I have no freedom or choice about my own life

LegacyUser

I'm 29 years old. For the past 10 years, I've been having cancer treatment. I don't want to go into detail about that as I don't want to identify myself. The treatment leaves me feeling ill, and the illness gets worse and worse as the years go on. It makes me feel exhausted, brain foggy and uncomfortable, and has damaged my heart so that I now have to take beta blockers as well. Previously I was living and working abroad, then I went to university. I had to drop out of university due to my illness and my parents told me that they were very disappointed with me for not continuing, but I genuinely felt so ill that I couldn't continue.

I was working as well but had to quit as I simply couldn't manage working and feeling so ill. I went back home to live with my mother as I couldn't work any more and couldn't afford my own flat any more. I get disability living allowance now but it's nowehere near enough to live on, hence moving back with my mother.
My family are totally unsympathetic. My mother tells me there are people much worse off than me and I should be grateful I'm still alive. My sister tells me I'm a burden on the family. My father tells me he's very disappointed that I dropped out of university and why don't I go back and get my degree. (The university themselves agreed that I should leave as I was clearly in no fit state to continue). Due to side effects from my medication, twice I was rushed to hospital with heart problems but my family still don't take me seriously. Even when I was first diagnosed with cancer my mum told me I'm a hypochondriac.

The problem is that now I live with my mother and depend on her for money as my benefits aren't enough. She uses this as an opportunity to control aspects of my life that are none of her business. Things like reading my private letters, inspecting my bedroom, etc. She pressurises me into having medical treatments that I don't want by threatening to have me sectioned if I don't have the treatments.
Personally, I've had enough.

I have a pet horse. I bought him before I got quite so sick. I bought him with my own money and he's legally registered to me. But now I don't have the money my mum is paying his livery bills and she uses this as an excuse to take over and do whatever she wants with him. She sent him to a training yard for schooling and I don't want him there, they are not looking after him properly and he's become injured. I said he's my horse and I want him brought home but she says she's leaving him there for another month anyway.
She says when I get him back, if I ever ride him (I haven't ridden him yet as I haven't been well enough but I hope to one day) then I will be led around on a leading rein under supervision! I am nearly 30 years old and have been riding since I was 4 - I can judge for myself when I feel well enough to ride and I do not need to be led around.
I used to be a semi-professional showjumper ffs. It's not concern that I'm not well enough to ride, it's nothing to do with that. It's only because the horse is young. She says if I don't do as she says she won't pay the bills and I'll have to sell the horse. But I love my horse and I'd spend the rest of my life worrying about whats happening to him if I sold him. He's the only reason I haven't thrown myself off a cliff yet.

She just interferes in every aspect of my life. I had major surgery that I didn't want, and that I believe I didn't need, because of pressure from her. And I've had horrific side effects from it. She interrogates me about things that are none of her business. And she doesn't take my illness seriously, she treats me like a hypochondriac and makes fun of me, saying things like "Are you just going to live here forever? aren't you going to get a life? when will I get rid of you? etc."

I really don't want to live any more but let me stress that I am not clinically depressed. I have seen counsellors and psychiatrists and they agree that I am not depressed. I simply have an unbearable living situation, being ill and having no freedom or control. My mother also discusses my personal private business with all and sundry, which I hate.
I hear her on the phone, discussing me with her friends, telling them about my medical treatments and my failures in life, which is how she sees me giving up my job and studying. I have told her to stop telling people my business but she won't.

When I try to persuade her to let me make my own decisions, she gets very angry and starts screaming at me. Even other people can see it, even one of my mum's friends has offered to back me up against her in future.

More than anything I wish that I was well, so that I could move abroad again, earn my own money and have my independence again. I'd cut all contact with my family.

So I'm stuck in this miserable limbo, nearly 30 years old and still dependent on my mother's permission for everything. I just don't know what to do.

Beruthiel

Hi OP,

As euthanasia is illegal in Ireland, we are unable to discuss it on this site.

I apologise for having to edit your post and remove all discussion on that topic, especially as I believe in your right to access it.

As for the rest of your comments, I truly feel for you OP.
I'm finding it difficult to believe that your family can be that cold towards you.

I'm curious, how much would you get for your horse if you sold it?

Is there no way to move out of the house and gain some independence away for you mother?

Danniboo

OP, my sympathy and sorry to hear you've been so ill.

I have to say your post is very confusing though. Your mother says your a hypocondriac, yet she forces you to have "medical treatment and major surgery", that's completely contradicting calling you a hypocondriac. Was it cosmetic surgery or something as I don't understand how someone can force someone to have major surgery for medical reasons without their consent and the doctors obviously recommending it.

Regarding your mother threatning to get you sectioned do you suffer any mental illness, if not then I would laugh at her when she says that.

As for the horse, if he's in a yard it's obviously bringing in income and getting exercise he wouldn't be getting otherwise?? When you say he's young, you've never ridden him etc, has he ever been properly broken??? Is this maybe why your mother is concerned about your riding him on your own when your so unwell???? OP I think if that's the case your mother is dead right. As a perfectly healthy person who's ridden young tempermental horses, i've ended up with broken bones, cuts and bruises etc.


Are you in remission OP or still getting regular treatment??? I can't understand how any family could be so cruel to someone who is going through cancer.

Turtwig

Danniboo wrote: »

I can't understand how any family could be so cruel to someone who is going through cancer.

Unfortunately, I've seen this thing more than you can imagine. Well, not for cancer but for other serious illnesses. It seems that some families have an idea that folk of a certain age shouldn't get sick. If they do then it's gotta be something they did wrong or because they were reckless or something! It's almost as if the child ought to do this, be this, achieve that. When that "ought" vision fails to pass some parents, family and friends can respond rather negatively and condescending towards the ailment assuming its effects to be greatly exaggerated. Sometimes they will even deny the illness actually exists. Sad fact of life.

OP, I thoroughly sympathise with your situation. You need to find a way to get your mother out of your life. Parts of her probably mean well at times but she is utterly misguided based on your description given and is causing you more harm than good. She wants you "fixed" and back to who she thinks you ought to have been. I seriously think it would be time to use that friend of her's who said they'd back you up. Others have suggested selling your horse. It would probably offer you a way out, but if it is the only thing holding you together right now then I suggest you hang on to it. Do you have any other possessions that you could offload? Also, did you ever consider going back into education? Might it be possible that you are ready for it again, contact the disability office in various universities to at least find out what options you have.

Wish you all the best and hope that you're situation improves

saa

You do have choices and control, Could your counselor write a letter backing up that your living situation is not appropriate and your income is not enough to house yourself could you apply to receive rent allowance and join the housing list, I'm not sure how much care you need but I feel like you have a good case for financial assistance for housing.

Oryx

The only way to get control of your life is to take it. You are an adult and quite capable of saying no to anyone. If they throw a screaming strop, you need to learn not to let it affect you and to walk away. Which sounds dead simple but it takes a lot to do it in practice.

But on the other hand, you cannot ask those around you for help, and then resent their 'interference' in your life. You live with your mother for financial reasons. You accept money from her. You allow her to pay for your horse's stabling. Now, if you didnt have her there, what would you do? You would probably be faced with tougher choices, like selling your horse. You might be living in a bedsit or a houseshare.

Your illness is not your fault, jesus ten years of it is hell. Sounds to me like your family are so used to you being sick that they no longer notice the consequences of it or realise what you are going through. Its just 'you'. Hence the crass comments. But as mentioned here, I dont know how anyone else can force a 29 year old adult to undertake medical procedures if they dont want to. There is an aspect here of you allowing this to happen. You cannot be sectioned if you are not mentally ill, so that threat is a bluff. If, however you are refusing necessary treatment thats a different story.

What you need to do is realise that you dont need your mothers permission. You really dont. You have options, but they may involve a far tougher time than youre having now. For now, consider what you can do independently. Write a list of things you want to change. Begin small steps to change them, one by one. You may need to sacrifice things, like your horse. But for the bigger picture of a fuller life, isnt it worth it?

And lastly, remember that YOU DECIDE. And dont let tantrums sway you.

LegacyUser

Hi.

No, I have never had cosmetic surgery. My cancer spread to an internal organ. There were several treatment options, including surgery and radiation, which were the two the doctor suggested. I didn't want such invasive treatment and wanted to try other options but my mother nagged and pressured me and I was so exhausted and so weak that eventually I had the surgery to shut her up. I've regretted it ever since. I don't believe it was necessary, losing the organ has caused me to require life long extra treatment and I wish I'd given the less invasive options a chance first.

When I originally found the first lump, the doctor did a biopsy which showed that it needed further investigation. My mum said then that I was a hypochondriac. When cancer was diagnosed, she pressured me into treatments. Now that the cancer is under control and my life is not considered in immediate danger, my mother accuses me of being a hypochondriac because the drugs that I'm taking make me feel very ill. She thinks that since I'm not dying, I shouldn't complain about feeling ill, I should just get on with it and try harder.

My parents spent a huge amount of money on my education and they are obsessed with education. They sent me to a private school which I hated and paid for lots of extra private tuition. They also forced me to take deportment classes, elocution lessons and that sort of thing. Apart from trying to turn me into an academic, they were trying to turn me upper-class. Thats why my mother was willing to pay for riding lessons when I was a child. But when I got older that caused problems and friction between us as my mother tried to pressure me into become a dressage champion (because she thinks it's an upper-class thing to do) while I wanted to showjump and just ride around for fun. She also tried to pressure me into taking up fox-hunting, despite me being a vegan, because she thinks it's a good way for me to find a rich, upper-class husband. Their dream is for me to be a professional academic and marry my way into an aristocratic family. That sounds really stupid and unrealistic when I say it here but they really have spend a fortune, worked their fingers to the bone trying to ensure that that happens. They are hugely disappointed that that is clearly not going to happen. My mum has often told me that having me has ruined her life, and been the end of her life.

Although it's been professionally agreed that I'm not clinically depressed at the moment, I did attempt suicide some years ago, hence my worrying that my mother can have me sectioned if I refuse treatment. She also works in the mental health industry, so I'm worried that she could use her contacts to get me committed.

The horse was recently professionally broken in. I am more than capable of riding him when I get the energy. My ability to ride just depends on my energy level, which fluctuates depending on the dose of medication that I am taking at the time. When I have the energy I'll ride him and I'll manage fine I'm sure. My mum says that he should stay at the yard because they are riding him (she's paying them to ride him) and keeping him in practise. However I don't like him being there. He's gotten a big injury to his leg and been kicked in the face, resulting in scarring, there. It's not a nice place. But that's just a symptom of a wider problem, the fact that if my mother overrules me on anything, there is nothing I can do.

If I sold the horse I might get a couple of grand for him, but nowehere near what I've put in. But the point is, I'd be devastated. I love him and he's the only pleasure in my life. My eyes are filling with tears now thinking about selling him. If I have to lose him, I will kill myself by jumping off my local multi-storey car park.

I know that you're saying that I allow my mother to control me but the fact is, I'm too tired to fight. I have been so ill for so long, and I'm exhausted and I don't have the energy to fight. I'm dosed up to the eyeballs on different drugs, which all have side effects, and I have been worn down by my family's constant bullying. I don't know why people find it hard to believe that my family are so cold to me, I guess I am just so used to it. As for education - even if I felt well I am not interested in going to university I am not interested in studying. I never want to do it, I only went to university the first time because my parents made me feel so guilty.

My mother is very well-off. She has a 7 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and 4 toilets and 2 kitchens - and it's only the two of us living here. She keeps numerous horses, which she doesn't even ride, they are just a status symbol as she wants people to think she's upper class. She drives a jeep even though we live in a town and she only ever drives to work and the supermarket. She goes on foreign holidays. She is constantly getting home improvements. She has all of this spare money and she knows very well that what would make me so much happier is having a place of my own. She could easily afford to rent me a flat. She did so when I was at university, she did it then because I was doing what she wanted, going to university. But now that I'm not doing what she wants she isn't willing to make me happy or do anything to make my life bearable. The only reason she's paying my horse's livery is because he was quite a famous prize-winning stud stallion before I bought him and she likes the admiring glances that he gets from other horsy people.

I honestly think that she wants me to be unhappy. She's always made it very clear to me that I am not the child that she wanted. Even before I got sick that was the case.

LegacyUser

btw I forgot to answer a previous question - my cancer treatment is going to be lifelong. I am permanently on drugs to try to stop the cancer from coming back, and I get monthly checks to see if it's come back. I also take drugs permanently because of the organs I've had removed, and I now take drugs for the heart damage the other treatments have given me. When I got cancer they told me that with the treatments I didn't need to die, I could still live an almost normal length of life. However they didn't tell me that my quality of life would be utterly ruined.

solovely

Hi OP,

Reading your post has really saddened me and I was thinking a lot about it last night. I really am not in a situation to offer you any advice, as I've no familiarity with your situation, I just wanted to offer you some hugs and support. I can only imagine what you're going through.

Your mother sounds like a complete nightmare. She obviously had notions when you were born of what you would turn out to be, and fate has played a hand in that not being the way - but from the sound of things, had you turned out to be gay, wanted to play in a rock band, be an actor, live in a council house, have kids before marriage, etc. etc. she would have had the same reaction. It's just really unfortunate here that you have done absolutely nothing to warrant the way she treats you.

I don't want to get too much into your family situation as I know you don't want to identify yourself, but just wondering is there a Dad or any siblings there to support you? It doesn't sound like it, you sound incredibly lonely.

Have you friends you can rely on, any support at all besides this aunt?

I think support is key. If you don't have any people close to you that you can rely on to not judge you and be there for you, I'm sure there must be support groups for people in your situation? Can you get to these groups? Are there even online support groups? It's not as good as the real thing granted.

Are there any old school friends in your local area you can talk to? I know it might be hard as they've moved on, had families, whatever, but I'm sure if people knew how you were feeling, they'd love to help out.

As for the living situation, I really don't know what support I can offer, but have you spoken to your local community welfare officer? They must be able to offer you advice about alternative living arrangements?

Does your Mum know how much she contributes to your unhappiness? It sounds like she's conditioned herself to be a certain way, but if you weren't here in the morning, she would be devastated. She needs to relearn how she acts and how she thinks.

Do you regularly attend counselling? I'm sure the Irish Cancer Society must offer such a service? Does she? It sounds like something she could definitely benefit from!

As for your horse, definitely keep him if it makes you feel better.
Are there any other hobbies you can take part in that require less effort? Cookery courses, volunteering, writing, etc? Things to take your mind off your situation? Having a new interest would not only help distract you, but also help you meet new people, and perhaps ultimately lead you to something where you can earn a living and become fully independent? Just a thought.

My heart really does go out to you, and I hope you can get through this and see all the good things that are still there in life waiting to be grasped.

Danniboo

OP,

I'm going to be cruel to be kind here.

Firstly, have you ever sat your mother down and told her you don't want to go to university?? What do you want to do with your life, what did you want to do before you got sick??

You go on about your mother doesn't want to make your life easy or bearable or make you happy. But yet you don't want to do what she wants you do to make her happy She's obviously tried to support you paid for uni, accommodation etc. She's supporting you financially OP, what more can you expect. You say your too weak, tired,ill and worn down to stand up to her, we're only talking conversation here. Yet you are giving out because you want her to bring the horse back, as you think you will be well enough to ride a fresh, young stallion, on your own. I can see how your mother would get frustrated with this.

If you genuinely believe your well enough to do this, then would it not be fair to say that you could be well enough to look for a place of your own, surely your entitled to some sort of rent allowance etc and maybe the possibility of some easy going job even one or two days.

I think you are very depressed OP and I mean this with the greatest respect I think you may be using your illness to hide behind. What did the docs say about the two treatment options, I find it hard to believe that an organ would be removed when another less invasive procedure with less long term implications would be as effective. You seem to think that your mother suggested this almost out of spite.

Maybe you need someone to be angry with OP, that's okay you've been through hell and back.

I don't mean to be harsh or upset you in any way, just seems to be more than your illness and your mothers hob nobbing going on here.

LegacyUser

Hi

My mother knows exactly what I wanted to do with my life. As soon as I was old enough I moved abroad, before university. My greatest desire in life is to live in that country again and spend my life there. My mother knows this very well. She knows I am not interested in university but she doesn't care whether I'm happy, she just wants me to be someone she can boast about. But that's not going to happen, nor is earning a living. My consultant has told me that there is nothing he can do to make me well or to improve my quality of life, he can only keep me alive. That's why I get benefits, because I can't work. My main problems are my heart and brain fog/exhaustion. The brain fog and exhaustion are what stops me from working. This fluctuates depending on my medication dose - sometimes I have some energy and concentration and at these times I intend to ride the horse. I won't ride the horse if I don't feel up to it, and at nearly 30 years old I don't feel that I should have to justify my decision or plead with my mother - plenty of adults take part in all kinds of much more risky activities and don't need to beg and plead for the right to do so. Anyway there are 2 women with horses at they yard who are more than happy to ride out with me - I wouldn't be galloping around alone, just riding calmly out with 2 older women.

I don't have contact with my old friends any more - most have moved away and anyway I don't have any desire to hang out with people, I just can't be bothered, I don't want to do the things that people do, like going to the pub or whatever. I'm a totally different person now than I was before my illness. I used to be sociable, enthusiastic and energetic. I was having a great time living abroad. Now I'm exhausted, frequently in hospital and hate socialising.

The doctors told me to have the organ removed. However numerous other people have used the less invasive method and lived. But that's beside the point, the point is I am tired of the constant interference in my life. It's none of her business at my age I should be able to do whatever I want without hassle from anyone. I can't work because I can't take on a job knowing that there will be times when I can't work. I've done that already and had to leave. It's different with the horse - I can ride when I'm up to it and stay away when I'm ill. But you can't keep doing that with a job. I know we aren't allowed to discuss euthanasia here but I just want to say something as some people seem to be doubting my illness - I told my consultant that if I could find the money I'd go to Switzerland for assisted suicide and he did not try to disuade me. He admits my quality of life is gradually goint to get even worse and there's nothing he can do.

We aren't only "talking conversation" with my mother. If I disagree with anything she says or try to do my own thing, she screams and screams viciously, and goes on and on, not letting me get a word in. If I start saying something that she doesn't agree with she cuts me off, she won't listen. She's always been like that, even when I was a child, neither me nor my sister would dare approach her. If we ever said or did anything we didn't like, she'd threaten to leave us. Once she told us she was leaving and never coming back and she really did leave. She left us alone (aged about 6 and 9 I'd guess) and hours later night came and we were still alone. We really believed that she'd gone for good so we called our grandparents and asked if they would come and live with us. They came, found us alone and were discussing what to do. Hours later my mother returned and was furious with us for calling our grandparents. She had only been tricking us that she wasn't coming back and she was genuinely enraged that we had involved our grandparents. Another time, when I was about the same age, I hadn't cleaned my room to her satisfaction so she told me that she'd had enough of me and was taking me to a children's home. She made me pack my stuff and get into the car. We drove for about half and hour and then pulled up outside a building. She said the building was the children's home and I must wait in the car while she goes in to tell them that I've arrived. She went in, then came out with a package and we drove home. It turned out that that building was the post office and she'd gone to collect a package, she was only tricking me that she was getting rid of me. Every morning when she drove us to school she's scream and cry all the way and tell us that she didn't want us. There'd always be some reason that she was so angry - maybe we'd taken too long to get ready or something like that. My point is that she is impossible to talk to - she is always angry with me and she has never really wanted me. She just rants and raves and won't let me get a word in edgeways and she never has.

My father doesn't live with us but he contacts me once every few months or so. However I don't love him and I don't want him in my life. He always makes it very clear that I'm a disappointment and he used to beat me when I was a child, so badly that I once even asked social services to take me away. He used to beat me around the head while my mother just stood there saying, "Not around the head." He would do it for reasons such as if I wouldn't give my sister one of my sweets, and stuff like that. I was absolutely terrified of both of my parents for my entire childhood. If I had money I wouldn't have contact with either of them again. Even my sister moved abroad and says she's never coming back.

I don't attend counselling any more. I did join a cancer support group in my area but then they closed down. They said they'll let me know when they start up again.

The thing is, life is just so so much effort for virtually no reward. It's honestly not worth it. I would kill myself if it wasn't for the horse, I just worry what would happen to him if I didn't own him, he might end up living a horrible life, being abused. I've even been thinking about having him put down and then killing myself. Also I'm worried that if I jump off a builing I'll end up alive but paralysed and then even more dependent. But I really don't feel that there's any other way out.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, another cruel to be kind post here. You say you are sick of her interference, yet are happy for her to financially subsidise you.

At 29, you give out because your mother is quite wealthy, and could "easily afford" to pay rent for you somewhere else.

That's not going to happen.
You need to accept that's not going to happen.

At 29, you need to become independent. If you can no longer bear to live with your mother then you need to find a way to move out.

Plenty of people do it. Plenty of people struggle and live on benefits, and can't work, but they manage.

You need to lower your expectations. All your life you have had everything handed to you, and your mother has made all your decisions. Nothing in your life has changed to alter that dynamic, and that is why your mother is still handing you things and treating you like a child. You haven't proven to her that you are capable of being an independent adult, so she is continuing to treat you as a child.

Go to your local community welfare officer. See what you may be eligible for, try get on a housing list. You will have to live in accommodation and an area less affluent than you are used to. You are going to have to survive on cheaper food/clothes etc than you are used to. Your mother might actually have a heart attack/panic attack/major hissy fit at the thoughts of it, but the only way to change your life is by getting out there and becoming independent of her.

You may even find, after some time, your relationship with her changes.

I am not for 1 second rubbishing your feelings or your illness, but sitting around depending on someone to change your circumstances for you, when they have no intention of doing so, is going to cause you nothing but sustained pain.

Moving out and becoming independent will, in the short term, be the most difficult thing you will do. Long term, it will change your life.

Take control yourself.
You can't rely on your mother on one hand, and then resent her "input"(!) on the other.

Start thinking of yourself as an independent adult, and someday she may treat you like one.... but you know what, even if she doesn't it won't matter because you'll be independent of her.

tyview

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Go to your local community welfare officer. See what you may be eligible for, try get on a housing list. You will have to live in accommodation and an area less affluent than you are used to. You are going to have to survive on cheaper food/clothes etc than you are used to.

That sounds like a truly awful life OP. I was going to reply the above too. Go to your CWO and get on a housing list. All of this negativity and control from your mother must be draining to live with. You really would be better off getting out of it purely for your own sanity. Check and see if you would be eligible for rent allowance from your local CWO. I doubt she is going to back down and pay for you to rent somewhere else. I really think you should talk to your GP about how you are feeling. Suicidal thoughts like that should not be ignored.

neuro-praxis

OP, you have had some hard knocks.

However you have a victim mindset.

Until that changes, nothing else will.

Neyite

OP. What you want is your mother to change. Not gonna happen. Any changes you want made have to come from you.

The only way that you will get your mother to butt out is to be independant of her, then you can tell her to butt out. Thats it in a nutshell - because if you are still dependant on her, she gets to call the shots. After all, she is paying.

I am sorry but I really dont buy the excuse that you cant move out and live independantly - You havent even checked to see what benefits you are entitled to. I have a relative around your age who has severe cerebral palsy. They cannot speak, wash dress or feed themselves, but are still living independant of their family with a carer provided in their own little apartment. And I know plenty of people who are on illness benefit or disability benefit who manage to live independently of their families.

You can go on a housing list, and get benefits to live on, but you prefer to expect your mother to pay for an apartment for you, but why would she with a massive house and only the two of you rattling around in it.

But, I'm not sure that you really do want to live independant of your mother - you want her to fund the lifestyle that you simultanously enjoy and dismiss as sobbery. For you to truly stand on your own two feet will probably mean that your sell your horse. But you dont want to. Thats what being a grown up is all about. Living within your means.

Which is more important, your independance or keeping the things you want in your life paid for you by your mother? Thats what it boils down to.

CathyMoran

I am a 5 year oesophageal cancer survivor, type 1 diabetic and a few other bits and bods. I do find it very hard that i still have to rely on people more than I would like to - my husband is great. I look normal but I have chronic fatigue. My mother was very contrlling of me when she was alive also.

It is not an easy place to be in but you are still alive but you need to take back some control of your life. Could you do some online courses for a start? I stay in contact with a lot of my friends online.

You do need to get away from your mother - that is a very bad relationship.

LegacyUser

OP,
It all sucks but one of the reasons you can't move on may be because your mother spent your childhood screaming at you and telling you that you weren't wanted and could be abandonded at anytime.

It's hard to be an independant adult when the skills required to do so have not been taught to you as a child. It may be the case that you will have to take control and learn to be an adult quickly, or forever be a child dominated by what appears to be a mentally ill woman.

LegacyUser

Reading this really affected me. I think the way your being treated is a disgrace. Who knows why your mother is doing these things...maybe its her (screwed up) way of trying to protect you? Or maybe she is just plain mean? Its hard to say. But the bottom line is that you already have enough to contend with due to your illness without having to deal with this crap. You deserve to have your family supporting and encouraging you instead of treating you like a child and dismissing you. Its a disgrace.
You say your on disability allowance? Im not sure how much this is, but could you not get rent allowance too? This way you could move out. Or are there other things you depend on your mother for apart from money that would mean you couldnt live independantly? I dont know where your living but for exxample in dublin if a person is on the dole they get approx €188 a week, then if they are a single person they are entitled to approx €98 per week rent allowance. They may also be eligable for fuel allowance of approx €20 per week. So if you were able to get yourself a one bed flat or even a bedsit(i doubt you would mind lack of space as long as you had your own place) for 100-130 per week then i dont see how you couldnt afford this? I think on diability your entitled to more money then on the dole so unless there are other expenses that you havent mentioned then you should be able to move out of your parents. The community welfare officer gives deposits to people in certain circumstances and in your situation im sure you would qualify for this, assuming you wouldnt have it already. I think it would be best all round for you to leave your parents house and start living independanttly. It would probably do you the world of good to regain your independance and get away from all the negativity that surronds you at home. That coupled with your illness is clearly no good for you.
Best of luck with everything.

saa

OP its up to you what you want, you will lose some things but gain so much more, my parents were abusive and I could of stayed there but I left my MY own good not theirs, I tried keeping contact because of guilt but when I was misdiagnosed with a brain tumour and they didn't care that was the final straw its too difficult to choose that for yourself, I know you're afraid of not seeing your horse again but I don't get to see my smaller siblings who I love dearly again, they think I hate them and don't want to see them. Family shíte is complicated but you have to decide what to do and never be afraid to ask for help, I came up to Dublin with a bag on my back and 5 euro in my pocket and it was the best thing I could of ever done. You have your benefit I suggest applying for rent support, if needs be get a PO box so your mother doesn't see the letters, I know it seems like too much work but think of how much peace and freedom you will have.

Big Bag of Chips

I would also urge, as a matter or extreme urgency to get yourself counselling. Not cancer counselling, personal counselling. Ask your GP to refer you to someone. You need to talk about your life with someone qualified, who can point out to you that you are not in any way at fault or to blame for your mother's behaviour.

And that once you take that step to break free from her, you are capable of and WILL live a normal adult life.