standing up for myself.

teednab-el

Lately I have noticed a change in my personality at work. I was normally shy, no confidence and always accepted **** thrown at me. At once I was called an angel I was too nice and never opened my mouth. However, lately in the last 6months, ive confronted people who I thought were messing me about. One day an old woman at work told me to "speak up" in a nasty way when I was saying something. I thought she was rude so I cheekily answered back " I don't talk that low, are you deaf or what?" and looked her in the eye, she didn't expect it with her mouth open.

Another girl at work asked me one day why I have loads of holidays and why the hell i wasn't using them. I said "what business is it of yours, look after your own days".

The two girls annoy me to hell that I think they may have forced me to change my personality. Any sh*t they give me and I stuff them back with a sizzler response.


Any thoughts? How have I gone from being quiet to being quite cheeky.

James W

teednab-el wrote: »

Lately I have noticed a change in my personality at work. I was normally shy, no confidence and always accepted **** thrown at me. At once I was called an angel I was too nice and never opened my mouth. However, lately in the last 6months, ive confronted people who I thought were messing me about. One day an old woman at work told me to "speak up" in a nasty way when I was saying something. I thought she was rude so I cheekily answered back " I don't talk that low, are you deaf or what?" and looked her in the eye, she didn't expect it with her mouth open.

Another girl at work asked me one day why I have loads of holidays and why the hell i wasn't using them. I said "what business is it of yours, look after your own days".

The two girls annoy me to hell that I think they may have forced me to change my personality. Any sh*t they give me and I stuff them back with a sizzler response.


Any thoughts? How have I gone from being quiet to being quite cheeky.

It's a miracle - I think you've been inspired. If you keep evolving at the rate you have been, I imagine you'll become famous very soon.

Ickle Magoo

James W given a weeks holiday to acquaint themselves with the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

qwertytlk

Its probably because something in your mind just snapped and said 'lifes too short to be a doormat and put up with peoples crap'....which it is. But, i think there is a way of doing this without actually being cheeky or overtly rude. You need to find a happy medium between your old self(i.e saying nothing and taking their crap) and your new self(.ie being really rude when the situation didnt really require it) because if you dont your just going to be seen as the bad one, the office hothead...which you dont want! So next time something happens then just try and think before you speak. Dont jst say the first thing that comes to mind, as its often the rudest thing! So try the second thing that comes to mind, which will hopefuly sound something like someone who is sticking up for themselves while also having some tact and diplomacy about the situation....
Seriously though, good on you for sticking up for yourself because putting up with peoples crap can really get you down after a while, as im sure you already know! Good luck:)

Jay Pentatonic

Fair play to you man!
I usually always am the one to take people's crap. and i love hearing when people start standing up for themselves

I think in this case it could be a mixture of being fed up with it and your confidence growing. which is brilliant!

I agree with qwertytlk, maybe just try not "snap" and come across rude. Just say something that is defo being 100% assertive but not inappropriate.
It's great that you recognise that you may have to fine tune your new found skill, and once you do, only good things will come out of it!

Best of luck to you!

Ickle Magoo

qwertytlk, James W has been dealt with - please don't back-seat mod and take it upon yourself to chastise other posters.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

hi,
It's great you have stood up for yourself. Sometimes it takes a while for us to reach ''enough''.

Not everyone is good with confrontation so it takes a while to get it right. I just want to say that I find it hard to come across as assertive and confident without being rude. Sometimes i just hold my thought for a second or two and ask the person do they really want to know the answer.

I hate being called an ''angel'' it annoys me as i now see it as being a doormat..to some people.. As others have said try to find a happy medium, it took me a while as at first the new found confidence can be great, giving you a real boost and i think it's just a case of finding new bounderies for yourself. Good luck.

Mods: Thank you for addressing JamesW for his posts, I posted anon as he has been ignorant to me...I guess I should have stood up to him:-) But i don't even like confrontation in cyberspace.

LegacyUser

teednab-el wrote: »

Lately I have noticed a change in my personality at work. I was normally shy, no confidence and always accepted **** thrown at me. At once I was called an angel I was too nice and never opened my mouth. However, lately in the last 6months, ive confronted people who I thought were messing me about. One day an old woman at work told me to "speak up" in a nasty way when I was saying something. I thought she was rude so I cheekily answered back " I don't talk that low, are you deaf or what?" and looked her in the eye, she didn't expect it with her mouth open.

Another girl at work asked me one day why I have loads of holidays and why the hell i wasn't using them. I said "what business is it of yours, look after your own days".

The two girls annoy me to hell that I think they may have forced me to change my personality. Any sh*t they give me and I stuff them back with a sizzler response.


Any thoughts? How have I gone from being quiet to being quite cheeky.

It's good to stand up for yourself, but there's a difference between standing up for yourself and being rude for no reason.

An old woman who can't hear what someone is saying can get quite frustrated. Maybe she made several efforts to gently encourage you to speak louder and got no response. Maybe you were the third person that day she couldn't hear. In any case, your response was rough. 'I don't speak that low' - what low? If she couldn't hear you it was too low for her. 'Are you deaf or something?' - what a dreadful thing to say. People's hearing does decline with age and you have to expect that. You could have smiled and said 'Can't you hear me? Why didn't you just ask me to please speak a little louder?' - while speaking a little louder and clearer.

The girl who asked you about your holidays was probably trying to show concern that you were working too hard. If you don't want her concern then gently put it aside, don't eat the face off her! You could have smiled and said 'Ah, I have plans for those holidays - but it's a secret!'

So yes, do stand up for yourself when people are walking on you. But as other posters have said, think before you speak. Think 'why are they saying this, is it really to get at me or is there another reason?'. If they are overstepping the mark, just make your point quietly without insulting them. Use a bit of humour if you can.

The two examples you gave above have nothing to do with people abusing you and your reactions were wrong. Be careful how you handle things or you'll get a bad reputation and your situation at work will suffer.

aston

Praise the good lord

Ickle Magoo

aston banned for a week - there is zero tolerance for muppetry in this forum and there had already been a clear warning that the rules should be adhered to already given.

mikemac1

teednab-el wrote: »

Another girl at work asked me one day why I have loads of holidays and why the hell i wasn't using them. I said "what business is it of yours, look after your own days".

Was it the boss?
Employers have to manage annual leave and can't have staff working years and years without taking holidays.
And if you work in areas like financial services it's a requirement to take two straight weeks off. So you're not hiding and fiddling numbers every day and it can be discovered

So either answer her question

Or be witty, "my holidays are for sale, interested in buying some"

You describe your responses as cheeky and sizzling. They're realy not, head over to After Hours to sharpen your wit

peter barrins

This post has been deleted.

Neyite

sizzling response? I dont think so.

I think you come across as quite rude and overly touchy actually. There is a level of professionalism that's expected in the workplace and being snide, rude or cheeky is not doing you any favours. Even if they are like that, does not mean you have to be.

You are showing you are intolerant of the remarks of others and get annoyed quite easily at what others say and certainly with an attitude towards your colleagues such as you describe here, not promotable, or may not be considered for projects which involve responsibility or team work.

Nobody is changing you - only you can change you. Dont confuse assertiveness with rudeness.
"Is there any particular reason why you asked about my annual leave?" - Assertive.
"What business of yours is it -look after your own days why dont you? " - Rude.

gmac102

your coming across as rude

you can stand up for yourself without being rude

learn what the balance is, totally agree with above two posters

blatantrereg

It comes down to respect for boundaries.

Accepting bad treatment from others erodes your mental boundary of what is ok and not ok: So you are quicker to ignore the same boundary in your response. These things have a way of bouncing back and forth between accepting inappropriate treatment and acting inappropriately yourself.

It's all about deciding what the boundary is and respecting that - both in what you accept and in how you behave towards others.

Otherwise you just end up turning into one of the people you dislike.

Nyan Cat

Best rule if thumb is to treat others how you would like to be treated. That doesnt mean being a walkover but take the coworker who asked about your hiolidays. If you asked her this question - think beyond "thats not appropriate"-
Would you prefer she said "get your nose out of my damn business"
Or "im just saving them up"
even "i have plans" or "well maybe i like work too much to stay away ha!"
How you react is up to you - best advice i ever got for this type of thing

going un-reg

OP, I think that the transition of taking shi* from people, and then standing up for yourself happened too radically. I think it was more of a case that you snapped, less gradually learn how to deal with people who are more domineering in a conversational context.

I'm very like you, I'm quite easy going and will often take shi* from people to avoid confrontation. However, when I've stood up for myself, it's been a direct reaction to the situation, causing me to over react.

Like the others have said, think about how you'd like to be talked to, and use that mentality when responding to people. Answer whatever questions they ask you honestly. I find when you get someone to question why they are saying something to you, it often weakens their abrupt approach, or at least dispels it a bit.

It's just about finding a happy medium, and not merely opting for the most jabbing response.

Good luck