Any advice?

BAM!!!

OK so I'm an 18 year old gay guy, in 6th year and sort of in the middle of coming out. I'm out to around a dozen or more people now and so far had no negative reaction (well one person said "well this is awkward" and another told me I wasn't gay, but both were actually fine with it). It's been a shock to some people because they don't see me as camp.

So far I seem to have it pretty easy. As in there were two guys in my school a few years ago who were gay and came out in junior cert (they've since left) and their lives were made hell, although one was camp in the extreme so I that didn't help - not that there's anything wrong with being camp, it just attracted a lot of attention. People have matured though in three years and a close friend of mine was one of the main bullies of the two lads three years ago. That same guy has been the best about me being gay of anyone I've told!!!

So anyway to get to my point, I'm just wondering as to whether anyone would have any advice as to how to continue this. Should i just keep telling people individually until eventually someone might let slip and it gets around? Should I tell someone I know who'll be a complete c*nt about it and let them tell the world for me? Should I just tell the people I'm closest to and leave it at that? Should I make it my facebook status?!

I really dunno what to do tbh. Nothing worse than that pang of nerves you get before you tell someone but it's like ripping off a band aid I guess. I've always been bad with decision making and I'd really love if there was someone to just order me to come out a certain way but obviously that's not how things work. All I can do is get the best advice possible, and that's where you guys come in! So any ideas..?

BattleCorp

Hi BAM!!!,

I think it would be better to tell people you know and trust one at a time.

Yes, word will get out but the more friends you tell, more people will know about you being gay and it won't be as big a deal when the general public finds out.

My two cents.

souleater3000

Hi, you could also maybe get a small group of people together, say 5 and one or two of the people who already know and tell the 3 people who dont know that way if someone did react in the wrong way your other 2 friends who are fine with it would be there for you Its just a suggestion, I havnt done this tho.

bikeman1

Hi BAM,

Firstly its great that you have had the confidence to come out while still at school, I would never have had the personal will to come out while in 6th year. I think that when you are in 6th year, most people are mature enough about peoples different sexualities, compared to third year as you say. They might as well get used to it, because when they get to college they will be meeting a hell of a lot more gay people and see active lgbt societies etc in college.

Anyway, to your question, what pace should you continue at? Well, I would say whatever you are comfortable with. I wouldn't feel the need to go out and tell the world, just people who you are close to you. Make it clear that you are totally happy and comfortable with who you are and do not care about people talking about you being gay. In my experience people talk and it will eventually become well known, without you having to tell every person individually.

I personally wouldn't go and put it up on Facebook. Maybe some day down the line, you will be happy in a relationship and want to show that on Facebook, but I wouldn't go changing it to "interested in men" for the sake of it.

There is no rush whatsoever in telling who you want, just keep it at your own pace and be yourself.

Aurongroove

you're well ahead of the curb. I came out mid twenties.

souleater3000

Aurongroove wrote: »

you're well ahead of the curb. I came out mid twenties.

Very true and it seems to be going pretty well for him too. Ill be 19 in 3 month and only 4 people know about me, only one is a close friend and none of them have a problem with it. Im so slow at it haha

Rick_

I told some friends in my late teens / early twenties, I was always shy and scared and socially awkward. To some extent, I still am but improving! My parents and most of my siblings didn't actually know until I brought around my (then) boyfriend about 3 months ago just after I turned 27! There was no formal 'coming out' to them as such but they always knew but we never talked about it before hand. Now I feel much more relaxed at home and I can talk openly to everyone about anything as I have nothing to hide any more, they know and accept me. Mum and I make little jokes and comments about the whole thing (that's our humour, we get along famously and always have thankfully).

I had the whole 'coming out' thing built up as some major event that was to be feared and was convinced it was going to be a horrible and painful experience. It totally wasn't, and yes, while a slight bit of fear may be the norm for what the reaction will be, you can probably tell with most people anyway so there's less to worry about and if you thought there was going to be a negative reaction, you wouldn't think about telling them anyway. In the end, do it when you want to and when you feel it is right. You don't want to spend your life unhappy and always 'in hiding' because you can't be yourself around your friends and especially your family, the people closest to you in the world and who love you the most. Good luck to you. Let us know how everything goes.

BAM!!!

Thanks everyone! Keep um comin'!!! I've noticed people giving thanks to posts on other threads, anyone know how to do that?

BAM!!!

Aurongroove wrote: »

you're well ahead of the curb. I came out mid twenties.

Well I sorta came out by accident originally, had planned not to come out til first year college at least. But it's all good now I think.

On a side note, anyone know where I could meet gay guys my age?

Dwn Wth Vwls

There's a little thumb in the bottom right corner of every post. That's the thanks button.

You seem to feel like you have to announce it to the world and come out to as many people as possible. Have you told all the people you care about? Family, close friends, etc? If you've done all that, then you can just consider yourself out.

If you feel like you have to tell everyone, you'll never be finished coming out. Everytime you meet someone knew you'll have that moment where you feel awkward, and you'll still be coming out for the rest of your life.

Just consider it common knowledge, talk about it like everybody knows already, and then forget about it. You're out and you no longer have to think about it. Set it on facebook if you want, it probably won't even get a reaction.

Rothmans

BAM!!! wrote: »

Well I sorta came out by accident originally, had planned not to come out til first year college at least. But it's all good now I think.

On a side note, anyone know where I could meet gay guys my age?

You have to wait until you get 25 posts.

BAM!!!

Rothmans wrote: »

You have to wait until you get 25 posts.

Ah thank you!

floggg

The old man in me says that if your in your Leaving Cert year best to avoid any bold statement or dramatics as its not the year where you need to be dealing with any turmoil.

Just keep doing what your doing - tell those that mean the most to you and don't worry about anybody else. You won't see many of them in a few months anyway, and it will become common knowledge soon enough as more people know.

Aurongroove

BAM!!! wrote: »

Well I sorta came out by accident originally, had planned not to come out til first year college at least. But it's all good now I think.

On a side note, anyone know where I could meet gay guys my age?

that question is sort of like the meaning of life. you'll probably spend more of your early "gayhood" just trying to meet people, both for making friends and for perusing a relationship. people sometimes give you general advice like "ara, go to a gay bar, or ask around town, you'll make friends like that <snap>"

but in reality unless you live in a big town in Ireland, and even then it can be difficult, it's mostly through online communities and travelling to meetings that you're gonna meet other gay people. Even asking people out one on one gives more misses then hits.

DubArk

Hi Bam I’m sorry, I haven't any advice that hasn’t been very well covered already.

I just want to say Congratulations on been such a positive role model to other young people who may find themselves in the same position as yourself. Good for you!!!!!

Davyhal

Personally, I was a bit behind you. I started telling friends individually when I was about to turn 21. I told all my best friends and was sure that they were OK with it. Then, just because the questions that coming out were becoming so repetative for me, I decided just to tell one of my oldest friends. He's a good guy, complete legend, and I knew that he would be cool with it, but I also know that he cannot keep a secret for love nor money, so one night I told him, and just as I predicted, he told everyone that I had missed up to that point. Which is what I kinda wanted at heart, but I didnt want to go through the whole Facebook Announcement thing.... There were a few other mates that didnt know, that werent friends with the aforementioned friend that cannot keep his month shut. With them, we were in the club one night, and we were all absolutely hammered. We were pretty much the only folks there, and one of my mates had one of his gay friends from his hometown out with him for the first time. I just ended up scoring him on the dancefloor in front of everyone... That pretty much confirmed it for them, cos I was well aware that they had heard rumours!

Coeurdepirate

Hello, I'm also in 6th year but completely out, also taken as a surprise by most but my dad as I'm not exactly 'camp' :rolleyes:
Anyway, it's nice to see that you're positive about this, most people on here are afraid of people finding out but you seem to realise that it's not a big deal.

I'd say to just keep telling people one by one or in small groups, posting it on facebook or something similar might not go as planned and a lot of people wouldn't take it seriously, also if you're a bit afraid of some people's reactions you'll want to break it gently to them, not have them hear "did you hear bam is a fággot" from whatever cúnt you're on about telling!

Of course it's all up to you though, good luck with it!

BAM!!!

Aurongroove wrote: »

that question is sort of like the meaning of life. you'll probably spend more of your early "gayhood" just trying to meet people, both for making friends and for perusing a relationship. people sometimes give you general advice like "ara, go to a gay bar, or ask around town, you'll make friends like that <snap>"

but in reality unless you live in a big town in Ireland, and even then it can be difficult, it's mostly through online communities and travelling to meetings that you're gonna meet other gay people. Even asking people out one on one gives more misses then hits.

Well as it happens I live in Cork city, but I've looked online and there seem to be no functioning gay youth groups that I can find. I do have a friend who has a friend who hangs around with a load of gays alright but that might be a little awkward if I were to just suddenly join their gang just cos I've come out. Guess I can just join the LGBT society in college next year!

Annasopra

BAM!!! wrote: »

Well as it happens I live in Cork city, but I've looked online and there seem to be no functioning gay youth groups that I can find. I do have a friend who has a friend who hangs around with a load of gays alright but that might be a little awkward if I were to just suddenly join their gang just cos I've come out. Guess I can just join the LGBT society in college next year!

what about unite?

www.gayprojectcork.com/youth/

BAM!!!

mango salsa wrote: »

what about unite?

www.gayprojectcork.com/youth/

I've come across them in the google machine but unfortunately that site doesn't work for me for some reason.

Annasopra

BAM!!! wrote: »

I've come across them in the google machine but unfortunately that site doesn't work for me for some reason.

very strange

try this

www.belongto.org/group.aspx?maincontentid=86

DazMarz

Hi, BAM!!!

Firstly, well done for being so brave and for being so in touch with yourself. I was something of a coward about the whole thing and I was in denial for years and thusly put myself through years of mental torture over it, when I could have been so much happier if I'd just been braver and more honest with myself.

Secondly, I've found it a lot easier to tell people one at a time, one-on-one and trying to be relaxed about the whole thing. I've told about a dozen people so far (all very close friends), and I've not had a single negative reaction. They've all been so supporting, accepting, proud and happy for me. Your true, close friends will love you for who you are. Being gay is WHAT you are, not WHO you are. I had some stunned reactions (cos like you I'm very straight acting), but none were negative. Some of my friends cried because they were so happy for me!!!

The relief and the happiness I'm now experiencing are unbelievable, and you will find that too. I have had moments of doubt and fear, when I regret telling anyone and wishing I could be ''normal'', but these are just stupid and irrational anxieties, that are sent away once I talk to some of my friends (who have been so great...)

Nothing will change about you, that's what people need to understand... Nothing has changed about me: I still scream my lungs up at football matches, I still swear at least twice per sentence, I still do all the things I did before I came out... I'm still DazMarz and I'll always be that person. It's just that I watch a different kind of porno!!! :P:o. I'm also just a lot happier and a lot more relaxed now than I was a couple of months ago (I'm 23 and I only came out in December!)

Congrats, to the OP, and keep going the way you're going. It will all be good!

BAM!!!

mango salsa wrote: »

what about unite?

www.gayprojectcork.com/youth/

Well, my computer deigned to let me into that site recently. Looks interesting, I might pop in over my Easter Holidays and see what it's all about.