Shy around new people

LegacyUser

I have a problem that seems to have become worse over time - I'm extremely shy/quiet towards people I've just met, or people I met recently.

I've never been good at small talk, and find it hard to hold up any sort of interesting conversation if I don't know the person quite well, so often when meeting new people (e.g. friends of a friend) I'll just stand there quietly, saying nothing!

The weird part is, once I know people for a while, I get on quite well. I don't make close friends that easy, but I get on well with people in my college year, and I like to think that everybody likes me. Most of them I know for about 2 years so have no difficulty having good conversations with them - however, around 'new people', I go completely quiet and even when conversing, I am at a loss at what to say most of the time. In fact, some of my friends at the moment comment on how strange it is that they didn't really get to know me for months after meeting me - but I haven't changed, it's just that it takes me way too long to get over initial shyness.

I find it much easier to talk to new people after a few drinks, but obviously this isn't a very healthy way to look at things - it's clear that it's a self-confidence issue (I have low self-confidence).

Does anyone have any tips? I'm going away on a weekend away soon with people I haven't met before, so I'll have no choice but to get talking to people, but I hope it doesn't end up with me spending the whole weekend as a mute! Even typing this, the answer seems obvious (just TALK to people), but as I said, I find it very difficult to maintain conversation with people who are new to me.
It's definitely gotten worse for some reason, probably due to how reclusive I can be. It's gotten so bad that I sometimes skip nights out if I know there'll be people there I haven't met before (e.g. friends of a friend), which is all sorts of ridiculous.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answer, sunflower.

Just an update, I had my weekend away with the college society anyway - and it was a disaster. I effectively talked to nobody, just found it very hard to start up conversations, or any conversations I did start didn't get too far past the "What's your name? What course are you doing in college?" stage. I became friendly with one guy and felt I 'clung' a bit to him rather than talking to loads of people, and the more I think of it, the more I do that in real life - I sometimes feel I hold back the people I cling to as well.

Why did I become so shy? I'm guessing it's a self-esteem issue. I'm overweight, not really happy with my appearance, have never been in a relationship, whereas I'm surrounded by people who seem to be smarter, better looking, funnier and more popular than I am and I can't help feeling a bit envious of people!
There was another thread in Personal Issues recently about lack of confidence, from a guy in secondary school, and posters are saying it will get better in college. But it's the opposite for me! This problem only seemed to develop in college, during secondary school I was a good deal more social - and I went to the Gaeltacht 3 years in a row, all which involved meeting new people, and I had a great time every time, nearly everyone genuinely seemed to like me and I made some good friends through that.

A bit of background with college: I came to college with a few people I know from back home, so rather than make new friends I tended to hang around with them a bit.
I lived on campus, but was a bit of a hermit and rather than make friends with my housemate I confined myself to my room a lot.
My friends from college, going into second year, decided to house themselves together but I wasn't really included (which in a way, I didn't really want to be, as I study a lot more than them - it would have been distracted), and I am living this year in a studio apartment on my own. I don't mind living on my own, but I fear it may be making me become socially awkward. But living away from my friends, I have been hanging around with them less and less and now I hardly ever see them - on the flipside I've become better friends with people in my class, and get on great with people I know well, but as a class we don't go out that often or do anything outside of attend college, so I get a bit lonely at times. There have been some nights out etc. that I have purposely avoided because I know there will be a lot of people there I haven't met before, and I know I'll just be shy and awkward and wouldn't have fun. For example, my friend has asked me to go with him to a house party next week - a house party of one of his friends from back home - a house party full of people I don't know! I'll probably end up not going - if I do go, it'll probably be just me clinging to my friend, or else not really talking to anyone!

How do I become less shy? Or probably equivalently, how do I boost my self-esteem, as I'm sure lack of confidence in myself (or something) is the root cause of this?

Pebbles68

I think it's fair to say most of us find it hard around new people but as sunflower said most people will happily talk about themselves given the opportunity. Ask about hobbies or interests; ask what clubs or societies they have joined. Make a comment about something in the news or sport. Give them a chance to talk.

Try this, imagine they are the shy person and you are trying to get them to come out of their shell. You'll be amazed how quickly you'll be able to connect.

And as for living like a hermit, I read an interview with Sean O'Brien(Irish rugby player in case you don't know) and he lived like a hermit in college. Look at him now Even if you are on your own use the time productively. Rather than wallow in lonliness use the time to study or do something about youer weight. Go for walks or do what ever you enjoy to be more active. Join a club or two. It will help you be more active, meet more people and in time will boost your confidence.

Eibhlin2011

Hi. I suffered with similar problems. What helped me a lot was doing cognitive behavioural therapy. You can go to a counsellor - but this can be expensive at €50 per hour. Or your university might provide a free counsellor? Otherwise you can do it yourself by buying some books. Two excellent ones are - End the struggle and Dance with Life by Susan Jeffers and also a book called The Feeling Good Handbook - I can't remember who wrote that one ( I think the authors surname is Burns). The first book helps you to feel more optimistic and happy about life and the second has practical ways to alter negative thoughts you might have. You can train your mind to think more positively and then when you're talking to people you won't feel as uptight and the conversation will flow more easily.
Sometimes I slip back into negative thinking and find it hard to talk to people and then I have to get the books out to do the therapy again - it always helps.
I think someone else mentioned that you should ask questions when you talk to people and I think that's a good idea. People love talking about themselves and having someone to listen -

PK72

I don't think this is a problem at all - you have friends and people seem to like you. This is the way you are - some people are chatty, some people are not. Personally, I prefer people who open up over time rather than instant familiarity. You sound like a decent, worthwhile guy - engage with others in a way and at a pace with which you're comfortable. It's not a competition and you have nothing to prove.

saa

I don't think who you are and what you look like is the root of the issue, sure confidence is a factor but I'm still not massively confident but I am more comfortable with myself and things being awkward or not as I intended them to be, there are plenty of very intelligent people, no financial issues and conventionally good looking who feel exactly like you do.

I used to use my weight as a reason for people not to like me because it was easier to think of that as the reason for not being social rather than who I was, it was me being so tough on myself and putting pressure on myself that made things bad for me.
I don't even try and think of what people think of me anymore, I will never know and it really doesn't matter.

I've lost 20 lbs since august which came about by realising I don't owe the world anything, I don't owe others a good body or good conversation, I'm not here to please others. So by focusing on what I needed to benefit myself as opposed to what I needed to do or be for others I became a lot healthier, happier and confident.

And it was when I stopped trying to make friends I made friends, I suppose there wasn't the pressure there so my mind didn't go blank, if you have social anxiety making friends is hard and I'm okay with that and sometimes I do say the wrong thing or I don't know what to say and that's grand, I kind of mimic those around me I try to be in a good mood or ask something relevant to the situation or any plans for the weekend, anything to give them a chance to talk and I'm OKAY WITH SILENCE. And I'm okay with saying alright I have to head I'll chat to you later.

When I moved up to college I was in bits, letting people walk all over me, be left out, be the but of jokes.. I don't try and impress anyone anymore, it took me until 3rd year to make friends I'm not graduating and around people I just try to smile and only say something if ive thought about it (I don't over think or rehearse mentally) and people always warm to a happy person even if they are quiet.

wylo

Its an ego and honesty issue, you're not being honest with yourself or others,
What I mean by that is you are acting, you are not being yourself, for no reason whatsoever, only to protect the ego.
You are invested in your own thoughts rather than what's actually going on.

You are caught up in a belief that someone else is actually more important than you.
No ones more important than you, and you are not more important than anyone else.

The reason I say ego is, you dont have to be the cocky loud one to have a huge ego, as a matter of fact , its quite the contrary.
The shy awkward people are far more invested in their made up egos than anyone else, and thats WHY they are shy.

Confident people quite simply don't care as much about how they are perceived, they don't care if they look like an idiot, they don't preview or review a situation in their head. If they say something silly they truly understand there is nothing they can do about it because whats done is done. This is turn feeds on itself as they begin to enjoy a better experience with people.

Being quiet is actually irrelevant , not being yourself is the important part you need to look at here.

I know people that dont say much, but truly dont care, which means , when they DO have something to say, they have no problem saying it.

This all boils down to one thing, the fact that you are investing too much into the content of your own thought.
If you want me to lay out suggestions let me know what you think of that first
(just lazy and sick of writing advice that people ignore /tantrum:D)

Also no offence meant here, but it seems you wrote your first post and pretty much didnt follow up until something happened again, more than 2 weeks later, and its a been a few days and no follow up again.
It seems to be a problem with PI, i.e. more of a place to vent not actually get help.
Ive done this myself in the past, thats why Im pointing it out, because if I was called out on it at the time I would have acted quicker.

PK72

wylo wrote: »

Its an ego and honesty issue, you're not being honest with yourself or others,
What I mean by that is you are acting, you are not being yourself, for no reason whatsoever, only to protect the ego.
You are invested in your own thoughts rather than what's actually going on.

You are caught up in a belief that someone else is actually more important than you.
No ones more important than you, and you are not more important than anyone else.

The reason I say ego is, you dont have to be the cocky loud one to have a huge ego, as a matter of fact , its quite the contrary.
The shy awkward people are far more invested in their made up egos than anyone else, and thats WHY they are shy.

Confident people quite simply don't care as much about how they are perceived, they don't care if they look like an idiot, they don't preview or review a situation in their head. If they say something silly they truly understand there is nothing they can do about it because whats done is done. This is turn feeds on itself as they begin to enjoy a better experience with people.

Being quiet is actually irrelevant , not being yourself is the important part you need to look at here.

I know people that dont say much, but truly dont care, which means , when they DO have something to say, they have no problem saying it.

This all boils down to one thing, the fact that you are investing too much into the content of your own thought.
If you want me to lay out suggestions let me know what you think of that first
(just lazy and sick of writing advice that people ignore /tantrum:D)

Also no offence meant here, but it seems you wrote your first post and pretty much didnt follow up until something happened again, more than 2 weeks later, and its a been a few days and no follow up again.
It seems to be a problem with PI, i.e. more of a place to vent not actually get help.
Ive done this myself in the past, thats why Im pointing it out, because if I was called out on it at the time I would have acted quicker.

No offence, but I think you need to re-read Eckhart Tolle.

This is a young fella trying to find his way in the world and asking for a bit of advice. Young people are always self-conscious because they haven't fully grown into themselves. This lad makes friends and seems to be well liked - he should feel no pressure to be anything other than he is - that's his nature. It's a pity many more people aren't as reserved instead of making an enormous effort to be heard and just making noise.

Of course confident people care - confidence is not about not caring - it's about self awareness and, as you've said, realising that there is nobody better or worse than yourself.

True freedom is being liberated from the opinions of others.

wylo

PK72 wrote: »

No offence, but I think you need to re-read Eckhart Tolle.

yea hes not bad, but I only came across his stuff after I sorted my own crap, sure though, he says kind of what Im saying here.
He wouldnt be my cup of tea overall.

This is a young fella trying to find his way in the world and asking for a bit of advice. Young people are always self-conscious because they haven't fully grown into themselves. This lad makes friends and seems to be well liked - he should feel no pressure to be anything other than he is - that's his nature.

Are you even reading his posts? I agree he should feel no pressure to be anything other than he is, thats the entire point of my post. That he is not being himself. Hes even planning on avoiding a house party, if you think that its just a young fella in college "trying to find his way in the world" then you've set your standards for how fun and fulfilling life can be very very low.

It's a pity many more people aren't as reserved instead of making an enormous effort to be heard and just making noise.

Reserved is fine , if you dont care, he isnt reserved, he is clearly unhappy in new social situations.

Of course confident people care - confidence is not about not caring - it's about self awareness and, as you've said, realising that there is nobody better or worse than yourself.

I dont agree, but I guess we'll agree to disagree.

True freedom is being liberated from the opinions of others.

exactly .... not caring. Thats the whole point of my post

I think we actually agree here tbh, just more of a difference in terminology thing going on.

PK72

Not caring implies, to me anyway, that you say and do what you wish without any regard to impact on others - clearly not a viable way to live.

Being self aware means knowing who you are and where you fit in. Fit in the world, your family, peer group and social situations. It also means that you do not modify your personality or character to meet the expectations of others.

I did read his posts - he's shy - that's his personality and nature - he should accept this rather than viewing it as a problem. If it was precluding him from friendships and a social life or impeding his progress, then perhaps it could be a problem. It doesn't seem to be and therefore the only problem is in his own mind based on what he perceives to be 'normal'.

wylo

Personally I dont agree, but no point arguing and taking the thread off topic either.
He can decide himself.:)

LegacyUser

Hi everybody, thank you for the answers, I really appreciate them!

I have been reading the thread in between updates I make. I am genuinely looking for advice, I'm not just having a rant!

Wylo, I can see what you mean - I do think I live inside my head a bit much. I overthink things a lot - if I spent less time thinking about what to say, and more time just talking and chatting, I'd probably get on a lot better (that sounds rather ridiculous written down!)

I'm feeling a lot better lately, I have been taking people's advice into account and getting on better chatting to new people.
A few of my friends have made comments recently that I'm "great craic", and nearly everyone that knows me well says I'm very funny and very witty, so it's nice to hear nice things! Apart from anything, it's a sign that I *do* have social skills, somewhere, although they may be a bit hidden!

In fairness, I probably have been using my weight as a bit of an excuse. It is something I'm unhappy about, but it isn't really fair to blame it for my social anxiety - if I was slim, in all likelihood, I'd be feeling the exact same!

Typing everything out on this thread, and reading the helpful posts from everybody is somewhat therapeutic - I do feel that people in general like me (once they get to know me), so I imagine just by practicing talking to people that are 'new', I'll become better at it! (Just like anything, practice makes perfect).

For the reference though, I don't feel like I'm putting on an 'act' or changing myself to get people to like me. In fact, when I get on with people, it's usually the 'real' me - I think around 'new' people, I'm shy and thus have a bit of a 'barrier' up against the real me, but as I get to know these people, this barrier comes down.

Thanks again for the answers, I really appreciate them, and they have been helping so far. It's nice to hear also that I'm not the only one with this problem, as especially in college, it can seem like everybody has mastered the 'social thing'.