Sibling issue

Liveen

I have a sister, lives at home, in her 30s, refuses to contribute financially to household or pay bills, lives off pensioner parent and the rest of us whilst watching her bank balance grow. We don't want to kick her out - any legal way to make her pay her way?

Squiggler

How is she living off the rest of you? You can't make her leave and if your pensioner parent won't tell her to pay up or get out then there isn't much you can do.

If I was in your shoes and didn't want to be part of the situation I'd move out.

Liveen

Living off the rest of us as in we pay all the bills while she contributes nothing. If I move out, my parent will have to pay for everything and dumping that responsibility on someone just isn't an option. I couldn't do that

Squiggler

But the responsibility is your parent's. Your sister would not be like this if your parent didn't allow it. It's called enabling.

It is very nice of you not to want to leave your parent stuck, but if you decide you are going to stay, knowing that there is nothing you can do about the situation, then you will have to accept that you are helping to support this sibling and that it is your choice.

I've had a similar issue with my younger siblings. While I worked summers and weekends from the age of 16 and paid my share they never contributed and in later years even came home with husbands/wives and children to sponge off my parents when real life got a bit tough. But my parents let them... they didn't have to. There is no point in my resenting it, they'd let me walk all over them like that too if I was so inclined. Their choice.

Not easy to come to terms with, but if you don't approve then don't contribute....

Beruthiel

Liveen wrote: »

We don't want to kick her out - any legal way to make her pay her way?

What has your parent done about it?
I mean, surely the first course of action is for the parent to insist on a contribution to the household?

Liveen

My parent is a big softie. He hasn't wanted to rock the boat for any of us since our mother died many years ago. So it's hard for him to take a stand against any of us.
I know he's enabling her ways. Just hoping against hope there was some law I could throw at her, because that's something she'd believe

Daisy M

You cant control your dad or your sister and I doubt there is any law that you can use to stop her. I suppose you could go down the road of making things hard for her, hiding food and all other necessities, cutting off her free supply to amenities but it would not be a nice enviroment to live in. Is there someone you could ask to mediate local public health nurse, priest or someone who may shame her into contributing?

Mighty_Mouse

Not sure I understand the situaiton?
Do both you & your sister live at home?

3 people sp you pay 1/3 of the bills?

It's your fathers prerogative if he chooses to chase your sister for her share.

Taltos

While I agree this is your father's responsibility there is nothing to stop you ribbing your sister on being a sponger - not very mature granted but the odd dig here or there may sink it. However - it could well and truly upset your father...

It is his choice to give her a free ride - don't let his decision control your choice to move out - if that is what you want then do it - hopefully this will shake things up enough... You could also use this as an ice breaker next time you are sitting together - "Hey - I am getting my own place so you two will now need to discuss on how to split the bills two ways or to get in a lodger" - then exit stage left and let them figure it out...

daisybelle2008

Liveen wrote: »

I know he's enabling her ways. Just hoping against hope there was some law I could throw at her, because that's something she'd believe

If you don't like it you can move out of your Fathers house. It is his house, his rules. It is not your problem. Only pay a 1/3 of the bills instead of a 1/2 if you want to 'make a stand'. Mind your own business about your sisters contribution, it is nothing to do with you.

Too be honest you should be grateful that your father is so tolerate of any adult children staying in his home and put up and shut up.

He sounds like a sensitive sort, you talking of involving the law and trying to get her kicked out will greatly upset him.

Liveen

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Too be honest you should be grateful that your father is so tolerate of any adult children staying in his home and put up and shut up.

I'm not sure I like your tone, but to explain more clearly: we all want our sister to pay her way, including my father. He just doesn't want to rock the boat with her but instead confides in me that he wants a remedy to the situation. So I am stuck in the middle. Hence my posting here in order to get some other opinions, advice if any, etc.

daisybelle2008

Liveen wrote: »

I'm not sure I like your tone, but to explain more clearly: we all want our sister to pay her way, including my father. He just doesn't want to rock the boat with her but instead confides in me that he wants a remedy to the situation. So I am stuck in the middle. Hence my posting here in order to get some other opinions, advice if any, etc.

Have you tried asking her to contribute?
Ultimately though it is your father that needs to tell her directly that it is not acceptable.

Next time he confides in you, press upon him that he should be taking this up directly with her if he has a problem with it, not you, as you are paying your way.

saa

Draw up a budget with all of the expenses and split them three ways, you can either discuss it without making her a target or leave it on the fridge with bill due and three boxes then when the bill comes in write the 1/3 of the amount beside the box, it should be explained to her that the way the bills/shopping has been handled for all three of us has been very disorganised so a budget is being put in place. if she doesn't want to pay her share then she can live somewhere else which won't be cheaper.

Your Dad doesn't want to rock the boat but once the expenses are shared there should be no tension, and I know it shouldn't be your responsibility but if you try and sort this out and it doesn't work he will have to sort it out or else things will stay the same.

As for a law there isn't one exactly but if you were to involve solicitors it would be expected that you would have already tried to resolve this issue yourself or a mediator.

LegacyUser

Don't take this message the wrong way as I do not know you and your family. I am a sister that does not contribute financially to the household. I live with my father (widowed) and 3 brothers. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, washing and even ironing. Not one of my brothers and father dared or ever asked me for a cent nor should they as they never lifted a finger around the house since mam died. My housework and cooking for them for x amount of years is my contribution. If your sister is doing all the cooking and cleaning for you and your father than I would ask you...........why should she? She is contributing already but in a different capacity.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Don't take this message the wrong way as I do not know you and your family. I am a sister that does not contribute financially to the household. I live with my father (widowed) and 3 brothers. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, washing and even ironing. Not one of my brothers and father dared or ever asked me for a cent nor should they as they never lifted a finger around the house since mam died. My housework and cooking for them for x amount of years is my contribution. If your sister is doing all the cooking and cleaning for you and your father than I would ask you...........why should she? She is contributing already but in a different capacity.

I don't think that scenario is very good for any of you: it keeps you stuck in a psuedo mother role, possibly feeling that you shouldn't move out as you are looking after your Dad and brothers - and it means that they are not going to learn how to look after themselves. So the 5 of you are stuck in a rut. Tbh I'd say the same if there was a household where the mother was doing every aspect of the housework, and no-one else lifting a finger. I'd hate to be the woman who ended up with any of your brothers! That's not meant as a critcal comment about your family, just that I really feel that guys who have never lifted a finger at home have vastly unrealistic expectations about a relationship outside the 1950s.

Back on topic: I think the suggestion about making a budget and sticking it on the fridge is a good one. And I definitely wouldn't pay any more than 1/3 of the expenses OP. I'm sorry but your sibling sounds like a freeloader who has never been pulled up on her behaviour. Obviouly you Dad is being nice and doesn't want to kick her out, but she needs a dose of reality - not to mention a lesson in manners and consideration!