love but not in love

LegacyUser

Hi i dont know if this is even the right place to put this!

Story goes like this, im currently going out (8 months) with an absolutely wonderful girl at the moment , shes kind, caring, sensitive and puts up with my silly little ways but we have very little in common and its starting to show.

But about 2 months ago an ex got back in touch and ever since i havent been able to get her out of my head. If theres was an exact match for me on this earth she was it!! We broke up because of a bereavement of a good friend of hers, she didnt take it too well and just pushed everyone away and we didnt keep in contact. We had loads of things in common.

The thing is i would love to get back with her but it would kill me to break up with my current girlfriend, i just know it would break her heart (and mine in a strange way) but i know ts for the best. I now know what people mean when they say that they love someone but arent in love with them. I do care very much for her but i dont see a future for us.

Is there anyway to break up with her so that would make it anyway easier for her!!

holyhead

It sounds to me like you love her as a friend but this other girl has your heart. It's only fair if you see no future with your current GF to be honest with her. You thought you could move on etc but. Yes you'll hurt her but you'll hurt her by not dating her on an equal footing. As for this other girl what's to say with the next bereavement she won't push you away. Just bear this in mind. Best of luck

Miss Fluff

I agree. I'd be honest with your current GF - tell her the truth - tell her that this old flame has reappeared and it has made you realise that there is unfinished business and that you are still in love with her.

Hope it works out for you.

floorpie

To play devil's advocate for a minute, and to use your colloquialism, perhaps your ex loved you but wasn't in love with you, if she was able to break up with you and not contact you for 8+ months (not to make light of a bereavement).

Whatever about that though, the more important point is that the grass is always always greener, if you allow it to be.

IrishEyes19

regardless of your feeling for an ex, put that aside for a moment and ask yourself whether leading this girl on is the right thing. It may break your heart and hers for a while, but the pain will be much stronger if in the future you reveal this to her and too much time has passed. I think its only fair you allow your current gf to move on and find someone who is in love with her. Theres no nice way of breaking up, other than giving her the honest truth and being decent about it. Its always going to sting. But the longer you hold off, the worse it will feel.

On a side note, putting all your eggs in one basket for your ex is dodgy, theres no guarantee she feels the same.

Missy Moo Moo

Regardless about whether you get back with the ex or not, you clearly don't love your current GF. Do the decent thing and set her free. I know it sucks being the one doing the dumping especially when the person is wonderful. Life can be cruel sometimes.

Just please, please tell her the truth and don't spin any lines about not being ready for a relationship. I urge you that as I've been someone on the receiving end of those lines. Telling her the truth will facilitate quicker moving on on her part. Tell her she's wonderful (list her good qualities) but that you just don't feel that spark and you still have feelings for your ex so it's not fair to continue. Try and prepare her in some way so that's it's not a total shock if you do get back with the ex.

Best of luck OP, I know how much it sucks hurting someone you care about

squonk

I'm just wondering here.... You were going out with new girl for about 6 months before ex girl showed up again. I would take a different line to some of the previous posters. You obviously have unfinished business with your ex. Are you sure she wants to get back with you? Is that prospect actually being dangled in front of you? What I'm getting at here is that you mentioned that you've nothing in common with new girl yet that doesn't appear to have been a problem for six months prior to the ex coming back on the scene.

I'm just afraid that you're rationalising wanting to get back with your ex by convincing yourself there's nothing in common between you and new girl. What I'm saying is that there must have been enough in common to allow you to last for 6 months prior to this current situation. In the end only you can decide OP but you need to be aware of the 'faraway hills are greener' scenario and really go back and examine what your relationship with your ex was trully like. Time has passed and you've both moved on and are different people this time around. It won't be the same. Past memories of things are nearly always better than the reality at the time. We add weight to certain things in hindsight. I would say think long and hard about where you were, where you are now and where you want to be in the future. I'm saying this because I'm not really buying the 'love but not in love' and 'nothing in common' lines you are using. You've probably been going out with your ex longer than new girl. I don't mean that you shouldn't go back to the ex, but just don't be a party to fooling yourself either.

Missy Moo Moo

squonk wrote: »

I'm just wondering here.... You were going out with new girl for about 6 months before ex girl showed up again. I would take a different line to some of the previous posters. You obviously have unfinished business with your ex. Are you sure she wants to get back with you? Is that prospect actually being dangled in front of you? What I'm getting at here is that you mentioned that you've nothing in common with new girl yet that doesn't appear to have been a problem for six months prior to the ex coming back on the scene.

I'm just afraid that you're rationalising wanting to get back with your ex by convincing yourself there's nothing in common between you and new girl. What I'm saying is that there must have been enough in common to allow you to last for 6 months prior to this current situation. In the end only you can decide OP but you need to be aware of the 'faraway hills are greener' scenario and really go back and examine what your relationship with your ex was trully like. Time has passed and you've both moved on and are different people this time around. It won't be the same. Past memories of things are nearly always better than the reality at the time. We add weight to certain things in hindsight. I would say think long and hard about where you were, where you are now and where you want to be in the future. I'm saying this because I'm not really buying the 'love but not in love' and 'nothing in common' lines you are using. You've probably been going out with your ex longer than new girl. I don't mean that you shouldn't go back to the ex, but just don't be a party to fooling yourself either.

I can't speak for the OP but I'd imagine regardless of what happens with the ex, he has stated that he's not in love with his girlfriend. That seems pretty definite to me. It'd be different if he had doubts caused by the re-emergence of his ex, but this doesn't seem like just doubts, like I said it seems definite. Maybe he thought things were fine and the exes re-appearance reminded him that they're not. Plus the not having stuff in common only being a problem now is fairly common, I spent 2 years with an ex I had zero in common with before I acknowledged that it was an issue.