Why am I such a loser???!

LegacyUser

Guess I just need to vent. This is a girl im really close with for the past three years. Truth be told I fancied her straight away when I first met her. We are extremely close and spend alot of time together. Ive ben to her home house several times and her to mine and I have even ben on family holidays with her and her family. I get on really well with them all and both of us are doing a masters courses.

I have fallen big time for her and im pretty sure she knows this. Unfortunately she has started seeing some guy, who treats her badly and has a reputation for being a serious cheater, and has done so already. It kills me so much to know im not good enough for her. I guess I made a stupid mistake of spoiling her. Id bring her out to expensive restuarants at least once a month since we met, pay for most things for her, edit her essays and even write some of her college stuff. There are very few things I dont do for her, she calls me two or three times a day every day. Its like were in a relationship without the physical aspect.

She is a very volatile person so I always think carefully what I say to her. She doesnt care what people think of her and can snap for no reason, guess thats why she has so few friends. I just feel no matter what I do, its never enough. Its not a nice feeling not been good enough for someone. I have ben told i am an attractive cute guy and i am fairly confident person. I have no problem scoring girls on nights out and I have had a few friends tell me they have feelings for me. its rare that I would go out and not score, the only problem with them is that they are not the girl i want and i never give them a chance because of that.

Not sure what i hope to gain by posting this. Im just really down in myself because of her. She shows very little attention for all i do for her. It was her 23rd birthday yesterday and I organised a surprise party for her and had all her friends over, had a cake, decorations etc. Spend a total of €300 on 2 presents for her and all i got was a bare thank you. Her boyfriend didnt even get her anything!! It just makes me sad that she doesnt appreciate the effort i go to make her happy, she knows i would do anything for her.

Sorry that the post is so long and thanks for taking the time to read it. Please dont suggest stop being friends with her because I would not be able to do that. I do love the time we spend together and when we chat, we do have a good laugh and enjoy each others company,

daisybelle2008

Well bottom line is she is not interested in you romantically and that clear.
Ask yourself if you didn't spend all that money on her, do all that stuff and be yourself around her would she still be your friend?

It is not a real friendship either as you are spending a fortune trying to buy her affection and attention. You are frustrated that she is not grateful and you are not yourself around her as you say you have to be careful what you say around her.

People are going to say she is using you etc. but clearly you are using her too and you have an agenda. Only your investment is not paying off and you are p*ssed off about that.

It does not sound like a great friendship, especially as you are frustrated that you are not having a physical relationship with her despite all you are doing.

If you want to move on and have a fulfilling relationship with someone, then move away from this situation. You are not going to buy her love ever. She knows that is what you are doing and it is never going to be attractive to her, although she will enjoy this charade as long as you are willing to keep it up.

Either accept that or continue with this, it will blow up eventually. You are not a victim here you are a volunteer.

deman

You sound just like a friend of mine who thinks that spending huge amounts of money on a girl will win affection. He's 43 years old now and alone and hasn't learned a thing. You need to change quick. Take a break from her. It doesn't matter about how crazy you are about her, you need to make distance between you and her. Don't call her, don't answer her calls. Make yourself busy with other things. In time, she may see what she's lost and needed. If see doesn't come running for you, get on with your life and stop wasting it.

mikemac1

Take a break OP, go explore new ways to spend your time and maybe set up dates with these other people
Just don't contact her

In a few weeks if she wants to meet up and is genuine about it then you have a friend
If she doesn't bother, well you've not lost anything

You don't have a friend and potential lover here, just a pretty bad friend at best

Roisy7

Cut her out. I know it sounds harsh, but she's not a friend and she won't be your girlfriend. It's not like the movies where she'll dump her jerk of a boyfriend and fall for you. She may not be "using" you per say but the effect is the same.

The fact that you say she's volatile and doesn't have many friends of her speaks volumes to me. She clearly has problems of her own and she doesn't know how to treat people. She's probably enjoying the attention you're giving her and is taking you for granted.

Like another poster said, cut contact for a while. I would say, a week, two weeks. Don't text her, call her or go on any social networks. Let her come to you. I have a sinking feeling she won't.

You will probably feel **** for a while but you may be surprised to see how liberating it is to cut such a toxic relationship off. It's freeing to be without drama.

You sound like a genuine, generous guy. You deserve better than this "friendship" and I hope you find a worthy girl soon

Miss Fluff

I guess I made a stupid mistake of spoiling her. Id bring her out to expensive restuarants at least once a month since we met, pay for most things for her, edit her essays and even write some of her college stuff. There are very few things I dont do for her

I just feel no matter what I do, its never enough.

She shows very little attention for all i do for her. It was her 23rd birthday yesterday and I organised a surprise party for her and had all her friends over, had a cake, decorations etc. Spend a total of €300 on 2 presents for her and all i got was a bare thank you.

You're friendship is totally imbalanced. You are a doormat and she takes advantage of that. I wouldn't really blame her either necessarily because it's human nature to do that to a certain extent. You however are trying to buy her affection and that's never going to win her heart. In fact I bet she doesn't really respect you because of it, I personally would find your behaviour a little stifling and slightly strange.

Pull back. I get that you like this girl but if you are serious about trying to make her fall for you then I'd stop with the crazy and smothering behaviour. You're currently her lapdog and no woman wants a man like that. Continue to hang out and be a friend but rather than waiting in the wings wagging your tail in the hope she'll throw you some scraps why don't you get on with things and give up the pseudo-boyfriend behaviour.

Real Clare Man

Ignore all previous advice......you say she is pretty sure that she knows you like her.....forget all the assumptions and just tell her straight out that you like her and would like to see if a relationship was possible (at least then she will definately know). It is possible she likes you and sees you getting different girls and might be thinking you have no interest in her.

blatantrereg

Imagine the situation was reversed.

How would you feel about someone who kept putting themselves out for you without thanks or acknowledgement? Who let you snap at them for little or no reason?

I dont think you would accept such a situation. You would either appreciate it or reject it I reckon. Because you would know it wasn't on. There's no difference here. It's not on.

But if you did accept it, you would feel contempt more than anything for the other person.

Killed By Death

OP. You can see your strategy is not working for you so I'd suggest you save your time, money and dignity.

To put it bluntly if you make a doormat of yourself people will wipe their feet on you. Don't expect to be treated fairly all of a sudden by this girl who has shown by her track record so far that:

1. she is happy to use you for whatever you give
2. she is not in the slightest bit grateful
3. she is high maintenance and up herself
4. she cares nothing for you except as a convenience

etc etc I could go on.


So what do you think is going to happen here? Do you think she is going to change? Do you think she will suddenly feel shame? Do you think she will dump bad boy and suddenly realise you're "the one" like in a sappy Romcom?


Good luck with that OP, because it's not going to happen. You can keep on deluding yourself and stay in denial or you can get real and change yourself. You can't change her.


By the way you can't ever turn around and feel bitter and short changed later when this doesn't go your way. YOU have put yourself in this situation. You are letting her punish you and this is your fault. There will always be opportunistic users out there, it's up to each one of us to protect ourselves. No-one else is going to do it for us.


I know this post probably seems harsh but it's nothing you don't know yourself deep down anyway.

Logical Fallacy

OP, you need to ask yourself a pretty tough question...were you doing all this stuff for your friend because you hoped she would fall in love with you? I expect so.

That's not the reason you do stuff for your friends.

She is not that interested in you as anything other than a friend, and while i don't know the lass at all I'll go out on a limb and say she won't turn around after 3 years and suddenly decide she loves you. That kind of stuff happens in the movies, not real life.

You also seem to have some mild resentment about her treatment of you...you've tried to buy her love and failed, you missed the chance to tell her how you feel without making an ass of yourself and...to be honest...even if she did end up going out with you it sounds like a nightmare from a soap opera. You have described her as volatile, that she tends to snap, implied a degree of poor social skills and have basically said that you yourself have been doing everything she wants when she wants it done.

That's not a basis for a relationship.

Do you think boning this girl is going to change you both or something...because it seems that is what you are hoping for.

Move on I reckon, nothing for you here but total disaster.

Humria

The only thing you can control in this situation is your own behaviour. Is what you are doing now giving you the results you want? From your post it doesn't look like it.

You have some options here. I can see three main ones. You want this girl but can't have her at the moment. So you either:

1.) Keeping doing what you are doing and hope something changes

2.) Change the rules of the friendship. As Miss Fluff said, it is totally imbalanced at the moment. You can stop doing everything for her, stop being so available to her and don't except snappy behaviour on her part. This could lead her to respect you a bit more and see your true value.

3.) You could cut your losses, try get over her and find someone who actually appreciates you

Defiler Of The Coffin

You're being cleaned out. You're being taken for a fool. I don't see how you could have any sort of normal relationship with this girl. Forget about her and work out why you're prepared to accept such shabby treatment from anyone. She's not going to change. Why would she? She has the best of both worlds. Move on.

karaokeman

OP I strongly advise you listen to the advice most of this thread has given telling you;

1) the girl is using you

2) you are being made a fool of

You need to stop trying to buy her affection, it won't work and if she knows you fancy her she will know that this is your intention. She is mocking you, that is not attractive.

I know there's nothing worse than the old "unfriend her" or "get her out of your life" phrase but you really need to ask yourself why you are being given that advice to appreciate it.

For starters you won't look an eejit any longer, second it will leave the ball in her court should she want to contact you again, and if she's a true friend she will do that.

Try and learn from the mistake of spending a fortune on her birthday presents, DO NOT DO IT AGAIN. If you remain friends, at least treat her as you would any other friend, not a potential lover.

And leave her boyfriend out of it all, girls can't help who they fall in love with. Try not to interfere with them, ignore their relationship, don't look at anything he posts her on facebook, don't follow their love life etc.

And I know you don't believe you will find another woman but you will, keep a strong social life with the rest of your friends. There's plenty more fish in the sea and you will meet a woman you will love more and whom she will share your feelings.

nowyouresix

OP: you are not a loser, you just have made someone a priority, someone who sees you as an option. Step back. If she comes looking for you, explain your feelings to her. Plain and simple! Seeing as though she's involved with someone else, I'm guessing when that breaks up, she'll realise what she has missed out on, and seek comfort in you. But do you like her enough to forgive her for the way she's been?
Good luck!

James W

Real Clare Man wrote: »

Ignore all previous advice......you say she is pretty sure that she knows you like her.....forget all the assumptions and just tell her straight out that you like her and would like to see if a relationship was possible (at least then she will definately know). It is possible she likes you and sees you getting different girls and might be thinking you have no interest in her.

I think this advice should be ignored!

Stop giving more to this girl that you are receiving. If you are happy to give freely, then don't complain when it is not returned - it is your choice to be generous.

It's not really for you to decide whether someone is good enough for this girl or not - you sound a little possessive and controlling. Back off, leave her alone, let her make her own decisions and let her learn from them. You're not her Father or her guardian angel!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been in your situation, and looking back I now realise....

You cant change people.

Just because you are ice to someone does not mean they will reciprocate.

i have insulted my parents and anyone who cares about me, by allowing myself to be treated in this way.

i have missed out in a lot of opportunities.

This girl is probably messing with your head too.

Would you let your best friend be treated like this by a girl?

You know deep down what you have to do.

qwertytlk

I have to say i agree with most of the adivce already been given. So i wont repeat it. Only just to say that girls usually dont go for guys like this. Why do you think so many of us go for 'bad boys'? Im not telling you to go out and start being an asshole to women but i do believe thete is a happy medium between your current behaviour and the bad boy behaviour. Also you say your not sure why you wrote the thread, well is it possible that deep down you know the score and know the the 'relationship' is going nowhere fast and you just needed confirmation...and maybe a kick up the arse??? Stop what your doing and if you dont feel that you can walk away from her completley, then can i suggest you even just stop spending money on this girl and doing things her boyfriend should be doing. So dont bring her to expensive restraunts, dont giver her money, dont buy her things or spend ridiculous amounts of money on her etc etc. Treat her like you would any other male or female friend, and just see where it goes then because to be honest i have a feeling when you stop spoiling her and letting her use you that she will back away from this so called friendship big time. If that happens then this should be the ultimate deal breaker for you-if she doesnt want to be your friend on normal friend terms then she clearly never was. But if im wrong and she still contacts you as much as ever then maybe you should just tell her how you feel. But i would be shocked if that was the outcome of the little test i suggestrd. Best of luck either way. Oh btw, i wouldnt be friends with anyone who i had to tip toe around and think before i said anything in case they got upset or snapped at me. If someone treated me like that id know they werent my real friend anyway and i would tell them where to go in an instant.