Daughter not coming back home tonight

merlie

My daughter who ls at college is dating one of her fellow classmates. He is a nice guy. I have met him. They have gone to the cinema, shopping etc. the usual stuff. She has met his mum a few times, also his sister, and brother. She looks younger than her 22 years. This is her first relationship.

Tonight, however, out of the blue I get a text message from her, asking me would I mind her staying over at his house as he is sick from a take away he had. I was in a bit of a shock since this was unexpected! I rang her, she told me that he was sick and that it might be food poisoning! His mum, who recently was in hospital, asleep on the sofa. I asked my daughter where was she going to sleep, and she told me in his mums room! She has a single bed in the room. I said but what she gets up in the middle of the night and wants to sleep in her bed?! To which my daughter replied 'its ok' She told me that I can trust him and more importantly I can trust her, which I do. This was all so sudden tonight. He normally sees her home which is a walk and a luas away. Their house is about 30 mins from where we live. I cannot see why she could not come back home, as its not that far away but it is a bit of a walk from their house to the luas stop.

It all leaves me wondering is this all made up? I asked to speak with him for a bit but she told me he was in the bathroom and not feeling too good! I am in a bit of a shock. I just worry about her. I am not a parent who has their child by an apron string. I just want my daughter to be happy and such. But it all seemed weird tonight and planned.

What is your opinion on this. Oh and he is 19 and it is his first relationship too.

Thanks

John Doe1

22, she is an adult. If they have sex it is up to them.

Aisling(",)

It sounds like your daughter has been seeing this lad for a fair amount of time since she has met his family and feels comfortable in their home.It also sounds like he's a decent lad as he see's her home which sounds a bit out of his way.

She's 22 chances are she's already sleeping with him,she told you in advance that she won't be home which is being responsible on her side.I think its perfectly reasonable and that you've no real leg to stand on if you feel its not right.

banie01

Your daughter is 22, you should appreciate that she even bothered to ring you.
Ye obviously have good communication/relationship.
That said OP, She's 22!!!!
If her and the Boyfriend want to get physical its their choice, and given the fact that her Mam is posting on a message board insinuating its somehow wrong or dodgy...
I can see why it is that when he's over his illness(if indeed he is) that they aren't on the couch in your own house...

You said you don't hold her by apron strings, yet you've insinuated she's lying to you and had a night planned with her fella?
Do you not see the irony there?
Leave her live her life and be there when she needs you.
Part of being a Parent is teaching your kids to be independent, to make good decisions and deal with the consequences of both good and bad decisions.
Its time to step back and let her gain her own life experiences.

LegacyUser

snip snip with the apron strings I think.

She's 22, she should be staying out a few nights and is at least good enough to let you know where she is.

If you're worried about sex, say it to her. If it's concern as to her safety in that regard, ie, unwanted pregnancy/sti.

She needs her independence, but also to know that if she's still reliant on you for education and living arrangements, she needs to respect your house rules too.

However, being 22, she is very much an adult so it's a fine line.

Rest easy for tonight, at least you know where she is.

wylo

If she lives you with you she did the right thing to let you know she wont be coming home.

If she felt she had to lie to you at the age of 22 (thats if she DID lie to you) about staying with a fella, well then there is something wrong with yer relationship thats needs to be addressed.

The Lovely Muffin

To be quite honest with you OP, your daughter is 22 and independent adult.

She has every right to stay at her boyfriends house if it's what she wants to and it's also her choice to sleep with her boyfriend, if she wants to.

I am 20 and stay over at my boyfriends house regularly and never ever ring or text my mother to let her know I won't be home, she knows anyway that I won't be home. Sometimes I could be in his for one night, or for the weekend, it varies.

If my mother even considered asking me to ring/text her to get her permission to stay at my boyfriends house, to be honest, I'd tell her to back off and butt out.

It's mine and my boyfriends business if I stay at his and if we do or don't sleep together.

Your daughter text you to ask/let you know she wouldn't be home - that was responsible of her, she didn't have to.

She didn't even have to ask if she could stay at her boyfriends, whether or not he is sick.

It's none of your business what your daughter does, where she stays, or who she sleeps with, as long as she is safe.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter staying at her boyfriends house or sleeping with him, it might be a shock to you OP, but plenty of people your daughters age (and younger) stay over at their boyfriends homes and sleep with their boyfriends, there's nothing wrong with that, it's natural.

Maybe your daughter is lying to you or maybe she isn't, but honestly, if she is lying to you, I could understand why she is lying to you and she should have/need/want to lie to you, but if it's a case of your forcing her to come home at 22 years old when she wants to be with her boyfriend, then I can see why she is lying to you.

No adult or any age should feel they have to or need to lie to their parents so they can stay at their boyfriends house, as their parents shouldn't be so over involved in their adults children's lives, in my opinion.

If your daughter is lying to you - you need to ask yourself why she felt the need to lie to you.

I can understand your shock, if it is the first time this has happened, but really, it's your daughters own choice if she wants to stay over at her boyfriends house and sleep with him, it's no one else's business.

iguana

She's 22, she doesn't need your permission to stay out for the night. As long as she does you the curtsey of telling you when she plans to stay out so that you don't worry I'm not sure what the problem is.

Killed By Death

lol I'd say it is a made up story OP but not to worry. She's just trying to save your blushes! Just nod and smile and don't be giving her the 20 questions. Sure what does it matter?

She can hardly say; 'Look Ma I want to have rampant sex all night with me boyfriend'...!!

If she's 22 and in a relationship she'll be having sex. She's well old enough. Do something else to take your mind off it and stop worrying. She's happy!

neuro-praxis

I was married at 21...

face1990

Just out of curiosity OP, what is it you are worried about? That they'll be sleeping together?

If so, would you have forbidden her to stay there if she said she was sharing a bed with him? If not then there isn't any problem.
She may have lied. In fact she almost certainly lied. But as Killed By Death said, it was to spare your blushes.
Be glad that she's happy with her nice boyfriend.

(Also, my 300th post! Only took me 4 years :P )

calex71

I suspect that you might not approve if it was under your roof which is totally fine, your house your rules, your daughter seems like the responsible type in that she phoned to say she would to be home to save you fretting on that front.

If she is or will be sexually active be glad it's with someone nice and has a relationship with and not some drunken fumble or one night stand.

Seems like the problem here lies with you but your a well with in your rights to your views on sex if thats the issue and they should be respected absolutely but your daughter as said is an adult woman not a little girl. I know others have said that it says a lot about your relationship with her if she has to lie, but I don't buy that for the most part, I'd be more of the believe that she was just embarrassed telling you she was staying at his because of what it might imply, loads feel uneasy when it comes to their sex life and their parents

saa

It's a white lie, you do them two OP don't be hurt even though your child becoming more of an adult is always a struggle this is OK.

Let me just put it like this, when my Dad came round to my flat when I moved to college and asked why there was a guys boxers on the railing I said I was doing my boyfriends laundry because his house's washing machine broke down it was a lot easier than saying because we had sex and he left his dirty boxers here, as long as your daughter is using protection and he is not going to hurt her there is no need to worry. (:

qwertytlk

To be honest i would say it was made up. Or only partly the truth anyway. I dont think she is lying to deceive you but more so maybe that she is embarassed and doesnt know how to just say she is staying because she wants to spend the night with him. I think she is a little old for this but since its her first relationship and she doesnt have alot of experience with these situations, she is still a little shy abouit it all. Obviously you know your daughter better than anyone here so you would know more if this was all made up or not. Is she open and honest about sex etc and comfortable to discuss such things with you? If the answer is yes then perhaps she is telling the truth, but if its no, which i suspect,then as i already said, she is just embarassed and doesnt know how to be honest about it with you.
Dont worry about her, she souds like a sensible girl and if this is her first relationship at 22 then that shows that she was waiting for the right guy before she comitted to anyone and obviously thinks she has met him, so trust in her choices and decisions.
P.s i just re-read your post and it seems as if you kind of gave her a bit of a hard time over this-ringing her, asking 20 questions and wanting to speak to the boyfriend. I dont mean to insult you but was this not a bit much? If it were me, i would have really felt like you were trying to catch me out, or seriously checking up on me. And if thats how i felt, i would probably lie about such things too... Sorry but thats honestly how i feel. If this is her first time to stay at a boyfriends house then she was probably embarassed enough as it was, so i would try not to question her to much when she comes home tomorrow. Id say she feels awkward as hell as it is.

Big Bag of Chips

She's 22... time for you to move from adult/child relationship to adult/adult-child relationship

Yes, she is still your child, but she's an adult. She is changing. She is no longer 14.. she is becoming independent and that is completely natural and normal....

Now its time tor you to start dealing with that!

Edit, I moved in with my bf at 22, bought our house at 23, and got married at 25. And that's only 9 years ago! My mother wasn't happy, thought I was too young but she couldn't do anything to stop me!

LighterGuy

merlie wrote: »

....What is your opinion on this. Oh and he is 19 and it is his first relationship too.

Thanks

The story she said was a load of bull*hit man Anyone can see through it. But she is 22. She is a woman. Give her more freedom

But for what its worth. Sounds like you did a good job raising her. After all, its not like she is 16 and you're letting her do this & more importantly its not like she got pregnant at 16 (etc)
So pat yourself on the back and let her live her life.

Overheal

merlie wrote: »

I am not a parent who has their child by an apron string.

With kudos and respects, you basically just gave your 22yo daughter the 3rd degree about staying over at a younger lad's house.

Nothing wrong with giving her some autonomy, you know. Just like you learned to trust her cross the street on her own without getting run over by a car you will now have to learn to trust her to be sexually active without ending up pregnant or something.

I'm sure the story is made up OP but my question is why does she have to fabricate it? The only thing I can figure is that you do in fact, have the apron string on her, if she feels she owes you a cover story to spend the night at her boyfriend's house.

Not going to imagine it will be easy for you to do but you're going to have to learn to cope with her not being in constant contact with you, without you worrying that she is in some kind of trouble.

Graciefacey

I think the issue needs to be addressed of why your daughter seemed scared to tell you she was staying over. I'd almost guarantee that when she left your house to go over to his she knew she was staying but didnt know how to tell you. She's 22 and an adult, i'm a parent as well but sometimes you need to step back and see your child as an individual no matter how old they are. She's nearly certainly sleeping with him and its her own business if she is

amdublin

Completely made up story/White lie.

She's an adult now time to cut those apron strings and let her decide herself where she is going to sleep.

seamus

At 22 I had finished college, had a full-time job and lived on my own.

Since she lives at home, you are due a courtesy call to let you know that she won't be there tonight, but why, how or who's she with is none of your concern.

Daisy M

It sounds like you have a good girl there, you are lucky that she wasnt up to this years ago. Leave her alone with the questions about sleeping arrangements its over stepping the boundaries she is entitled to keep personal info to herself.
When she comes home today no questions accept she is an adult and move on and expect more of these calls in the future.
I too was married at 21.

solovely

The OP hasn't responded back at all, so starting to wonder was the whole post a wind up? Or are there still really mothers out there that controlling?

Your daughter is 22. Most 22 year olds have been living away from home for years, you would have no idea who or what she was up to. I was living with a boyfriend at her age. My mother knew obviously, and when he came down to stay at my parents, we didn't stay in the same room. But come on, when she is out of your house, how on earth do you think you have any right to control what she does? You should be happy she's got her own life and is happy and things going well for her.

And very happy that she had the decency to call you. Why she felt the need to lie and make up a story says a lot more about you than it does your daughter.

I know you've gotten a hard time on here, and maybe that's why you're not responding. People don't mean to be hard, but maybe it is time you read these posts and entered into the real world, and started accepting that your 22 year old daughter is an adult (and has been for a while) and has her own life.

solovely

solovely wrote: »

The OP hasn't responded back at all, so starting to wonder was the whole post a wind up? Or are there still really mothers out there that controlling?

take it easy please and don't accuse posters looking for advice of windups
if you have a problem with a post please report it
thanks

Miss Fluff

merlie wrote: »

I cannot see why she could not come back home, as its not that far away but it is a bit of a walk from their house to the luas stop.

Because she wants to spend the night with her boyfriend and have sex, this is what most couples in love do. And as often as possible.

I think your daughter sounds like a respectful and considerate young woman who did her best to spare your blushes by telling a white lie so you really shouldn't have turned around and interogated her like that. There really is no issue here. She is 22 and has a steady boyfriend and was curteous enough to let you know that she'd be staying over with him. I suggest you sit down and be open with one another so that you don't have to go through this whole rigmaroll again of her being forced to lie and you giving her twenty questions.

Beruthiel

merlie wrote: »

It all leaves me wondering is this all made up? I asked to speak with him for a bit but she told me he was in the bathroom and not feeling too good! I am in a bit of a shock. I just worry about her. I am not a parent who has their child by an apron string. I just want my daughter to be happy and such.

I am the mother of a 24 year old girl.
From the age of 4 I would answer any sexual questions she had.
By 14 she knew all STDs you could get. She knew about the pill and condoms which I offered to get her if she needed them.
I left a box of condoms in her room.
By 15/16 I got quite explicit with regards to all the sexual options you could try without penetration.
IE - I had her well educated because she has been with the same lad since she was 16 and I did not want her to become pregnant.
I was not naive enough to think they would not have sex.
Never once did I ask her if she was having sex with him. I had her educated and well equipped. It's all any parent can do.

Your daughter is 22 years of age.
Really OP, it is none of your business whither she is having sex or not.
She is a young, healthy woman, of course she is!
She has been a grown adult since she was 18 and she was good enough to let you know where she was.
Cut the apron strings asap or your relationship will suffer.
Thank her for letting you know where she was and that she was safe.
Do not question her as to what she was doing. Truly, it really is none of your business.
Eventually, you have to realise that your child is an adult. This is the time for you to start.
If you do, your relationship will be a good one.
Best of luck.

username123

She sounds like a nice girl who is responsible and caring enough to phone home to say she is staying over at her boyfriends.

Bad form of you to ask questions about where she would be sleeping, or to ask to speak to her bf - thats just inappropriate, sticking your nose in where its not appreciated or welcome. You pushed her into lying to you. If you were a little more open with her and respectful of her choices of an adult then maybe she would have been able to tell you the truth, as it is she covered with a white lie so as not to upset you. Leave it at that and dont be asking her awkward questions.

Jen Pigs Fly

I'm 21 and I've been sleeping in boyfriends houses since 17 or so. It's normal she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend.

She's an adult! She's older than me my parents know they can't stop me from staying over in boyfriend's houses' (and in a few cases boyfriends were older and had their own place) they knew that if they just allowed me to stay over I would text every so often letting them know things are ok, when I'll be home etc. If they didn't let me go I'd stay anyway and wouldn't tell them.

Would you rather know where your daughter is than her lieing to you and going over anyway?

whats_my_name

In fairness I think the OP is just concerned for her daughter. If she is living under the same roof as OP of course she has a right to know! I think you are just having a hard time accepting your little girl is grown up. As previously stated your daughter seems to be a good girl & she clearly has alot of respect towards you, you both obviously need to sit down & have a chat. Tell her you are very proud of the woman she has become, that you realise that at 22 she is no longer holding hands with her boyfriend and find out what precautions she is taking, im sure she is responsible but as her mother you still want to make sure your daughter is aware of all her options in regards to contraception. When you have accepted all of the above maybe you could even let her boyfriend stay over, show her that you trust her. Also to everyone saying that its none of your business what your daughter is doing, dont mind them. You have a right to know she is safe & who she is with but maybe just loosen up abit with her :-) its gonna take baby steps but you will have such a better relationship with your daughter in years to come for it! (

Sleepy

As what's my name mentioned, even though your daughter is an adult and should know it herself already, and it'll be an awkward conversation, make sure she knows all she needs to know about contraception. The highest rates of teenage pregnancy in the States are often found in the most socially conservative areas where the girls are so afraid of parental condemnation they simply risk sex without protection and given your reaction to this, and your daughter feeling the need to lie about why she's staying over, I'm guessing you've kept her quite sheltered?

curlzy

Hey OP,

She's 22. You interigated her and wanted to speak to her boyfriend? Jesus H Christ that is mortifying. Of course she's bloody sleeping with him for christ's sake! Did you really want her to say "I won't be home mam I'm going to be riding my fella for the next few hours"? It's none of your business, so just back off. If you continue on like this you'll become the worst kind of mother; judgemental, irritating, embarrasssing and completely unapproachable in a bad situation.

In case you missed it, here's the important part again: SHE'S 22!!!!!

Best of luck.

The Lovely Muffin

whats_my_name wrote: »

In fairness I think the OP is just concerned for her daughter

Of course she is concerned for her daughter, what parent wouldn't be.

However interrogating her ADULT DAUGHTER and asking to speak to her boyfriend is way, way out of line, in my opinion.

Her daughter is twenty two years old, a fully grown up and independent adult, there is absolutely NO NEED whatsoever for her mother to have interrogated her like that, it's rude, shows a lack of trust and is quite frankly, interfering. No mother should do that to ANY of their adult children, regardless of gender.

Her daughter shouldn't have to lied to her mother, but she obviously felt the need to lie, why was that OP? Why did your daughter feel the need to lie to you?

As your daughter she should be able to speak to you about ANYTHING and not feel she needs to lie to you, but she obviously feels she can't talk to you about this, you need to ask yourself why.

All you can do is educate your daughter on sex, STIs/STDs/pregnancy/contraception - you CANNOT interfere in her adult relationships or stop her from having sex - and if you try, you will push her further away from you and closer to her boyfriend, do you want that OP? Or would you prefer it knowing your daughter can come to you to talk about ANYTHING without feeling the need to lie/make up a cover story?

She had the decency to contact you and tell you she wouldn't be home, you should be happy with that.

You say you don't have her by an apron string, but yet she felt the need to contact you and ask if you'd mind if she stayed at her boyfriends house? And then you phoned her and interrogated and asked to speak to her boyfriend? That tells me that you DO in fact have your daughter by an apron string and twenty two years old that's isn't healthy for your and your daughters relationship, and it most certainly isn't fair on your daughter.

You need to step right back and let your daughter stay over at her boyfriends house, sleep with her boyfriend if it's what she wants and you need to cut out the interfering and interrogating, it's not fair on your daughter.

merlie

Hi OP here,

Many thanks for all the replies. Appreciate it.

I would like to point out that that I do trust my daughter, but I do not know if I can trust him. I do not know him or such or what these people are like. I mean as a parent who loves their daughter very much and wants her to be happy and be independant, I do not mind her staying over with her boyfriend if the stay over is planned and not accidently out of the blue. My daughter and I talk about just about everything.

When she gets home, I'm not going to say a thing about last night or ask her anything about it. I am just going to giver her a hug, tell her I love her and glad that shes home. and thats all I am going to do. It is up to her to tell me anything at all.

I do love her very much, she is my only child and I guess you do want your child strike that, I mean adult to be safe and happy. I would myself, have been alright about this if it had been a planned stay first time staying at his place and not something like this and from there on if it was out of the blue stay over, I would not have minded then.

Thanks again for your replies.

Big Bag of Chips

It may have been planned... you just didn't know about it until she wasn't coming home!

You do realise his mother probably wasn't there. They knew she was going to be away so they had it all planned, and then you get the call to say he's sick, and she's going to stay.

Squiggler

OP, don't as many here are suggesting, assume that she lied, or that she is having sex with this guy. She might be, but she might not too. I had similar conversations with my parents from the age of 18 until I moved out at 22. I wasn't sleeping with boyfriends. I'd watched friends make a mess of their lives and had made a decision (which I never discussed with my parents) that I wasn't going to have sex with anyone until I was mature enough to deal with any/all consequences. I found my Mum's insinutations quite offensive, even though I knew she was just concerned for me. Saying No really isn't that difficult.

In any case, she is 22 and these are decisions she needs to make for herself.

Hope it all goes well for you later.

Killed By Death

Well done OP, I think you've had a bit of a pasting here tbh.

I think if it's just you and your daughter at home and you are best friends that tell each other everything then that puts another spin on it.

I wouldn't get too hung up on her having to plan in advance staying over, it doesn't always work that way. When I was her age and hanging out at my boyfriends I would often 'end up' staying there without really planning it.

It's probably trickier for you though if you and your daughter have an established routine together and are more housemates than just Mother and Daughter. Perhaps look into asking over a friend now and again or getting out and doing a class or hit the cinema etc a bit more.

Look on this more as an opportunity to do new things rather than just an end to the old routine. I know it feels sad but it's just a different phase. Best of luck OP.

Logical Fallacy

merlie wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Many thanks for all the replies. Appreciate it.

I would like to point out that that I do trust my daughter, but I do not know if I can trust him. I do not know him or such or what these people are like. I mean as a parent who loves their daughter very much and wants her to be happy and be independant, I do not mind her staying over with her boyfriend if the stay over is planned and not accidently out of the blue. My daughter and I talk about just about everything.

When she gets home, I'm not going to say a thing about last night or ask her anything about it. I am just going to giver her a hug, tell her I love her and glad that shes home. and thats all I am going to do. It is up to her to tell me anything at all.

I do love her very much, she is my only child and I guess you do want your child strike that, I mean adult to be safe and happy. I would myself, have been alright about this if it had been a planned stay first time staying at his place and not something like this and from there on if it was out of the blue stay over, I would not have minded then.

Thanks again for your replies.

Hey OP, as you know yourself it's both of their first relationships, so there is going to be a lot of puppy love and surprise decisions that wouldn't have happened before.

Now the chap could have been sick, but even if he wasn't it's not that bad...i'd but any discomfort of your daughters at telling you she is staying over as nothing more than a bit of youthful inexperience. She is probably not too sure how you feel about the chap and if you are telling us that you don't trust him then she is probably picking up that same vibe as well.

The real issue here is what you don't trust him for...do you think he might attack your daughter or something? I don't get that impression...i think your just smart enough to realise that first relationships can often end with one or the other making a mistake, maybe upsetting the other person.

The thing is, you cannot protect your daughter from possible heartbreak. It will happen or it won't and all you can do is be a friend for her when she needs it.

LegacyUser

Op, she had respect to tell you she not coming home, i'm not a mum but i'm sure you're glad she didnt just not come home and then say oh sorry boyf was really sick had to look after him. tbh i'd say its white lie but she prob knows you know this anyway.

If she was living away from home (away at colllege etc) you wouldnt know if she stayed out at night or not..
Found this with my mam.. when i was at college, i could be out all night and say at 11pm , im away to bed (i.e. on bus to town)

Im living back at home at moment and when i stay at boyfriends (new so they dont know much about him yet) i just out of courtesy text to say i wont be home tonight. no questions asked.

LegacyUser

OP, people are making assumptions here, based on how they would handle things.

I think your daughter was great to ring you and let you know what was happening. From what you say about your relationship, I don't think she would feel any need to make up a lie like that and probably wouldn't be able to tell convincingly anyway. Why would you doubt her story? It's not unknown for people to get sick! And if he was sick, he wouldn't be able to see her home as he usually does so it makes sense for her to stay.

I hope you just accepted her home with a cheery 'how is he now, is he better? how did it go with his mum?' No need for a dramatic hug as if she been through something dangerous...

Miss Fluff

merlie wrote: »

I would like to point out that that I do trust my daughter, but I do not know if I can trust him.

I think that's a natural enough concern. However while you don't know if you can trust him, you are going to have to place your trust in your daughter's judgement.

Beruthiel

merlie wrote: »

I would like to point out that that I do trust my daughter, but I do not know if I can trust him.

If you trust your daughter, then you must also trust her judgement.
Also, remember, we only ever learn our life lessons by making mistakes.

As a parent, you want to do everything possible to protect your child.
You cannot of course, so the next best thing is to equip them as well as you can.

I do not mind her staying over with her boyfriend if the stay over is planned and not accidently out of the blue.

Spontaneity is what young, free and single adults do though and you must prepare yourself for the fact that your daughter will make last minute plans on all sorts of things.
Do not ask her to plan every move she makes in advance, that can be stifling.
You sound like a great Mam btw.

Katgurl

Your daughter phoned to say she would not be home.

I don't think you should have asked about the sleeping arrangements and you definitely should not have asked to speak to him.

I'm sure you and your daughter have a lovely close relationship but please don't make mistake of allow that stifle her or worse cause her guilt for advancing things with her boyfriend.

I know you want the best for her but she is entitled to her own adult life, that involves making decisions for herself and having some privacy. You do not get access all areas it's really up to her if she wants to confide in you.

She's 22. Things have to change between the two of you ie you are now two adults but that doesn't mean you can't still have a close relationship.

merlie

Thanks again for all your replies, Again very much appreciated.

Update


I just received a text message from the guy, he said 'Hi, sorry for steaing (her name) away from you'

I did reply ' that he didnt steal her away, she is her own person and old enough to do what she wants to do. I just worry its a mum thing.

That is it. I do not know if she will be home tonight either but I am letting it all go. All I need to know is that she is ok and safe and thats it.

tatabubbly

Well in my eyes, its fantastic for him to even text you!!

I'm 23 and I've lived with my boyfriend since I was 21. It's his first relationship. My advice, trust her to know that she is doing the right thing.

I know you don't want to hear this but its time to let her go and cut those irish mammy strings! I understand she's your only child but you have to let her enjoy her freedom, because if you dont, she may think your overbearing and push away more!!!

hope you understand, best of luck!!

Miss Fluff

merlie wrote: »

I just received a text message from the guy, he said 'Hi, sorry for steaing (her name) away from you'

Ah Merlie I think that is really very sweet. They obviously are both trying to consider your feelings as much as possible and avoid any perceived conflict. What a brave boy to text you! And a good response from you too

Killed By Death

Him texting you shows that they both care what you think and that's a good thing I think.

Your reply was good too OP.

amdublin

She's okay and she's safe. You've raises her well and now it's time to trust and let her go make her own choices. Which you just have to hope that because of her good upbringing she will make wise ones.

And sleeping with her boyfriend (IF she is) is not neccesarily unwise - you might not agree with it, but this does not make it wrong.

Good luck on the path to a different relationship with your adult daughter.

qwertytlk

merlie wrote: »

Thanks again for all your replies, Again very much appreciated.

Update


I just received a text message from the guy, he said 'Hi, sorry for steaing (her name) away from you'

I did reply ' that he didnt steal her away, she is her own person and old enough to do what she wants to do. I just worry its a mum thing.

That is it. I do not know if she will be home tonight either but I am letting it all go. All I need to know is that she is ok and safe and thats it.

hi again merlie, just wanted to say fair play to you. I unserstand where your coming from in a way as my mam is like this. Im 25 and am living away from home since im 16/17(and also have a fiance and child) and she still worries about me. Only last weekend i was going into town for the night with friends when i happend to get a call from her. She was just ringing to say hi and when she heard i was going out for the night she just said the usual 'ok well be safe and if you remember, just text me when you get home so i know you got back ok'
i suppose some may see it as over protective but then again she, like you, has her reasons for being this way.
Anyway im glad you have decided to leave her to it if she wants to stay with him overnight. And im sure when she gets more comfortable with the situation herself, she will probably have a more open chat with you about it.
Also, its nice that he text you the next day. It shows a level of maturity and understanding that frankly, most 19 year old lads dont have. So be happy she has gotten one of the decent ones;)
good luck:)

username123

merlie wrote: »

Thanks again for all your replies, Again very much appreciated.

Update


I just received a text message from the guy, he said 'Hi, sorry for steaing (her name) away from you'

I did reply ' that he didnt steal her away, she is her own person and old enough to do what she wants to do. I just worry its a mum thing.

That is it. I do not know if she will be home tonight either but I am letting it all go. All I need to know is that she is ok and safe and thats it.

Merlie, you sound lovely - despite me giving out before and saying you shouldnt be asking her questions, you are entitled to have concerns of course and most importantly you know when to back off.

That he is texting you is sweet. That you are here asking for advice and giving an update is sweet.

Best of luck to you and your daughter both, a nice mam and a nice daughter and by the sounds of it, a nice boyfriend for her!

missbelle

Just echoing what username123 ahead of me said, she's a lucky girl he sounds like a nice, genuine boy and you two are obviously very close.
It's tough for a mother to see her daughter transition into an adult, and let her live her life, but your girl sounds like she never gives you reason to worry about her.

My mam finds it hard to let me be independent like that, but as I've explained to her, I'm a sensible girl but I also need to find my own path in life and learn from my mistakes - at least I know she is there for me (worrying in the background!)

amtc

You might find this strange - I live on my own and I'm 38 but if I'm not going to be home I'll text my mother. Mother never asks where I am or what I am doing and has often said to me if I wanted to head off for six months and pick up at the end no problem. The reason to text is because she normally stays up until I call home, and I want her to get her sleep.

My dad is the opposite, if I don't call by 10am every day he nearly has a search party out for me. (Hence my mum has my keys not my dad). Came to ridiculous recently when a male platonic friend stayed over (in the spare room) and when I hadn't called home by 10am my dad came up in the car. The way my house is arranged you can see all the way through and my friend was making tea and called to me (I was upstairs) to say that there was a strange man (i.e. my dad) looking through the window. My friend nearly had a heart attack and I felt at 38 it was stupid to be hiding a 41 year old man away!

This culminated in me telling my mum to tell my dad to back off (and I did too).

Years ago I'd head out all night - no problem, and when I was living at home, I could be away for a few days. God knows the amount of excuses we made up. I happened to mention to my mother a party I'd been to when I was in my 20s only last Sunday, which I'd never told her about, and we were able to laugh about the excuses I'd made up.

In my case I think this could be a function of me being an only child. My best friends thinks it's hysterical as he calls homw once a week.

So listen, trust your daughter. We all did it. And the guy sounds nice.

lace

Hi OP!

Just wanted to say fair play to both you and your daughter! The whole situation seems to have been handled very well on both sides.

I know what it's like to be the only child and a girl and I know that Mammys are always only trying to look out for and to the best by their daughters.