I Cannot Cry

Sindri

I have lost my best friend for over 12 years. I was there when he was euthanised. He keeled over within seconds and was dead. I feel dead. I feel empty and I feel melancholic. Everything to do with his death and his lie I regret. I am like a liquid puddle and everything feels and seems like it hits me and I just, like liquid, am displaced but feel nothing.

I loved him so so much. he was my best friend. I gave him attention and affection everyday, I looked after him, he was part of me. I feel abased and desolate yet I cannot cry. I think of him buried under the cold hard ground.

I get so close to welling up but then the emotions dissipate and I feel nothing or slightly happy, it disgusts me. Almost manic. I loved him and he was everything to me.

But I cannot cry. I think of the misery he was in, the mental anguish, he was an exhausted spirit. He had perked up a bit but he would never be able to urinate or defecate again and he would be paralysed. Never able to feel his legs even if we had his hips relocated.

But I cannot cry, I want to and I need to but I cannot. I don't why. I don't want to get over, I want to remember him forever.

But I cannot cry and all my anguish and tears dissipate when I nearly get there.


Even writing this I feel very little other than my upset stomach that is in convulsions and a flat depressed, lethargic misery. I want to cry. I want to feel terribly depressed and disconsolate, I feel nihilistic and aggrieved. But I can't and that makes me feel even worse.

But I cannot embrace my despair. I try and try but I just can't. I want to mourn him, but I can't.

bronte

Sindri, I saw your other post in AH and I just want to say I am so, so sorry.
You are going through a horrible loss. This is your buddy you've had to say goodbye to. I know how much it hurts. You may not be able to cry right now, but perhaps it will come in time. Sometimes I think we afford our animal friends a better and more peaceful way out of this world than we do our human ones. Please know your pet was loved and trust that in time you will make peace with this loss.

Thinking of you.

hamsterboy

I'm truly sorry. Google "Rainbow Bridge"

Deki

That makes me cry every time I read it. Crying is a release sometimes, but sometimes we have to wait for it. Tears come when we least expect them.

MsAllybear

Hi Op,
sorry for your loss, you're probably having delayed reaction, it will come, it may take a while but it will in some form, maybe you'll have not a great day in work , may not be that bad but the tears will come in this form etc..

Hugs to you, losing a pet is awful!!

Cedrus

It's nearly six years since I was in your place and I still cry sometimes when I think of our fella. I couldn't cry then because my partner was crying for three of us and needed me not to. I'm the one who goes in to 'that' room at the vets and it tears me still. Some people understand our bond with our best friends and support us in our suffering, but others cannot comprehend us fussing about a "mere dog".

BUT, we have two birthdays in the next fortnight, our 'new' puppies will be five years old, and they cuddle in to us when we are upset just like the old fella used to do.

Cedrus

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie --
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find -- it's your own affair --
But . . . you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit hat answered your every mood
Is gone -- wherever it goes -- for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept'em, the more do we grieve;

For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long --
So why in -- Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

Ickle Magoo

I'm so sorry for your loss. We can be closer to our pets than our families and it's only been a day Sindri - give yourself time to get over the shock and start grieving, it'll all happen at it's own pace.

Just look after yourself, eat and sleep well if you can and give yourself time to process all the roller-coaster of emotions you are feeling.

All the very best.

Izymunz

This is a stage that I have gone through .
At once stage in my life I felt exactly like this at this is what I did.....
There is no point in running away from those thoughts but there is no
point in submerging yourself in them either.. please dwell on this.
The thing i ask of you is not to forget your buddy at all
in fact holding a close place in your heart is integral instead however
I need you to start associating other thoughts like more of the thoughts
you would have felt before... again the true meaning of what i am saying
will come from the individual.
I could tell you to thing happy thoughts but i do not think that is right
and frankly i think you will agree.
So please do take the time out to think about this message please because
sometimes emotions get the better of us and engulf our lives therefore please
take the time out .
Thanks ,
Isla
( p.s. feel free to contact me)

Ickle Magoo

Izymunz, as per the forum charter - please do not ask posters to get into private consul with you.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.