Painful to see my OH with his child

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and we are living together for one year. He has an eleven year old daughter that he sees every second weekend and certain nights during the week.

I love him with all my heart and he's my best friend, however for reasons I won't go into, we won't be able to have a child of our own. I have always wanted to get married and have a baby of my own and I am finding this very difficult.

I am feeling very angry and resentful as well as extremely upset. I get so jealous looking at him with his daughter as I know that will never be him with my child. It has gotten to the point where I am finding it hard to be around her. I've tried but for my own reasons it's upsetting.

We have spoken but of course he has a child so he doesn't really get my viewpoint. I don't know how long I can stay like this before I become bitter.

How do I walk away from a man I love, my best friend, the man I have waited so long to find? I don't know if I would ever get over him. I could find someone else but they wouldn't be him but I am tortured as it is.

It's not as simple as if you love someone you will deal, it's much more painful than that.
I know my issue may appear quite trivial in comparison to some but I would appreciate any good advice.

Thank you

Chinafoot

If having a baby of your own isn't possible have you considered adoption?

I would suggest you get some counselling to try to get past this issue otherwise you will destroy your relationship. Being jealous and resentful of an 11 year old child is not healthy and it is something you really need to deal with. His child will always be in his life and should always come first for your partner. It is completely unfair for her to be in a situation where her father's partner can't bear to be around her. Children aren't stupid and you can be guaranteed she will be aware of your feelings of resentment towards her. This may place a serious strain on her relationship with her dad which in turn will damage your relationship with him. The welfare of his child needs to come first.

There isn't really a whole lot your partner can do to change the situation. If having a child together isn't possible you can't expect him to not spend time with his daughter in order to spare your feelings. Your comment about how he doesn't "get" your viewpoint seems rather flippant. I don't have a child and I don't get your viewpoint either. What do you want him to do here?

If this is something you can't get past then you need to make a decision on your relationship. Is your desire for a child of your own greater than your desire for a relationship with this man? If the answer is yes then I would suggest you end your relationship and find someone who can give you what you want. If the answer is no then I would strongly suggest you speak to a professional to get past these feelings of resentment you have towards an innocent child.

I am a friend

Would you be able to have kids with a different partner or could the same position occur again with someone new?

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies.

Firstly to Chinafoot, I never once said I have a problem with him spending time with her or wanted him to stop etc that's ridiculous. I don't know why you put "get" my viewpoint in inverted commas, this is a really difficult and upsetting situation and to call it flippant is unnecessary. He doesn't understand why I want to have a baby so much, he's happy because he has one, he can't understand it from my point of view, if that explains any further. You don't have to have a child to understand that. I am in no way neglecting or disrspecting the child, in fact we have a lovely relationship and she often comes to me before she would her own mother about problems etc. I came on here for some advice not to be made out that I am doing anything to harm an innocent child as you said, I think you completely misunderstand the situation.

He is a great man and has never put her before me or vice versa, this is possible to do. At different times people are more of a priority, it doesn't mean you are neglecting the other.

I am a friend, yes I would be able to have kids with someone else but this is my painful situation. I love this man but we will never have a baby of our own.

Thank you

fungun

to be fair, i think you have misread Chinafoots post...and the reason 'get' was in quotes was that it was quoted from your post.

My take is: You have to decide whether having a child is more important than your relationship. And when you think of having a child, what I really mean is 'having a biological child'. In some ways, you could argue there is a wonderful opportunity here also - your partner does not want more children....I understand that you do....but as a slight offset for your pain, then you do have a child for whom you can be a parental influence too. But the problem is you see it as 'his' child.

Me, I think Id try to get involved with the child (as you seem to do already). However I do understand that the feeling of jealousy etc that you have and why they make you angry. If this eats you up so much that it makes you resentful and bitter then it may be that having your biological child is that important to you that you need to walk away and find someone that can do that for you. But be wary of romanticising the idea of having your own child also. Its a tough place to be OP

LegacyUser

Hi fungun,

Thanks for your reply It's actually not that he doesn't want more children, he can't. He has known from Day 1 that this is something I want so if we weren't on the same page I would not have gotten involved but life happens and unforseen circumstances occur. If he simply refused to have any period, end of discussion, then I would leave of course but it's not his fault so it makes things more complicated.

I appreciate your advice, maybe I am romanticising the whole thing, my head is just all over the place andI'm too emotional to think clearly about the whole thing I suppose.

Squiggler

OP, you have a difficult choice ahead of you. No matter how much you love this man you cannot maintain a relationship with resentment and jealousy long term. Not healthily anyway.

So, as I see it, you either need to accept that you have a lovely 11 year old stepdaughter (or close enough to stepdaughter) and a great man and that you won't have children of your own and make the most of that... or you need to leave and find someone who *might* be able to give you children of your own.

I say might because there are no guarantees. So many couples find that they can't have children, and often without any apparent reasons.

Please, for your own sake, try to let go of your resentment. I can understand how frustrating it must be for you that he doesn't seem to understand your feelings. Do you think counselling would help, for both of you or for you only? Could you write him a letter explaining it, sometimes writing it down can be helpful. Someone reading something can't interrupt and interject and deflect the conversation.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

ash23

It really boils down to whether you want children more than you want this man. At the moment you probably resent the fact that he can't/won't give you children. And whether he already had a child or not, this situation would manifest itself in some shape or form.

If your desire for a child is overwhelming then it may just have to be a case of you ending this relationship in order to meet someone who you can have kids with.
There is no compromise when someone wants kids and their partner doesn't. It's a very real deal breaker and many relationships have ended because of it.
It's sad but it's life.

Chinafoot

OP222 wrote: »

I don't know why you put "get" my viewpoint in inverted commas, this is a really difficult and upsetting situation and to call it flippant is unnecessary.

The word "get" is in inverted commas because that is the word you used. It is a quote from you. I don't see what is so difficult to understand there. I didn't call your situation flippant. I said the way you said he doesn't "get" it seems rather flippant. Please read my posts properly before jumping down my neck.

OP222 wrote: »

He doesn't understand why I want to have a baby so much, he's happy because he has one, he can't understand it from my point of view, if that explains any further. You don't have to have a child to understand that.

You were not clear on that in your first post. In fact, you talked about this resentment and jealousy and hurt at knowing he would never be like that with your child, then you just said "We have spoken but of course he has a child but he doesn't really get my viewpoint." This was said directly after your comment about finding it difficult to be around his child. If this man physically can't have another child then what do you want him to do?

OP222 wrote: »

I am in no way neglecting or disrspecting the child, in fact we have a lovely relationship and she often comes to me before she would her own mother about problems etc. I came on here for some advice not to be made out that I am doing anything to harm an innocent child as you said, I think you completely misunderstand the situation.

You said in your first post

Painful situation wrote: »

I am feeling very angry and resentful as well as extremely upset. I get so jealous looking at him with his daughter as I know that will never be him with my child. It has gotten to the point where I am finding it hard to be around her. I've tried but for my own reasons it's upsetting.

My post was responding to the information you provided and the way in which you provided it. Your thread is called "Painful to see my OH with his child", you talk about anger, jealousy and resentment, at no point did you mention this wonderful relationship you have with his child. I stand by my post. If you have this level of anger and resentment and do in fact find it hard to be around her, then she's going to be aware of that.

As I, and others, have already said you need to decide if your desire for a child outweighs your desire to be with this man. If so, leave.

gagiteebo

Chinafoot I agree with what you are saying in essence but the way you come across is a bit harsh imo, OP came on here for advice not to be judged so. You might not react the same way but telling her to just leave is hardly helping.

Anyway back to OP, if only it were so simple as to accept that you won't have a baby of your own or leave.

I really think counselling would help both you and your relationship as it is unfair to everyone how you are feeling. It is obvious that you love this man and the child but you are struggling to accept what is happening. Have you found this out quite recently? It seems to be quite raw in which case I can understand your feelings on the matter, maybe it's not how everyone here would handle the situation but we are each different.

My thoughts are with you as I can understand the torture of what you are going through, I hope you find some peace for everyone's sake x

iguana

OP222 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply It's actually not that he doesn't want more children, he can't. He has known from Day 1 that this is something I want so if we weren't on the same page I would not have gotten involved but life happens and unforseen circumstances occur. If he simply refused to have any period, end of discussion, then I would leave of course but it's not his fault so it makes things more complicated.

If you would both like more children but the problem is his infertility there are still other options open to you. First off is his infertility total? A man can have a sperm count low enough to classify as infertile but still be able to reproduce through IVF if his sperm is extracted directly from the scrotum. And if his infertility is such that assisted reproduction is not an option, there is always the possibility of using donor sperm.

Have you talked through all of your options? What is his opinion on trying to have a family anyway? If your partner is of the mindset that he couldn't be bothered going through all of this as he already has a child then that does show a massive lack of consideration for your feelings.

LegacyUser

Hi Iguana,

Unfortunately he is unable to have any more full stop, he would love more children with me but seems to be able to accept it more readily than I can.

Gagiteebo, ash23 and squiggler- thank you for your understanding and advice, ye have made a lot of sense.

Thank you to everyone who came on with helpful advice.
Mods I think I've gotten what I can from this thread and it has sset me on my way to making a very big decision. Could you lock the thread please?

Thank you

Locked per OP request