Best Man - Question?

GetInTheHole!

We are about to announce our engagement but I have a potential problem in relation to choosing the best man.

I had evisaged asking my two best friends since childhood to be best man / grooms man - end of story - no problem.

But now that I have done some thinking about it - I do not want to insult my older brother by not asking him for either role.

So my question is..
Would it be wrong (perceived or otherwise) not to ask your only brother to be best man / grooms man?

For info - my brother is a good bit older than me and we do not really socialise together.
Also before it is suggested - having him and my two friends i.e. 3 roles is not an option.

Thanks

Wishbone Ash

Possible solution is to have a best man only (your brother) and no groom's man. That way neither friend will feel left out and people generally accept that family members take preference.

basillarkin

If it was me, I would go with the brother option, I was best man for my brother last summer and I don't really socialize with him a whole lot either, i was anit nervous when asked at first but the day itself went well but everybodys circumstances are different. Again you have a tough decision but I would go with the brother, your friends will understand imo.

TheDriver

i would take the opposite view, you have your choice, don't feel you must ask someone in particular.
I asked my 2 friends and didn't ask my brothers. What could they say, they never asked me either but asked each other at the time!

D3PO

OP there is no isue with what your thinking.

Im getting married this year I didnt ask my brother to be bestman/groomsman. Hes also getting married this year same scenario Im not in his bridal party.

Neither of us are put out by it we understand its our own decision. Im close enough to my siblings but would prefer my close friends to be in the bridal party.

I think it depends on each individual and their attitudes. I knew he wouldnt have a problem with it he knew I wouldnt.

The only perosn that seemed put out in our case was my mother but we both just laughed at her and told her that its our own business who we choose.

seamus

In general, people know where they stand in the "hierarchy" and they will rarely take offence at not being chosen for best man unless they really did think that they were very close to you.

At the end of the day it's really about who you're closest to. If you're closer to your friends than your brother (not uncommon when the brother is much older than you), I don't see why you wouldn't choose your mates.

Also, why are 3 groomsmen out of the question? My brother is getting married this year and he'll have four groomsmen (3 + best man) while his wife will have 2 bridesmaids. You don't have to match them up.

As D3PO says, the only person who'll be upset about your decision will probably be your mother. If you decide not to go with your brother, just make an effort not to "exclude" him on the day, i.e. don't sit him down the back at the meal, maybe give him a few tasks to do.

stargazer 68

Why dont you ask your brother if he would mind not being in the bridal party? He may not want to as he would rather sit with his wife/gf and your problem is solved.

Sleepy

My brother would have *hated* being best man so I asked him to be a groomsman instead.

hoodwinked

Dovies wrote: »

Why dont you ask your brother if he would mind not being in the bridal party? He may not want to as he would rather sit with his wife/gf and your problem is solved.

this is what we did also and it worked by not offending anyone then.

just talk to your brother, you may be surprised he may prefer not to be in it, he'll still be called for family photos..etc

oxymoronist

I am not sure what leads you to think there is some sort of social etiquette which stipulates you have some sort of obligation to ask your brother. There isn't.

Cedrus

Think about who'd be best at the job on the day, it's not just an honorary title there are duties as well.

If it's a traditional wedding there'll be a speech to make bridesmaids to be hosted, sometimes the BM takes on the role of MC, sometimes acts almost like the manager of the wedding, holds the purse for the day and pays the priest, church singers, sacristan, hotel etc. Not everybodies cup of tea.

I've done it twice, never again.

Trying to count reception guests in a hotel that had a name for overcharging, writing the grooms speech on the way to the church, getting a hungover groom out in the morning, organising the hotel times on the morning because the couple thought that they could just turn up with 120 guests whenever they were ready, trying to organise things that the bride and groom had failed to agree on. My own wedding was a piece of p!ss in comparison.

D3PO

Cedrus wrote: »

Trying to count reception guests in a hotel that had a name for overcharging, .

why woudl you do this ? You submit your final numbers in advance and your going to be charged for that number even if only half turn up. If there are extra people taht show up its easy to figure out.

off topic but if you actually tried counting guests you wasted your time. :cool:

Sleepy

As he said: the hotel had a reputation for over-charging, they'd clearly heard of the hotel charging for "extra guests" that didn't exist.

Seems like a lot of places will allow some tolerance as to final numbers as well... i.e. if up to 6 people don't show, you don't get charged, any more than that and you do...

ElleEm

Who do you actually WANT as your best man

Cedrus

D3PO wrote: »

why woudl you do this ? You submit your final numbers in advance and your going to be charged for that number even if only half turn up. If there are extra people taht show up its easy to figure out.

off topic but if you actually tried counting guests you wasted your time. :cool:

There was a reserved number when the hotel was booked, then a confirmed number a couple of days before to allow the hotel to ensure staffing levels and food volumes, and lastly they allowed a float +-6 on the actual number who turned up. Also, kids meals were charged at a different rate so we wanted to keep an eye on that too, some 'kids' might have got bigger since we'd last seen them and might have gone for the 'adult' choice. There was a staff member going around doing exactly the same count, I did it more discreetly from the top table (and probably a little less accurately).

The budget wasn't so tight that we needed to know the numbers exactly, just ball park so that there'd be no disagreements to spoil the day, Hardly a waste of time.

D3PO

Sleepy wrote: »

As he said: the hotel had a reputation for over-charging, they'd clearly heard of the hotel charging for "extra guests" that didn't exist.

Seems like a lot of places will allow some tolerance as to final numbers as well... i.e. if up to 6 people don't show, you don't get charged, any more than that and you do...

it is off topic but its easy to tell that given you have a table plan and know who is where. when sitting down at the meal it would be easy to spot any difference.

it would also be much easier anyway to tell the wedding coordinator to contact you if there are more people there than the submitted that would prevent "overcharging"

just think its crazy to expect a best man to do that and its pointless where there are much easier ways to address a concern like that.

Cedrus

D3PO wrote: »

it is off topic but its easy to tell that given you have a table plan and know who is where. when sitting down at the meal it would be easy to spot any difference.

it would also be much easier anyway to tell the wedding coordinator to contact you if there are more people there than the submitted that would prevent "overcharging"

just think its crazy to expect a best man to do that and its pointless where there are much easier ways to address a concern like that.

Not everybody uses a table plan, not all guests follow it when there is one, sometimes the best man and bridesmaid are there to coordinate on behalf of the bride and groom, it's not at all difficult to scan the room and count a few heads. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I did waste time, I was asked to do certain things by my friend and I did them, that was my role on the day.

All off topic! My point was "it's not just an honorary title there are duties as well" Any groom should pick the best man who can/will fit the role that the Bride and Groom are expecting them to perform at their wedding.