Trying to make things Right.

Sashiee

Hi Boardsies

I hope someone here can give me much needed advice.
I've been going out with my O/H the last 15 months and everything is absolutley perfect except for the rare occasion of when we go out partying together.
Every night always ends in a crippling row.
It has come to the stage where my O/H has decided that enough is enough and he dosnt want to be together anymore.
So, ive decided to move out and respect his choice.

Friends have told me to just give him space and that this isnt long term but i've braced myself for the worst and that he really does mean what he says.

The thing is, it seems to be always me that starts these rows, and honestly they are not over anything in particular. but I can say things that I would never mean and it's just drunk talk, definatley not sober minds coming out.

Everything else about our relationship is perfect and he has admitted this too,
I'd decided to take action a couple of months back by seeing a councellor and things are improving that way but I understand it can take time to see real results in dealing with some issues that have happened in my past.

I just don't know what to do next. Should I leave him well alone to think about things or is there anything that I could do to show and prove to him that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save this relationship.

Ovbiously sorry dosnt cut it.


Any advice is greatly appreciated. Honesty please!

LovelyLottie

I think you are viewing this relationship with rose-tinted glasses.

If every time you go out socialising together it ends in a huge fight, then this is not a perfect relationship.

Respect his decision. Give him his space. Continue your counselling and focus on sorting out your own issues. Let him contact you, if he decides that he wants to give things another go.

cruais

Good step with the councillor. You should review your drinking to be honest and as you love him, if needs be give it up all together.

Sashiee

the drinking has been given up. until OH thought I was doing well, why not celebrate it with anight out with the girls. I was home by 12.30 as i didnt want to hit town and still. arguments.

i know it might seem irrelevent but we were enganged and we had a dog together. is there anything that i can do to make it as calm as possible.
I dont want to dish out insults as he has done so the last few days.

cruais

Give him a week or so and then maybe suggest that you start again and take it slow. Don't live together for a while and any time he suggests a night out, don't drink. Take the car with you as a means of not drinking.

Sashiee

we've been talking. he's hurt and dissapointed with me.

I'll give him space and concentrate on myself.

Thanks for all the sound advice

LovelyLottie

If he thinks there's a glimmer of hope, and if you really want to change your behaviour, then what i would do is tell him you still love him and that you'll do whatever it takes to put things right.

Actions speak louder than words. You need to prove to him through your actions that you mean those words. If he still loves you, in time hopefully he'll learn to trust and believe in you again.

Sometimes, though, love is really not enough to make a relationship work. You may not be able to 'fix' yourself fast enough for his liking - and that in itself is not your fault. There really is no quick fix for behaviour that perhaps you have learned from previous relationships or past experiences. You need to give yourself time and work on the reasons behind your anger / frustration.

I hope things work out in the best way for both of you.

Chinafoot

Sashiee wrote: »

the drinking has been given up. until OH thought I was doing well, why not celebrate it with anight out with the girls. I was home by 12.30 as i didnt want to hit town and still. arguments.

Hang on a second. He has an issue with your drinking, which you admit is a problem, so you stop drinking and go to a counsellor. He then tells you to go out drinking with your friends to celebrate "doing well." That is ridiculous. If you had made the decision to stop drinking completely why did you go out drinking? If his issue is your drinking why is he suggesting you go out drinking? What the hell is going on in both your heads?

I have been in this situation; drinking way too much and starting fights with my boyfriend. As a result of this I stopped drinking entirely as I knew that if I wanted my relationship to survive this was what I needed to do. My boyfriend would never tell me to go out drinking with my friends as he knows what would happen.

Look, theres two of you in it. He's sending you completely mixed messages about what he does and doesn't find acceptable in your relationship and you need to decide if you are able to quit drinking for good.

I think there is more to this than meets the eye. He sounds like he hasn't a clue what the hell he wants from you. You're together 15 months, engaged, living together and own a dog together. I would question whether or not he is having a freak out about how fast your relationship has moved tbh. Insulting you and telling you he's disappointed in you are not the actions of someone who is meant to be supporting you.

I don't agree that you should tell him you'll do anything to make things right. You should tell him that you will give up the drinking for good but that you need his support in that. Telling you to go off out drinking with your friends is not being supportive. Giving up alcohol completely in Ireland is no mean feat when the pub features so heavily in our social lives.

I think you need to have a serious chat with him about what actually wants from you and this relationship.

Sashiee

Chinafoot wrote: »

If his issue is your drinking why is he suggesting you go out drinking? What the hell is going on in both your heads?

He sounds like he hasn't a clue what the hell he wants from you.

You should tell him that you will give up the drinking for good but that you need his support in that.

Thank you,
This is the kind of perspective I was hoping to get.
I havnt had any alcohol over christmas in fact the last 3 months, My boyfriend is still a student and so are most of my friends and so he suggested that I go for a night out as i've been out of the social scene due to not wanting to drink, the thing is I knew I wasnt comfortable drinking, but thought if we both think it's ok then there should be no problem and when I decided to come home after a couple of hours I thought I was doing the right thing.

It just dosnt seem to ever be enough. I don't have to rely on drink to have a good time as I'm sociable and will talk to the wall if it will talk back!

I think there is a few things going on in his head and he is just trying to sort them out aswell,
so maybe with this space he can sort himself out and I will continue to try and change for the better.

It's hard by all means but I do believe it would be worth it, I just don't think he wants to try anymore.

with promising him that i will do anything toget him backi dont think it would be the right way to go about this problem,

I've told him i'm going to use this time to concentrate on myself and try be a better person in all aspects, and he shuld do the same.
I think it's all i can do.

Maybe then we could reconsider getting back together.

But he isnt willing to meet me or even speak to have a rational conversation and make a plan if you like.

Chinafoot

Sashiee wrote: »

Thank you,
This is the kind of perspective I was hoping to get.
I havnt had any alcohol over christmas in fact the last 3 months, My boyfriend is still a student and so are most of my friends and so he suggested that I go for a night out as i've been out of the social scene due to not wanting to drink, the thing is I knew I wasnt comfortable drinking, but thought if we both think it's ok then there should be no problem and when I decided to come home after a couple of hours I thought I was doing the right thing.

If you aren't comfortable drinking then don't drink. It really is that simple.
I get why you thought it would be ok. I mean he tells you his issue is with your drinking, then he tells you to go drinking. Thats a bit of a head-f*ck tbh and he needs to cop on to himself.

Sashiee wrote: »

It just dosnt seem to ever be enough. I don't have to rely on drink to have a good time as I'm sociable and will talk to the wall if it will talk back!

I think there is a few things going on in his head and he is just trying to sort them out aswell,
so maybe with this space he can sort himself out and I will continue to try and change for the better.

It's hard by all means but I do believe it would be worth it, I just don't think he wants to try anymore.

Just make sure that you're working on yourself for you, not for anyone else. I agree with you though, I don't think anything you do will be enough. It sounds like he wants out of this relataionship.

Sashiee wrote: »

with promising him that i will do anything toget him backi dont think it would be the right way to go about this problem,

I've told him i'm going to use this time to concentrate on myself and try be a better person in all aspects, and he shuld do the same.
I think it's all i can do.

Maybe then we could reconsider getting back together.

But he isnt willing to meet me or even speak to have a rational conversation and make a plan if you like.

If it was me I would let go. He broke up with you and he won't speak to you. He's made his decision and you should respect it and try to move on. I think he has treated you very unfairly to be honest.

Sashiee

Chinafoot wrote: »

.



If it was me I would let go. He broke up with you and he won't speak to you. He's made his decision and you should respect it and try to move on.

yeah i think your right,
there isnt anything I could do or say to make him change his mind, he just seems so angry right now with random texts and facebooks. time apart will cool the nerves and
If anything good can come from this it's that we can realise what we had was so beautiful from spending time apart.

I'll concentrate on myself for now.


Thanks Chinafoot xxxx

missbelle

Hey Sashiee

Sorry to hear of your relationship troubles, but as Chinafoot said make sure these steps you are taking are for you, first and foremost. See if you want to stay off drink, or off certain drinks that set you off (wine/vodka etc?), and once you are happy with that, see what the situation is with himself. It may be some insecurity in you underlying, that is coming to the surface with drink - have you had bad relationship experiences before, and this one seemed too good to be true, or moving too fast?

Best of luck anyway

LovelyLottie

Sorry i didn't understand from your post that he told you to go out drinking - that obviously doesn't make sense. I thought it was you who decided to go out, against his wishes. Agree with what Chinafoot said, it sounds like there's more going on than the drinking issue.

Neyite

I think the drinking was a red herring - you still argue when you are sober, and he calls you horrible names. It sounds like a volatile relationship that has moved very fast indeed. Was he the one to suggest engagement and settling down so fast? Did you move in together very soon?

It sounds to me like your drinking was an easy focus point for him to have a go at you, and always be right, so when you fixed that issue (fair play to you , its not easy to admit your shortcomings and work on them) there is now no scapegoat thing in your relationship he can give out to you for. Why on earth then would he insist you go out to drink, only to provoke a scene like this? It sounds like he missed the drama, and being righteous and able to put you "in your place" for your behaviour.

If you stay together, then without drink, its likely that exam stress will be the "cause" of his anger towards you, or the hours you work or some other excuse.

Abuse on facebook or whatever, now that he has dumped you over something he helped cause, is cruel. He is not "hurting", he is doing this to hurt you. Block him and move onto a man that can support you and be grateful you wanted to work on yourself for the good of the relationship.

Sashiee

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Sorry i didn't understand from your post that he told you to go out drinking - that obviously doesn't make sense. I thought it was you who decided to go out, against his wishes. Agree with what Chinafoot said, it sounds like there's more going on than the drinking issue.

Hi LovleyLottie,

No it was mty boyfriend who suggested that I go out, seen as all my friends were and he was playing a match up the country and wouldnt be home til late.
Aside from that, I just shouldnt have taken alcohol.

Sashiee

Neyite wrote: »

It sounds like a volatile relationship that has moved very fast indeed. Was he the one to suggest engagement and settling down so fast? Did you move in together very soon?

It sounds like he missed the drama, and being righteous and able to put you "in your place" for your behaviour.

If you stay together, then without drink, its likely that exam stress will be the "cause" of his anger towards you, or the hours you work or some other excuse.

Hi Neyite,
Thanks for your reply,
I dont know if i've explained it properly but we would never argue when sober and as i had said before the relationship is the best that I coulds ask for , we both put in 100% effort towards each other , even over a year down the line. I don't think he looks for a reason to argue,we would usually talk reasonably about a problem we might be having, be it money, family,. friends etc.



We did move very quickly, I Moved in after 3 months and we got engaged in november, even though it's not an official engagement, it's more of a promise to me that he will be there for me and he knew i'd keep that promise for him.


The thing is despite this promise, i've pushed him away by this arguing, he was completly sober when it happened last and it seems that some of the things i said to him were just plain awful. And I don't know why I said them. I hate the fact that I 've hurt him so bad.

I have had some pretty rough times in the past, including a volitile relationship where barring orders and all sorts were involved, and he knows all of this. What it seems is that I try to hurt him before it can be done to me. I'm sort of protecting myself , but in reality i'm pushing away one of the most important people in my life.

Last night he text and asked to meet. so we sat and talked for about 6 hours, and got it all out . I had to remind him that counselling on my part will take time and i'll have my ups and downs in the meantime. I also challenged him on something which has been bugging me for some time..although my boyfriend has drilled it into my head to not bottle feelings or issues up and talk to him about it,
when I challenged him on doing that exact thing the response I got was quite scary "what's the point in talking about my worries, it's not going to change anything" this was the response to recent exam results or an illness in the family.

He's being a total hypocrite, Fully aware that counselling is just talking and seeing how much it is helping me not blame myself or learn boundaries or just how to talk about things that might be bothering me, he refuses to open his mouth to me at all.

Instead he will toss and turnat night and not sleep until 4 in the morning.

to finish, Chinafoot is spot on

Sorry about the essay!

Neyite

It sounds like you are working very hard on communication here, but he is not. That will be difficult for you when you get frustrated that he isnt opening up to you, and I know it can lead to feeling horribly insecure and confused. Just be aware of that.

He would want to work on his issues to, to be honest. A relationship takes effort on both sides. No matter how much you want to, you cant fix this if he wont.

LovelyLottie

To be honest i'm a bit confused, so this will be my last contribution to this. In your original post you said you had a fantastic relationship except this one issue of you picking fights when you are drunk. That's why i said if you want to make things work, you'll have to sort yourself out and tell him you'll do whatever it takes to overcome your issues. That's from the point of view of someone who knows what it's like to f*ck up a great relationship with a great guy because of unresolved personal issues.

I thought you felt that you were the one with the problem, not him.

From your original post, i didn't get the impression that you were angry at him or annoyed by his lack of communication. I got the impression that you found it totally understandable that he's annoyed at you.

Is it completely your fault that these fights are occurring? Are you picking these fights for no reason? Or are these fights occurring because your relationship is breaking down?

If you feel your behaviour is unacceptable, then he's perfectly entitled to be hurt and disappointed, and needing time apart from you. I don't understand why he's suddenly being attacked, when this post started off as you saying you needed to make things right.

If he's badmouthing you on facebook and in texts then that is totally bizarre in a mature relationship. I also don't think you can say you are engaged, unless it's an official engagement. From your original post, i thought you were full-on engaged. To me it sounds like there are a lot of missing gaps in this story.

If you've behaved as badly as you initially said you did, then he's entitled to be annoyed and p1ssed off. He shouldn't be venting his frustration via texts or fb messages, but we don't always act rationally when under stress.