At long last able to post my coming out story :)

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have been reading these forums for years and at long last I can finally post my "coming out" story, I hope that this will be of benefit to someone, somewhere!

Ok so I guess since I was about 4 years old, I was attracted to the same sex, this was something at the time I took absolutely no notice of, and I thought it was one of those childhood things that I would grow out of in years to come. I didn't tell anyone back then and saw nothing of it. As a child (and even now I guess) I always knew that there was something different about me in comparison to your generic guy into the usual stuff, it was my sense of humour that was back then and even now my most striking characteristic.

Anyway fast forward a few years and again that "male attraction" kicked in, girls didn't appeal to me at all, for the first stage of my teenage years I just thought that I hadn't reached that stage of being attacted to girls, being gay was only a suspicion. My "being different" and that bit more quiet and reserved put the rumourmill into full swing and people started talking, bullying, etc. Anyway, to be blunt, secondary school was hell because these suspicions were constantly dogging me, and I hadn't even come to terms with it myself.

By the time I had hit 15/16 I knew well that I wanted to start experimenting to see what it was like to be with a guy, etc and I started chatting to guys online, etc. It wasn't until I was 17 that I acted on these urges and as it goes with one's first time, became attached and wanted to embrace the gay side of me. I come from a fairly conservative background, both my parents and siblings were quite reserved and did not know any gays, they thought that it was sick and weird, and this scared the crap out of me.

While I was looking online, one of my siblings found out, I felt like dying I was so scared and embarrassed, etc. Luckily I had their word that nothing would be said and not to worry. Even at that I was still very worried and felt so alone, I had many sleepless nights, and even at times would be shaking with the worry. It affected my concentration and study in an awful way!

Towards the end of secondary school I still knew that while I was very confused (and not quite ready to accept the fact that I was gay) I was in no way ready to come out and face the music, not when my parents and family were so against gays. Also I was friends with several people in secondary school that I thought I probably wouldn't be in touch with them after school-I was right. So I knew that I didn't want to come out, and I didn't have to either.

Starting university was also quite daunting, again I was scared that people would have their suspicions and that I was going to become isolated like I was back in school. After a while a few people did have their suspicions when I never held down a girlfriend or went about having one night stands, etc. In between all of this, I ended up meeting a really beautiful girl, she blew me away. We had similar interests and I was really taken aback by her humour and her beauty, it really messed with my head! Needless to say it never really took off like I wanted to, and it left me hurt but also even more confused with myself than ever.
Also, some of my siblings started to make friends that were gay, and also some of my own friends came out to me too. In a way it was good for me to see how they were adapting to the changes in their lives as well as seeing both the good and the bad reactions. During all of this my parents and some of my siblings were still very much anti-gay, so the same worries and reservations were there. During this time I thought that I'm never going to come out, and if I do I won't have any communication with those members of my family.

Then this is the part where my "coming out" started to begin. I ended up meeting this guy a bit older than me, he wasn't out either. We got on quite well, but at the time I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship because it just wouldn't work given everything going on in my life during this time. He however had other ideas and wanted us to give it a shot. I did and ended up falling in love with him, and he did with me. I had never been so happy to finally be accepted by someone, and also feel loved for who I was. It's pretty insane to think all of this was going on, but I couldn't tell anyone. What ended up happening was I was out with one of my friends who was gay a few weeks into this relationship in a nightclub, I wasn't really drunk or anything and he texted me and my face beamed up. My friend was walking towards me from a distance and saw the look on my face and was like "who are you creeping on?! is there someone you're not telling me about!" I was caught up in the moment and just said "Yeah, it's a guy!" in true tv sitcom form some song came on in the club and her friends dragged her away but we talked about it a few minutes later, she got me really drunk and said "this is great, you can tell me all about him tomorrow when this is still great ok?" I woke up the next day, still kind of worried because I couldn't believe that I had finally told someone but she texted wanting to know all about him and was really, really supportive. As things got a bit more serious between myself and the boyfriend, I still thought that I could never tell my family given their opinions on gays, etc. This still scared the crap out of me. My friend who I told said that I didn't have to tell them if I didn't want to, but I still felt awful. About 3 months after this I told 2 of my friends at university, 1 guy and 1 girl (both straight). I was excited to tell them, and the girl was delighted for me, and also couldn't believe that I was in a relationship! My guy friend (who came from the country, didn't know anything about gays but was one of my best friends) went very quiet, was ok with it but just really worried about me and how I was going to cope with it all. He suggested that I just tell them but I knew that I really wasn't in the right place to tell them. He said that he wouldn't tell anyone and he didn't, but he would always ask how I was, and how things were going etc.

I forgot to mention that I did tell another friend just before this who I knew always had suspected that I was gay and was a bit of a blabbermouth. I don't know why but I felt like I owed it to her. She was great about it, and said she wouldn't tell anyone but I was fairly suspicious that she would. Alarm bells rang when I was in the car with another friend and he asked if I was seeing anyone, and I said no and the whole car just went silent. Another friend told me about 2 years later that she had told her as well. I was fairly angry but I didn't ever confront her about it and I never will, in my eyes she has made herself look really bad by breaching my trust.

OK back on track, about 6 weeks after telling my 2 friends at university, my relationship with the guy fell apart, he became really distant, started ignoring my calls, etc and dumped me in an e-mail. I felt humiliated, hurt and heartbroken. It really was a low point when college work was starting to get very hard, my friends and my family were getting more suspicious about my sexuality and I really couldn't handle it all. I felt so ****ty, alone and useless. My friends that knew were there for me but having to hide my hurt from everyone else was a major challenge. I decided to throw all of this hurt, anger etc into my college work and other activities and interests and forget about the guy and all of the other **** going on and it ended up really paying off

So during college, I didn't come out, and I didn't really tell anyone else for a long time afterwards, I didn't want to be known as "one of the gay guys" during college and I wasn't your obvious-looking gay guy plus my standards were fairly high :P I had met a few guys in between, etc discreetly and that suited me down to the ground, I really didn't want anything serious after the last guy. Towards the end of university I could tell that at home the family were getting more and more suspicious, however their attitude was also changing. My dad, your typical old-fashioned GAA mad man was still as homophobic as ever but my siblings had matured and even my mom's attitude was beginning to change because of them, and also she had become friends with some lesbians through work and mutual friends which lead to my dad meeting them when they went out, etc.

Anyway I brought a friend home from college one weekend, I noticed that my mom kept mentioning her gay friends, etc and it was very weird (although alarm bells were going off in my head!) whereas my dad kept making remarks about the "fúcking gay/queer/homo" on the tv (it was actually Panos from the Apprentice) which just made it even more uncomfortable for me since my friend didn't know I was gay :P I met with one of my siblings a few weeks later who said "mom thinks *********** is your boyfriend, she thinks you're bi by the way". At that moment, I got a bit of a drop to the gut and just said "well I'm gay actually". This was the same sibling that found out a few years previously, was fine with it, promised that nobody else would be told and was glad I had said it.
It took a while to mull over in my mind and I was very apprehensive for a few weeks after. I still wasn't ready to tell the rest. Then out of nowhere a few months after another sibling said out of nowhere "***** told me you're gay by the way. It's fine, I always knew, I don't care and I hope you're ok with it". I basically said that it was my business and that I didn't really care, and continued talking and changed the subject. A few weeks later we talked about it again drunkenly, found out that my mom knew because they told her. I still wasn't ready.

Then college had ended, I started working. Again, I was getting the "are you seeing anyone?" "is there a girlfriend on the scene?" "you're really goodlooking though, how come you're single?" questions and I actually was getting a bit embarrassed.
To be honest, I started to think to myself, actually I haven't been seeing anyone in years, I miss the companionship, I'm a good person and I'm good-looking why don't I deserve this as much as anyone else?I got back in the game and started looking out for a guy, etc again. Also, a lot of my friends started emigrating and throughout the years I became really close to a few of them, and I had always been there for them as they had for me. I didn't want them to find out off others in time to come if we didn't see each other for a few years so I started to tell a few of them, they were all really great about it and really happy for me. Even one or two of my friends who would always make jokes, etc about gays were great and really happy for me, they said that no matter what I was still their friend and it didn't change anything. One of my really good friends was like "trust me, you being gay is just a very, VERY minute detail in the rest of your qualities which completely overshadow it all anyway, so I wouldn't really be too bothered about it". I had told a good few friends, but I knew that I wasn't going to tell anymore until I bit the bullet and finally told my parents.

So a few days ago I was back home and I woke up one morning and thought "fúck it, I'm doing this today". It was possibly one of the quickest days ever and then I realised "shít I need to do this today". In the moments leading up to it I thought to myself, shít I have nothing prepared as to what to say, my heart as going 90 and then just before I came into contact with mom and dad I thought to myself "right, do I want to keep feeling scared and worried like I have for years or do I want to get this over with now, deal with the consequences and move on when I am going to more than likely get the same reaction in a few weeks/months/years time anyway?" then I thought, no: I'm going to do this now!
I was talking to them for a bit and then I just said "I want to talk to you about something, I have accepted the fact that I'm gay. I can't change it, it's just the way I was born and I am at the stage where I don't care and neither does anyone else". My mom said that it was ok, not to worry and that she loved me no matter what and that I was great and that life is too hard without having to carry that burden. My dad was silent for the part when I was talking and then said "so what if the others do care? It's none of their fúcking business!" They both gave me a hug and to be honest I needed the time to recover from the shock of telling them myself but they were both fine with it. I didn't feel this massive overwhelming feeling of relief or anything, I think that'll take a few weeks to kick in but one thing is for sure, I'm free from those years of burden at long last

I know this is like a novel at this stage but there are a few things that I just want to say. No matter what stage you are at, do not feel like you HAVE to come out to anyone unless YOU want to tell them. Nobody has a right to know unless you want to tell them! If your parents are anti-gay or whatever, you don't have to tell them, maybe in time they will come around to becoming more liberal when they see other LGBTs carrying on as normal or whatnot. Anyway, I hope that my story is able to appeal to someone. I feel relatively cool, calm and collected. All I need right now is for the guy I have been kind of seeing to wake up and realise that he wants to be my boyfriend Wish me luck, and best of luck to all of you!!!!

floggg

Congrats, and fair play to you. Must be a great relief.

No matter what parents might say, more often than not they will love you enough to get over any silly prejudices they have. It might take some time, but generally they do.

I waited till I was ready for the world to know before I told my gobby friend, as fully expected him to tell the world even though I asked him not to (he actually outed somebody else to me in the course of promising not to which didn't fill me with hope).

Surprisingly though he seems to have kept shtum!

Locker10a

AtLast wrote: »

Hi all,

I have been reading these forums for years and at long last I can finally post my "coming out" story, I hope that this will be of benefit to someone, somewhere!

Ok so I guess since I was about 4 years old, I was attracted to the same sex, this was something at the time I took absolutely no notice of, and I thought it was one of those childhood things that I would grow out of in years to come. I didn't tell anyone back then and saw nothing of it. As a child (and even now I guess) I always knew that there was something different about me in comparison to your generic guy into the usual stuff, it was my sense of humour that was back then and even now my most striking characteristic.

Anyway fast forward a few years and again that "male attraction" kicked in, girls didn't appeal to me at all, for the first stage of my teenage years I just thought that I hadn't reached that stage of being attacted to girls, being gay was only a suspicion. My "being different" and that bit more quiet and reserved put the rumourmill into full swing and people started talking, bullying, etc. Anyway, to be blunt, secondary school was hell because these suspicions were constantly dogging me, and I hadn't even come to terms with it myself.

By the time I had hit 15/16 I knew well that I wanted to start experimenting to see what it was like to be with a guy, etc and I started chatting to guys online, etc. It wasn't until I was 17 that I acted on these urges and as it goes with one's first time, became attached and wanted to embrace the gay side of me. I come from a fairly conservative background, both my parents and siblings were quite reserved and did not know any gays, they thought that it was sick and weird, and this scared the crap out of me.

While I was looking online, one of my siblings found out, I felt like dying I was so scared and embarrassed, etc. Luckily I had their word that nothing would be said and not to worry. Even at that I was still very worried and felt so alone, I had many sleepless nights, and even at times would be shaking with the worry. It affected my concentration and study in an awful way!

Towards the end of secondary school I still knew that while I was very confused (and not quite ready to accept the fact that I was gay) I was in no way ready to come out and face the music, not when my parents and family were so against gays. Also I was friends with several people in secondary school that I thought I probably wouldn't be in touch with them after school-I was right. So I knew that I didn't want to come out, and I didn't have to either.

Starting university was also quite daunting, again I was scared that people would have their suspicions and that I was going to become isolated like I was back in school. After a while a few people did have their suspicions when I never held down a girlfriend or went about having one night stands, etc. In between all of this, I ended up meeting a really beautiful girl, she blew me away. We had similar interests and I was really taken aback by her humour and her beauty, it really messed with my head! Needless to say it never really took off like I wanted to, and it left me hurt but also even more confused with myself than ever.
Also, some of my siblings started to make friends that were gay, and also some of my own friends came out to me too. In a way it was good for me to see how they were adapting to the changes in their lives as well as seeing both the good and the bad reactions. During all of this my parents and some of my siblings were still very much anti-gay, so the same worries and reservations were there. During this time I thought that I'm never going to come out, and if I do I won't have any communication with those members of my family.

Then this is the part where my "coming out" started to begin. I ended up meeting this guy a bit older than me, he wasn't out either. We got on quite well, but at the time I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship because it just wouldn't work given everything going on in my life during this time. He however had other ideas and wanted us to give it a shot. I did and ended up falling in love with him, and he did with me. I had never been so happy to finally be accepted by someone, and also feel loved for who I was. It's pretty insane to think all of this was going on, but I couldn't tell anyone. What ended up happening was I was out with one of my friends who was gay a few weeks into this relationship in a nightclub, I wasn't really drunk or anything and he texted me and my face beamed up. My friend was walking towards me from a distance and saw the look on my face and was like "who are you creeping on?! is there someone you're not telling me about!" I was caught up in the moment and just said "Yeah, it's a guy!" in true tv sitcom form some song came on in the club and her friends dragged her away but we talked about it a few minutes later, she got me really drunk and said "this is great, you can tell me all about him tomorrow when this is still great ok?" I woke up the next day, still kind of worried because I couldn't believe that I had finally told someone but she texted wanting to know all about him and was really, really supportive. As things got a bit more serious between myself and the boyfriend, I still thought that I could never tell my family given their opinions on gays, etc. This still scared the crap out of me. My friend who I told said that I didn't have to tell them if I didn't want to, but I still felt awful. About 3 months after this I told 2 of my friends at university, 1 guy and 1 girl (both straight). I was excited to tell them, and the girl was delighted for me, and also couldn't believe that I was in a relationship! My guy friend (who came from the country, didn't know anything about gays but was one of my best friends) went very quiet, was ok with it but just really worried about me and how I was going to cope with it all. He suggested that I just tell them but I knew that I really wasn't in the right place to tell them. He said that he wouldn't tell anyone and he didn't, but he would always ask how I was, and how things were going etc.

I forgot to mention that I did tell another friend just before this who I knew always had suspected that I was gay and was a bit of a blabbermouth. I don't know why but I felt like I owed it to her. She was great about it, and said she wouldn't tell anyone but I was fairly suspicious that she would. Alarm bells rang when I was in the car with another friend and he asked if I was seeing anyone, and I said no and the whole car just went silent. Another friend told me about 2 years later that she had told her as well. I was fairly angry but I didn't ever confront her about it and I never will, in my eyes she has made herself look really bad by breaching my trust.

OK back on track, about 6 weeks after telling my 2 friends at university, my relationship with the guy fell apart, he became really distant, started ignoring my calls, etc and dumped me in an e-mail. I felt humiliated, hurt and heartbroken. It really was a low point when college work was starting to get very hard, my friends and my family were getting more suspicious about my sexuality and I really couldn't handle it all. I felt so ****ty, alone and useless. My friends that knew were there for me but having to hide my hurt from everyone else was a major challenge. I decided to throw all of this hurt, anger etc into my college work and other activities and interests and forget about the guy and all of the other **** going on and it ended up really paying off

So during college, I didn't come out, and I didn't really tell anyone else for a long time afterwards, I didn't want to be known as "one of the gay guys" during college and I wasn't your obvious-looking gay guy plus my standards were fairly high :P I had met a few guys in between, etc discreetly and that suited me down to the ground, I really didn't want anything serious after the last guy. Towards the end of university I could tell that at home the family were getting more and more suspicious, however their attitude was also changing. My dad, your typical old-fashioned GAA mad man was still as homophobic as ever but my siblings had matured and even my mom's attitude was beginning to change because of them, and also she had become friends with some lesbians through work and mutual friends which lead to my dad meeting them when they went out, etc.

Anyway I brought a friend home from college one weekend, I noticed that my mom kept mentioning her gay friends, etc and it was very weird (although alarm bells were going off in my head!) whereas my dad kept making remarks about the "fúcking gay/queer/homo" on the tv (it was actually Panos from the Apprentice) which just made it even more uncomfortable for me since my friend didn't know I was gay :P I met with one of my siblings a few weeks later who said "mom thinks *********** is your boyfriend, she thinks you're bi by the way". At that moment, I got a bit of a drop to the gut and just said "well I'm gay actually". This was the same sibling that found out a few years previously, was fine with it, promised that nobody else would be told and was glad I had said it.
It took a while to mull over in my mind and I was very apprehensive for a few weeks after. I still wasn't ready to tell the rest. Then out of nowhere a few months after another sibling said out of nowhere "***** told me you're gay by the way. It's fine, I always knew, I don't care and I hope you're ok with it". I basically said that it was my business and that I didn't really care, and continued talking and changed the subject. A few weeks later we talked about it again drunkenly, found out that my mom knew because they told her. I still wasn't ready.

Then college had ended, I started working. Again, I was getting the "are you seeing anyone?" "is there a girlfriend on the scene?" "you're really goodlooking though, how come you're single?" questions and I actually was getting a bit embarrassed.
To be honest, I started to think to myself, actually I haven't been seeing anyone in years, I miss the companionship, I'm a good person and I'm good-looking why don't I deserve this as much as anyone else?I got back in the game and started looking out for a guy, etc again. Also, a lot of my friends started emigrating and throughout the years I became really close to a few of them, and I had always been there for them as they had for me. I didn't want them to find out off others in time to come if we didn't see each other for a few years so I started to tell a few of them, they were all really great about it and really happy for me. Even one or two of my friends who would always make jokes, etc about gays were great and really happy for me, they said that no matter what I was still their friend and it didn't change anything. One of my really good friends was like "trust me, you being gay is just a very, VERY minute detail in the rest of your qualities which completely overshadow it all anyway, so I wouldn't really be too bothered about it". I had told a good few friends, but I knew that I wasn't going to tell anymore until I bit the bullet and finally told my parents.

So a few days ago I was back home and I woke up one morning and thought "fúck it, I'm doing this today". It was possibly one of the quickest days ever and then I realised "shít I need to do this today". In the moments leading up to it I thought to myself, shít I have nothing prepared as to what to say, my heart as going 90 and then just before I came into contact with mom and dad I thought to myself "right, do I want to keep feeling scared and worried like I have for years or do I want to get this over with now, deal with the consequences and move on when I am going to more than likely get the same reaction in a few weeks/months/years time anyway?" then I thought, no: I'm going to do this now!
I was talking to them for a bit and then I just said "I want to talk to you about something, I have accepted the fact that I'm gay. I can't change it, it's just the way I was born and I am at the stage where I don't care and neither does anyone else". My mom said that it was ok, not to worry and that she loved me no matter what and that I was great and that life is too hard without having to carry that burden. My dad was silent for the part when I was talking and then said "so what if the others do care? It's none of their fúcking business!" They both gave me a hug and to be honest I needed the time to recover from the shock of telling them myself but they were both fine with it. I didn't feel this massive overwhelming feeling of relief or anything, I think that'll take a few weeks to kick in but one thing is for sure, I'm free from those years of burden at long last

I know this is like a novel at this stage but there are a few things that I just want to say. No matter what stage you are at, do not feel like you HAVE to come out to anyone unless YOU want to tell them. Nobody has a right to know unless you want to tell them! If your parents are anti-gay or whatever, you don't have to tell them, maybe in time they will come around to becoming more liberal when they see other LGBTs carrying on as normal or whatnot. Anyway, I hope that my story is able to appeal to someone. I feel relatively cool, calm and collected. All I need right now is for the guy I have been kind of seeing to wake up and realise that he wants to be my boyfriend Wish me luck, and best of luck to all of you!!!!

Thank you for sharing your story its very inspiration.!! I'm sure it will give hope to others and I hope you find a fella soon you deserve a bit a happiness

Pacifist Pigeon

<don't quote the OP>

Irish Aris

so happy for you, mate!!!

Coeurdepirate

I'm very pleased for you OP, I just told my parents about two months ago too and got an great response, it's an amazing feeling.

df1985

Between this story and the many others on the forum,I hope anyone struggling with it sees just how many havent had negative reactions.

Davyhal

This is bizarre, up to the part where you told your folks, this story is word for word my life. This does help me cos, even though literally every one of my friends knows, my parents still don't. I plan on telling them any day now, and I hope it goes as well as it did for you!

DazMarz

I know the feeling of telling someone when you're worried they'll have a negative reaction... it's much, much harder than telling someone who you know won't care.

Congrats to the OP!:D

Aurongroove

My dad left our family when I was young, So I didn't really have a dad to come out too when I realized I was gay.
I think my sis dropped it into a conversation a few years ago, but I've yet to hear back a reaction. It'd be nice if he was OK with it, but to be honest it's superfluous to the fact that my other relatives were grand with the whole thing.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the kind messages! To be honest, I don't feel like a massive weight has been lifted off or anything, it's just nice knowing that I don't have to worry about telling them anymore.

It is true that most stories recently on these forums have been positive, but what I was trying to get at is even if there is the fear of a negative reaction now, it might just mean that the timing isn't right and there's nothing wrong with keeping it secret a little bit longer