still can't force those words past my lips, they still feel too much like a formula, but I understand now that they are genuinely and kindly meant.

There are no "right" words, it's that simple. Death, especially the death of a young person, is the ultimate crime against life.

I've also stood beside the grave of a woman who died aged 104 ... and that felt right. She had had a great life, up until the last couple of weeks. Hard at times, certainly, money was scarce, lots of things were scarce, but she had lived her life to the full and lived to bounce her great-grandchildren on her knee. She went out easily, willingly, with a sense that she had done everything she wanted to do. Her family shed tears, sure, but they smiled though their tears for the strong woman who had made the brown bread in the house until a couple of months before she died, and was convinced (rightly!) that no-one else had her hand with it! That death felt ... right.

But to see a young person cut down early ... that never feels right.

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

My sympathies ... in all honesty, what else can I say? What else is worth saying?

PHIDIAS

randylonghorn wrote: »

I stood at a graveside a week ago, balfie, and watched them lower a 35 year old girl into the earth. I looked at her husband, my friend, and their 3 year old daughter, and I hadn't a fúcking clue what to say to him.

A few years ago, I watched them bury a 28 year old girl, a good friend of mine, who had an aneurism while skiing. I had no clue what to say to her parents, her sisters, her boyfriend ... even though I knew them all well.

When I was 19, I watched them bury a girl of 20 who had spent 6 months dying from leukaemia. I sat beside her many a day and many a night during those 6 months, and somehow found the words to chat and distract her and make her laugh. But on that final day, I couldn't find any words to say to her family or to her parents ... even though I had shared some of their daughter's final hours.

The old people mutter "Sorry for your trouble!" I used to resent that ... I thought it meant "I don't really care! I'm just here to fulfil a social obligation."

But I've realised in the last few years that it doesn't mean that at all, at least not most of the time. Usually, it means "I really want to reach out and be here for you, but I haven't a clue what to say to help!"

I still can't force those words past my lips, they still feel too much like a formula, but I understand now that they are genuinely and kindly meant.

There are no "right" words, it's that simple. Death, especially the death of a young person, is the ultimate crime against life.

I've also stood beside the grave of a woman who died aged 104 ... and that felt right. She had had a great life, up until the last couple of weeks. Hard at times, certainly, money was scarce, lots of things were scarce, but she had lived her life to the full and lived to bounce her great-grandchildren on her knee. She went out easily, willingly, with a sense that she had done everything she wanted to do. Her family shed tears, sure, but they smiled though their tears for the strong woman who had made the brown bread in the house until a couple of months before she died, and was convinced (rightly!) that no-one else had her hand with it! That death felt ... right.

But to see a young person cut down early ... that never feels right.

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

My sympathies ... in all honesty, what else can I say? What else is worth saying?

This brought tears to my eyes it is so eloquently written, but has described everyone feelings at some stage of their lives. Well said, and sorry to hear about your losses also.

Balfie

randylonghorn wrote: »

I stood at a graveside a week ago, balfie, and watched them lower a 35 year old girl into the earth. I looked at her husband, my friend, and their 3 year old daughter, and I hadn't a fúcking clue what to say to him.

A few years ago, I watched them bury a 28 year old girl, a good friend of mine, who had an aneurism while skiing. I had no clue what to say to her parents, her sisters, her boyfriend ... even though I knew them all well.

When I was 19, I watched them bury a girl of 20 who had spent 6 months dying from leukaemia. I sat beside her many a day and many a night during those 6 months, and somehow found the words to chat and distract her and make her laugh. But on that final day, I couldn't find any words to say to her family or to her parents ... even though I had shared some of their daughter's final hours.

The old people mutter "Sorry for your trouble!" I used to resent that ... I thought it meant "I don't really care! I'm just here to fulfil a social obligation."

But I've realised in the last few years that it doesn't mean that at all, at least not most of the time. Usually, it means "I really want to reach out and be here for you, but I haven't a clue what to say to help!"

I still can't force those words past my lips, they still feel too much like a formula, but I understand now that they are genuinely and kindly meant.

There are no "right" words, it's that simple. Death, especially the death of a young person, is the ultimate crime against life.

I've also stood beside the grave of a woman who died aged 104 ... and that felt right. She had had a great life, up until the last couple of weeks. Hard at times, certainly, money was scarce, lots of things were scarce, but she had lived her life to the full and lived to bounce her great-grandchildren on her knee. She went out easily, willingly, with a sense that she had done everything she wanted to do. Her family shed tears, sure, but they smiled though their tears for the strong woman who had made the brown bread in the house until a couple of months before she died, and was convinced (rightly!) that no-one else had her hand with it! That death felt ... right.

But to see a young person cut down early ... that never feels right.

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

My sympathies ... in all honesty, what else can I say? What else is worth saying?

Thanks for sharing that Randy. That was one of them tough things to read, but it was nice to see that people can have emotion even when they write things, on an internet forum.


Thank you.

xzanti

Condolences

+1 for the Bereavement Forum.

Logical Fallacy

Hey OP,

very sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you and your sister and the deceased family get all the help and support you need in this tough time.

Coping with death can be a weird fish, it's tough to make sense of and it's tough to give advice because everyone is different.

Over the last two years I've buried an Uncle who was killed while out walking by a motorist and one of my best friends who passed away after a battle with lung cancer. Both seemed like largely senseless deaths...my Uncle wasn't an old man, mid-50's and full of life and my friend was the same age as me...terribly young to have to deal with cancer. I was left largely numb on both occasions if i am honest.

I don't remember much but i distinctly remember a turning point, where i was able to think about and remember them both without that cutting sadness of their loss and was able to focus more on the great memories i had of both and just genuinely felt lucky to have had them in my life.

I think when someone we know dies that it's important to feel sad and find the right balance between experiencing that sadness and grief and being there for other people who also feel it. You will be strong on occasions where your sister feels weak and vice versa.

condolences OP

make sure you let it all out and don't bottle it up